Paolo

You know when I last saw
you sitting alone – how large
and rugged you looked
against that too-white tree –
I was lost in the notion
of being beside you and not being
with you, or without you
but knowing that your eyes
are closed, because when
you exist in a space I do as well,
unconsciously in love with the way
your fingerprints leave no marks
on the red earth.

Well where to start... this was, urm *struggles to think of the right word* odd I guess :L I really liked the poem but I suppose it wasn't meant to fit with the title? Either that or the two do infact make sense and I'm being a bit silly, believe me it happens!
I really liked the poem though, it thoroughly confused me but left such beautiful imagery in my head -especially the last line. Kepp writing!

Hi Penguin Attack!

You have a very interesting poem here. I'm guessing the title has something to do with the guy's name or even just the way he seems to blend in with nature. It's a really nice poem, but I do wish it was a bit longer.

On the other hand, it really works as a shorter poem. It gives that idea of kind of this fleeting moment. Whether you made it an epic or kept it short, it definitely needs a bit of expansion and a bit more detail. If it is going to be so short, it needs something that will really make it stand out.

All in all, it had a nice flow and an interesting subject matter.

I hope that was somewhat helpful.

Write on,
Lette

Pengette, I am here. *reviews*

So, this was definitely an interesting poem. I'm not quite sure how to review it properly, but I'll give it my best shot. xD

It was fun to read, and you had some pretty awesome imagery, and it wasn't really what I was expecting from the title. xD (Of course, I shouldn't judge by titles, should I?) I sort of have it figured that you're talking to a moose...? Anyways.

So, I'm not quite sure if I have anything negative to say about this at all, really. Which is bad, because usually that's what I spend a few paragraphs talking about in my reviews... So, I do believe that I might actually cut this off to be extremely short.

I'll have to give you a few lines of praise before I leave, though.

I've always secretly stalked your poetry, and I've loved all of it. xD It's you and a few others I always shy away from reviewing for, because they're too good and my reviews need negative, which I usually have trouble finding in yours. I read them, but I'm far from daring enough to actually go type up a review for them. So, I apologize for the lame review, but I really, really did like this. xD

~~Ishbishmish

The title is interesting. I didn't notice it when I first read the poem, so I immediately thought of this as a longing to reunite with someone. Rereading it, I can see where the moose fits in. It's interesting.

I'm not exactly sure what else to say about it. There aren't really any spelling or punctuation concerns. The content is pretty straightforward (looking at a moose against a birch tree and somehow transcending species or something). The only really thing is that, while as a whole it's pretty interesting, it's a little bland. Granted, descriptive poems about nature tend to be pretty bland, more about the image rather than emotional content, so I shouldn't exactly be concerned about it.

Overall, it's a wonderful, brief, straightforward piece, and I enjoyed reading it.

kf

Hey Penguin,
Your poem is really interesting. I like the flow that you present in this poem, and the length is perfect.
Perhaps I am not reading into this poem correctly, but are you actually talking about a moose? Other than this, I have no other criticizms or quesions. If this was cleared up, I would understand this poem much better. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or write on my wall.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex

PenguinAttack wrote:You know when I last saw Hmm. I'm thinking this could be a bit better, so that it flows better with the next line.
you sitting alone – how large
and rugged you looked
against that too-white tree – "Too-white..." I understand this is meaning to show over-purity, dystopia, perhaps, but I think there may be a better way to get this across in a more original way. Personally experience has shown me that poetry has a great many too-white trees.
I was lost in the notion
of being beside you and not being These last two lines lack a sense of flow. I think my main problem is with the line break.
with you, or without you All this does is remind me of the Beatles song. And I can't stand that song.
but knowing that your eyes
are closed, because when This sentence seems to go on and on, with the "but" followed by the "because." Hardly matters in poetry, but you might want to consider revising that.
you exist in a space I do as well, "Exist in a space?" What?
unconsciously in love with the way Meh. Not a fan of the use of "unconsciously."
your fingerprints leave no marks
on the red earth.

Awesome. I really liked this. Keep it up.

-Kafka

Hullo there Penguu <3

I seem to recall telling you once already I like this one. If I have not, then let me reiterate: I like this one. It's got that nice mix of real-but-not, halfway between real (the "large / and rugged", "the red earth" which are solid, tangible) and the imagined/dreamed (the "too-white tree", the lack of fingerprints), and the blurring/juxtaposition between those two.

The only little nitpick I'd have is that the part from "I was lost" to "I do as well" reads a little confused--fitting, in a way, but it might pull people away and break the flow as they try to figure out what exactly is going on. Not sure exactly how to fix it though--maybe by making the separation between the statements a little clearer, at least, so that the two parts to it don't jumble one another?

Aside from that. I am in love with those last two lines.

Just so you know.

<3

Still trying to figure out if this has a deeper lying message, or if you just really like moose. It was...interesting..to read. It's not falling-of-a-bike funny, it's picture-falling-off-wall funny. I think. I think you need to put more thought and emotion into it, or, if you were trying to make it something different, make that more obvious. And more imagery. Very interesting...

sorry, if I wasn't good at understanding poems... how come that the title of this one is Ode to Moose?? Just wonderin'

love,
CS

Hy!
I really like this poem, even though it is a wee bit abstract.
The flow of it and word choice is really good. With those, you've created the scenery , scenery that I could see and feel myself. Even though the theme choice is a little bit odd.. I liked it.
Thumbs up.

Hey Pengi! Review time ^^ *grins*

This poem's such a nice and oddly abstract one. Me like. A lot. XD It's cute, short and sweet. And that's a good thing. It's awesome, the flow and rythym are wonderful and the imagery is amazing. I love it, truly I do. ^^ And as for nitpicking, sadly, none. But that doesn't stop me from loving it! lol

Overal, Pengi, you have a lovely little poem here and I simply adore it! *clicks like* Thank you for a the beautiful and lovely poetry, Pengi! I love it. A lot. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

Okay. Perhaps a change of title is needed. It appears that I have distracted people with my awesome.
Okay. Now, onto the actual review.

I found this pretty interesting-- the flow is a bit crazy, as I'm sure you're aware, because there are no definite breaks. It's one lonnnng sentence. Which, I support. I'm quite abusive myself when it comes to line length. However, I would suggest breaking this a little bit more--not so much with periods, but punctuation wise, especially towards the second half. It's extremely easy to get lost in your words during that section.

You know when I last saw
you sitting alone

This is extraordinarily nitpicky, but I'm wondering if you meant there to be a comma after "You know". If so, it sounds more like a question, but if you didn't, then it's a statement that the other person DOES know, and it makes the feel/message of the poem seem almost redundant. I know, superduper nit-picky, but there you have it.

– how large
and rugged you looked
against that too-white tree –

You have a really nice vocabulary throughout the piece, and I love how simple and pure your wording is, but the "rugged" here feels a bit off to me-- it seems like it almost describes too much, blends in a bit too easily. Another word here might be better, or if you feel like changing the phrasing, a metaphor perhaps.

I was lost in the notion
of being beside you and not being
with you, or without you
but knowing that your eyes
are closed,

I got a little bit lost here. The first two and a half lines made sense to me, but I couldn't quite tell what you meant with the "without" part, whether you meant that they didn't exist or something. That didn't appear to be the case though, because of what followed it. Sorry... just confused. :/

because when
you exist in a space I do as well,
unconsciously in love with the way
your fingerprints leave no marks
on the red earth.

This was, to put it simply, quite lovely.
Please don't change a thing in this section.

Overall, nice piece-- really like your descriptions and simple emotions. The flow was a bit off in the second half, and it got a bit muddled towards the middle, but excellent piece otherwise. Sorry for the "meh"-standard review.