Mal

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A/N: I know that this is short and contains some references that you won't get, as it's part of a bigger project. These are just two little clips that give a glance at one of my main characters. My main point of request is regarding characterization--in these two tiny clips, do you get a taste of who she is? Her personality is supposed to be dominant over the narrator's, so that should be quite obvious. Let me know.



the field

Mal and I lie back against the bushels of black Halloween hay and just stare at the trees overhead. There's nothing there, really, but the old decay, the dying limbs of a tree. Mal, her hand touches mine and my nerves twitch back from her skin, but I relax and she smiles very softly. Quietly, she turns her head towards me and says that this moment is destiny, that nothing matters beyond now or behind now. She blinks and I get a glimpse of her eyes, no color visible in the darkness. Those thin lips spread into a grin and she looks back to the trees.
I say that this is a good destiny, and she lets out a tiny bit of air in a tiny bit of laugh and says how this moment, with our hands touching and trees dying, it is the past, present, and future. A conglomeration of memories and dreams.
It's then that I know that Mal is drunk enough to kiss because she hates pseudophilosophical bullshit more than I do. I turn my head towards her and she looks back at me.
"Danny." Her breath is the smoke coming out of Rad's cigarette, the smoldering logs in the back of my dad's truck. She breathes out and tightens her fingers between mine. They're cold and warm at the same time, like melting ice cream. She shudders closer to me and hums something softly. Those old moths fill my throat, but I stay still, just watching her.
You begin to think that these moments are enough to survive, that these conglomerations of memories and dreams beneath dying trees are fair enough to keep you sustained, but they're not. It's the skin touching skin beneath the starlit dreams, the hazy breath and the smell of 80-proof on someone's breath.
Mal looks like a witch's cat beneath the October sky. The kind that would bring me bad luck if she were to move across me, so I keep her still against me and we just breathe out the strain together.
Mal, she touches her chin to mine, aligning our noses just a tiny bit off-center so we'll fit together. Right here, we can be as close as possible without kisisng, without passing our breath. And Mal locks her gaze into my eyes and just watches for just long enough, and she says, "I want to die here right now."
I say nothing, I think nothing about it, and just remain lulled in her breath. It's a sleeping gas, a welcome toxin to the lungs.
"I want to die before our moments can fall apart." Her lips brush against mine. "Before I have a reason to die."
Mal looks like the curtains drawn in Rad's hospital room while the lights were out and the monitor cried with us in beat. She feels like the bedsheets covering my father's face last December, the bandages covering his body. And she smells like the peppermints on my therapist's desk.
I don't think you'd know Mal if you saw her, really, because you've not been given all the pieces.


___________________________________
the church

Mal slides her hand across the tiny shards of glass and licks at her bottom lip, pulling her fingers away sluggishly as tiny slits of red appear beneath her knuckles. She says that it’s just a reminder that she’s alive, that she’s breathing and well. She doesn’t look at me or Rad or anything but the shards of stained glass on the pew, but says that in distant lands, people have every last drop of blood drained from their veins for sacrifice. She says that it’s an honor, that they are sanctified in their pain.
I look up into the broken face of St. Peter and smile a bit, imagining myself lying back on an altar with my skin perforated, my arms burning like a million fire ants in my veins.
Rad sits on the floor and begins to piece together the puzzle of shards on the floor. That’s when Mal looks up at me and smiles and asks if I’ve ever tasted communion wine.
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.




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Luuuuumi! Stella here!

As this is a characterisation exercise, forgive me if I abandon my usual review structure.

Mal, her hand touches mine and my nerves twitch back from her skin, but I relax and she smiles very softly.


Just a nitpick, why the "Mal" at the beginning here?

That’s when Mal looks up at me and smiles and asks if I’ve ever tasted communion wine.


Can I be really picky, generally the wine's under lock and key... >.>

Alright, do I get a glimpse of her? Reckless, difficult, troubled, many layered, reasonably free-spirited.- she reminds me of Alaska from Looking for Alaska, actually. Which is good, I suppose, because in two scenes I'm beginning to get a feel for her, and I like her. My only worry is to just make sure you don't make her just another tragic figure that some boy falls in love with, don't fall into the whole "can't be tamed" cliché because, well, because it's a cliché. But right now she seems interesting and seems to be impacting the story in a very definite way and that's good.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Is this a reference to Inception, Lumikins? xD
Ideas don't stay in heads very long because they don't like solitary confinement.




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Hey Lumi!

So, I've seen only your poetry and I like these snippets from you. So, characters.
Mal (I know I'm pronouncing it terribly wrong in my head, but it's because I call a friend Maaal) comes off as a reckless, strong (not physically) and sort troubled. And the style gives me to believe that she has so many levels to her.
As to the dominant nature, I'm not sure it really comes across, atleast in this portion you show here It sort of seems like the narrator is really fond of her, not necessarily romantically.

She is interesting, and I want to know more about her and her relation with the others. Also; I like the voice used.

~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Ahoy:3 Your friendly neighborhood bunny here to provide a lame review! Rock on.
So, first impressions:
I want to read this story. Already, I'm growing fond of your characters, and I'm interested to see what sort of trials they'll be facing. I enjoy your writing style a lot, and especially in the first snipit, I find you have an easy flow in your storytelling. Your narrator's thoughts are intriguing, and despite how you are trying to make Mal's personality more dominant, I find Danny very interesting. Also, I'm very curious as to whom this Rad person is, but I figured this exercise focused more on the other two, so I'll muffle my curiosity for the time being. :3 I can't quite figure out what their world is like yet, and I enjoy that ambiguity. Mal is such a strange, almost foreign name while Danny and Rad feel like throwbacks to the fifties. That contrast just in your characters' names is very nice, then when coupled with the mystery of the church scene, broken glass, Mal's somewhat self destructive musings, I get a feeling for this tale that seems both current and futuristic. Apocalyptic perhaps? Granted, I'm probably totally off, but nevertheless, just these scenes already got my imagination running.
Now to be picky. Hurr hurr.
I say that this is a good destiny, and she lets out a tiny bit of air in a tiny bit of laugh and says how this moment, with our hands touching and trees dying, it is the past, present, and future. A conglomeration of memories and dreams.

Now, I really enjoyed this part and the playful yet dark dialogue between the two. My complaint is actually in a later part:
You begin to think that these moments are enough to survive, that these conglomerations of memories and dreams beneath dying trees are fair enough to keep you sustained, but they're not.

As much as I liked the switch into the apostrophe, addressing the reader, I thought that the repetition of "conglomeration" felt a little weak. Alone, the word is so strong that I feel it should've been used just the one time in the previous quote. I see that you're trying to incorporate that fragment a second time into this new complete thought, but I think just by changing that one word to a synonym, this part will be stronger.
It's then that I know that Mal is drunk enough to kiss because she hates pseudophilosophical bullshit more than I do.

Great characterization. :]
"I want to die before our moments can fall apart." Her lips brush against mine. "Before I have a reason to die."

Okay, yeah, I totally want to know more about these characters. I loved this line so much, and alone it gave me such a great image of Mal. Very nice.
In the second section, for how short it was, I still saw a lot of great detail. The part where Mal talks about bleeding and sacrifices gives some insight into her morbid mind as well as nodding to the world they live in with the mention of sacrifices in distant lands. That was another great part that got my mind movin'.
I look up into the broken face of St. Peter and smile a bit, imagining myself lying back on an altar with my skin perforated, my arms burning like a million fire ants in my veins.

Gah. So nice. Loved this imagery, and Danny is still so intriguing. :3
Okay, so I had a relatively unbalanced compliment to complaint ratio, but please take that well! I don't shy away from letting others know what bothers me about their work, and with this excercise, honestly, my only major complaint is that it isn't longer. ;)
Please let me know if you have questions, and send a shout out my way when you have more written for this!
Much loves,
Bunny
"I can have oodles of charm when I want to." --Kurt Vonnegut Jr.




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Well, as you said, there are some referances I didn't get, which made it harder for me to judge Mal, but to be honest, I was much more interested in the narrator. Sorry.

Yes, her personality does come through strongly, but I don' really get a sense of who she is. More like I have a vague sense of here, but don't know much. I think part of that problem may be the narrator's opinios, rather than the actual, or maybe I'm really tired and being awfully stupid. I don't know.

I like the descriptions ou included, A LOT. Particularly these:
Lumi wrote:Mal looks like a witch's cat beneath the October sky. The kind that would bring me bad luck if she were to move across me, so I keep her still against me and we just breathe out the strain together.

Lumi wrote:I look up into the broken face of St. Peter and smile a bit, imagining myself lying back on an altar with my skin perforated, my arms burning like a million fire ants in my veins.

Lumi wrote:"Danny." Her breath is the smoke coming out of Rad's cigarette, the smoldering logs in the back of my dad's truck. She breathes out and tightens her fingers between mine. They're cold and warm at the same time, like melting ice cream. She shudders closer to me and hums something softly. Those old moths fill my throat, but I stay still, just watching her.


Well, hard luck on the characteriisation issue (or mayb that's just me?), but I really enjoyed this writing. Well done!
I've learned so much from people who never existed - Unknown




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Well, this was pretty interesting. I have two nitpicks, though. I know I don't know how the rest of it reads, but, yeah. You use a lot of summary dialogue. There is very little, if any, true dialogue. Summary dialogue is harder to follow and, well, rather boring. If you continue to use this for a whole novel, the work needed to sift through it may make some people put the book down. I suggest using some real dialogue--active dialogue. Dialogue that involves quotes, that is up-to-date and currently happening.

Also, you are a bit winded in description. I love the description, but it seems like an info dump. Maybe add more action or stretch it out a bit, over at least a few paragraphs.

All in all, I quite like your writing style and I am interested in what is going on, but I doubt I'd read a whole novel full of this. Also, don't make the girl too pitiful. (Pitiful people annoy people. I'd know. I'm pitiful, supposedly, and I annoy people. Ha ha.) Add some humor. Might help. Like, instead, have them bump noses first. Just something to loosen things up.

Yeah. I'm finished now. *salutes* Carry on.
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