The Painter's Daughter

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Please review, i'm hoping this is good, haven't been on the sight in a long time, been focusing on studies....so yeah... :D have fun <3


Chapter I

A crisp wind broke through the small, open bungalow, teetering the many painted canvases set out to dry. The home was in the middle of a clearing, the only spot of solace within the dark forest. The forest itself stretched over hundreds of miles swarming the high snowcapped mountains and contained many beasts unmentionable. Birds chattered and sang their songs up in the towering Reds. The snapping of twigs could be heard as the unmentionable beasts bounded for cover in the underbrush.
The brook that fell from the tallest mountain’s peak traveled right through the clearing, giving the one who lived in the tiny cottage fresh water to drink and give to the couple horses that grazed over the hill.
The peaceful scenery and isolated cottage distracted most from the high risk of living alone, but the man in the cottage wasn’t unaccompanied.
“Ged,” the little girl said as her fingers grabbed at her father’s trousers, afraid of falling into the faster pacing downstream.
Her father stood fast, unaffected by his daughter light weight against his thigh. His fishing rod was grasped tightly in his hands waiting for the slight tug of delectable fish and his eyes hungrily searching for a flip of a tail.
“Ged,” the little girl said again.
This time, her father reached down, and with great strength and control, lifted her up onto his shoulders. She clung tightly to his hair and cotton shirt, her little fingers searching for a place to gain balance when his hand boosted her diapered rump onto his shoulder.
“That better Bionca?” the little girl’s father asked.
When he could feel her nodding and the small pressure of her head lean against his he awkwardly cast his line again.
The two continued their day like so, caring on conversation, although most of it consisted of the father talking primarily to himself as Bionca only knew one word.
“Ged,” Bionca chirped suddenly. Ged’s eyes watered as she leaned to point at one of the horses.
Over the golden glare of the sun, he was able to see the black begin to ooze from the forest towards the horses. Its charcoal-like fog suddenly burst from the trees, indenting them backwards with its gust.
Ged thrust his fishing rod away, letting it fall into the river as he hoisted her above his head into his arms, running for shelter in their house.
As he ran, Bionca looked at her father. She listened to his short ragged breath and felt his beating heart against her tightly constricted body.
Over her father’s shoulder, Bionca saw the formidable shadow engulf one of the horses as the others savagely ran off, spooked by the unseen creature. As the black smoke crushed into the ground like a ton of ale spilling from its barrel, the jagged white bones of the horse was left standing for a moment before it collapsed to the ground in a powdered dust.
Above the clouds began to growl and moan as they dragged themselves nearer to the catastrophic event at hand. A flash of lightning webbed across the sky as Ged flew through the open cabin doors, knocking down the umbrella holder and coat rack.
“Stay here,” Ged warned Bionca.
As her father turned to leave, Bionca got down from the window seat he had put her on and stumbled after her father. She suddenly found herself sitting back on the windowsill seat with her father towering over her.
“Bionca listen to me,” Ged said firmly. “You must stay here, I’ll be back. Lock the doors behind me.”
Bionca nodded, but started to cry.
Not wanting to waste time, Ged left without another word into the monsoon that had picked up outside.
From her seat at the window, Bionca peered out of it as she watched her father’s blurred figure walk towards the forest. With much needed strength, Bionca slid down from her seat and went over to shut and lock the doors.
One…two…three…four…five…six…seven locks she counted as she slid the bolt or key in every single one securing the door closed. For a moment she felt safe, then the horrible dark shadow of a beast unmentionable came peeking through the windows. Bionca stared into its face, if that’s what it is to be called. The beast’s unmentionable’s had no face, really just space. Black empty space.
