My Brother's News

Hey! I'm not really good at this sort of story, so bear with me! I had to write this story for social studies, so the story may be a little choppy. Constructive criticism is welcome! Thanks!
-Titan
Our whole family got together to hear the good news. My brother was going to tell us what college he got excepted to! In the room was my sister Jaime, my mom, my dad, my younger brother Joey, and me, Katherine. My older brother, Robert, walked into the room.

"Instead of going to college this year, I am joining the army. I was accepted in the draft, which is a system of required service in the armed forces. Isn't that great?" Robert announced. It seemed like time had stopped. My mom looked over to my dad, who was shaking his head. My little sister Jaime was thinking it over. It was six year old Joey who broke the silence.

"That's great Rob! You can shoot big guns all day! And those are the real ones!" Joey said. We all looked from Joey, to Robert, and then, I ran out of the room and into my bedroom. How could this be happening? My older brother was going to leave and fight in a war. And, he might never come back. How could this be happening? He was supposed to be going to college, not fighting in a war!

I tried to forget about it by doing my homework. I grabbed out the reading and started where I left off.

" A compromise is and agreement to settle a dispute." I read aloud. Of course! I could compromise with Robert. Even better! I could persuade him into staying home, or going to college! Why didn't I think of it before? I'll finish my homework and ask him when I'm done! I thought. Satisfied, I grabbed out my social studies question sheet. What was the Articles of Confederation? The document that created the first central government for the United States.

That's who is taking away my brother. The government! How can anyone listen to them?

"They should make an amendment to the law that says the army can't take in older brothers.If there is a law existing like that." I told myself. How did armies start? I wondered.

" It was probably because of the dispute from the fur trade. I wish that never happened." I said. Then, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in a cornfield, lying on the dirt. I had ragged clothes on, and in one pocket, there was a piece of currency,money used in a country. I could hear some men fighting and got up to see what was going on. An important-looking man was taking the animals from a poor-looking farmer.

"You can't do this!" the farmer was saying. " I must." The other man said.

" This must be Shay's Rebellion." I said to myself, realizing that the animals were getting taken away because the farmer failed to pay his taxes. Then, all of a sudden, the cornfield was gone, and I saw the farmers protesting, and fighting against the high taxes. The new poorly made army was taking care of the farmers. If it wasn't for the army, the protesters would be raiding the street and there would be riots breaking out. The army helped keep everything in order. Without an army, I thought, our country would be in chaos! Then, I woke up and was lying in my own bed.

I walked downstairs and found Robert packing."Robert, I understand why you chose to go." I told my brother.

" Thank you Katherine." He said, and gave me a big hug.

Hello! Welcome to YWS

Honestly, I am thoroughly confused by what is going on here. Here's some things you really need to work on; first off, the story begins abruptly, without any chance to get to know the characters and feel for Robert. We, as the reader, need to feel what Katherine is feeling by giving the characters all some background. What you need to do is start off much earlier in the story, then, the climax (turning point) of the story will be when her brother tells them that he's going into the army. That way we will get a chance to understand just how things are in Katherine's world.

Then, the entire middle part about her doing the homework is so bland. The whole time she is speaking to herself but the reader doesn't have a chance to actually empathize (feel for her) at all. Not to mention the fact that it seems all too convenient that when she tries to forget about her brother, she's studying about the government. If anything, it would make much more sense if she were researching the government to better understand her brother's chocie. Also, use exclamation marks sparingly, they should only really be used in conversation, otherwise the piece doesn't seem professional at all, almost like the main character is jittery on coffee or something.

Then, with the dream, it's an interesting idea and could very easily be so much better. All it needs is a bit more description and dialogue, drag it out longer so that the reader has time to feel as though they are there with Katherine instead of it being like *poof* she's in a cornfield. Then, *poof* she's back home.

You need need NEED to describe things in a more descriptive manner, what does her room look like? The place in her dream? The living room? Set the scene up for the reader so that we can picture it.

One more thing, Bobby is a nickname for Robert. I don't think that the parents would give their children the same name....unless they just absolutely loved that name.

Overall, this has potential. But you need to take your time, pace things out, let the reader ease into the story and then they'll be able to not only understand the characters better, but also be able to feel what they are feeling.

PM me with any questions!
-Once

I agree with the above reviewer - this has potential, but you need to space things out and fix a few things, for example...

There are quite a few holes left in characterization. For example, we aren't given the character's age, which would put the piece in perspective. My guess is that she's around 12 at the oldest - her musings on the government are incredibly childlike. In pieces like this, you'll need to either state the age early on or make it very clear how old she is by her early behavior.

Another problem is that you're doing a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. Show us her family's excitement before the proclamation, and how it sinks. Show us how terrible she feels when she realizes her brother may never come back. Right now, we have the bare bones of the story, and it's hard to sympathizes with anyone.

Another problem is more in the plot than the characters or execution - you don't explain how the scene she views with Shay's Rebellion makes her realize her brother is making the right choice, though as a history lover I liked the reference. What exactly about it resembles his situation? The whole scene didn't really click for me, and I'm not sure what you're aiming for. If you don't have a specific reason for why you're using that event, there are other historical events in United States history that fit better, like the Revolutionary War. Also, the government thread seems to be tangled - does she realize the government is good, or that war is a necessary evil to fix things? In general, this part of the story was rather confusing and hard to follow. Definitely add some stuff here.

Everything else I noticed was covered by your lovely first reviewer, so that's it. :] Hope this helped, happy writing!

Hey! Um im kinda new at this so.. but i really wanted to review your story so here it goes

First off I wanna say how much I agree with the reviewers above. You start the story off really abruptly, which makes it difficult to feel for the chracters. Perhaps if you gave more of an introduction of the characters it wouldnt have felt so rushed/choppy. I thought your use of dialogue was really intersting but don't abuse exclamtion points. It gives them more meaning when they are used only at points when it is truly needed. Also I thought maybe you could have maybe had the main character mention to her brother that she didn't want him to go which would later make the last line more sincere.
Also perhaps you could put the character's thoughts in quotations. This is what my english teacher always tells me and I feel it helps the story be less confusing.

Ok well that was my review for your story I really enjoyed it and keep writing!
-bookcutie

For one, why have you spaced every single sentance out??? It really annoys me and also, it doesn't make it look longer, it makes it look shorter to me. You should put most sentances together, without the big gap. One or two is fine, but to many make the reader confused and annoyed.
I didn't exactly like the whole description of it all. You should describe the characters more, and put more info on what's going through her mind.
Also, when I character speaks, a clear new line starts. Not a gap line, a new line, just one click of the enter button.

Overall, I found this not my taste. Maybe you should try a different genre to have a go at. Experimenting is best. Well done for your try, though.