As if I Never Existed

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin.

These actions aren't glorified,
they're inside of me, so deep,
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep.

I love your poem! I really felt the emotion. I like rhyme but there are two words that I don't think really rhyme:
"sharp" and "heart". But that's ok

Keep 'em coming!

Thanks! I was trying to rhyme the "ar" noise inside the words, but I guess it didn't have that effect.

That was a nice poem. ^_^ I like the simplicity of it and how it is direct to the point. And you did a good job making me feel the pain when I read the fourth stanza! xD It was so dramatic/tragic though. Well, that's why it's under 'Dramatic Poetry' XD.

Umm... yea. This is really good.

I'm lovin' the effort, Morgan. haha xD

Usually I don't review poems but after I read this one I found that I had to. This is a really good one. I could feel the emotions that you put into it. Needless to say, it was an enjoyable read.
- Shadow

Hey Matt,

I’ve come for the review you requested. You requested a more in-depth analysis for this one, and I’m happy to give it. To be on the level, I will note that rhyme has never been one of my favourite elements. As such, I’m going to ignore that for the time being and focus more on your subject matter and how you treat it.

Here we go. Your couplets are working against you here. They’re chopping up the rhythm and the flow of the poem, and I think that the feeling of the poem is asking for a smooth roll down toward your end lines. Push it together, separate the poem on the different sections instead; Pain/heart/action or something similar. Give the poem a chance to move and roll with the words. Which also brings me to the punctuation, your use of capitalisation is slightly off and fixing that would really help my personal read of the poem. I’d also like to see you play with the sentences a little more, with how they run together and how the meaning changes as you add or retract commas and such.

The content of the poem is hard to talk about here, so I think I’ll have to be hardline about it. This is an emo poem (blood, pain, pens, rararar) and I’ve heard all of this before. Your best image and therefore line, is “As I cut at my own heart” because it isn’t “in” or “out”, it’s “at” which is a new way to look at it. However you follow this with a generic “slow blood, sad thoughts” which emo poetry is very up on. I think you have the skill to work this much better.

THIS REVIEW is paused midway. I'm sorry, I'll get back and finish it soon! Normally, I'd wait to post, but I didn't want to forget it entirely.

- Penguin.

Great poem here You did a great job with portraying your feelings. You poem was short and yet to the point. I really liked this part here:

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart.

This was some deep stuff. Kinda dark too. I like that about it. I also appreciate that fact that you utilized imperfect rhyming. I do the same thing, and I think it sometimes works a lot better than precise rhyming. The words "sharp" and "heart" do not exactly rhyme. But the similarity is there and it connects the thought extremely well. Great job. Sweet poem

MattLangg wrote:Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen. Exact same structure as the last line.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow, What? Weird wording.
as it creeps up my throat again.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp. I really don't like the repetition. There are better ways to emphasize this.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling At what thought? This sounds really strange.
as I cut at my own heart.

The slow trickle of blood,
representing everything I've had, I really don't like it when people say that something represents something, like they think the reader would be too dumb to figure it out if they said it differently. Plus, it's a prime example of telling and not showing.
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves Not sure what this means.
that covered up everything that was bad. "Bad" is so bland.

These actions aren't glorified,
they come from an echoing cave so deep. Too long. And "so deep" sounds really weird.
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep. Don't like the triple adjectives here.

-Kafka

I'm speechless. This is truly amazing. You are a gifted writer, and the emotion conveyed in this is just overwhelming. It's a work of art, and you have such an enticing way that you work with words. I just love it Makes me wanna read more.

The only suggestions I can make are:

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen. This line is a bit confusing. Maybe switch out dust for something a little more descriptive?
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again

.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin. This last line here was brilliant ^_^

Keep writing, and good luck!

~Mask

omg! i love this! its awesome!

Matt,
That is a amazing and heart renching poem.I love how you used un rhyming rhymes and drew them together.The emotion was so bold and shadowy.The adjectives are well used and extremely strong.The last stanza was a blood chilling end.It suffices everything very well.The words echoe in my head.Your imagery could use some work.The base is well built but I think it lacks visual coherence.[flash=]visual coherence is when you can imagine and the poem paints a picture in your head.[/flash]I would say its a magnifiscent poem and needs some work.Good luck!
~Spartacus~

When my time came I knew my heart was gone my soul already dead a short life to live but hardly a life at all to me this was the break I needed as I cut away my last breath ~dreamer~

'Ello there! LPR here to review!

MattLangg wrote:Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again. Wow. Very full of deep emotion.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart. Eeee. Last line is a bit boringish, in my opinion.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin. Wow. Very full of emotion again. Last line really cut me deep.

These actions aren't glorified,
they're inside of me, so deep,
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep. Waaaa. Don't die! But a good ending to a sad, dark, emotional poem.

Keep writing!

--LPR.

+ Whoa, great poem. It was truly dramatic in a sense that it gives me the concept that the guy /speaker of the poem was suiciding. :]

+ Well, I just hope that some of the words would rhyme (sounds better that way, I guess). I think the other YWers have said enough about your poem, so, I just dropped by to say that this is really good just like "Morgan's lullaby" :3

--> CS