As if I Never Existed

Beautiful, Matt. That's all I'll say.

i love the emoness of this, its a beautiful poem, full of thought and putts in alott of pain, showing feeling and i love it id love to know the story behind this <3

Dude...
That was seriously haunting. It made me shiver. Seriously. It was crazy good. (This is quite an I'm-in-awe review. XP)

Wow. As I read this the emotions just jumped out at me. This poems seems to be my life story, about cutting and all. My favorite line is this:

My deepest and darkest sin

Because that is so like me, just not letting anybody know. It was very powerful.

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen. This was confusing to me.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow, This doesn't sound right either
as it creeps up my throat again.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling What thought?
as I cut at my own heart.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves Love this line
revealing my deepest and darkest sin. I think you should take out either "deepest" or "darkest" use only one

These actions aren't glorified,
they're inside of me, so deep,
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep.

Did a pretty good job at this. Some parts didn't quite make sense, though.

I love it. I feel the emotion in it. What is it about? Suicide?

well well.... Your poems are just brilliant!!!:) I literally love reading them...!! And now I see that short poems are your kind..Nice kinds. This was also a good piece. And again I liked the rhyme scheme a lot. You have developed a kind of aura of tragedy around the whole thing which gives it the brilliance.... LOVE IT!!!
Keep writing more brilliant stuff:)
Harshita...

Hi Matt,

I'm pretty surprised you have three featured pieces. But a review for you:

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again.

The third line, I'm pretty sure I've heard this in an Eminem song... or something like that.

Anyways, delving into this:
It's oozing angst. Oozing out of the mouth, eyes and skin. It's like black gunk you find on an overused object and you're not really sure if you want to touch it.

You attempt to portray feeling in this subject but this has been done and overdone and you've done nothing new to it. You're displaying generic descriptions of this and trying to portray the typical teenage interpretation of desperation and a search of release through masochism.

Break away from the generic "Oh woe is me, I'm emoh. Let me cut myself because these emotional wounds are sew deep and it'll be all be okay." so you can start to write something raw and a little more real then what you've presented here.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart.

Here, for example, the rhythm is rather juvenile. ABAB? Let's be a little more creative yes?
Consider something like a simile rather then adjectives like sharp. Sharp like what?
Sharp like words, paper, rocks, fruit? Doesn't matter what you relate it too as long as you can give it meaning. Think: What makes the knife so sharp? Why is it so lustrous? Because of the words someone said to you? Because it reminds you of paper? Doesn't matter.

Once you begin to use poetic devices your poetry can start to grow past the use of adjectives as the powerful descriptive words and the reader can actually start to feel something for the narrator of the poem.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin.

What is your darkest deepest etc sin? WHY and HOW is it? What does it look like, feel like, taste like, smell like, remind you off? Is it bittersweet, is it just plain bad?
You're stating things, making this two dimensional, and the poem can't even lift itself off the page. They're just words I'm reading without any power or particular sensation associated to it.

Think about it carefully,

Kamas

Matthew(:
I know you wanted more a response, but when i posted that i was quickly running out of time... so i'll respond again.

This is so incredible!
i think you did such a great job of portaying your feelings and mixing them in with your actions.
The revisions you made changed it, but it didn't really alter it - the emotion you wanted is still there, which is good.
Some of the rhyming could maybe be a little better - maybe - but overall i like the way the words flow when you read it out loud.
This is one of my favorites of yours(:

-PurpleHeart <3

Personally, I don't write poetry but I enjoy reading it. This poem was absolutely superb! I feel that you captured the emotion perfectly and really went into detail of the seduction of a blade to certain people. I really enjoyed reading this and hope that you post more soon! :)

*stares down at my cuts* *raises my tear-stained face* not enough words to describe how i feel right now. *lays on ground and stares at the sky with my scarred arms at my side*

The sin. Blood reveals the sin. Does blood not symbolize life? Maybe the sin IS life.

But it's bloodshed - the taking away of life. The taking away of life is a sin. But it's worth it if it's my own life.

Hey,

I think what you've done here is grab a bunch of nice flowery sounding words and putting them together. You're telling me that 'the edges are inviting, so lustrous, and so sharp.' but how are they sharp? How are they lustrous? How do they invite you? It's a pretty good poem even though it's a rather cliche topic. I'm guilty of doing teen emo suicide all the time too, but I'm trying to branch out. It's been done and redone and redone again. Not all teens want to kill themselves or cut or do drugs or smoke or anything. Some teens are normal. You have great vocabulary but I think the mechanics need a bit work.

My Favorite Line: 'Surfaces to the tarnished sleeves'

Grade: B+

~Jas

Hi. I just wanted to say this is really amazing. The message was powerful, and the emotions grabbed me. I almost started crying when I read this, I can really relate to it.

As for corrections, I saw nothing really wrong with it. : ) Really nice job.

~Teardrop