Morgan's Lullaby

Your angelic, soft hair,
and your shimmering brown eyes.
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air,
was what made me realize;

There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.

Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from these arms, as gentle as a dove.
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams flow at their best.

Hey Matt, welcome to YWS. I'm Esther; it's a pleasure. I'm not quite experienced in poetry, but I'll give it my best!

I really liked this. Short and sweet and innocent. It was relaxing to read, so it really is a lullaby!Let's see if we can make it better...

Your glowing brown hair,
and your ageless brown eyes. <- "Ageless" doesn't feel like the right word here. Is she really ageless or just young?
Your sweet voice flowing in air,
that made me realize; <-Change "that" to "was what" and the rhythm will flow better.
There's more to tears than sadness, <- Lovely!
and there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest. <- Aww....
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from outstretched arms as gentle as a dove. <- Word this differently so the rhythm flows more. "Dove" is a wonderful word though.
Now lay your head upon my chest
as engulfing thoughts become dreams that are the best. (This ending totally breaks off the rest of the rhythm of the poem. It has more syllables than any other line. It also feels rushed, like you were trying to find something to rhyme with chest, and then a line accordingly. Edit this.

OVERALL: This was really sweet and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Your rhythm is off in some places. I pointed out the most glaring things. It's always a good idea to read a poem out loud to catch stuff like that, and change wording accordingly. Other than that, this was sweet and simple, and it was really good. You didn't try to be too complex or wordy and I appreciate that. Good job, and Welcome to YWS!

Esther

Overall, I think this was really sweet. But there are flaws with the set up in punctuation.

Your glowing brown hair,
And your ageless brown eyes. (I think you should replace ageless with something different. Something that describes the eyes a lot better.)
Your sweet voice(,) flowing in (Maybe insert "the" right here?) air,
That made me realize;
There's more to tears than sadness,
And there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
From outstretched arms as gentle as a dove.
Now lay your head upon my chest
As engulfing thoughts become dreams that are the best.

All words beginning at the left of each line should remain capitalized, for consistency. This way reading doesn't seem so distracting next time. Also, something with your rhyming pattern seemed slightly off to me toward the end. Maybe there's still some room for improvement. But I think that's pretty much the end of my critiqueing The meaning behind the poem was fantastic. I wouldn't alter its substance any if you plan to edit. Keep up the good work.

Your glowing brown hair,
and your ageless brown eyes. You're using "brown" too much.
Your sweet voice flowing in air, Too long. Flows badly.
that made me realize, Sounds odd. I'd rework this.
there's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness. "Madness" ruins the feeling.
Just let me hold you while you rest. "Just let me hold you" is so cliched that all I can think of as I read this are cheesy 60s songs. And that definitely doesn't do the poem any justice.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from outstretched arms as gentle as a dove. This line sounds so forced and superficial. It's long, too. And what ever happened to the rhyme scheme? Did you just suddenly decide to change it?
Now lay your head upon my chest
as engulfing thoughts become dreams that are the best. Exact same thing as last comment. Plus, "the best" is dumb for so many reasons I won't even list them all.

'Kay. Keep writing.

-Kafka

This is really good(:
Whoever you wrote this for is one special girl. <3

Thanks guys! ^^

I don't believe that Kafka was trying to offend you, Matt, so if you don't mind, I would ask you not to be so quick to anger ;P.

And I agree with his statements. He was correct in what he pointed out, though a little harsh if anything. Criticism comes in all shapes and sizes so you have to take the best with the worst.

Other that that, I thought the poem was cute. Very hallmark card-like. I could see it being a valentines poem or some sort cause of the simplicity in the language. Through sections of it, it has a good flow and rythmn. What I would have to say is try reading it out loud. Really get the flow of it. If there are lines that appear wonky, which there are a few, take out the handy-dandy thesauraus and pick a better word. Its all anyone can ask .

Other than that, sorry if I came across as harsh!

~The.Dreamwalker

Hi MattLang.

This is a very sweet and somewhat simple love poem. I noticed that it becomes more detailed and complex as the poem continues. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it really works in this.

I really like your use of talking directly to the love interest; it really adds to it and gives it some more emotion. For example the line

"So don't cry, darling, that's madness."

Is really brilliant.

I would however change the first few lines. I think the two lines

"Your glowing brown hair,
and your ageless brown eyes. "

Can feel a bit repetitive and corny.

Besides that, very good.

P.S In regards to your comment to Kafka calling him a asshole is very disrespectful. He has taken his time to write you a very detailed and constructive review. However I may have misread it and if so sorry.

+ hello! welcome to YWS too! :] haha!

+ Hey, you've got a good poem/lullaby there, although what I want right now is to hear the tune :]

+ I wasn't a pro with poetry but I love reading poems and all I can say, overall, is that I really really like this one. So sweet. (I wonder who's Morgan )

+ Sorry if I didn't give you any help, I think the other YWSers have provided that for you. :]

love,
CS

Your angelic, soft hair,
and your shimmering brown eyes.
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air,
was what made me realize;
There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death. These last two lines were brilliantly stated.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from these arms, as gentle as a dove.
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams, flow at their best. These last five lines kind of break the flow of the poem, because as you can see, rest, chest, and best all rhyme, and it loses some of it's beauty here. And I think the last lines are kind of unneeded, because you're somewhat repeating what you stated in the two lines before that.

Overall, great, simple love poem.

Your angelic, soft hair, and your shimmering brown eyes.
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air, was what made me realize;
There's more to tears than sadness, thats really visual
and there's more to life than death.the realization
So don't cry, darling, that's madness. good rythme so far
Just let me hold you while you rest.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love from these arms, as gentle as a dove.its good but I feel theres too much or too little...just go with your instinct
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams, flow at their best.this is a truly beautiful line

Overall...I would say the poem had great imagery but tempo uneven.Some stanzas held together but with others...not so much.Work on the rythme,thats all really.That was a beautiful peice.Fantastic writing!
~spartacus~

the love I had is the loss you have ~dreamer~

This is incredibly sweet with much wisdom subtly woven into its lines. I would like, however, to draw attention to the fact that despite any errors pointed out by the others...it was effective in evoking a certain message. The only critique I have is just a word of advice that was given to myself: Rhyming is beautiful in itself, but not necessary at times! Don't be afraid to deviate from the rhyme scheme...irregular patterns have been used by the most appreciated poets!

Thank you for posting this!

Rita.

This was really sweet, and I loved the title. The title, knowing it, made the poem even better. The changes you made to it (as far as I can tell from the other posts) improved it. This is really good. And yes, the girl whom this is written for (Morgan I presume) is one very lucky girl.

I loved this. It was simple sweet and it really made me smile. Whoever it's written for (I guess Morgan) is very, very lucky. My favorite part:

There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.

Thanks for posting this.

This is the sweetest thing ever. I'm not going to nitpick this, because (A) I don't see much that needs to be changed, and (B) it's just wonderful the way it is. This doesn't really count as a review but I just wanted to let you know that I loved this. With all the dark and angry poems one sees on here, it's such a relief to read one as simple and beautiful as this. Great job, and I look forward to reading more of your work!