Together, Forever [tenative title]

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A/N: Okay, so this is the first thing I've been able to write in a long while. I've kinda been going through some stuff and I thought I should write something...this is what came of that. It's not that good, but still, I thought I'd put it up here.

____________________________________________________________________

They didn’t know that she could hear them in the other room.

Shelly lay curled in her bed, her eyes open wide to the dark. She heard the man and woman’s voices floating into her bedroom. She closed her eyes and shoved a pillow over her head, trying to block the sounds out.

She was amazed, really, that he dared bring another woman in her own home, even if only momentarily. Shelly was offended that he thought she wouldn’t notice. She could smell the perfume that clung to his clothes and skin after he was late home from work or went for walks late in the evening.

Finally the front door closed, signaling the other woman’s exit. Minutes afterwards, the man’s silhouette fell over the bed as he entered the room. Shelly glued her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, “Good night,” he whispered, his breath tickling her neck. She held up her guise by not responding, breathing deeply.

*


Shelly sat at the kitchen table, around her the morning sun casting golden rainbows through the room.

She didn’t even notice Jon come in and quietly fix himself his morning coffee. She was intent on the drawing in front of her. She had to get the shading in the background just right.

After a final minute of intense concentration she looked up at him, “Good morning.” She smiled. He laughed at the sudden change in her.

“Morning, lovely. What are you drawing?” he shrugged off the counter and leaned over the table.

“It’s us, together.” She held up the drawing to him, “I’ve been working on it all morning.”

“I can tell. It’s beautiful.” She beamed at his approving smile.

A shrill electronic ring came from another room, “I’ll get it, baby, you just eat some breakfast.” He said as he left the kitchen, coffee in hand. Shelly munched on cereal from the box beside her, Honey Nut Cheerios, her favorite. His voice carried through the air to her, a tone of worry evident. She became worried and crept over to the office door where he was standing, holding the phone to his ear. His voice was low, almost a whisper as he spoke, “I’m sorry, Cindy, I’m just not ready to tell her. Yes, I know. I love you too, really, I do, but I’m just…I know. I just don’t think it’s the right time.”

Shelly tried with all her being not to storm in there and slap the phone from his hand, scream at the woman and slam it back on the cradle. “This weekend?” he was continuing, “Yeah, that sounds good actually. I’m sure she’d love it. You’re right, maybe if you two become friends it’ll be easier to tell her. Friday afternoon sound good? Good. All right, love you too. Bye.”

*


Shelly sat on her bed, fuming. How dare he bring another woman into his life like this? She thought he loved her, she had devoted herself to him…and now he is giving his love, his time to another woman?
No. Not acceptable, she thought. She sat and thought for a while, through lunch even, and finally decided. She’d have to get rid of Cindy this weekend, somehow. She’d seen enough of those cop shows on television to get away with it.

*


Shelly and Cindy searched through many stores in the mall, bonding. Or, that’s what Cindy believed. She didn’t seem to notice the short answers that Shelly gave to her questions, nor did she seem to notice how Shelly never returned with any of her own questions.

Cindy generously bought Shelly a shirt, although Shelly wasn’t too fond of it.

When they got back to Cindy’s apartment later that night they ordered pizza and watched movies until they fell asleep, curled up on the couch.

*


As the women made lunch the next day, the doorbell broke through Cindy’s incessant rambling. Shelly gladly removed herself from the kitchen and answered the door.

The man standing there was obviously a part of the mail carrying sort. “Hey,” his tone was puzzled, “Where’s Cindy? I thought this was her house…” he leaned around the doorframe, noting the number of the house. He looked even more puzzled when it was the number he remembered.

“It is. She’s here, I’m just visiting.” Shelly explained and his puzzled expression fell as he heard Cindy’s voice from the kitchen. “Eric? Is that you? Come on in.” Eric the mailman smiled as Shelly moved aside to let him in. They moved into the kitchen and Eric kissed Cindy on the cheek as she chopped tomatoes for her sandwich.

“Hey darling,” he said, beaming at her, “Having a good day?”

“Of course,” Cindy’s voice was guarded, but Eric didn’t seem to notice. “We were just making lunch.”

“Oh, yummy. I just stopped in to say that I love you.” He held out flowers to Cindy. Her eyes widened as she accepted them.

“Thank you! They’re lovely,” Cindy cut her eyes at Shelly for a moment while hugging Eric. “I love them,” she kissed him; “I love you too.”

Now, Shelly had never herself been a paramour but, she knew one when she saw it. And Cindy was it.

Shelly picked up the knife Cindy had been using and cleaned it while Eric fondled Cindy. As she was drying the blade Eric saw her though and took it from her, “Be careful,” he said, “You don’t want to cut yourself.” And he put it down on the counter.

“I’ve got to go. Got lots of mail to deliver.” He smiled, kissed Cindy once more and shook Shelly’s hand, saying how good it was to meet her. Then Cindy walked him to the door and waved as he started down the street.
In the kitchen Shelly pulled on an oven mitt and picked up the knife. She weighed it in her hand until she could hold it tight and still use it. When Cindy walked back in the kitchen and saw Shelly standing with a knife in her hand, she froze.

“You’re so selfish.” She said before Cindy’s astonished look. “You’ve got your mailman and yet you still come and take my man from me.”

“S-Shelly, he’s your—“ her voice broke with a scream as Shelly lunged at her, knife poised like a poisonous snake, ready to strike.

*


A knock on the door woke Jon from his mid-afternoon nap. “Coming!” his voice cracked. Sluggishly he pulled himself from under the blankets and ropped his feet to the cold floor.

Another knock.

“I’m coming! Hold your houses,” he shuffled through his laundry and pulled on sweatpants from earlier that morning. He trudged to the door and upon opening it, he saw a police officer carrying Shelly in his arms.

“Is this your daughter, sir?” the officer asked.

Jon stammered, “Y-yes, that’s my Shelly.” He reached out for her both numbly and carefully as he took her in his arms. Blood more that specked her face and clothes, she was shaking, her eyes were wide as saucers. Tears left a canyon of pale white on her red cheeks.

“What happened?” Jon’s voice broke again as he clutched Shelly to his chest. He didn’t even seem to notice the blood now staining his skin.

“The woman she was with, Cindy Donahue, are you acquainted with her?” the cop asked, probably a little too calmly.

“Yes, she’s my—She was my girlfriend.”

“Well, she was found murdered in her apartment earlier today. Shelly here was in the backroom, crying when we found her.” Jon clutched her tighter. “From the prints we found on the knife, it seems like Eric Fischer, the mail man, killed her; Stabbed her about eight times.”

Jon blinked, frozen in a state of shock. The police officer took his information down so he could get in touch with Shelly later in the investigation before getting in his car and leaving Shelly in the care of her father.

In the kitchen, the image of two stick figures smiled at the world from the refrigerator, holding hands. At the bottom corner, Shelly’s name was scrawled as was the date from earlier in the week. Above their heads were the words, “Shelly and Daddy.” Above that, underlined, was “Together, forever. Always!”
MDR FTW X3

DANCER




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Hey there! I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people call me Dream, and I'm here to give you a review! I hope you like it ^_^

So on with the show!

Grammar and Punctuation:

Shelly lay curled in her bed, her eyes open wide to the dark.


You have a couple wonky lines like this throughout your piece. If you rephrase them, they'll make a little more sense so the reader won't get confused at the imagery you're trying to create here.

She thought he loved her, she had devoted herself to him…and now he is giving his love, his time to another woman?


The first comma in this line should be a semicolon. If you were to change the three periods to a comma, then you could easily keep the first comma, but unfortunately in this case the comma doesn't work out so well.

Shelly munched on cereal from the box beside her, Honey Nut Cheerios, her favorite.


This is another case of misused commas. The first comma should be a period and the second comma should be a semicolon. Most of these comma errors could easily be fixed with a couple rereadings. Try reading it out loud a couple times. That way, you'll see what effect the commas give to a line.

“I’m coming! Hold your houses,” he shuffled through his laundry and pulled on sweatpants from earlier that morning.


There are only a couple of these that I spotted throughout your piece. By these, I mean grammatical errors. I believe you meant 'horses' instead of 'houses'. Again, these could easily be fixed with a bit of rereading.

Anything I have written above have multiple errors throughout the piece. If you'd like, I could always come back and fine-comb it for you if need be. I really wouldn't mind! For now, onto the next section.

Plot:

Plot is what you have in this piece, and I quite like that. Its well spread out and easy to catch hold onto. Its eerie at the end but very fascinating to say the least. For that, I really do enjoy this piece.

One thing you should probably think about is how a child would think. You have a lot of very adult sounding thoughts that I don't believe a child would catch onto. Maybe thats why I first thought this was a story about a husband and wife to begin with xD. A good way of doing that would be to call Jon 'Daddy' or something of that general sort. If you were going for the effect that we aren't supposed to know, then I suppose that would be acceptible, but there are little lines that make the reader know that she is a child from the start.

Setting and Description:

You do have descriptive lines throughout this piece, but not anything that should give the reader a sense of the people in the story, nor the place in which they live and what not. Its hard to grasp what Jon would look like, or Shelly for that matter. Are they average? Beautiful? What does Shelly see when she sees these two people or even the mailman for that matter?

Give the reader a sense for where they are and what they should be feeling. Show and not tell. It will really help your story catch the attention of any reader!

Characterization:

Like I had said prior, you make this story feel as if it is the thought process of someone much older than the illedged age that Shelly is. I don't know if that was for effect or not but it makes it very unbelievable that any child should think her father as anyone but daddy. For that, I would think about trimming down some of the thought processes and maybe give more childish words to her thoughts.

That, and I don't see too much shaping of the other characters. If the child is sociopathtic, give us reasons to believe it from the start. And don't just tell it. Show it in the way she does thing, or the way she feels about certain subjects.

Overall:

I really liked this piece! It was creative, and the ending was rather spooky. If you made a book about Shelly, I would definitly buy it! For that, I give this a thumbs up. It has a ton of potential, and if refined, I'm sure you'll have a great piece of Literature on your hands.

That and its really creepy which I much enjoy!

~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Hey Chryssa!

I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you :)

1. Nit-piks -

Shelly sat at the kitchen table, around her the morning sun casting golden rainbows through the room.


I think 'casting' would be better as 'cast'

he shrugged off the counter and


'he' should be 'He' Also, I don't think shrugged sounds right. Maybe try -

'He slid off the counter and'

A shrill electronic ring came from another room, “I’ll get it, baby, you just eat some breakfast.” He said as he left the kitchen, coffee in hand.


It should read -

'A shrill electronic ring came from another room. “I’ll get it, baby, you just eat some breakfast, he said as he left the kitchen, coffee in hand.'

Shelly munched on cereal from the box beside her, Honey Nut Cheerios, her favorite.


I think the first comma should be a dash or a semi-colon.

a tone of worry evident. She became worried


You use 'worry' twice here, so I'd swap one for another word to stop it from sounding repetitive. Maybe try - 'She became anxious'

and now he is giving his love


'is' should be 'was'

and finally decided


Try - 'and finally made a decision.'

When they got back to Cindy’s apartment later that night they ordered pizza and watched movies until they fell asleep, curled up on the couch.


Comma after 'night'

The man standing there was obviously a part of the mail carrying sort.


How was it obvious? Was he wearing a uniform? If so, I'd add it in to make it clearer as to why it was obvious to Shelly.

he leaned around the


'He'

“Of course,” Cindy’s voice


The comma should be a full stop.

They’re lovely,” Cindy cut her eyes


Same as above. Also, I don't quite understand the expression - 'cut her eyes' :/ Is it like she rolled them or slammed them or looked at Shelly?

took it from her, “Be


Comma should be a full stop again.

selfish.” She said before


Should be -

'selfish,” she said before

“I’m coming! Hold your houses,” he shuffled through


I think you mean 'houses' to be 'horses' Also, the comma should be a sull stop.

Blood more that specked her face and clothes, she was shaking, her eyes were wide as saucers.


Try -

'Blood specked her face and clothes and she was shaking, her eyes as wide as saucers.'

“Yes, she’s my—She was my girlfriend.”


Why the change mid answer? He doesn't know she's dead yet. Unless they broke up, but then why would Shelly be at her house?

2. Thoughts -

So, this had a good twist to it. I had sort of a feeling near the end that she was going to be his daughter, but the end was still good and my thoughts didn't really spoil the twist.

The only thing that bothered me was Shelly's age. The drawing at the end seems to have been done by a young child, yet Shelly seems to refer to herself as a woman -

How dare he bring another woman into his life like this?


his time to another woman?


I know that this may have been your way of keeping the fact that she's his daughter, not his girlfriend, hidden until the end, but it makes the story read a little oddly where Shelly's age is concerned.

Your punctuation where dialogue is, is little off too - putting commas where there should be full stops and vice versa. I've corrected most of them so I hope this helps in the future :)

This was a good little story and I liked it!

I hope this review helps and I'm glad you're writing again :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hello there. :)

I'm not going to do tons of nitpicking since people before me already did the most of it.
“Morning, lovely. What are you drawing?” he shrugged off the counter and leaned over the table.

Shrugged? It doesn't make sense... Shrug means to move in some way, like nod and wave. Maybe try moved away?

The plot was good, and I really like the little twist at the end. It makes the whole story worth reading. I also like the originality. Although the main theme is not something new, you introduced it well by making us think Shelly was his wife, and not his daughter.
I think you've done it well, and it was a great read. :)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Thanks guys for the review :) I'll admit that I'm obviously not good with commas. I was never taught them properly. I should look into that...
I will definetly go back and fix the things you gave me, and try and fix it up some. I really got tired of writing this after less than half of it, but my boyfriend told me I needed to finish it because he liked the idea. Yes, the point was that you thought she was his wife/girlfriend/whatever. I guess I could put hints here and there...so I shall if I can.
MDR FTW X3

DANCER



What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines