Fire and Ice

"She is too powerful too exist in this world any longer."
his icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.
"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"
He turned and in the midst of his fury, shattered the morror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps.

Hi Tinkembell! Is your prolouge a prolouge for a novel? If it is, then the idea seems good! Though I'm not too sure what the story is about, I think it's a great idea.

Red is for words that are spelled wrong, or has a grammar error. The words in red I changed to the correct form.

tinkembell wrote:

"She is too powerful to exist in this world any longer."
His icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.
"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"
He turned and in the midst of his fury, shattered the mirror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps.

"The frost in his footsteps". I don't exactly get this. You could say, "He shook them off harshly and left, leaving a trail of frosty footsteps."

If you don't want to reword that sentence, you can put a period in between "left" and "the", or a semi-colon. Otherwise, the sentence will become a run-on.

I'm not too sure how to spell the words "condensated", did you mean condensation? Or condensate?

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I hope my review will help!

"She is too powerful too(to) exist in this world any longer."
(H)is icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.
"I am NOT threatened by her!" he retorted, " (W)hy would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"
He turned(,) and in the midst of his fury, shattered the m(i)rror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps. (Not exactly sure what this last part is exactly. I can almost picture it, but not quite.)
Really interesting...I'm dying to know more!
Also, I noticed your signature, when did Damon say that? I've seen the t.v. show and read all the books but one, so it might be in the last book. Ahh, Damon...

Nice, I like the prologue and the idea.
I hope you don't scatter my high hopes when I read the story, because I'm really looking forwarth to it!
Well done! Keep up the good work!

Oh, wow, this is short! Yo, Stella here on a Review-day-rampage!

his icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.

icy breath that froze and then it's condensation? Decide on your water state!

shattered the morror into a dozen glittering shards,

mirror.

Alright, so this is superly short! It doesn't seem much of a prologue... if this is your villain, introduce him in all his slimy, seductive glory. I was watching Sebastian Faulks tonight talk about how, in novels, the villain is the author's accomplice- they're the ones who make the story happen, the ones who do all the scheming! How can you resist? So why not try fleshing him out more than his power-insecurities? It'll be fun!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

tinkembell wrote:

Prologue

"She is too powerful too exist in this world any longer."
hHis icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.
"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"
He turned and, in the midst of his fury, shattered the morrormirrorinto a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps.

WOW, this is really really short! I can't review it easily, because there really isn't anything to review.

It's really confusing and open-ended. There isn't really a cliffhanger that wants to make me keep reading. I give it three stars. Come back to me once the first chapter is up, okay? ^^

~MNC

Hey Tinkembell!
Is this your entire prolouge? I agree with Skins that there's nothing particular about this that makes me want to read on, however I like the concept by having a prolouge this short. However, I think you should make this more powerful and less specific, if you know what i mean. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or post something on my wall.
-Alex

Hi tinkembell, I'm here to write a quick review on this. I have to say, the title itself interested me a lot. Mostly because I am a fan of Robert Frost. But I was a little confused on what this was supposed to be. There was hardly enough in your writing to give me a clue. But what you had written down was simple and not quite a bore to read. (If that qualifies as a compliment.) Which I think it should. Sometimes simple things are really great to read, but I just wonder why I don't understand this so much. What does the title "Fire and Ice" have to do with anything here? Just thinking out loud. I was going to make some editing critiques but I think the other reviews have that covered.

Very interesting. Here are a few mistakes:(Red=should be deleted, green=needs change)

"She is too powerful too exist in this world any longer."

(Should be capitolized.) his icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated(this should be a different word. Maybe condensation, but for that you would need to take away the word 'water'. There are lots of thing you could replace it with, though. But you might want to change it because 'condensated' doesn't make sense in this sentence.) water.

"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"

He turned and in the midst of his fury, shattered the mo(Replace with an 'i'.)rror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps(This should be reworded.).

Overall, a great prologue. Just one more thing: you posted this as a short story. I don't know if you did this just to see what people think and plan on deleting it when you start the rest. If that wasn't your intention, then you will probably be confused when you can't add on to this later. You need to post it as a novel if you plan to continue.

Good job. I hope this helped!

it was very detailed and it was also very heavy on the dramatic atmosphere which I love and I myself am trying to work on.

Here is me being picky. Sorry...

Spoiler

"She is too powerful to exist in this world any longer."

His icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.

"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "Why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"

He turned and in the midst of his fury, shattered the morror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps.

That's all I could find. I'm sure there's more just I haven't spotted them. It's good overall, so keep up the good work.

Happy review day, thingy!
Wow, this is short, but it works- you've introduced a villain who seems really bad-ass, and the writing is powerful. Writing a powerful prologue like this in a few sentences is a skill, man.
That said, I think it could use some more description. I really wanted to know what this bad-ass villain looked like, apart from just scaly skin. And who's talking to him- he/she/it isn't mentioned at all apart from the first line of dialogue. Is it a messenger? A servant? A robot?
Also, I agree with a lot of reviews that say "I didn't know what "the frost in his footsteps" meant"- you may need to add "stuff" in to make things more clearer.
Overall, this is a pretty damn good start- you clearly have the skills of an amazing writer, just make it a little longer!
~Lightning

I can see what you're doing here, and I like the idea. Although, even though it is a prologue and I know they are supposed to be short, I in particular think you need more descriptions and imagery.


"She is too powerful too(to) exist in this world any longer."

h(H)is icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. (Maybe you could describle the image some more? If he's an evil creature it might help because usually ornate is to describe something beautiful, maybe you could make the mirror fit more into the fact that this man is so powerful and from the underworld, maybe "the beautifully grotesque mirror", oxymoron, something like that might sound better.) A message appeared in the condensated water.

"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?" I think it might be a bit too soon to mention so suddenly that he's the most powerful in the Underworld, I don't know, maybe you could just say, "I, more powerful and knowing")

He turned and in the midst of his fury, shattered the morror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps. (I think here it would be better if we got more of a description of what he looks like, I can't really think of what, but I think it'd make it more effective.)

I do like what you've done, and maybe if it had more description it'd convince me to go on to read more, but usually when I read something, the prologue is what draws me in. It's hard to draw somebody in from so few sentences, although I can see the potential.
I hope I don't seem to harsh, and hope I helped. (:

Hello and Happy Review Day!

Hmmm...I can see the effect you were trying to achieve from this prologue, although it is a bit short. Oh well, here we go!

"She is too to powerful too to exist in this world any longer."

-Other than the corrections above, this line sounds pretty interesting, although I can practically taste its cliche flavor. Maybe rewrite it so it could help spark both interest and suspicion?

His icy breath froze in the ornate mirror. A message appeared in the condensated water.

-This sentence is both confusing and awkward. First there's froze and then there's...condensed water? I'm confused about the setting of this prologue. I know you want to give off mystery here, but it's not going to be helpful if your readers do not know the setting.

"I am NOT, threatened by her!" he retorted, "why would I, the most powerful of all the Underworld, be intimidated by a mere human girl?"

Again, a cliche and predictable line. At least, to me it is. Give the readers a dip into his personality a bit. Otherwise, he sounds like every other generic, cartoon villain.

He turned and in the midst of his fury, shattered the morror into a dozen glittering shards, covering his scaly body. He shook them off harshly and left, the frost in his footsteps.

Ick. Scaly.
Okay, some rewording is in need here. 'The frost in his footsteps', what?

What I can say is: your piece needs a lot of cleaning up to do. And that's all I have for now. ^^

i liked it.i think it a good opening for somthing biger.