Inside of a Star [Prologue]

8 posts
User avatar
synismysyn3
Gender
Points 0
Reviews 0
Deleted
Last edited by synismysyn3 on Sun Mar 13, 2011 2:14 am, edited 24 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4209
Reviews 389
Well, it was an interesting read, most definitely. :D I'll just jump in, mostly because I don't like mincing words. :)

I could feel Cloud's concern for me in my own mind, even though Cloud was driving to work. It was the weirdest thing on the planet- to feel my two best friend's emotions in my own mind. I honestly had no idea how it worked between the three of us, but at least they had no idea that I could feel their emotions.


This seems a little out of place with the rest of your piece. I suggest you add some more details, like, "Cloud knew I had been worried about mom...." or some such thing. :)

I didn't think there was anything wrong- in the end, I would come to realize that I was dead wrong.

This doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph. If you turned it into a thought, such as, "Mom is alright, she has to be," I thought, trying to convince myself...." etc. ;)

Their skin was a deep shade of brown- so dark that it looked black and they stood on their haunches, as if they were unable to stand up like normal humans. They had talon-like claws and glowing golden eyes that burned with no emotion except hatred and blood lust

Use description that reflects the MC's emotions. In the first sentence, she (?) seems almost like a nonchalant observer. I suggest you make their description more dynamic, i.e., "These ugly, deformed creatures were swarming around my mother, their claws flashing..." etc. :)

I blinked, my green eyes focused on my mother's pretty face, on her tanned skin and auburn hair that I had inherited from her.

It would be better to weave the description into the story. "Mom's fiery hair spilled over her shoulder. The demons had left deep cuts in her tan arms..." etc. The second part doesn't fit the situation, unless you have it really hit Kyrie of how they look so much alike. :)

The explosion in my body was similar to it, but not quite. This one was like my soul was being blown up and morphed into something completely different. It was as if there was this latent power inside of my soul that burst out; all I saw was a woman with one purple wing with her back turned to me.

Again, this sounds almost like an outsider looking in. Try and feel like Kyrie. What would she be feeling and thinking? What would she physically feel?

A Female Warrior came to my mind, somebody who guarded people against unimaginable forces.

I just wanted to say, I really like this. :D :D

My mother suddenly stood in front of me, a set of pure white wings flapped soundlessly from her back.

"I realized it was my mother" would be more appropriate, or "the violet wings faded to white, revealing my mother..." etc. It would help with the transition from her vision. ;)

"...mother- 5'6- and..."

At this point in time, unless you include it for humor, you don't need to have her mother's exact height. :)

"...I raced towards the last demon- my mother killed the other two, my mother had cuts and bite marks on her neck, wings, and face but was still going on strong. I wouldn't let her die- No..."

More dynamics! Kyrie doesn't care if her mother is an angel: she's going to kill that glutenous mass attacking her!! :D :D :D

The demon sure wasn't wasting much time. He began to choke the life out of me, but it was a slow process. I soon got dizzy and my fingertips and toes soon began numb. There was a dizzying fog in my brain and I had to force my eyes to remain open. My eyes slowly traveled to that scythe that was coming towards me: A deep longing suddenly ripped through my heart and soul to weild that scythe. That scythe belonged to me and nobody else; it was as if I was it's true owner.

This is good. Really good. :D I like how you give her that urge to live- to grab that scythe and WHAMO!!! :D :D :D

"Kyrie." My mother's voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked up. "I think it's time that we talked.

A paragraph after this would be nice. The whole, "yeah, I need a pretty good explanation for this." :D

Overall, I really liked it. I'm quite fond of the "good vs. evil" stories, especially when the good wins. :D I like how Kyrie has the power inside herself to destroy those demons, and how she helped her mother, or put forth a pretty good effort. :D Please keep writing on this. I'm really looking forward to the next part, if you'll write it. I hope I was helpful with my crit. :D If you need any more help, ideas, etc, feel free to PM me. :D Great story; I truly enjoyed it.

*Seraph*
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 540
Reviews 1
I loved how full of action it was. I hope you keep writing on it and make it into an official book. :)




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8890
Reviews 191
Spoiler
"Mom?" I called out, as I opened the front door to the house that I lived in for twenty three years until I had moved out to live with my best friend, Cloud. [Whoa there, Sparky! Hold your horses with all that infodumping!]

I could feel Cloud's concern for me in my own mind, even though he was on his way to work after he dropped me off at my mom's house. Cloud had been my best friend since we were born- our parents were best friends- but our relationship seemed much more intense, even when we were kids. I knew there was something wrong- maybe not with him, but with me. I could feel and sense Cloud's emotions in my own head, in my mind. I never told anybody, especially with how agrivating aggravating it was for me. I had decided to cradle this strange phenomena phenomenon on my own.

I heard a loud cackling sound in an otherwise silent house. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as I began walking up the stairs to my mother's room. I didn't think there was anything wrong- Mom is alright. She has to be. She told me to come over, then that means she's alright... Right? I asked myself, as my heart began to beat harder in my chest. I walked down the hallway toward my mother's bedroom; the cackling was louder, deep and filled with a hatred that seemed to burn my skin.

