Tesseract - Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3:

…I growled and stepped inside. ‘Great.’…

A few mice ran away when I closed the door behind me. I shook my head when I looked around. This sure was a beautiful house. Once. Before it had fallen to this. I heard noise upstairs, and stepped on the stairs - beautiful big stairs - then walking over the pretty balcony. I was amazed. This house now belonged to me! ..Well.. Us. I sighed when I saw a person standing in the room, a block note and a pen in his hands. I walked towards him. “What are you doing?” I asked curiously when I saw Jason making notes. “Making notes.” I growled. Oh, I wish I could strangle him to dead, and then burn him, and then.. He interrupted my thoughts. “Have you been downstairs? I mean.. In the basement..?” I shook my head. “Should I have?” He shrugged. “If you want to..” Okay, I officially hated him now. I would punch him if he had another of those smart answers.. “What are you staring at, stupid!?” I quickly turned around, and stormed out of the room. I would see that basement!

I stomped off the stairs, further down, ‘till I finally reached the basement. My eyes shot open, and goose bumps started to appear on my arms. “W-wow…” In the basement stood all kind of.. Things I did not want to meet personally. I guess this was used as a torture chamber. Don’t ask me how I know. Ask the skeletons in the chains, and on the filthy tables. I turned around quickly, and bumped into Jason, who stood right behind me. He grinned when he saw my pale face. “Interesting, don’t you think?” I looked at him, frowning. “Are you mentally disturbed or something? Something like this..” I pointed at the torture devices, “..Cannot be called ‘interesting’..!” He shrugged. “We have to get this out of the basement if we want to sell the house.” I was shocked. “What!? Sell this beautiful house!?” “Yes. Of course! You didn’t want to share it with me, did you?” “No! But it’s so pretty..!” He rolled his pretty eyes. (I hate to admit it, but yes, he is very handsome.) I grabbed the door with both my arms, embracing it. Ignoring the spider webs, and spiders who now crawled over my arms. “I don’t wanna sell this house! It’s mine!” I pouted. Now it was his turn to look disturbed. “You are so childish!” I shrugged. “Whatever you say. I would even share this house with you if it meant keeping it.” “Well, that’s okay. You can sell it from me.” “But the house is not yours!” “You’ll have to pay half of the house, idiot!” “No way! I’m not gonna sell the house!” “You’re gonna sell it to yourself! That’s not selling! Its keeping!” I stuck out my tongue. “I wouldn’t even sell it to myself.” He growled. “Fine. Have it your way.” He walked upstairs, muttering curses under his breath. I grinned. Hah! I outsmarted him! Then I remembered I was still in the torture chamber with spiders crawling all over me, and I quickly ran upstairs, shaking the spiders out of my hair.

Nice, again i like your characters but i do have a few issues. In the first paragraph your used beautiful twice close together maybe use another word. Also i have noticed at you used ... a lot this is not necessarily a problem but you do use it a lot. Also i have difficulty telling who is talking.

Also the torture chamber is a bit random. It's like ' Oh look a torture chamber.' You need to spend more time talking about it, describing it because the reactions of the narrator don't read well, they seem unrealistic.

Anyway good work!

Hey,
this was so good (: I read the ones before and
Im very curious on what happened in this house (:

Hi Aliepalie,

Your work is keeping a good pace and I like how the story develops. Here are some tips for you.
Instead of using the word 'looked' all the time use 'gaze or glance or strare any synonym for a change and to better describe the emotion of the moment.

'I shook my head when I looked around'. I shook my head and stared around in disbelief.

'I hate to admit it, but yes, he is very handsome.' Keep the past tense in story telling as you are doing before and after this sentence. He was very handsome.

But on the other side don't overdo it :0) It’s mine!” I pouted. I know lips can be pouted, but I'm not sure if someone can pout words.

Warm regards, Raoden

One little more remark.

…I growled and stepped inside. ‘Great.’ -> ...I growled and stepped inside the house

Yet again you have accomplished a wonderful chapter. I really like your characters and their personalities. There's a few grammar mistakes but other then that it was truley amazing.

Hello! I really liked this chapter. although, it was a little confusing when they started fighting. i wouldn't recommend a he said/ she said thing though, so I don't know how to make it less confusing. Overall, I like it and keep up the good work.

-Titan

Okay, chapter three, here I come.

The argument about the basement seemed kind of silly. I mean, they just walked in the door. How could she have been down to see the basement yet? Seems like they should have been exploring a bit more before that conversation. And why does his taking notes annoy her? Her dislike of him seems to get more and more unfounded and ridiculous with each chapter.

And in the basement... Erm, sooooo, they're okay with this torture chamber being here? No "help! police! murder!" or anything. Just gonna waltz right in and claim ownership over all the dead bodies, eh?

Yeah, that kind of threw me out of the story, that your narrator was more concerned with establishing her ownership of the house than with, like, calling the proper authorities/passing out/freaking out/etc. I mean, they just sort of stop and talk about selling it. No real acknowledgement of how creepy it is that Jason thinks the torture chamber is "interesting". Just... It's there. It confused me, the reader, who is wondering why the heck there is a torture chamber in this house, to have the characters not really acknowledge it at all.

Uh, so, onto chapter four?

~GryphonFledgling