Insignificant Untruths

Spoiler

Once again guys, I was angry when writing this so it probably isn't that good. Let me know what you think!

Like a knife,
They cut through the truth.

Everything that once was,
Everything we used to know,
Has been nullified by one irrelevant untruth.

We used to find comfort
and protection.
Confidence
and escape
in each individual pleasure.

The texture of a new book,
the flickering of a candle,
the smell of a department store cologne
or the sound of sneakers
hitting the pavement.

These blissful blankets of security
are now void due to
seemingly insignificant untruths.

One sentence has just ruined
everything you worked so long
to find pleasure in.
Each everlasting embrace,
a kiss,
a moment when you lock eyes
with someone and
you learn to appreciate
life at last.

But all has been undone.
All of this, invalidated
by a single fabrication of the truth.

No more canI hurt.
How much more pain
until I reach my mental capacity?

One last kiss.
One last embrace.
One last moment,
I will never receive,
to say goodbye to a friendship
now abolished by a simple and meaningless
Rumor.
These insignificant untruths,
now significant.

Hello fruityfortissimo

So your poem is pretty good, but I'm going to help you make it even better, so here goes:

1) Right off the bat, your first stanza sounds out of place. Aside from the genericness of the analogy you're making though, the stanza itself is still pretty good and I think it would be more effective if you placed it right after

These blissful blankets
of security,
are now void
due to seemingly insignificant
Untruths.

instead

2) Just another awkward positioning of stanzas (remember, you might know the story behind the poem inside and out but your reader still needs the element of chronology to help them along),

We used to find comfort,
and protection. Confidence,
and escape
in each individual pleasure.

should probably be placed after

The texture of a new book,
or the flickering of a candle.
The smell of a department store cologne
or the sound of sneakers
hitting the pavement.
Or a feeling of attraction,
that no one has yet acted on.

instead of before it.

3) There's a few unnecessary commas too: after 'one sentence' in stanza 6, after 'all of this' in stanza 7, and after 'one last moment' in stanza 9.

4) Then there's me being really nit-picky and it might just be me, but I think you should eliminate 'but' in the phrase 'But all has been undone' (gah, so much but D:), and you should add 'can I take' to the end of the phrase 'How much more pain'.

Well, that's about it from me, keep up the good poetry

Canni

Hi! I liked this a lot. Sometimes you write best when your angry. Since the last reviewer covered your chronological order I'm going to cover something else that bothered me. They way you arrange your words into your stanza's. They change they way your reader reads and interprets your piece. They can change the tone of the piece or interrupt the flow. So enough talk. Here are my suggestions:

We used to find comfort,
and protection. Confidence,
and escape
in each individual pleasure.

Doesn't this seem choppy to you? I'd try:

We used to find comfort, protection.
Confidence,
and escape
in each individual pleasure.

A little better, no? I don't see any other paraphrase I could do without intrudding on your own personnal words but these things can easily be fixed with a read over. Sometimes even poems need re-vising and reading over! Thanks for listening!

~Crafty~

I agree with the last reviewer that this stanza's formatting is a bit weird:

fruityfortissimo wrote:We used to find comfort,
and protection. Confidence,
and escape
in each individual pleasure.

What about this instead?

fruityfortissimo wrote:We used to find comfort and protection.
Confidence and escape
in each individual pleasure.

I just thinks that it looks better that way.

fruityfortissimo wrote:One sentence, (no comma?) has just ruined
everything you worked so long
to find pleasure in.
Each everlasting embrace,
Each kiss,
Each moment in time (get rid of the 'in time'?) when you lock eyes
with someone and
you (get rid of 'you' as well maybe?) learn to appreciate
life, at last.

Sorry, I just think that it looks better that way.
But in the end, it's still your poem, you decide. I'm just suggesting things.

Aside from the things I mentioned above, I liked this poem, it's really good.

Hey there! I really like this poem. The emotion you put in it was raw and I felt it. I only saw a couple of things I thought
I could point out.
In the second stanza you kind of repeat truth (because you wrote truth in the first stanza.) It made it sound repetitive so maybe a different word would change that.
I agree with what the others were saying about the third stanza.
In the fourth stanza, I think you could take out the "or's". When I was reading it they made the poem sound a little choppy. Taking them out might help with the timing.
I absolutely love the last sentence in the last stanza but again maybe you.can replace untruths with a different word.
I'm sorry about my nitpicking- please forgive me. I really love this poem. I'm not very good at crits so you don't have to listen to me- I'd understand. Great work though! This is awesome!
-Hope
(P.S- I'm sorry about not quoting. I'm new to this and I am typing this on my I-Pod so copying and pasting to difficult for me. )

Hello. This is a really interesting piece of poetry. I love the wording and the imagery of the poem.

You used a lot of commas, but other than that.. Not bad
Not bad at all. (:

Continue your poetry so the whole world can see how good you are!