Ellie And The Magical Book

Ellie, Ellie” called Mrs Smith
“What mum” replied Ellie carelessly
“Come down stairs now, I’ve had enough of you mooching around up there”
“Ok coming,” sighed Ellie as her nearly 11 year old fingers put her beloved old bookmark in the page and hesitantly parted from her book she had just found in her attic, pulling herself off her bean bag and trudging slowly out of her room she flicked a piece of brown hair out of her crestfallen face. Ellie’s cute pair of ancient checked slippers padded down the creaky stairs and she decided to break a house rule, she jumped down the last 5 steps and landed with a loud yet satisfying THUMP!
“Ellie” shouted Samantha (Ellie’s mum)
“Sorry mum” sighed Ellie “I’m coming now.”
Hastily making her way into the lounge, her incredibly annoying brother, Mum and Dad all were slouched on the soft squeegee sofa.

After what seemed like forever of long boring conversation’s Ellie was finally set free and she jumped up and ran up the stairs 2 at a time. Her red-framed glasses were wriggling around precariously, so she stopped 11 steps up to push them back onto the embarrassingly long nose, which stuck off Ellie’s face. In what seemed like a second Ellie was back up stairs and in her room.
“Read me, read me” Ellie felt like the book was calling to her, like the characters in the book needed her for something. Listening to her conscience she picked up the fat battered old novel threw herself onto the bed and started to read.

Ellie felt like the more of the book she read, the more she felt like she was in the book. After an hour of intense reading, Ellie’s peace was broken by her Dad.
“Ellie this isn’t funny any more” called Ellie’s Dad sounding worried.
“What’s not funny, what are you talking about” replied Ellie quite confused.
“Where are you?” said her dad sounding relived
“Here in my room” said Ellie
Quick as a dash her dad was in her room and giving her a strangling hug.
“Honestly Ellie that was really not funny, I thought I had lost you” said her dad
“Well I was only in my room reading; really Dad you didn’t check in my room” questioned Ellie
“Of course I did but I swear you weren’t there”
“Of course I was, anyway what’s important is that you’ve found me now”
“Hmm ohh yes of course sorry”
Ellie sat on her bed feeling bemused. “What was that all about” She thought, all of a sudden a spooky voice whispered “I know but you’ll have to keep reading me to find out”
With a confused look over to her book that lay innocently on her bed she crept over to her bedroom door, which was closed, and she declared “GOTCHA” at the top of her voice and flung open the door. But to her amazement her brother, who she thought was behind the door making the noises, was not there. Ellie’s growing more confused face scrunched up as Ellie checked behind the door to see if her highly annoying little brother, Alex, had managed to slink himself into a small enough shape to fit behind it, but no he was still not there. An even more puzzled Ellie hesitantly stepped back into her room. Shaking her head from side to side to try and clear the last confusing minuets of her life out of her mind.
Ellie sat back down on her extremely lumpy bed “where did that voice come from?” she muttered vaguely. Ellie sighed as she answered herself “I was probably just imaging it.” striding over to her window and looking out over the garden, which was illuminated with sun light, something caught her eye; her brother was out side playing a game of football with 5 of his friend “well it definitely wasn’t him” Ellie said matter-of-factly. Walking slowly out of her room she strolled down the stairs and went to see her Mum in the kitchen; however her Mum was making tea and didn’t even notice she was there. Trudging back up stairs and into her room Ellie flopped on the bed feeling unwanted and alone, “bored, bored, bored” she groaned then out of the corner of her eye she saw her book, absentmindedly Ellie reached for it and opened the page. , the character in her book who was also so the Queen’s son, seemed like he needed her. He needed something from her but what, was it something good or bad or would it harm her. Whatever it was Ellie was determined to find out. Even though Ellie knew that it was only a book she couldn’t help feeling so engrossed in the story, as if she was there in the story.
“ELLIE” shouted her mum “Tea’s ready” blinking a couple of times Ellie felt like she had just woken up from a deep sleep. “Coming Mum” she replied. Standing up wearily Ellie walked down stairs as slow as possible and joining the rest of her family and Alex’s friends she enjoyed her favourite meal of jacket potato and cheese
After what seemed like an eternity Ellie was released from the table ran up the stairs as fast as her spinderly legs could take her. As soon as she was in her room Ellie rushed over to her pillow and reached behind it to find her pyjamas, putting them on she grabbed her book and slouched on her bean –bag opened her book and tucked in to a chocolate bar (which she kept a stash of hidden under her bed).Oscar, the alien creature in her Book, needed to find a key that would open a chest. That certain chest holds a sacred emotion called happiness. Darkness, an evil enemy of splodges city, had locked it away. Being the hero of his kingdom Splodge felt it necessary that he should find the key and unlock happiness. Suddenly, a blinding light hit Ellie’s face and she was knocked off her being bag and she watched her book fly in some what slow motion onto her floor. Suddenly she realised that she should be hitting the floor as well but she felt like she was still falling. A sudden fear overtook her body and confusion immediately changed to fear. Ellie looked down to see that she was falling into a black mass of nothingness ………

Just First Chapter i want to see what people think and if i should carry on with it

This reminds me of a couple different stories. First of all, Alice and Wonderland. It also reminds me of that one movie about that girl that has those powers and goes to live with that teacher (sorry, I don't know the name of it). And in a way it also reminds me of the Chronicles of Narnia. I think it's a cute story but I'm not sure about original.

