Cult

Bow at the flooded white alter, made of bones and sand, and worn away by dust.
As the ancient scripts wither so does your ruined soul,
and the dark beauty that carries it so sadly.
Why is it that when you are left in the dark,
you will seek out the light?
Do you need the terrible pain,
that came on the dawn of the sunset?

I suppose you do,
as part of your warped laws.
The crumbling book hidden in the twisted tree,
with black flames guarding the entity that holds me to my chains.
The one thing that can save me is unheard of,
and punishable by death.

Not the death,
by a bullet through the head,
but one by lieing and cunning,
the kind that rips you apart from the inside,
until you are nothing but an empty shell.
Until your hollow eyes see nothing,
but the war paint,
and the masks that the killers wore.

Painstakingly beautiful,
but that is my curse,
not looking away,
from your empty blue eyes.
Mesmerizing and dead,
that is all you'll ever be.
God save you from yourself,
you will be the end to life as we know it,
if you take the solemn vows in the stone tree.


-thestorygirl

Wow. That is a very powerful poem. I can't pick out a single line I liked especially because I liked them all. This poem is brilliant. Thank you for writing it so that we could read it.
Keep it up.

Marrzi

--> great horror-like poem, :3

--> The words are too deep but I don't care about that so much... c: haha!

--> Sorry if I got no corrections, etc. just loved it.

Ow.

The third stanza. Painfully awesome.

One thing--why do you switch back and forth between first person and second person? Are you both in the cult?

Painfully awesome. So awful and yet so fascinating. It's like a slice of incredible description cut out of the heart of a story.

Mrs.E.D.

Hi there, Story! Here I am, as requested! I apologize for the delay.

I thought this was nicely thought out, and I can tell that it means a lot to you. You've got a knack for story-telling here, ad really seemed to know what you were writing about. I just had a few quick comments that basically lie in the way this is composed and told.

You've got a lot going on, and there isn't really much of a steady pace, so it becomes kind of clunky and rough because it's hard to understand what's going on. Although there are a good number of poems that do tell coherent stories, they usually have to be a bit simpler since poems are shorter and there isn't as much that you can tell in a shorter space of time. You try to fit too much in as it is; think about the main ideas and really get into detail.

That comes to my next point -- there's barely any description or imagery here, which makes it somewhat hard to follow and understand. A lot of poetry depends on you really painting a picture of either a setting, a character, or an emotion. You seem to have a clear view of the setting in your mind; so share it with us.

That's all I really have for now; I hope this review could be of some help to you! Drop me a note if you have any further questions. Good luck!

~ Elinor

You intense choice of words really hits the reader hard.
This piece is absolutely beautiful. You definitely hit a source of inspiration when you wrote it.
There wasn't anything I didn't really like about it. Wonderful job!