They stared at each other for a while before it abruptly evaporated into the rain.
A cold finger feeling ran up Bionca’s back, giving her the chills. Rubbing her arms vigorously with her hands she made her way over to the fireplace. It looked dull and gray, like everything else at the moment. Looking around her, Bionca found herself studying one of her father’s latest works, his biggest yet. Four by five feet.
Crawling over to it she placed a finger on the canvas to see if the oils had dried yet. It had, and she began to run her finger across the textures of the spring. How much the water looked real with its white froth tickling her fingertips. She then ran her fingers over the little girl sitting on the rock playing with the water. Her white sundress flowed to the side of her into the water. The wind was whipping her black velvet looking hair around. Bionca’s finger’s then traveled over to the large palomino drinking water next to her. She felt the mane of the horse, then the tail. That little girl was her, and that was her horse.
The background of the painting was even more impressive. Every blade of grass seemed to be painted on the meadow along with every leaf on every tree in the forest. The mountain placed behind the forest was most fun to slide down her fingers on. The painting was a masterpiece. When she felt the horse in the painting, she felt her own horse, he had even got the blue eyes correct.
Bionca had become so involved with the painting she hadn’t heard the footsteps circling outside or that the rain had come to an abrupt halt until a beam of golden sun glistened through the large window. It then faded as a figure stood in front of the window. It was Ged, hardly recognizable with half the forest clinging to him with river bed muck stuck to his goatee and boots.
With a sudden vigor, Bionca flew to the window, struggling up onto the high window seat and pried opened the wooden doors only to fall into her father’s arms which held her close to him.
“I told you I was coming back,” he murmured, climbing over the sill.
With Bionca in his arms, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, a simple gesture of she would never let go.
~
A few month’s passed after the storm. Ged had explained to Bionca that it was just a coincidence that the beast unmentionables had come out of the forest as well as their boundaries during the storm, and that the storm itself was a natural one, not one caused by any spirits.
A few more months flew by again and the home was done being repaired and the only thing lost was the stallion, a few of the many paintings set out to dry, and time to set up for Bionca’s birthday.
“How many candles do you want Boo,” Ged asked. The candles were large hand-made candles, meant for dining room tables and night lights.
“I got seven,” Ged shouted down the disjointed hallway.
At the end, towards Bionca’s bedroom, a tiny figure dashed from beneath a table covered in books on top a drape of cloth under it.
“Bionca,” Ged shouted again. “You better not be playin’ games wi’ me now.”
After a long pause filled with a loud silence, Ged let out an exasperated sigh and ambled towards the open front doors. He scanned the green horizon before spotting Bionca playing by the creek.
The tiny gray fish ran through her fingers like melted butter with an after feeling of it being set out in the sun. The fins nicked her finger’s giving her what looked like millions of paper cuts. But she didn’t’ mind. Bionca was immune to those little things now. Picking up a rock embedded into the creek, it unearthed a slew of mossy colored muck and tadpoles.
As Bionca leaned closer to the stream, her knees tucked beneath her chest, she jolted upward by two strong arms, into her father’s broad chest.
“Come on now, lil’ Boo,” Ged said, grinning. “I got a present for you.”
After setting Bionca down at the kitchen table, Ged went over to the cupboards and revealed a small, sad looking cake, with a large chunk missing from it chocolate frosted side.
