Flower Petal

Spoiler

By no means am I still feeling this way, I'm actually quite happy; I just now consider this poem a dark/sad piece of art!

These pictures in my head are endless,
Thoughts that run around, so restless;

'Cause lately, all I see is you,
And right now,
That’s all I can do.

Like a flower petal brought helplessly against the wind,
I watched you fly away;
Me being the cause of this wind,
Regret I now convey.

And the future never looked so dark,
As I endure the nights without you;
Only to be taunted by the ghosts
Of our memories,
Their whispers I cannot undo.

2009 Vincent Cuccolo

Hi, Sarebear here for a review

Well, I'm a pretty tough reviewer so don't take everything I say to heart (no pun intended). First of all, I feel like this reads a bit more like a song than a poem. It seems like you wanted it to rhyme, but had trouble doing it. For example, the beginning:

These pictures in my head are endless,
Thoughts that run around, so restless;

'Cause lately, all I see is you,
And right now,
That’s all I can do.

I mean, endless and restless don't really rhyme. If you're just trying to give the poem a "rhyming feel" then that's fine, but if you really are trying to rhyme, you might keep considering it. Now coming back to it seeming like a song, "'Cause lately, all I see is you" is not something someone would normally write in a poem. The 'cause, to me anyway, seems a bit song-like. And the "And right now, that's all I can do" is also something one might find in song lyrics, but sounds a bit melodramatic in a poem.

Like a flower petal brought helplessly against the wind,
I watched you fly away;
Me being the cause of this wind,
Regret I now convey.

I really, really like the metaphor of a flower petal and you being the wind! However, the second two lines just come off as awkward--I would reconsider them. The third line is improper grammar and sounds weird, and the fourth one reminds me of Shakespeare poetry.

And the future never looked so dark,
As I endure the nights without you;
Only to be taunted by the ghosts
Of our memories,
Their whispers I cannot undo.

This last stanza, while cliche, is excellent, by far my favorite part of the poem. It is nicely written and conveys enough power to make the point without being melodramatic. The only part I would consider is the last line, which isn't quite as eloquent as the others. However, I really like the message, so I would just reword it.


So as you can see, I'm not one for rhyming. If that's something you really want to do, ignore me. However, I've found that my poems come out better if I don't worry about trying to rhyme it. So do what you want. Overall, nice job, especially for someone who's not actually going through any of this! I liked the power behind your words (especially, as I said, the last stanza!) Keep writing!

Sarebear

Hello, sarebear! Thanks for your feedback, I really do appreciate it!

By all means, you're not being a hard critic at all! As I stated, this is a much older poem of mine, from a time when I was rather "rhyme obsessed", haha! So, I can perfectly understand this poem being perceived as a song instead of a poem!

Although, I don't rhyme as much as I used to! If I do though, it's only "here and there!"

Thanks again for the feedback!

Hey Glow,

sare already touched on the rhyme, so I won't linger on it, just repeat that don't let a rhyme force you into an awkward phrase :P No rhyme is better than no flow, and in sentences like "Me being the cause of this wind, / Regret I now convey."? Definitely no flow. No one talks like that, and it just pulls me out.

I'd also like to point out that the second stanza both feels kinda unnecessary and makes little sense. I can get what you meant, if I squint, but it's just terribly awkward. Fix it? And the last stanza, while okay, sounds a tad cliché to me. Try making it stand out a little more--a dark future, "ghosts of memories"... We've seen them all before. Mixing up some imagery can add a lot of flavor to a poem, and help us remember it as something that was really worth it.

Hope that helps.

Jag

Hey PoeticGlow,
I agree with Jagged and Sarebear that the rhyming was a little awkward. I think that when you write a poem that you want to rhyme in, you should think of creative things that relate so that you have an easier time writing. Do you know what I mean? Like maybe, you can make some pop culture references or something like that. Otherwise, I have no other real criticizm. Keep up the good work!
-Alex

Hey, Amie here to review. & for the sake of diving right in...

What a lovely piece of poetry!

I agree with one of the wonderful reviewers before me, in that in part this reads like a song. In particular this stanza

'Cause lately, all I see is you,
And right now,
That’s all I can do.

The only problem I have with this is the following stanza...

Like a flower petal brought helplessly against the wind,
I watched you fly away;
Me being the cause of this wind,
Regret I now convey.

just doesn't flow right for me. The rest seems to have a nice flow to it but then this stanza stops me abruptly from the rhythm I had going and pick up on again after this stanza. Also, I don't like the 'me being the cause of this wind' instead maybe have that he is the wind, which feels more powerful. 'Regret I now convey' seems to formal for this piece.

Aside from those little nit-picks I really did enjoy this!

Thank you for the honest feedback, everyone! I'll be sure to be more cautious with my rhyming choices/rhyming in general, even though this particular piece is rather old!

Hello poetic glow I'm here to review this for you. I think this poem was a great piece. The title was nice. I especially liked this part:

Like a flower petal brought helplessly against the wind,
I watched you fly away;

It was beautiful imagery. I enjoyed the concept of this a lot. I hope you continue to write more things like this. Good work.

Your words are most appreciated, SmylinG! Touching, truly! Thanks so much!