I burst through my mother's bedroom door to find her huddled against the wall in a corner, looking at these three hideously deformed creatures that surrounded her. When the door opened, my mother's eyes flickered up at me, filled with terror and concern. My mother still didn't look a day over fourty- which most people found bizzare bizarre, but we hadn't stayed in one place for very long during the span of my life.

The demons looked something that Satan might have conjured up- or like something from a movie. They didn't seem real, like they could exist in this world. [More description, please. Horns? Talons? Goat hooves?] Fear coiled in my stomach as I stared at the demons and I felt my mouth becoming dry. My stomach hurt from the sudden, intense fear that morphed into pure terror- for me, and my mother. I couldn't lose her- she raised me, clothed me, took care of me- even now, at twenty four years, she still took care of me. I couldn't imagine my life- my world, even, without her. [This whole demon scene just jumped out of nowhere]

"Kyrie!" My mother screamed, snapping me out of my reviere reverie. "Kyrie! Kyrie, go! Go! Leave! RUN, KYRIE!"

I blinked, only focusing on the intense terror make its way up my stomach and throat, as I stared at the demons. One of them opened their mouth to reveal sharp, canine-like teeth. Their large talons reminded me of an eagle's and their skin was such a deep brown that it looked black. Blood and Dirt spotted their skin- as well as the area around their large mouths- but their skin almost looked like sludge covered it. [why are we getting description now and not when she first saw them?] When they began to walk [Just walk? What a boring word. Not waddle? Shamble? Crawl?] towards me, I nearly lost my footing. My skin felt like it was tightening against my bones, as and my body was becoming numb. I could do nothing but watch as the demons advanced towards me, menacingly and slowly. [Much better than "walked" but could still use some work]

"KYRIE!" My mother's shrill screaming was now filled with concern and anger. [And not sheer terror?] "RUN!"

I blinked, my green [???????????????????????? what does the colour of her eyes have to do with ANYTHING at ALL in this scene? Why does she point out their colour now?] eyes focused on my mother's pretty face, [Maybe it's just me, but describing one's mother's face as "pretty" is just a bit weird] on her fiery red hair that just touched her shoulder's. Her tan skin- that was usually clean and clear- was riddled with cuts, bruises, dried blood, and fresh blood that leaked out of the cuts instantneously instantaneously. My eyes focused on the demons, as some intrinsic [I don't think this word means what you think it means] part inside of me focused on the urge to flight. It was almost too much for me to handle, but I refused to budge. I would not leave my mom with these... demons. [Why is there an ellipsis there? I think we've pretty much established that these guys are demons, I don't see any need for an ellipsis]

One demon suddenly launched himself at me [When you use the word "sudden" to describe a sudden action, that sentence loses a bit of its power] and I let out a loud shriek of trepidation [what a big word. Honestly, though, it doesn't help much. I can't imagine a shriek of trepidation very well. Could you describe it with more interesting terms?] and dread. My ears rang and I could feel my stomach drop out of me, [She might want to see a doctor about that] as the horror was reaching a breaking point. My heart was hammering away in my chest while I could do nothing but stand there and watch, like a "damsel in distress." [I'm pretty sure the protagonist's mother is the one in distress] I tried to swallow, but couldn't- it felt like there was a rock lodged down my throat. I was still breathing- that I knew, but other than that, I felt nothing besides the panic, terror, and fear that seemed to cause my lungs to constrict inside my chest.

I closed my eyes when I saw my life flash before my eyes. I didn't want to give up, but there was nothing I could do. The only thought inside my head was that I was sacrificing myself so that my mother could live. If my death, a mere distraction for the creatures, was enough for them to forget about my mother, then I hoped my mother took advantage of the situation and ran out of the house. [Wasn't her mother doing the same thing?]

When I had come to terms with my death and accepted it, I saw in my mind's eye a a woman who had gorgeous tanned skin, dark red hair, and one purple wing that came from her back that was flapping slightly. She held in her right hand a two sided midnight black scythe and she was standing there in a golden armor. A Female Warrior [...? Does the "female" part really need to be specified?] came to my mind, somebody who guarded people against unimaginable [Why "unimaginable"? Isn't it easier to just say "evil"?] forces. The woman slowly turned around and I was staring at myself.

"Cloud! Nero! I love you! I love you! I love you!!!" A voice suddenly screamed in the midst of my mother screaming and the demons screeching happily in a language that was foreign to my ears. [So much sound, but it's difficult to imagine any of it. If I were you, I'd use less actions, but describe the ones you do use with more detail] I opened my eyes and realized with a start that I had screamed that as loud as I could. My lungs felt like they were on fire and when I felt no pain, my green eyes [The green eyes again, for no apparent reason. Didn't you already mention she had green eyes?] flickered up at a set of deep purple angels wings flapping slowly in front of me.

At first, I thought my death had been quick and painless- a secret gratitude, but I realized that I was still breathing. I sucked in as much air as I could, focusing on my lungs that seemed to burn still. Life was so fleeting, so fragile. We existed as mere toys and when God asks you to join him into Paradise, you have no say, no choice in the matter. Was it my time? Why did God deny me passage into Paradise? Is there some reason why he wants me to stay on this Earth? I asked myself, trying to force my body to relax. No matter what I assumed or what I thought, I was so, so glad to be alive.

Familiar features soon matralized materialized in front of me- her height, her slightly overweight phisque physique, that fiery red hair that almost seemed to shine in its luster. With a shock, I realized it was my mother. I stood, pressed against the wall, as I watched her fight, but I mostly watched those wings that produced such a wind that it reminded me of a hurricane. I couldn't watch those demons tear my mother's skin with their talons- I couldn't pretend that I was helpless any longer. I had to sacrifice myself for my mother, even though I would miss Cloud and Nero, not to mention my parent's parents. [Again with the sacrifice? Why is she not running while the demons are distracted?] I said a silent prayer that it would be quick- that the demons would finish me off quickly- and raced towards the last demon- my mother had killed the other two. I kicked the demon in the back of the head, but he didn't even budge. He only turned to glare at me and raced towards me with a speed that certainly wasn't human. He slammed me against the wall and I felt his talons rip into my skin. I cried out in pain and glard glared at the demon with my green eyes [What is with this girl and her green eyes? Are they a mythic artifact or something?], watching as thick columns of drool dripped out of the sides of its open mouth.

"Kyrie!" My mother screamed, as she leaned against her queen sized bed that a dead demon laid upon. She tossed me that blood-covered scythe. "Catch!" [What a caring mother. Instead of ripping off the head of the demon who's elbow-deep in her daughter, she throws her a scythe. "Go save yourself and work off those layers, you fatso!"]

Those magnificent wings were gone, vanished into thin air. It was clear that my mother had reached her limit, technically speaking. [And the protagonist knows this... how? It's the first time she's seen this happen, I'm assuming, so how does she know such things?] She looked tired and exhausted, as well as in pain, but there was a horrible concern and fear in her eyes for me. [Apparently not, since the demon's claws are still doing awful things to the main character's flesh] I watched as that scythe somersaulted in the air as if in slow motion.

The demon sure wasn't wasting much time. He began to choke the life out of me, but it was a slow process. [A demon who "didn't budge" when the character kicked him should have no problem snapping her neck, much less choking her] I soon got dizzy and my fingertips and toes soon began numb. There was a dizzying [you use "dizzy" twice in a row] fog in my brain and I had to force my eyes to remain open. My eyes slowly traveled to that scythe that was coming towards me: A deep longing suddenly ripped through my heart and soul to weild wield that scythe. That scythe belonged to me and nobody else; it was as if I was it's its true owner.

Despite the demon about to kill me, I still needed to fight. My soul wouldn't have it any other way. I held out my hand and the scythe landed directly in my right open palm. I looked at the demon and swung my hand straight across the demon's neck. Blood splashed everywhere as the demon let out a loud croak of pain, dropping me to the ground.

That scythe had given me power. Suddenly, it was as if I had been learning how to train with a scythe for years, I made quick expert slashes all across the demon, making it stumble backwards until I held the scythe tightly in my hands... and swung as hard as I could. I watched as the demon's head popped off the body, and promptly fell to the ground. The head rolled away from the body and I looked down at the bloodbath in front of me without emotion.

"Kyrie." My mother's voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked up. "I think it's time that we talked."

Gasping for air as my ears rang loudly, I leaned against the dead ans I smelt the blood and the demons' odor. They smelled bad- like the smell of death and decay, which made me gag a little. My stomach wasn't happy with that smell, but I tried to get used to it. I kept telling myself that the smells over at the hospital where I worked as Registered Nurse was the same as this one, but my stomach wasn't agreeing with me.

When I was done being silently sick, I looked up at my mother and snapped, "You think?"

My mother looked down at the blood that stained the wooden floor that had lost its shine over the years of abuse. "Kyrie Katarina Sullivan, I promise that I will give you a reasonably good explanation for all of this, but we need to take care of this room and you look horrible. But I do think it's time that we talked about this, about your ancestors and where you came from and how you were concieved. I also believe that we should talk about your brother's- God rest their souls- but you absolutely cannot tell Cloud or Nero about this. Now, come with me and we'll get the mop and the bleach from the kitchen."



The spoiler above contains my full text critique. My comments are in [red brackets], and my corrections are in rad red.

Well then, this here is a very basic action flick. A lot of demons pop out of nowhere, attack two people for no reason whatsoever, an angel saves the day (also for no reason), and... you get the idea. And I'm glad you get it, because I really, really don't. Read on.