“Damn goblins,” Ged muttered under his breath, sure that Bionca didn’t hear. “first they steal me’ meat and now they gone take Boo’s birthday cake. Guess them fox traps aren’t workin’.”
“Ged,” Bionca chirped.
Ged turned around and sheepishly set down the cake with seven candles jammed into it, flames dancing on their tip.
“Ged,” Bionca said smiling. “It’s beautiful.”
“Glad you think so,” Ged said. “Go ahead and make your wish.”
And with those words said, Bionca closed her eyes, biting her lip. A moment passed by before Ged began to shift from his right foot. Then Bionca opened her eyes and began to suck in as much air as she could before letting it all escape in a mad frenzy, knocking a couple of the candles down.
“Nicely done,” Ged said, whipping the spit from his cheek, then leaning over to scrub the drool on his little girl’s chin.
Bionca devoured the cake with little of Ged’s help, although he patted himself on the back for such a well baking job on his account. Bionca never seemed to care or notice the variation in the completeness of the cooking he did. Steak was the only thing he could really prepare well and since that was the case, that’s what he made for Bionca’s birthday dinner.
As the day progressed, Bionca became more and more withdrawn as sleep beckoned her to bed. So as the sun was ready to set, Ged took her to the springs hidden behind the clearing to get ready. Traveling behind the house, through the densely wooded trail, Ged finally reached the springs. He followed the broken, deteriorating stoned path covered in slick algae to the small set of stairs and set Bionca down on the middle one. Slipping her blue sundress and undergarments away, he left her to climb into the spring herself.
The spring was like a small bowl of water that was trapped by a small hill. To the day, Ged still didn’t know how it had formed. The only explanation he could come up with is one he thought of himself which he shared with Bionca.
“This spirit...Ged...this spirit has a weird looking foot,” Bionca shrieked.
Beginning to giggle as the slick grass beneath the water tickled her, Ged began to scrub her down with a towel.
“You know... all these trees are spirits,” Ged said. “They can hear you talking about them too.”
Bionca grinned then placed her index and middle finger on her forehead and bowed.
“Spirits, spirits at my hand,” she chanted. “Take my home, protect this land.”
An eerie gust of wind traveled through the channel of trees making them moan and sway on their trunks like old men walking down the hallway with a bad back. Ged’s hair stood on end.
“Bionca we need to go,” he said urgently. “Hold your breath.”
Quickly drying Bionca off after her dunking her in the water, her picked her up and they set off down the trail to home.
Something doesn’t seem right, thought Ged. Just then, another eerie wind broke through the trees. Sniffing the air, Ged smelled the mustiness of an oncoming rain and began to quicken his pace.
“Ged the spirits are angry?” Bionca said with an added question at the end. She was as unsure as the atmosphere than he was.
“I think they’re sad,” Ged said, not revealing the real thought that trickled in from behind his brain.
They had reached the cabin by now, Ged hurrying through the open front doors, shutting them behind him, locking all seven locks.
“Ged are they sad because Byrd died,” Bionca said.
Byrd, the horse that had been killed by the beast unmentionable, had been in the family for nearly two generations and was still healthy as ever. Ged had once told Bionca it was because Byrd had drank the whine of one of the forest spirits after escaping, elongated it’s life by half.
“I think you could be right,” Ged said, lighting the fireplace.
Fumbling with the flint for a moment, Ged finally sparked it, setting into a heated rage of cracks and pops.
“Com’er Boo,” Ged said.
Unfolding one of Bionca’s nightgowns from a very large, very red wooden chest, Ged turned around to slide it onto Bionca. Her arm got stuck halfway, but Ged carefully guided it out into its proper hole.
When life hands you lemons.....stuff them in your bra...
Dear Edward,
Piss off you poser
,Dracula