I've never given someone a full body review but I think I will with yours.

The things in red are grammar errors
And the things in blue are my comments

Spoiler

"Ellie, Ellie,” called Mrs Smith.
“What mum,” replied Ellie carelessly.
“Come down stairs now, I’ve had enough of you mooching around up there.”
“Ok, coming,” sighed Ellie as her nearly 11 year old fingers put her beloved old bookmark in the page and hesitantly parted from her book she had just found in her attic, pulling herself off her bean bag and trudging slowly out of her room she flicked a piece of brown hair out of her crestfallen face. Good sentence and use of detailEllie’s cute pair of ancient checked slippers padded down the creaky stairs and she decided to break a house rule, she jumped down the last 5 steps and landed with a loud yet satisfying THUMP!
“Ellie” shouted Samantha (Ellie’s mum).There was no need for the parenthesis, the reader could have figured that out later on in the story
“Sorry mum,” sighed Ellie, “I’m coming now.”
Hastily making her way into the lounge, her incredibly annoying brother,and Mum and Dad all were slouched on the soft squeegee sofa.

After what seemed like forever of long boring conversation’s Ellie was finally set free and she jumped up and ran up the stairs 2 at a time. Sounds like a little kid:)Her red-framed glasses were wriggling around precariously, so she stopped 11 steps up to push them back onto the embarrassingly long nose, which stuck off Ellie’s face. In what seemed like a second Ellie was back up stairs and in her room.
“Read me, read me,” Ellie felt like the book was calling to her, like the characters in the book needed her for something. Listening to her conscience she picked up the fat battered old novel threw herself onto the bed and started to read.

Ellie felt like the more of the book she read, the more she felt like she was in the book. A bit more detail thereAfter an hour of intense reading, Ellie’s peace was broken by her Dad.
“Ellie this isn’t funny any more,” called Ellie’s Dad sounding worried.
“What’s not funny, what are you talking about?” replied Ellie quite confused.
“Where are you?” said her dad sounding relived.
“Here in my room,” said Ellie.
Quick as a dash her dad was in her room and giving her a strangling hug.
“Honestly Ellie that was really not funny, I thought I had lost you,” said her dad.
“Well I was only in my room reading; really Dad you didn’t check in my room?” questioned Ellie
“Of course I did but I swear you weren’t there.”
“Of course I was, anyway what’s important is that you’ve found me now.”
“Hmm ohh yes of course sorry.” That sentence is kind of weird
Ellie sat on her bed feeling bemused. “What was that all about?” she thought, all of a sudden a spooky voice whispered, “I know but you’ll have to keep reading me to find out.” That's cool. I really liked that line.
With a confused look over to her book that lay innocently on her bed she crept over to her bedroom door, which was closed, and she declared, “GOTCHA!” at the top of her voice and flung open the door. But to her amazement her brother, who she thought was behind the door making the noises, was not there. Ellie’s growing more confused face scrunched up as Ellie checked behind the door to see if her highly annoying little brother, Alex, had managed to slink himself into a small enough shape to fit behind it, but no he was still not there. An even more puzzled Ellie hesitantly stepped back into her room. Shaking her head from side to side to try and clear the last confusing minuets of her life out of her mind.
Ellie sat back down on her extremely lumpy bed. “Where did that voice come from?” she muttered vaguely. Ellie sighed as she answered herself, “I was probably just imaging it.” Striding over to her window and looking out over the garden, which was illuminated with sun light, something caught her eye; her brother was out side playing a game of football with 5 of his friends. “Well it definitely wasn’t him,” Ellie said matter-of-factly. Walking slowly out of her room she strolled down the stairs and went to see her Mum in the kitchen; however her Mum was making tea and didn’t even notice she was there. Trudging back up stairs and into her room Ellie flopped on the bed feeling unwanted and alone, “bored, bored, bored,” she groaned. Then out of the corner of her eye she saw her book, absentmindedly Ellie reached for it and opened the page. The character in her book who was also the Queen’s son, seemed like he needed her. That last part didn't make any sense with the rest of the sentenceHe needed something from her but what, was it something good or bad or would it harm her? Whatever it was Ellie was determined to find out. Even though Ellie knew that it was only a book she couldn’t help feeling so engrossed in the story, as if she was there in the story. I think you could write an entire page on what happens during that time, rather than just a paragraph
“ELLIE” shouted her mum “Tea’s ready” blinking a couple of times Ellie felt like she had just woken up from a deep sleep. “Coming Mum,” she replied. Standing up wearily Ellie walked down stairs as slow as possible and joining the rest of her family and Alex’s friends she enjoyed her favorite meal of jacket potato and cheese. What is jacket potato?
After what seemed like an eternity Ellie was released from the table ran up the stairs as fast as her spinderly legs could take her. As soon as she was in her room Ellie rushed over to her pillow and reached behind it to find her pajamas, putting them on she grabbed her book and slouched on her bean bag, then opened her book and tucked in to a chocolate bar (which she kept a stash of hidden under her bed).Okay that sentence made no sense and I think I just made it worse with the thenOscar, the alien creature in her Book, needed to find a key that would open a chest. That certain chest holds a sacred emotion called happiness. Darkness, an evil enemy of splodges city, had locked it away. Being the hero of his kingdom Splodge felt it necessary that he should find the key and unlock happiness. Suddenly, a blinding light hit Ellie’s face and she was knocked off her being bag and she watched her book fly in some what slow motion onto her floor. Suddenly she realizedthat she should be hitting the floor as well but she felt like she was still falling. A sudden fear overtook her body and confusion immediately changed to fear. Ellie looked down to see that she was falling into a black mass of nothingness ……… Great detail. The last paragraph is my favorite.