The biggest problem here is that you give so much information, yet so little of it matters at the time. The very first sentence is already so packed with information: the main character is at her mother's house, she has a best friend named Cloud with whom she lives, she's twenty-three years old... Now, why do we need to know this so early in the story? Cloud could have made an appearance somewhere, and we'd get information from that. "Cloud is my best friend", you say, while you could have had a scene where the main character interacts with cloud as if he was her best friend. Not only would you be implying that he's the MC's best friend, but you could also indirectly inject a whole bunch of information at the reader. They wouldn't even notice an infodump, but they'd already know so much more about the story.

Question: why did the MC's mom not dispatch the goblins while the MC wasn't looking? It seems like she was hiding some information about her angel-ness from the MC. Why did she choose to angelify herself after the goblins brushed their teeth and started snacking on the MC? Not a very motherly thing to do, especially since she knew the MC was coming to her house. Or was this just some stupid, stupid demonstration orchestrated by the MC's mom that could have (and very nearly did) gone horribly wrong?

It feels like you have a plot in there somewhere, it really does. However, your style itself needs a lot of work. There are places where you forego actual description with big words ("trepidation" and "intrinsic" come to mind), which is a big no-no unless you want to show that you just discovered the dictionary. Repeated words, misspellings, grammar issues, all of these problems can be overcome with several rounds of editing.

Another thing you need to learn to do, purely plot-wise, is pacing. Everything happens so suddenly, so fast. You noticed, I'm sure, that I sounded like a complete douche in my review. That's because I had no emotional connection with the character. When she was being shredded apart by the goblins, there was nothing at stake, making the scene silly rather than emotional. Yes, a person was about to die, the main character - but I didn't know her. I didn't know about her secret crush in high school. I didn't know about how she's struggling to pass Advanced Algebra II in university right now. I didn't know about her uncle dying of cancer. I didn't know that she would never profess her love, never become an astronaut, and never see her uncle recover if she dies. These are the things that give me reason to be stressed and afraid when the heroine's life is in danger, and make me feel immense relief when her mother grows wings.

My final advice: read more, write more, try to imitate your favourite authors at first. Good language and pacing and all those wonderful things don't appear out of vacuum, you have to practice in order to get better. Do you think I sound like a massive pr*ck in my review? Great, now go rip some of my works apart to get back at me.

Your servant,
cC
_




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8890
Reviews 191
Spoiler
"Mom?" I called out, as I opened the front door to the house that I onced once lived in.

I probably should have been working on my paper for one out of my four courses, Alterations of Holistic Intergrity Integrity of Children. It was in the nursing program so that I could become a Registered Nurse in about a year. It just my third year in college and I had gotten my associate's degree and transfered transferred to a four year college. The complications of becoming a nurse- not to mention how unbeliavbly unbelievably hard the classes were- completely stressed me out. After two years of community college, I would have thought the nursing program to be easy. It was ten times much harder than the liberal arts courses I had taken.

Instead of staying in the apartment, studying, I had decided to visit my mom. I probably should have been sleeping, since I was working with my mother at the hospital tonight. I worked nights with her, since I was a CNA in the pre-natal ward, so I usually made rounds with her. Over the years, since my two older brother's deaths, my parents' and I have gotten really close. Even though I missed my brothers, I was glad that me and my mother's relationship had gotten better. I don't think that my mother had ever gotten over my brothers' deaths.

"Caleb and Dexter are dead, Kyrie." My father said to me, his voice shaking. [This jump is a little bit sudden, I'm not 100% sure if it works yet, we'll see]

I stopped breathing as I stood in the doorway of my brother's old hospital room. I stumbled into the room and looked around- my mother was sitting in the corner, looking straight ahead, as she held her body tightly. I [three sentences in a row start with "I", I'd suggest you mix it up a bit to make your prose more exciting] stood there in the middle of the room, helpless, feeling utter alone. My father was sitting in a chair beside Caleb's old bed, but their bodies were gone. It was just me, my mother, and my father now [I'd end the sentence here. The tragedy of what happened is already fairly obvious, the rest of this sentence is redundant and as such decreases the "wham" power of this paragraph], trying to grasp the harsh realities of what had happened overnight.

"I told them to stop smoking- the lung cancer would have killed them." [So... they both died at the same time? Of lung cancer?] My mother whispered, her voice was dead quiet. "But they wouldn't listen. They didn't listen to their mother." [You've got some good dialogue here]

"Annabell, please." My father whispered softly. "Kyrie understands. She's almost thirteen years old. She knew that Caleb and Dexter smoked."

I think that my mother had a deep fear that I would die- just like my brother's- which was why she wanted to form such a deep bond with me. ["Deep" is used twice in a row, suggest revising for a different word] Even when I had moved out to live with Cloud, my mother still wanted to be in my life. I never thought moving out would be four times as hard as living with your parents; especially living with a guy. There was rent, groceries, bills- Shit, I forgot- rent's due this Friday, I thought to myself, running a hand through my hair. [Shouldn't be two sentences, I replaced the period with a comma]

I could feel Cloud's concern for me in my own mind, even though he was on his way to work after he dropped me off at my mom's house. I tried to ignore Cloud's concern for me, ["Cloud's concern for me" is repeated twice in a row] which was easy now. For years now, I had been able to sense and feel emotions of certain people- well, two people. It was so agrivating aggravating, but I had gotten used to it over the years. It wasn't an easy process, especially when I cared so deeply for the people that I could sense their emotions: Cloud and Nero.