Do you bite your thumb at me Sir?!
My mama used to say life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what ur gunna get...




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Points 240
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Ahoy! Bunny here to review. :3
So, I'm really glad I read this, because it was a pleasant breath of fresh air. I think the idea you have for this story is wonderful and unique and intriguing. Your descriptions were detailed without being too flowery, and I already adore your characters, Bionca and Ged. In this relatively short piece, you managed to create such a beautiful yet terrifying world as well as believable and lovable characters. Your syntax and diction were very clear and flowed well from beginning to end. Besides a couple mishaps, your grammar was great which made for much easier and more enjoyable read. For an overall impression, I enjoy this immensely. :}

Ok, so for the details.
Here are just a few places that were not necessarily incorrect, just a little awkward/unclear:
The brook that fell from the tallest mountain's peak traveled right through the clearing, giving the one who lived in the tiny cottage fresh water to drink and give to the couple horses that grazed over the hill.

Here, I see what you're trying to say, But the last part of the sentence was a little awkward. I would suggest rephrasing it to something like "...giving the one who lived in the tiny cottage and the couple of horses that grazed over the hill fresh water to drink." Or something like that.
Ged's eyes watered as she leaned to point at one of the horses.

This sentence was a little unclear as it isn't specified what is making Ged's eyes water. I know it had something to do with Bionca moving atop his shoulders, but is it because she's pulling his hair? Choking him a little by pulling his collar? Just elaborate a bit:3
The beast's unmentionable's had no face, really just space. Black empty space.

I really liked this description, but the "beast's unmentionable's" part was strange. You had the right idea later on, but I would change it to "beast unmentionables" since these two words go together and it's plural not possessive.
With Bionca in his arms, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, a simple gesture of she would never let go.

I'm thinking this was just a typing error, but the last phrase with the out of place "of" was strange. Just edit this so it makes more sense so it's a stronger way to end this part of the piece. Everything leading up to this was so good and clear that you don't want to disrupt that flow with a strangely worded sentence.
The tiny gray fish ran through her fingers like melted butter with an after feeling of it being set out in the sun.

I sort of see the metaphor you're trying to implement here, and I commend your creativity, but the use of "it" at the end makes this a little difficult to understand. Is it the butter that's supposed to have the quality of being set out in the sun or her fingers? I'm assuming the butter, but even that is still unclear. Elaborate and this'll closer convey what you're trying to tell.
"This spirit...Ged...this spirit has a weird looking foot," Bionca shrieked.

In this sentence, I figured it would provide more elaboration for Ged's theory concerning the formation of the little spring on the hill, but I'm just assuming that he told Bionca a spirit had stepped there and left a hole. I think that idea is really precious, especially if he's sharing that theory with his daughter, but I feel that the leap between his thought process then her exclamation is confusing...so yeah. ^^'

Now for the good stuffs. :3
Over the golden glare of the sun, he was able to see the black begin to ooze from the forest towards the horses. Its charcoal-like fog suddenly burst from the trees, indenting them backwards with its gust.

the description here is really great, and I can totally see this happening. I like the detail about the trees being indented by the black ooze; I thought it was a nice touch.
As the black smoke crushed into the ground like a ton of ale spilling from its barrel, the jagged white bones of the horse was left standing for a moment before it collapsed to the ground in a powdered dust.

Again, another wonderful ooze-centered description. Okay, so I'm a twisted person, so maybe that's why I liked this part so much, but still! I love the imagery and the sudden shift in atmosphere from serene to this demonic violence. Very cool.
(insert sentences describing painting)
I thought the description here was also very nice and gave a better feeling for Ged and his artwork without being too info dump...ish. :}
“Damn goblins,” Ged muttered under his breath, sure that Bionca didn’t hear. “first they steal me’ meat and now they gone take Boo’s birthday cake. Guess them fox traps aren’t workin’.”

I thought this was very cute. I love the play between their lives together and all the mystical things surrounding them. I want to know so much more about their world! :)
“You know... all these trees are spirits,” Ged said. “They can hear you talking about them too.”
Bionca grinned then placed her index and middle finger on her forehead and bowed.
“Spirits, spirits at my hand,” she chanted. “Take my home, protect this land.”

Again with the cute! I can so see this little girl chanting and trying to be all serious when praying to these spirits but still smiling and giggling. Gah! Precious. I love these two already.

Honestly, I loved this story. Throughout the piece there were things that made me smile inwardly, but those specified quotes are just a few. This story also reminded me of this movie, Princess Mononoke. You may of may not have seen it before, but it's beautiful and has the same nature/spirit/ooze monster thing going for it. That being said, you definitely have something unique here. I'm interested to see what Ged's paintings may have to do with the plot of your story among other questions like why only the two of them are out in the middle of nowhere and what the beast unmentionables are. Spurring those kinds of questions in what makes a story interesting and keeps your reader coming back for more, which I certainly will. ;)
I really hope this review helped in some way, if in editing or if in inspiring you to write more. Please let me know if you have any questions about anything I've said. AND! I would highly appreciate a shoutout if--no, when--you post more for this story (or anything else you might want read).
Keep up the wonderful work!
Much loves,
Bunny
"I can have oodles of charm when I want to." --Kurt Vonnegut Jr.



Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb