Lost 'Til You're Found (1)

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Remei watched as he sat slumped in his high-backed arm chair, more at ease with the entire situation than she knew she would ever be. Master – that's all she had ever been allowed to call him – had found a new job for her, murder. She shifted uncomfortably at the mere thought of it. Simple people, people no better than she knew Master to be, those were the people she was more at ease with killing. Criminals, every last one of them. The sheriff was not a criminal, at least she had never found reason to believe so, Master on the other hand obviously had.
'It's assassination...' He had told her, already picking up on her qualms even before she could dare voice them. 'People make an entire business out of it, it's certainly nothing new.' For her though it offered no justification. Her only reason in preforming the task was that she did not know better. Not to say she did not know it were wrong, Remei certainly knew that, but she did not know of anything better to do. Disobeying Master was a bad idea, she had learned that early on. The man had raised her, protected her, and he would never let her forget it. 'I could have just left you there, you know?' The mini tyraid was all to familiar. 'It's not everyone that would take in some orphan left on his door step...'
Suddenly, a clicking sound caused her to jump. The little silver time piece had been removed from Master's coat pocket and was now held in his hand. After studying it for a moment, he lazily glanced up at the one set in the mantle.
“Two.” He said simply, looking at her expectantly. With a single nod, Remei got to her feet, wisping her dark cloak over her shoulders as she did. The sound from the high up window pane had already alerted her to the weather's conditions. Maybe the rain would make it easier, disguising her scent from any dogs that could be sent after her. Then again, it could just as well make it harder, slippery ledges and less people out for her to blend into. Master would not care either way, just so long as the job got done.
The crisp air felt good after being in the warmth of Master's lair, stinging at her nerves and reddening her cheeks. With a grunt she adjusted the belt around her middle, the two sets of knives making it awkward to wear. Usually she would have worn just one, the lighter pair, but this time she was not at all sure just how she would have to thrown them or at who besides the sheriff. As she had anticipated, the streets were much less crowded than they would have been without the rain. The few that did brave it were in a hurry, must ducking into the various eateries scattered about the city. In a pinch maybe that would work as an escape route, but she pushed the thoughts away. Things would go flawlessly, they just had to. If she were caught, she would most certainly be dead on the spot. If she managed to get away but still failed, there was no telling what Master's reaction would be. Failing had never been an option she dared tempt herself with.
The courtyard gates were open, just as they usually were, but now seeming all the more ominous. The poor men stuck on guarding it did not seem at all happy, hardly even glancing at her as she flashed the forged papers in their direction. With the accepting nod she hurried under the arching tunnel, into the puddle of a courtyard and right up the main staircase. Inside the great doors of the castle, she shed her cloak and hid it away in the nearest corner, pulling the simple and rough smock of a servant from it's concealed pocket. It hid her arsenal of knives well enough, the slits that gave way to the pockets beneath also giving her perfect access to either set. As she began to walk she self consciously smoothed the skirt down once again, more to keep her hands busy than anything else.
The halls were practically empty, except for the scattered servant or nondescript members of the castle, and they gave her no more attention than a brief glance. None of it did anything for her nerves. It seemed to take forever to find her way to the staircase, though she had carefully mapped both the escape route and entrance with Master, and she was most confident he knew exactly what he were doing. Up the stairs, down the hall past three doors, down the next hall way. From there she would find the sheriff's office and finish the job.
Pulling another set of forged paperwork from her bodice, she timidly knocked at the heavy wooden door. She could hear a brief shuffling before her answer sounded. “Come in.” Someone growled, Remei could only assume it were the sheriff. After slipping in through the door, her suspicions were confirmed. There was no one else in the room, which she could at least be thankful for. Just the sheriff, hunched over his desk almost as though he had not even noticed her. It seemed to take every ounce of self control to keep her pace at a normal deliberate walk, stopping smoothly beside the desk. As she slid the papers onto the desk, her other hand snaked itself into her right pocket, the heavier and longer set of knives.
At that moment Remei was sure she could not hate anyone at all more than herself. The man she was about to murder did not seem like the type that should die the way he would. His face was to kind, framed by graying dark hair, intelligent green eyes glancing up at her. Before either of them knew what was happening, the sheriff's face froze in sudden pain and shock, last breath of air escaping his lips as he slumped over the desk. Remei sucked in a shaky breath, pulling the knife out of his chest and wiping the bloodied blade on the hem of her borrowed smock. With the knife replaced to her side, Remei shed the borrowed clothes and began the business of escape.
It was mere seconds before the bells began to toll that she found herself back onto the streets. Blending back into the streets was perfectly easy, all she had to do was act as though she had somewhere to be and had no time to waste, with an assured stride and nothing to hide. It were true in a sense, she did have somewhere to be, back to Master. At least he would be happy, even if she were not. Murder never sat well with anyone but he, she was sure of it.
“I'm sorry...” She whispered from under her hood, though to who she was not sure. Anyone at all who would accept the apology would do just fine for her, but of course no one was really listening. It was only the third murder she had ever committed, and she certainly hoped the body count would not raise. The first has been a man Master owed money to, but had demanded it before he could manage. The second one Remei was not even sure what the reason behind it was, she was just following Master's instructions. She ducked down the next alley way, deciding it better to skirt around the town's edge than blatantly walking through the main street and back to Master's lair.
If ever your world starts crashing down, that's where you'll find me
Something gripped at her shoulder, much stronger than just the casual bumping into someone. It was deliberate, a grip with a purpose and she was certain she already knew what. With a short gasp she whirled around, taking a precautionary step backwards as she did. The man was grinning, rough exterior making it look all the more menacing. That, and the rapier in his hand.
“Well, well, well.” He clucked. “Looks like I found you.”
Remei's mind reeled, not at all prepared for anything like this. The knives were all she had on her, and she was absolutely useless in any sort of fist fight at least not enough to win. Out of instinct her hand dropped to her side, pulling out one of her knives and she sent it hurtling towards the man and then turned to run. The sound of running feet behind her signaled that the knife had failed to hit it's mark. “You stop now and it might be easier on you!”
A small yelp escaped Remei's open mouth, spurring her to run all the faster. There was no where to hide, it would be easy enough to see that she'd ducked down a side alley. There was not much time to think on that though, she was tripped, falling to the wet cobblestone. As she did though, she twisted around, falling on her side rather than her face. Either way it was not ideal, but this way she could still see what was going on.
Another knife was loosed from her side, this time hitting him in the center of his gut. In the man's shock, his sword was dropped, clattering to the ground beside Remei. Even still an angrily snarl came from between his now bared teeth. Remei scrambled to her feet, backing up until she collided with a stone wall. If she could pale anymore, Remei was sure she had. He was still coming at her, the sword ignored as his fist went hurtling towards her. She swayed just in time, but that was where Remei's luck ended. Her hair was pulled sharply, jerking her off balance as a fist collided with her stomach. The pain from then on was not as distinct, just blow after blow, being shoved around like a rag-doll until her head collided with the wall.


Author's Note:: Hope it wasn't too long, was having trouble deciding where to cut it off. For a short story this thing got pretty big... Anyway, knock the stuffing out of it.




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Hello Hello :)
I liked this, the idea of a female assassin, and also the adoptive evil relationship with her father who makes her do things because she doesn't know any better. very nice. Vulnerable, but still bad ass and twisted! awesome.

Just a few things..

"Remei watched as he sat slumped in his high-backed arm chair, more at ease with the entire situation than she knew she would ever be." Im not sure if Remei is a common name but I've never heard it before, which leaves the gender question open, this whole sentence is hard to determine if you dont know if Remei is male or female. Also, your first line is really important if you want to keep someone hooked, play with this a little.

"The mini tyraid was all to familiar" nice.

"Maybe the rain would make it easier, disguising her scent from any dogs that could be sent after her." scent, sent. Its confusing but it works :)

"Inside the great doors of the castle," why is the sheriff in a castle? I liked the castle because its more of a fortress that she has to conquer, but sheriff kind of instills a western sort of country vibe.

"though she had carefully mapped both the escape route and entrance with Master" I thought he wasn't really interested in how she did it?

"With the knife replaced to her side, Remei shed the borrowed clothes and began the business of escape." is she naked now? :)

I liked the ending. I wasnt really sure who he was, but her getting taken out at the end sort of regains her fragility, because she is, after all, still a woman. But I'm still kindve bummed she gets taken out :)

Sorry if this is a little sketchy, my brain is super tired :) I really liked it, Well done!
"Dad, I'm hungry."
Hello hungry!
"Dad! I'm serious."
I thought you were hungry?
"Are you kidding me?"
No. I'm dad.




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Hey there!

So, grammar looks okay. Watch out for spelling though. "Tirade," is an example. Other than that, looks good. :D

Couple questions:

1. Why is the sheriff in a castle?
Depending on the time period, the sheriff would be in a different place, but generally not in a castle. I suppose it's possible, but not very realistic.

2. How controlling is Master?
The reviewer above me thought he wasn't very involved; I thought he was. Maybe you can make that clearer?

Other than that, this is really good. Remei is pretty likable. I liked it a lot! :D

Sporks
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Woah, I can't believe this doesn't have more reviews. It's a brilliant idea -female assassin- but it has been done to death, but it's nice to see your own spin on your MC, and on the story.


For a great story like this I don't think you presented the opening as best as it should have been. Human beings are shallow things and if they don't get their attention grabbed by a story they tend to drop it. I think you could have spruced your beginning a bit more to make it go the extra mile. I like the way you introduced the MC's main problem in the first few paragraphs because I hate having to go through half the story to find out what the problem is.

I also think you should have included a bit more character interaction between the character and someone other than the Master, in order to find out what people think of your MC...and how she goes about her day-to-day life.

And that's about it.

I liked this. I'd like to see more of this.

Hope this helped,

Anger :D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov




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First off I love the concept and idea of the story,really cool! Just a few things.

"Simple people, people no better than she knew Master to be, those were the people she was more at ease with killing. Criminals, every last one of them." I find this sentence to be a little confusing. How are people who are no better than Master simple? I think this sentence gives off the wrong idea of what kind of people your MC is okay with killing.

Also, why was the Sheriff inside a castle? I was more thinking that the sheriff would be in a building maybe out side of the castle. Or in a different setting. Because when I hear or see the word Sheriff I think more of an old western type of setting rather than a castle.

Last, I don't really understand the guy who is chasing your MC. Does he know what your MC did? Or is he someone from their past that has came back at the wrong time? But I think it's really good! Keep writing!
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
Benjamin Franklin



Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning