The Prince

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Just to set the scene - There are 3 girls on holiday together and they get bored in the huge hotel one night and decide to go exploring. I haven't written the first part of it so the story starts from there im afraid...


After what seemed like years the spiralling stairs eventually ended and at the top stood a large black door.
A small but magnificently crafted plaque shone against the dark wood and leaning closer I could see faint writing. Inscribed in beautiful, but shallow font, was the word ‘Ballroom’.
We each halted with military like precision as we considered this unusual room.
‘A ballroom? All the way up here?’ It took me a moment to realise it was my mouth that had uttered those words.
‘The stairs are so narrow, you wouldn’t think the room would be big enough to dance in.’ piped up a voice from the back, at a guess it was Claire but with the darkness so dense up here it was impossible to know for sure.
“Well?” The voice was annoyed and without doubt this time I knew it was Mary. “What are you waiting for? I didn’t walk all the way up here to go back down. Open the stupid door already.”
And with that the decision was unanimous and the heavy door began to creek open slowly.
We entered into a vast, dimly lit room and what met our eyes was beyond even the wildest imagination amongst us. A huge carousel, the size of the entire room, stood sombrely still among the glum light. Its spiral pillars, which I believe at one point would have been beautifully coloured and polished, now stood with a thick layer of dust clinging to every inch of its surface with spider webs sprawling the entire length of the room, and dangling from the ceiling like some freakish gossamer ghost.
At the opposite side of the room the wall only came to waist height and the rest was open to the world. The stars were clearly visible and the moon was full in its pale and lonesome glory. It was this light, and this light only, that allowed us to see the carousels outline and shapes, and that illuminated the difference between this carousel in front of ours eyes, and any other we had ever seen before.
Where the horses ought to have proudly stood at the end of the dusty, forgotten pillars, plastic mannequins had taken their place. The mannequin closest to us was that of a small girl, just recognisable by her size and innocent, plump cheeks. The sickly light ebbing from the night sky cast a faint blush on those cheeks and gave her matt, soulless eyes an almost human glimmer. It was eerie to see life flash on and off of her eyes from the twinkling of the distant stars.
“Woow.”
“Yeah.”
“What…..” Not one amongst us could think of where to start with that question.
My first step forward echoed round the mannequin dancers and rumbled gently amongst the filthy cobwebs.
There was a silent stir.
More echoes followed as the girls crept in behind me and we fanned out, slightly, to investigate. The floor bulged slightly as you walked closer to the centre where the large thick tree-like trunk of the carousel had dug its roots.
Peering closer I could see faint carvings in the trunk, however the dust was so thick that unless I wanted to get my hands filthy there was no way of knowing exactly what they depicted.
It was at this point that the silence ended and my heart stopped dead in my chest.
The noise was unexpected and deafening. A blaring clash of the cymbals and rhythmic bouncing of pipe organs struck out from every direction and deafened me to such an extent that I didn’t even realise I was screaming.
Bright, multicoloured lights exploded and swept around the floor and the mannequins slowly, stiffly began to move up and down, round and round, getting faster and faster as the music continued.
My heart felt like it was beating a hole in my chest and I swung round just in time to dodge out of the way of a rather large, fat mannequin. I searched for my friends and found them with much the same looks on their faces.
“What the hell’s going on?” I shouted over the fun-fair music.
As Mary and Claire made their way over I was only able to catch the end of their answer.
“…..on the floor.” Mary turned and held her hand outstretched. My eyes followed and landed on the object of her attention; a small circular bump on the floor, lit up and glowing red. I turned back to Mary.
“What’s that?”
“I have no idea. I was just walking and I felt this thing under foot and next thing I know all this started.”
“You and your stupid, fat feet Mary. How bout you actually look where your going? It’s not hard to see a lump that size on the ground you know.” Claire’s usually harsh attitude towards Mary was not lost over the loud music.
“Well if I could see past your fat head then maybe we…….”
As I stood watching the twins bicker – which looked like a madman arguing with himself in the mirror - I began to feel the music spiralling round me and vibrating through my very bones. Happy flashes of a childhood spent in fairgrounds bombarded my mind until I could no longer control my feet and I began to sway, gently at first. The music was so rhythmic and mesmerizing that I began to feel myself being pulled, the urge was of such greatness that I began to laugh uncontrollably.
I could no longer hear them arguing and as far as I was aware I was the only person in this room. As I looked around and watched the mannequins dance fast and gracefully for us, my feet took me and I began to dance and swirl.
As I twirled around a rather handsome mannequin came into sight. With the room now well-lit, I could clearly see each mannequins features. This one was of a man, young in age and large in stature. He held a hand somewhat up right, as though in a waltz position and wore formal black tie attire. His features were so clear and well made that he was not at all unattractive to watch.
I crossed the room and made my way, still dancing, to my new friend. Taking hold of his outreached hand, I too adopted the waltz position and together we glided across the room. As I twisted round and round Mary and Claire came in and out of sight, a confused, but rather amused look stuck to their faces, with Mary bent over in laughter.
My dance partner pulled me around the room and as I turned past the girls I shouted and beckoned for them to join me. By the time I had made it round the room again I saw both the girls had picked partners of their own and we all let ourselves drift along with the merriment of the night.
Some time passed, I have no idea how much, when a flash of shadow crossed my face and jerked me from this dream-like state. I turned quickly to see who the owner of this shadow was but the mannequins faces, flashing in and out of view, obscured my vision. The next thing I knew I could see a bright light coming from the corner, as though someone was shinning a flash light around the room.
Last edited by areid46 on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I like this. I like how this is set. Your title refers to a prince, is he bored? Tired? ignorant of the evil? If he is any of these things i sugest writing with the different chapters viewing from the prince to the girls.
The prince be first person, aand the girls be eaither omnicient or from third or first person. To gather their actions. With the prince you should be a little less expessive, and give the reader litttle to work with on what he's really doing and where he is so that the reader reads more to find out. hope i helped-emi
to be continued.....




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Thanks for the feedback and your suggestions. I hadn't thought about doing it that way but i quite like your idea of doing it from both perspectives and shifting between the characters. I'm planning on writing a bit more today and adding to the story so i'll post that later. Thanks a lot for your feedback, its much appreciated!




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Great feedback thanks guys, keep it coming!
Last edited by areid46 on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Well this is certainly interesting! It grabbed my attention immediately, and I am quite intrigued...There isn't a whole lot to base a full opinion on, however, I would happily read whatever more you post. Your wording is excellent, and the setting wonderful. Keep it up! :)
Psalm 73: 23-26




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changed this post so my 1st post had the extra story that was on this...

Sincerity thanks for all your help. i never check over my work for errors like that, im just so lazy, so thanks for the help with that! the pickyness is much appreciated :D
Last edited by areid46 on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Very nice! As the pieces are coming together, it's becoming more clear and grabbing. One bit of advice though: It would probably be easier to read if you simply added to your original post. If I'm trying to read it all together, it's a little difficult as is because of how broken up the posts are.
As for the editing type of stuff:

"Bright, multicoloured lights exploded and swept around the floor and the mannequins slowly, stiffly began to move up and down, round and round, getting fast and fast as the music continued." - It would be *faster and faster*.

"What the hells going on?” I shouted over the fun-fair music. As Mary and Claire made their way over I was only able to catch the end of their answer." - It would be *hell's* and there would be a comma in the second sentence after the word *over*.

" "I have no idea. I was just walking and I felt this thing under foot and next thing I know all this started." " - Make sure to add the period and end quotation at the sentence's end. (Sorry for the confusion with the quotation marks!)

"“You and your stupid fat feet Mary. Don’t you ever look where your going? It’s not hard to see a lump that size on the ground you know.” Claire’s usual harsh attitude to Mary was not lost over the loud music." - There needs to be a comma between *stupid* and *fat* and it would flow better if you used the words *usually* and *toward* in the second part (that wasn't a part of the dialogue).


"As I stood watching the twins bicker, like a madman arguing with himself in the mirror, I began to feel the music spiralling round me and vibrating through my very bones." - I think that there needs to be hyphens instead of commas around *like a madman arguing with himself in the mirror* and that you might want to add *which looked like...* to the beginning.

"Happy flashes of a childhood spent in fairgrounds bombarded my mind until I could no longer control my feet and I began to gently, at first, sway. The music was so rhythmic and mesmerizing I began to feel myself being pulled and the urge was of such greatness that I began to laugh uncontrollably." - The first sentence would flow better if you reordered the words at the end of the sentence. *...and I began to sway, gently at first.* That type of thing...Also there needs to be something like *that* between *mesmerizing* and *I* in the second sentence. You might also want to add a comma instead of the word *and* between *pulled* and *the* in the second sentence as well, and also take out the word *was*.

"Taking hold of his outreached hand, I too adopted the waltz position and together we glided across the room, Mary and Claire coming into sight as I twisted round and round, a confused, but rather amused look stuck to their faces and I could see Mary bent over in laughter." - This is a run-on sentence, and you can basically fix it however you like.

Sorry to be so picky, but I hope that was in some way helpful. Excellent writing - I can't wait for more! :)
Psalm 73: 23-26




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This is so short, but good. When I entered your novel, it had no plot written down, even no sypnosis, so nobody can know what it's about. I know, the title gives it away, but some people want to know more, like me. Anyway, aside from that, it's a good start. Maybe you should add more on, to make it a little longer, but other than that it was good and I liked it. so I hope to read more of you soon! :wink:
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Hey, thanks bugbug for the suggestions. I've tried adding more onto the plot and synopsis so hopefully that will make it easier for people to gather what's going on. I have also added more of the story onto my original post. Hope you enjoy it!




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Wow this is so creepy :D
I freaking love it!
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