I really liked the main character and I loved your use of vocabulary. Half of those words I didn't even know. It makes anyone's writing so so much better.

I hope to read more chapters from this. You can message me if you would like to tell me about the next chapter or to comment on my review.

Sorry about my messy review and how it's not perfect. Like I said, this is the first time I've ever given someone a fully body comment.

Hi Holly! Welcome to YWS!

I really like this: it reminds me so much of how I was with books. Getting lost in them (but not as much as your MC), hurrying dinner so I could go back and finish reading. So, yeah, I can identify with your MC here.

This should help with your lack of dialogue punctuation. For example:

Ellie, Ellie” called Mrs Smith
“What mum” replied Ellie carelessly
“Come down stairs now, I’ve had enough of you mooching around up there”

Should look more like:

Ellie, Ellie!” called Mrs SmithEllie's mother.
“What, mum?” replied Ellie carelessly.
“Come downstairs now. I’ve had enough of you mooching around up there.”

You need punctuation within your dialogue. Different types convey your sentences differently and can drastically alter the context.
"I have pie?" - makes the speaker seem confused, as though they're echoing what has been said previously. You can tell they're probably the reserved, sensible character.
"I have pie!" changes this character to someone energetic bounding around everywhere. Someone who probably loves their sugar too much.
"I have pie..." suddenly changes this person into a leering creep. The sort who slyly whispers things into the hero's ear to change their mind. It also implies much has been left unsaid.

ran up the stairs 2 at a time. Her red-framed glasses were wriggling around precariously, so she stopped 11 steps

It makes your writing look more polished and professional if you write out smaller numbers like these. 2 = two. 11 = eleven. 125312 = 125312 (if it's as long as that, don't even bother. You'll end up with a paragraph dedicated to just saying that).
Also, I, personally, don't really care about the number of steps she's jumped up. I'm not drawing a diagram of the scene. Such precision, while it shows that you've clearly thought about your story, just slows it down and makes it clunky.

“What was that all about” She thought

What was that all about? she thought.
Thoughts are mostly written in italics. In some old novels they do use speech marks, but I recommend italics as it makes it clearer to the reader that they are thinking these things and not saying them out loud. Also, the "s" in "she" should be lowercase, like with speech-tags.

Oscar, the alien creature in her Book, needed to find a key that would open a chest. That certain chest holds a sacred emotion called happiness. Darkness, an evil enemy of splodges city, had locked it away. Being the hero of his kingdom Splodge felt it necessary that he should find the key and unlock happiness.

THIS IS THE ONLY BIT IN THE WHOLE FIRST CHAPTER WHICH EXPLAINS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE BOOK SHE IS READING. Just thought I'd mention that... For a whole story that evolves around this book, you don't really take the time to explain what it is about. I think you need to clear that up a little. Why not put extracts of it in italics and have Ellie's life interrupt them?

Oscar stretched out his trembling fingers to caress the worn, oak chest. He had it! Now he could-

"Ellie!" called her mum.

Now he could open it with the key that had taken him so long to find. Darkness-

"Ellie!" her mother called again.

A pretty bad example, but do you get what I mean?


So... I hope these little things have helped. Please do take them into consideration. YWS aims to help improve your writing skills. While this is good already, when you correct some small issues, your writing will improve dramatically. I hope to see more from you. (: Do PM me if you post any more or edit this. I'd love to give you another review.

Keep on writing! (:

~EmmaJane~

Hiya , thanks for your help , i am only 11 but really enjoy writing so had to fake my age :/ shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh anyway it is a big help for me to have other people commenting on my work , i am a bit stuck on how to carry on soo could you help me with that ?? thanks , holly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sure, Holly! Your work really reminded me of my first novel that I tried to write (before I got bored, like I always do...), so that was like a trip down memory lane. (X N'aaaw, brings back happy times.
Haha, I won't tell! *shifty look around to see if anyone heard*
Private Message me what you've got or plan to go with your story. Or where you think this might go.

Glad I could help ya! (:

~Emma (X