"Kyrie!" A voice called out to me, as I looked up at Cloud as a bulb flashed in my face and I immediately blinked.

"Cloud!" I squealed, as I was rubbing suntan lotion on my legs and arms. "I said no pictures!" [I'm so lost... First we start at Kyrie arriving to her mom's house, then her brothers dying, then her interaction with her friend... I'll put up a suggestion of how to better go about this later on in my review]

Cloud put down the camera with a loud laugh, his blond hair [Blond hair, weird name -- is this bloke based on that Final Fantasy character?] was wet from the water of the ocean. His electric blue eyes sparkled with amusment amusement and love for me. The summer sun beat down on us from above- hence why I put on my sunblock- as sweat streamed down my slightly exposed chest. It was a few days before our junior year of high school ended, so Cloud and I had left seventh period to go to the beach. The beach was packed with kids my own age and older, not to mention adults and such.

"Give me that camera." I commanded, as I crossed my arms over my maroon bikkini bikini top. "I'm deleting that picture."

Cloud arched an eyebrow and a small smile formed on his gorgeous face. I watched as water trickled down Cloud's chest, reaching his six pack abs. I averted my eyes and focused them back to Cloud's eyes, before I lunged for the camera. He laughed as he tossed the camera lightly on our beach towels and seized my wrists. He gently took me to the floor and I felt the hot sand on my bare back. I let out a soft gasp as I felt Cloud's eyes on my face, and then felt his grasp on my wrists. I watched as pure male lust took over his eyes, and then they shone with warmth and love. [Hoo boy, such descriptions. This really doesn't feel like a "best friend". This feels more like "my boyfriend whom I call best friend"]

His eyes held mine as he suddenly began to lean down. My eyes widened before I felt his mouth bump against my ear slightly, "Kyrie, can I kiss you?" [I rest my case]

I let out a soft gasp and my eyes widened only slightly. I never thought that Cloud would want to kiss me; I never thought that Cloud would feel any certain way towards me. [Really? Didn't Kyrie see "love for me" in his eyes earlier?] "Yes."

Cloud slowly pulled away from my ear, only to lean in and gently kissed me on the lips. As my breathing became slow and even, I squirmed underneath Cloud's firm, lean body as I kissed him back, before he let go of my wrists. At sixteen, this was my first kiss- I never thought that Cloud would be the boy that I would kiss for the first time. When he pulled away, I stared at Cloud and whispered softly, "Cloud, Why did you do that?" [I think his love for Kyrie might be a potential reason why he did it. Just a guess, really]

Cloud smiled, before he rolled off of me and laid down beside me on his blue towel. He stared at the sky for a few seconds, as I stared at him. I laid on my side, propped up on my elbow, with a small smile. Even though I never dreamed that I would be kissing Cloud, I did like it. I liked it alot a lot, which kind of shocked me. Cloud reached over and touched my cheek slightly, his fingertips light.

"Because I care about you alot, Kyrie, and I wanted to see if I have feelings about you." [He needed to kiss her before he found out whether he has feelings for her or not? Are they determined purely by the taste of Kyrie's skin?] Cloud said softly, as he pulled away from my face and looked up at the sky.

I could feel a blush forming on my cheeks, and I smiled at that, but I stared up at the clear, blue skies. I couldn't tell him that I've had feelings for him, since pubery puberty. "I care about you alot a lot, Cloud."

A loud cackling sound in an otherwise silent house snapped me out of my memories. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as I began walking up walked up the stairs to my mother's room. I didn't think there was anything wrong- Mom is alright. She has to be. I surprised her with a quick visit before I went home. I hope that she's not sleeping, or something.i] I thought to myself, as m My heart began to beat [Suggest a more evocative word for "beat", such as "pound"] harder in my chest. I walked down the hallway toward my mother's bedroom; the cackling was louder, deep and filled with a hatred that seemed to burn my skin. [Try to avoid descriptions like that. In fact, I wouldn't mention that she's hearing cackling at all - just some unidentified noise. Instead of directly describing it, compare it to something menacing, like "the cries of unseen beasts at night", "the moan metal makes just before breaking", etc]

I burst through my mother's bedroom door to find her huddled against the wall in a corner, looking at these three hideously deformed creatures that surrounded her. When the door opened, my mother's eyes flickered up at me, filled with terror and concern. [Again, not the way I would write this. "When the door opened, my mother's eyes flickered up at me. There was terror in them, the mute terror of a rabbit hypnotized by the heavy gaze of a python." Remember, well-crafted metaphors are your friends] My mother still didn't look a day over fourty- which most people found bizarre, but we hadn't stayed in one place for very long during the span of my life. [This sentence feels extremely out of place for a scene that describes a shocking sight. "Her features, which normally looked not a day older than 40, were twisted and wrinkled in dread at the abomination towering above her." would fit a little better]

