From the Ashes

[Thanks for reading]

Wow.. I loved this. -Really loved this. It was so cleanly written, and your characters -so realistic. It was like reading something right off the shelf at a bookstore. There were so many things I found I enjoyed about this story, and the way you constructed it all, but now that I'm at the tail end where I can finally review, I feel so speechless!

The inner conflict and turmoil your character Eli found himself facing, was so dead on it could have seemed real to me. And I like stories that have that realistic quality. Nothing about this piece was overdone or cliche or anything bad like that. You should be very proud of this. The dialogue was unique, and the overall storyline was just sublime. I give it two thumbs up, and 11 stars out of ten.

One of my favorite parts to read was this:

He didn’t know about it because he didn’t know anything about her. The only things Eli knew about her life were the physical changes that he could observe at three in the morning. He had watched and examined and remembered. But he knew absolutely nothing about her life. About Melanie. And she knew nothing about him. Her dad--Melanie’s dad--was now this man standing between the two of them--protecting her with his life from an intruder. Eli was an intruder. A ghost that didn’t belong in this world.

It's so compelling! So emotional, but not at all in that sappy, cheesy kind of way. The fact that what should be his family, was no longer, was the sad part to read. Although he hadn't really fully moved on from them, they had. He wasn't a part of that home. Like a slap in the face. Loved it. It was one of the coolest things I've read posted on YWS thus far. I hope you post more short stories in this style of yours. I'd be stoked to read more. Wonderful job, and keep it up. It's all I can really say here.

I really loved this too. And seriously - I don't like very many short stories on here. (I once read one about a fourth of the length yours is, in which a quiet girl got the lead role of a play with her crush, performed fantasically, was seen by a professional who took her to Hollywood, and she got really popular and met Justin Bieber. I'm normally a fan of horror, but that scared me half to death.)

In all seriousness, when I'm captivated by a book, I'm no longer here. I'm in the pages, living through the story as I turn them, not even slightly aware of what's going on around me. Slightly confused when I'm finished, like when you're waking up from a weird dream. Here, I had the same sorta deal, 'cept I read into SmylinG's review, at which point I was severly confused for a moment. xD I would go on but I get the feeling I'm ranting.

Keep writing!

>>Annie<<

Woah. That's really all I could say in response to this. I would copy and paste all the compelling or heart-wrenching paragraphs or images but I'd be retelling your entire story. I loved this so much. The twist at the end in which we figure out that Eli only had one lap dance and oh my god I just love this story so much. It's fantastic. It made my day to read this, and I felt like I was emotionally tied to the whole thing, to Eli's well-being. I don't think you could make this any better if you tried, and I'd usually recommend to people to make their short stories longer but this is just too perfect the length it already is.


Thanks for writing this! Seriously, thanks.

...Did anyone else read into SmylinG's review? Seriously, am I alone here?! xD

This is fantastic! There are so many things I love about this I'm just going to have to make a list.

1. Your dialogue is great. Many writers have difficulty making dialogue that is both realistic and well written. Yours however is perfect.
2. Your opening is captivating and engorging
3. Your use of references from the period is just enough so we can identify it, but not so much that it feels contrived.
4. I love how the drama and tension just grows and grows
5. The premise itself is great.

So I don't really have any criticism. Please keep writing more.

Oh crap,
You are so good. Your writing style sort of reminded me of Stephen King. The characters felt real and alive. The dialogue was great! Can you teach me to write dialogues like that?

I have a tendency to write 'perfect diagolues'

Looking forward to your next work

I have nothing to say, for it has already been said before. O.O...Keep writing, I beg of you! Whatever you've done here, keep it in mind, and definitely use this on whatever you write next!!