Adoption [Edited]

Adoption

It doesn't matter that I don't know you,
the child hasn’t spoken to me since June.

I told her that the world is shifting
regardless of anything we say.

Our double-jointed fingers clinging
to her scarf, twisting her neck in two.

She left her hand on my shoulder too long,
saying she knew silence too.


Original poem in the spoiler.

Spoiler

Does it matter

that I don’t know you,
your double-jointed fingers
clinging to the scarf I left
my sister last June?

This is alright because –
It’s okay because –

My sister hasn’t spoken to me
since July, when I told her
how I was, how the world is
shifting regardless of anything
we say. And she left her hand
on my shoulder a moment
too long, pressing her want in.

-when she wakes, I won’t be there,
and the light will hit space between
our shoulders in a photograph.
-when we last spoke, I told her the truth.

As I was reading this, I had a feeling of dread, or longing for something I can't obtain. Those themes led to a very appropriate ending, making the poem piece together very well. I love this. I also like your use of hyphens to pause the poem in various places, adding to the dramatic effect.
The title is great,the colors seem to prove a point you are trying to make in this poem. This will definitely go down as one of my favorites.

Hello, my love! I really like this. Your language is powerful, your persona is well conceived and it's all put together so beautifully. I have only a few comments to offer:

Does it matter that I don’t know you,
your double-jointed fingers
clinging to the scarf I left my sister last June? [Lovely first stanza, nothing I'd change here!]

This is alright because –
It’s okay because – [Not as sure about these two lines. I like the repetition of because and the emotion here but I think I'd have liked to see a few more lines; an extension. Maybe something quite abstract that describes in more detail this emotion the persona is feeling. Like (and this is a bad example mind), 'My grasp as brief and loose/ as if I were clinging to the sea.' But hopefully you understand what I mean?]

My sister hasn’t spoken to me
Since July,/ when I told her
how I was,[color=red/[/color] how the world is /
shifting regardless of anything [I find your line breaks in the last two stanzas strange. Was you aiming for an even shape on the page? Only it seems like you start a new line just every time the current one gets to a similar length. I'm going to put in red markers where I think it would be more dramatic to start a new line.]
we say./ And she left her hand
on my shoulder/ a moment
too long,/ pressing her want in.

-when she wakes, I won’t be there,
and the light will hit space/ between
our shoulders in a photograph. [I love this image, my favourite of the poem!]
-when we last spoke, I told her the truth.

The ending's really good and intriguing, though I can't work out at all what the truth might have been or whether the you in the first line is the sister or not. I don't think that matters though? You've portrayed the persona and the emotion so well that I'm left at the end feeling satisfied, even if I don't know the whole story. Your use of langaueg is great, though perhaps a few more dashes than you need. At first it was really effective but the more you use them, the more used to them I became.

To be honest, my only criticism is that the line breaks seem to be in odd places. But in general, you're a master of your craft,

Heather xxx

Hey PenguinAttack, i really liked your poem. There are lots of pieces that are left without being resolved, but that's one of my favorite parts. You did such a good job portraying the feeling of want for something you can't have, that even though what you actually want is left unstated - the poem still comes together really nicely!
I do agree with Kitty15 though, i think it'd be a little more powerful if you broke the lines up as she showed.
It makes the reading a little easier and the pauses it creates draw great effect into the writing.
Overall though - i loved this piece!!

-PurpleHeart

Don't change a thing i absolutely love this poem! it is fantastic. The emotions and theme resonate with so many people and suck them in to the poem and give them a shocking surprise of how emotional it will be for such a short piece. I love it though. Keep writing!

This is just an amazing poem.
To start with , I have to say that you have really succeded to bring out a really powerfull set of emotions.
I really like how you sustain the drama, and make the persona look like he/she is confused , here:

This is alright because –
It’s okay because –

I think that you've done well by putting those lines there. It kind of gives the reader free hand in chosing what comes next.
Nit-picks? Didn't find any.
All in all , an amazing poem, again.
Good job.

Hey Tangent! Did I mention that you were awesome? Because you are!

Now, for your poem, I kind of adored the "My sister hasn’t spoken to me" stanza because it was so beautiful and it rang of truth and it didn't stall in mid-thought or try to censure itself. It was just there, and I loved it for that. I think the rest of your poem starts and stops really abruptly until it feels like it's not going anywhere. So I would probably nix all the commas and come up with something that was more hard-hitting and less confused. Not that confusion is a bad thing... my main problem with it is because it's keeping the poem from saying what it needs to say!

Tons of love! <3

Okay. I'm going to give a really brief review, because I should be doing homework and I'm just lazy.
Mostly because I'm lazy. Anyways.
I like this-- it's short, but it's nice and I don't think it needs to be expanded on. Packs quite a punch (dunno how you're this concise, cause I always run on and on, but it's awesome).

Does it matter

that I don’t know you,
your double-jointed fingers
clinging to the scarf I left
my sister last June?

First off, I love the structure. It really adds to the flow, and creates a nice tone for your piece. The problem with this stanza is, though, that I don't really understand how it relates to the rest of the piece. We don't know who you're addressing in this, and you don't bring them up again, and so it almost feels like you started writing a poem about one thing, and then got hooked on the idea of a sister and so switched the subject, but forgot to come back and change this part. I love the description and the feel of this, but I really just don't get how it connects with the rest of it. Sorry. >.<
The next two-lined stanza thing I felt was a bit awkward, and like a last minute attempt to connect the first stanza with the rest of the piece. Honestly, I would remove it.

My sister hasn’t spoken to me
Since July, when I told her
how I was, how the world is
shifting regardless of anything
we say. And she left her hand
on my shoulder a moment
too long, pressing her want in.

Gorgeous stanza, right here. You might consider not capitalizing "Since", and maybe making the last bit a little bit stronger. I feel like if the sister is trying to be pushy, or rather IS being pushy while also trying to be a bit manipulative, then we should feel that as we read it.
Other than that though-- I love this. Perfect.

-when she wakes, I won’t be there,
and the light will hit space between
our shoulders in a photograph.
-when we last spoke, I told her the truth.

Hohmygosh. That's all I have to say.
Wait, no. That's not okay. I need to make at least ONE comment.
I think that maybe you could reword this: "and the light will hit space between/our shoulders in a photograph." to make it a bit more figurative. Add a feeling of age or something, a feeling where it feels like it'll be that way forever, or at least a long time. Maybe throw in the word "dust" or something to make us feel that sense of loss or something. I dunno how to explain it.

Anyways. Your overall: great piece. You might play with the first bit again, either by incorporating the "you" you mentioned or by removing it altogether. This piece is very subtle and very strong, incorporating a really nice amount of emotion through barebones (but effective) imagery, which is always really nice to see. So. Not much to say. Great job.

Wow. That is nice! ^_^ My problem is: I didn't really get it...like completely get it. There were confusing parts. Maybe, you could make it clearer? But I love the emotion that you put in it. It's really strong and I can't feel it.

Keep writing!

I really loved this poem, I clicked on it because the title drew me in immediatley. I was left with a sense of longing at the end of this poem, like the narrator has just lost the most important person in their lives. I felt I could relate to this poem very well because I felt the same emotions reading this as I could have felt for someone else. This was a very simple but beautiful poem, it ticked all the right boxes for me, well done
xxMatt

Jazzeh,

I won't look at the #1 draft, just #2.

this is nice. A little boring, but nice. I like the simplicity in your poetry, it suits your tone well but in short poetry you need all these lines to be packed with emotion and strength which I can't find here. They need that emotion packed in so the reader can absorb it in the much shorter about of time that there is to read this. Short poems don't have the advantage of winding the reader everywhere and getting to to see a 360 degree view before being guided along to the final point, rather they have the advantage of being sharp, biased and contained within one powerful little piece or line. No matter, that emotion has to be present.

The only hint of that feeling I'm looking for is found in these lines:

Our double-jointed fingers clinging
to her scarf, twisting her neck in two.

Because it's a strong violent image all of a sudden that creates a sense of feeling towards the subject and the narrating persona. The rest acts like fluff to these lines for me, giving it length rather then it being these two lines.
You don't need packing nuggets for a tiny box yes? Give it to me straight, raw and full of emotion. The context comes later when the ultimate goal here is to communicate a feeling and experience with words. Context is something you can give us without any issue, and you do it well. But that's not what's lacking.

Kamas