The demons looked something that Satan might have conjured up- or like something from a movie. They didn't seem real, like they could exist in this world. [Redundant, since you already compared them to something from a movie] One of them opened their its mouth to reveal sharp, canine-like teeth. Their large talons reminded me of an eagle's and their skin was such a deep brown that it looked black. Blood and Dirt dirt spotted their skin- as well as the area around their large mouths- but their skin almost looked like sludge covered it. Fear coiled in my stomach as I stared at the demons and I felt my mouth becoming dry. My stomach hurt from the sudden, intense fear that morphed into pure terror- for me, and my mother. [You've already described her stomach once, no need to do it again] I couldn't lose her- she raised me, clothed me, took care of me- even now, at twenty four years, she still took care of me. I couldn't imagine my life- my world, even, without her.

"Kyrie!" My mother screamed, snapping me out of my reverie. "Kyrie! Kyrie, go! Go! Leave! RUN, KYRIE!"

I blinked, only focusing on the intense terror make its way up my stomach and [again, no need to mention her stomach so often] throat, as I stared at the demons. When they began to stumble and waddled towards me, I nearly lost my footing. My skin felt like it was tightening against my bones, [I have difficulty imagining skin that's tightening around her bones] and my body was becoming numb. I could do nothing but watch as the demons advanced towards me, menacingly and slowly.

"KYRIE!" I could see the absolute terror in mother's eyes as, she screamed. "RUN!" [Let the atmosphere do the descriptive work for you. The less you tell the reader, the more they will imagine themselves, the more they will be immersed]

I blinked, my eyes focused on my mother's face, on her fiery red hair that just touched her shoulder's shoulders. Her tan skin- that was usually clean and clear- was riddled with cuts, bruises, dried blood, and fresh blood that leaked out of the cuts instantaneously. [I didn't catch this word last time. What did you mean by "instantaneously"? Maybe "continuously"?] My eyes focused on the demons, as some intrinsic part inside of me focused on the urge to flight flee. It was almost too much for me to handle, but I refused to budge. I would not leave my mom with these demons.

One demon launched himself at me and I let out a loud shriekof terror and fear [see the comment above about creating atmosphere]. My lungs burned for air as I stumbled backwards, now pressed against the wall. There was nothing else thatg that I could do, except scream for help, maybe hope that the neighbors could hear it and call the police. My ears rang and I could feel my heart pounding louder than it ever did, as the horror was reaching a breaking point. I could feel the sweat streaming down my back, but I could do nothing but stand there and watch. [Make this a bit more interesting. How did she stand there and watch? "...but I could do nothing but brace myself against the wall, wild-eyed and mute, and watch as the hellish nightmares cut the distance between them and my mother."] I tried to swallow, but couldn't- it felt like there was a rock lodged down my throat. I was still breathing- that I knew, but other than that, I felt nothing besides the panic, terror, and fear that seemed to cause my lungs to constrict inside my chest. [We'll leave the bit about panic, terror, and fear in here. It's the end of the paragraph, and it punctuates the rest of the paragraph rather than makes it over-the-top like the other descriptions did]

My mother suddenly made a mad dash for the door, going behind the demons so that they wouldn't notice her. [While the demons are advancing at her and she is basically in the center of their attention?] Ever second counted, and if my mother wanted to actually live, she would have to use every second to her advantage. When she slipped out of the room, I smiled, even though my teeth were chattering in fear. The only regret that I do have, I said to myself, as I watched the demon sail through the sky air towards me, is that I could never tell Cloud and Nero [Who the heck is Nero, anyway?] how I had felt towards me ["Me"? Did you mean "them"?] all of these years- and how I could feel their emotions in my head.

When I had come to terms with my death and accepted it, [I'm having a big problem with Kyrie accepting her death. This requires a bit of explanation. She grew up with her mother, who was her guardian, her protector, her feeder, everything. Obviously, after a childhood of considering her mom to be that, she'd have certain expectations of her - and her mom making a run for it while leaving Kyrie to be turned into meat ribbons by the demons is definitely not one of them. If I were Kyrie, I'd be mentally crushed by being abandoned by the one person who has always been there for me. You and I know, of course, that her mom will be back in demon-ass-kicking form soon enough, but the audience doesn't. By having Kyrie merely accepting her death, you're missing out a great opportunity for drama: Kyrie's desperation, AngelMom's valiant rescue, the subsequent tears of relief...] I saw in my mind's eye a a woman who had gorgeous tanned skin, dark red hair, and one purple wing that came from her back that was flapping slightly. [One purple wing? Is she Sephiroth? Come on...] She held in her right hand a two sided midnight black scythe, and she was standing there in a golden armor. A Warrior came to my mind, somebody who guarded people against unimaginable forces. The woman slowly turned around and I was staring at myself. [Herself? Isn't this her mom?]

At first, I thought my death had been quick and painless- a secret gratitude, but I realized that I was still breathing. I sucked in as much air as I could, focusing on my lungs that seemed to burn still. Life was so fleeting, so fragile. We existed as mere toys and when God asks you to join him into Paradise, you have no say, no choice in the matter. Was it my time? Why did God deny me passage into Paradise? Is there some reason why he wants me to stay on this Earth? I asked myself, trying to force my body to relax. No matter what I assumed or what I thought, I was so, so glad to be alive. [This entire last paragraph reads a little weird. If I were confronted by demons first and then an angel, philosophical tracts are honestly the last thing I'd be thinking about]

A blade suddenly pieced pierced the side of the demon's head and a loud scream of pain tore through the demons' demon's mouth. He dropped me and stumbled backwards, the blade dug deep into the demon's head and blood streamed to the floor steadily. My mother [Wasn't the warrior "myself" (that is, Kyrie) just a paragraph ago?] ripped the blade of the scythe out and she tossed the scythe towards the demon- the blade somersaulted in the air and the blade chopped off the demons' head cleanly. [From a toss? Very difficult to imagine... I think she'd have to forcefully swing it to chop something off, rather than just "toss" it] The demon fell to the floor once his head was detached and he promptly stopped moving.

She looked tired and exhausted, as well as in pain, but there was a horrible concern and fear in her eyes for me. [Atmosphere!] My mother suddenly grabbed my wrist and jerked me towards her as the scythe came back towards us, similar to a boomerang. My eyes slowly traveled to that scythe that was coming towards me: A deep longing suddenly ripped through my heart and soul to wield that scythe. That scythe belonged to me and nobody else; it was as if I was its true owner.

"Kyrie." My mother's voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked up. "I think it's time that we talked."

Gasping for air as my ears rang loudly, I leaned against the dead ans I smelt the blood and the demons' odor. They smelled bad- like the smell of death and decay, which made, making me gag a little. My stomach wasn't happy with that smell, but I tried to get used to it. I kept telling myself that the smells over at the hospital where I worked as Registered Nurse was were the same as this one, but my stomach wasn't agreeing with me.

When I was done being silently sick, I looked up at my mother and snapped, "You think?" [Ha! A genuinely good bit of dialogue AND character development. Good job]

My mother looked down at the blood that stained the wooden floor that had lost its shine over the years of abuse. "Kyrie Adalitas Sullivan, I promise that I will give you a reasonably good explanation for all of this, but we need to take care of this room and you look horrible. But I do think it's time that we talked about this, about your ancestors and where you came from and how you were concieved concieved. I also believe that we should talk about your brother's- God rest their souls- but you absolutely cannot tell Cloud or Nero about this. Now, come with me and we'll get the mop and the bleach from the kitchen."



Okay, much, much better. I'm glad that you edited your work and then contacted me to help you out - that's why there are more notes and corrections in this version. I honestly didn't think the first version of the story had potential, but your latest edits prove that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My first concern: spelling. You will make my job much easier if you run your story through a spell checker. The mistakes, while numerous, aren't particularly awful - but they still detract from the overall quality of the piece. That, and being a hardcore Grammar Nazi, I can't just leave them be, so I correct every one I find.

Second: the memories. I know I mentioned you should include something like them in there for character development, and I'm glad you did. However, the way you went about it is more than a little confusing. You start out with Kyrie opening the door to her old home, then she remembers one thing, then another, then a third, and by the time she actually goes inside the house, we forget she was there in the first place. Instead of dumping all three of them at us at once, have quick throw-backs to them. Like...

"Mom?" I called into the familiar darkness of my old home. Really? I come to visit her, and she's not even there to meet me?

No, it's great to see her and all, but she's got to understand that I have a life as well. Dr. McBabysitter is gonna have a cow if he doesn't get my paper on time, and I doubt he'll give me a second extension. Eh, I'll just do it when I get back. Hopefully that slacker Cloud, bless his sexy soul, doesn't throw my homework into the recycling bin while cleaning our apartment. Wait, Cloud - apartment - shit, the rent! Damn, well, I was here anyway, not like anything would change if I rushed back home now. Though thoughts of going back immediately melted in concern as I heard foreboding gnashing and wailing from the attic...


As for Cloud - If you must have Kyrie drool a bit over Cloud's impossibly sexy six-pack, either do it before she arrives home or after she's had her talk with dear mom. Anywhere else in what you have right now will break the flow.

Now, while those two memories can be formatted simply as throw-backs by virtue of not being that plot-related, obviously the hospital scene with her brothers is more important. There's another problem with how you mentioned the memory in the beginning and her mom bringing it up at the end. The place where you described the memory is too close to the place you used the memory to make it seem "as a matter of fact" and not like Kyrie was remembering it specifically because you wanted her to remember it; and it's too far for the reader to really appreciate the drama that occurred when it happened. My advice is this...

...I also believe that we should talk about your brother's- God rest their souls- but you absolutely cannot tell Cloud or Nero about this. Now, come with me and we'll get the mop and the bleach from the kitchen."

My brothers, I thought as we mopped the stinking black blood in silence. Of course, this would concern my brothers. From day one, I knew that lung cancer couldn't have killed them both at once, but the months of near-suicidal depression that followed were all the same.

--- --- ---

I'll never forget the day I came into their hospital rooms and found, instead of two idiots who would joke about their condition as if it was nothing, just empty beds. My mother was sitting in the corner, looking straight ahead, as she held her body tightly....

[description of the scene]

..."Annabell, please." My father whispered softly. "Kyrie understands. She's almost thirteen years old. She knew that Caleb and Dexter smoked."

--- --- ---

"Well," Mom said as the floor was finally more-or-less clean, "I'll start with the day I met your real father, a handsome demon named Beelzebudabel..."



You get the idea. Basically, take the memory and put it in its own separate little "alcove". That way it will neither break the flow, and it will give the readers something to feel when Mom touches the subject of brothers. In programming, we have a rule: "Declare [describe] your variables [set pieces] closest to the code [scene] where you will be using them." It applies beautifully to literature. If you spend a paragraph describing something important, only to forget about it and then suddenly remember it after 10 pages, chances are your readers will have forgotten about it, too, and will have (at best) no emotional connection that the paragraph was supposed to set or (at worst) no idea what you're talking about.

Concern #3: the characters. First of all, who the hell is Nero? If he's Kyrie's boyfriend, then he should definitely be getting a lot more mention. If he's a mysterious character that you will only describe later, he should still be getting more limelight to set the mystery and make the reader wonder. If he's a random dude, then he should not be mentioned at all. If your readers are like me, they will also spend more time thinking who this Nero is and what he has to do with the plot.

While I'm on the topic of character, what's with all these names? You go from normal everyday ones like Annabelle, Chad, and Dexter to fairly unusual ones like Kyrie to whatever-you-were-smoking-when-you-named-your-kid-I-want-ten-pounds-of-it ones like Nero and Cloud. We'll also find out that Kyrie's study buddy is named Aerith, her ex-boyfriend is named Dante, and her current crush is a janitor named Bob. It's up to you, of course, but I highly recommend you settle on a thematic name scheme. Either pick real world names or fairly unusual names. Only use all-out fantasy names if your piece is an all-out fantasy. Given that there's no mention of inns and kingdoms and mages and sorcerers yet, it's probably not an all-out fantasy. Given that action is taking place in the real world, it's definitely not an all-out fantasy.

Overall, a huge improvement. You've given your characters some depth, and it really shows. I think this chapter is just one major edit away before you can start smoothing out kinks and polishing it to a publishable state.

Your servant,
cC
Last edited by carbonCore on Fri Mar 04, 2011 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
_




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 13307
Reviews 350
I really don't have a review for this, but I do have a question: are you referring to Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy? Your description of 'blond hair' and 'electric blue eyes' is certainly correct.
Awesome work (again).
Jenth
-ж-Ж-ж-




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Hey there, here to review as requested! Just thought I'd mention -- I had a chemistry teacher named Zelda, so it was rather amusing to have an image of her going through this (she's older, with white hair).

Now, I'd like to point your attention to the little formatting area under the text box when you go to post a piece; there's an option that says "Story", and if you choose it, your piece will automatically be all spaced out and it will be much easier to read.

Okay, now for the story. I think you've got a good start; the only real "complaint" I have is that you don't differentiate between her flashbacks and what's really happening. Usually, flashbacks are indicated by italics or a space/row of symbols between paragraphs. And then, when you narrate the flashbacks, you usally speak in the past past tense; saying things like "she had done this," and "he had said that," to just really emphasize the fact that what you're saying happened in the past of the story you're telling in the past tense. I hope this makes sense; let me know if you need more clarification. I'd also suggest putting Zelda's direct thoughts into italics; makes it easier to know just what she's thinking.

I was a little lost when it came to her relationships with Genesis and Axel; sounds like she's got a thing for both of them, but Axel's the only one who's shown any interest in her. Why aren't they dating then?

And then the demons. I get the impression that they're slow and a little dull? Because I seriously doubt that three of them would be distracted from the mom to all come lumbering over to Zelda and then take sooo long before killing her that Zelda's mom has time to open a window (second floor, too!) and somehow get a scythe and come back and kill them. Also, you only mentioned the mom killing one demon; what happened to the other two? What were they doing in the meantime?

As for the grammatical aspect of your story, it needs quite a bit of cleaning up. Make sure you read aloud your story; that could help you catch different awkward-sounding phrases or wrong words that you need to fix up. One recurring issue I noticed is that you switch tenses. You go from past to present, sometimes in the same sentence, and it just loses the flow of the story and makes it frustrating for the reader.

Okay, so that's all I've got to say! Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1570
Reviews 76
It's long for a prologue, but who cares!? I really liked it and I loved the choice of names. That really stood out, and the names can explain a lot about the characters, so well done for that. I enjoyed it and can't wait for more to come. :wink:
Nobody is more obsessed with Jedward than I am...
- bugbug368



The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte