... Siobhan watched Zayn pull on a pair of black leather gauntlets from where she stood in the center of their chambers. Tears filled her eyes as she watched him, donning those last pieces of his armor.
'You don't have to do this...' she whispered.
He paused, and then glanced at her, his vibrant violet eyes flashing beneath his darkened brow, nice description'I have no choice.'
'But you do!' she half-sobbed, half-cried.
He looked up, shocked by her sudden outburst (it just sounds awkward the other way). the suddenness of her outburst. The silent tension silence and the tension that hung between them was suffocating.
'Zayn,' she whispered brokenly, 'I would rather die than be separated from you for an eternity! Please! Don't go!'
She hurried into his arms, sobbing as she buried her face in the hollow of his neck.
He grimaced at the inward heartache within his own chest as he wrapped his arms around her.
'Zayn...' she whimpered.
'I know none of this makes sense right now,' he whispered, 'And I wish I could tell you everything...'
She went rigid in his arms as a sob escaped her, 'Zayn, please...'
'All I can tell you is that I am only trying to take the Danger away from here,' he said, using his forefinger to tilt up her chin so that their eyes met, 'I have to do this. Death for us, to leave all of this trouble behind us, as sweet as that would be, would only leave the world in more peril than it is already in. Darling, the rebellion has started (begun?) something horrible.'
She bit her lip, meeting his gaze with now understanding eyes.
He ran the fingers of both his hands through her soft white hair, caressing the braid that hung by her ear, 'Be strong for me now... I cannot do this without you...'
She nodded, with tears streaming down her face and a heavy heart weighing in her chest. He knew she was still unsure, still afraid, but he knew she would do whatever was necessary for the sake of their world.
She cupped his face and pressed her lips to his in a half-hearted kiss I don‘t think ‘half-hearted‘ is the right word. I don‘t know, it just seems impassionate, like she didn‘t want to kiss him. I would think that this kiss would have a lot of heart and passion, at least that‘s how I pictured it. . She drew back, 'I'll pray for you...'
He shook his head, snatching her by the shoulders as he captured her mouth in a kiss of passion and desperation. Oh haha kind of like this.This kiss was perhaps the last they would share.
But it was cut abruptly short when the door creaked open and one of Zayn's men said softly, 'They are here.'
Zayn was jerked out of thought when he heard rustling on the other side of the room. He and Louis both looked up when Eden roused from her sleep.
Louis returned his gaze to Zayn, and found he was facing him already, jaw set, mouth taut.
Eden dragged herself from her cot and limped to the fire's edge. For the first time, Louis saw she too was injured.
She looked at Zayn, 'I didn't expect you to still be here when I woke up.'
'I'm not going anywhere,' Zayn assured her, 'Not until you and your friend are well enough to walk again at least...'
She smiled, 'You're a good person...'
His lips parted and his features fell into a blank expression, but for only a second before they became cold and stony again. It all happened in a matter of a second but Louis saw it. He knew that look, he had worn it himself many times.
Zayn stood up, his posture speaking of his unease, and he moved silently to the door, 'I'm going to see if there's anything out there...'
Before they could ask any questions, he slipped outside and shut the door behind him. The electricity went with him.
Eden released a heavy breath, as though she had been holding it for quite some time. Louis did the same without realizing it.
She pressed her lips together and hugged her knees to her chest, giving him a sidelong glance.
'Are you okay?' he asked, catching her stare.
She looked away again, 'I'll be okay... It's just a scratch... What about you? Are you alright?'
'Just a scratch...' he muttered, shifting his weight from side to side awkwardly. I really like this bit of dialogue here.She pressed her lips together, 'Louis... I...'
'Don't,' he interrupted, 'I know you're sorry you don't have to say anything...'
She looked at him, her eyes liquid gold, 'If I had known they were going to kill her...'
'Stop it,' he said sternly, turning his gaze sharply to her in time to see her hide her face in her hands.
She began to tremble with sobs that she struggled to stifle, 'Louis... Louis I'm so sorry...'
Once again, he felt that old compassion for her creep up on him. He wanted to push it away, to ignore it, but it only grew stronger. It was like she possessed a gravitational pull and he was trapped in it.
He swallowed and looked into the fire as though seeking solutions to ease the turmoil raging within him in the snapping flames.
How much time passed before she spoke again, he could not tell, but he jumped a little at the sound of her voice.
'I'll go,' she whispered, 'I'll leave...'
He looked at her.
'I'll leave you alone,' she said, meeting his gaze tearfully as she stood up, 'You won't ever see me again.'
She started for the door.
'Eden,' he said.
She paused, but put her hand on the door.
He gritted his teeth and struggled to his feet.
She looked over her shoulder at him, and then backed against the door when he began to limp toward her.
'What are you doing?' she breathed.
He shook his head at her, 'If you leave me... I won't have anything left...' Ok, from here until the end of the scene it felt cliché. The whole ‘you show me there’s good in the world’ is waaaay overused. It goes without saying in this story. Obviously these people kind of bond together because finding kindness in anyone is a rare gem. Once they get to know each other, it’s very difficult for them to even try living apart. I get that. You don’t have to say it.
I’m a little surprised that they are able to talk about Violet so soon. At least with me, whenever there is a death in the family, it seems like everyone around me is stoic and life passes by for weeks without you even realizing until one day you find you’re ready to move on. I don’t know, I just think realistically things need more time to progress, but then I realize you’re trying to get on with your novel and I’d much rather have it move along like this than spend chapters of moping.
Speaking of leaving time for things to progress, I can wait a whole lot longer for Eden’s/Louis’s kiss! I know you want your characters to be happy and find love and kiss and make babies but so far they still hardly know each other! They still seem a little uncomfortable whenever they talk to each other, there hasn’t been many conversations where they make each other smile or laugh, and you need to have at least a few of these moments before things can start to go further. Good things come to those who wait. It just doesn’t feel like this was their moment, and for something as big as their first kiss, it should.She stared at him.
'I need you, Eden,' he whispered, 'I need to know there's some good left in this world.'
'I'm not-' she began to speak, but he stopped her with a light kiss on the lips. So yeah, this is out of character, I think.She released a shuddering breath when he stepped back.
He pressed his brow to hers and took her hand with trembling fingers, 'I'm... I'm afraid, Eden...' This seems more like Louis to me. Maybe instead of the kiss, this simple confession can grab her attention and make her stay. Since he confides in her, she gets that small feeling of that he trusts her. Now that’s a building block for a solid relationship. Start small, work your way up. That way their tiny steps will be so so much more significant.
... Zayn led his league on to the pristine white sand of the beach where They were waiting. He stopped a yard away from Them, and his men followed suit, halting a yard behind him.
Their leader stepped forward, 'See? Now was that such a hard decision to make?' A yard really isn’t that far away, and if he took a step forward, he would be right in his face.Zayn did not reply, but a muscle in his jaw tightened.
'You will enjoy your time in the New World,' said the Leader, his Voice alluring as a harp, venomous as the bite of a viper, and cold as ice to me this is too much description. Pick one or two. Also, they seem conflicting; an cold, alluring, venomous voice., 'Your kind like to hide in the shadows. There will be plenty to hide in at Underworld.'
'You will regret this,' Zayn said through his teeth, 'I will make sure of it.'
'Alas, it is a task anyone would struggle undertake, tearing apart love in the most Divine of forms,' the Leader gave a low chuckle, 'But the gods intend to make an example of you two. Marriage between two Divines of two different races... Leading a revolt against the gods who breathed life into you and this world. You, friend, (would he really call him friend is he was threatening him?) are fortunate that you were allowed the choice between life and death.'
Zayn's lip snarled over his fangs briefly. His men all hissed and growled, feeling the fire of his hatred for Them.
'Now,' huffed the Leader, 'Board the ship. We want to reach the Door by tomorrow at sundown.' ...
Zayn pressed his back against the wall and slid down to the floor, his arms tight around his waist. He licked his lips and pulled off the blindfold, exposing his scintillating (nice vocabulary, but according to my thesaurus it might be a bit off. Sparkling? Maybe. Brilliant? Maybe. Amusing? Probably not. Lively? Maybe. Anyways, it seems like the origins of this word are all happy and cheery, whereas your character is probably sad lonely and depressed.) eyes to the darkness that engulfed Underworld.
'She made you weak,' said a voice in the dark.
Zayn spied Ashé standing across the road, amethyst eyes narrowed at him.
He was not a monster now, but in the form of a man, with long dark hair and ragged clothes.
'Before you met her, you were fearless,' Ashé went on, 'You were strong. You were violent. You were ruthless... You wanted to rule the World and you had everything that was required to do so. Now look at you. Alone. Defeated.' I like what he says here.'We both know why that is,' Zayn growled.
'Because of her,' Ashé snorted.
'I made the choice for the good of the World,' Zayn whispered, 'Nothing else.'
'And where has that gotten you?' Ashé asked.
'Leave me alone,' Zayn whispered.
Ashé burst into shadow and then rematerialized at Zayn's side snarling, 'Stop resisting me!'
Zayn covered his ears, clenching his teeth and closing his eyes.
'You know you want it back,' Ashé growled, 'The Darkness. It calls for you. You cannot ignore what is natural to you.'
'Get away from me!' Zayn shouted, trembling all over.
Ashé stood up, dragging Zayn to his feet as well, and then pinned him up against the wall.
'It lives in you still,' Ashé whispered, pressing his palm to Zayn's chest.
'Stop!' Zayn shouted, and then choked.
His violet eyes became black as night and his face lost all expression.
Darkness seeped from the markings on his skin and dripped from the corners of his mouth. Ashé's hand sank into his chest, like hot iron into ice.
Zayn's mouth gaped open and he raised his face to the ceiling. He leaned forward into Ashé's arms, completely limp.
'That's right,' Ashé whispered, 'Embrace your true nature. Take back what belongs to you. What you crave the most...'
Zayn shuddered, and a snarl ripped up from his chest. He clutched Ashé's shoulders until the fabric of his shirt and the skin underneath tore in his hands.
The Darkness within him was alive now after being dormant for so long. It was exhilarating, and for the first time in a long time, he felt alive. But then, he heard her voice, clearly as though she was standing beside him.
'Hold on... Don't let go...'
His lip curled over his fangs, and he yelled as he shoved Ashé away from him. The effort took nearly all of his strength.
Ashé slid across the road, scrambling to his feet without difficulty. He stared at Zayn, a bewildered look on his face as the Divine slowly rose to his feet, trembling all over as the Darkness dripped from his body in steady streams.
'You are wrong...' Zayn said, his voice barely above a whisper, 'She has only made me stronger.'
Ashé shook his head at him, 'You'll come back. You can't resist forever.'
With that, he vanished, disappearing into the Dark.
Zayn stood where he was for a moment, panting. The Darkness that covered him faded away and slowly he regained his strength.
So this was what it was like, to be awake, to be alive again.
Very interesting here. I like it.
... The ships had docked at the isle where the Threshold stood. It was a simple triangular platform of white marble, with a tall pillar at each corner and a silver bowl on pedestal in the center.
Zayn stood behind his league, waiting patiently as other condemned (should condemned be capitalized? It seems like a title of the creatures. If not, it should probably be something like ’condemned beings’ because condemned is just an adjective that describes nothing in this sentence.) crowded the shores.
Fauns and Minotaurs, Wolves and Vampires, Centaurs and even Elves. Divines from other regions crowded (would assembled sound better here?) around Zayn's league, murmuring and watching the rest.
'So this is how it ends,' sighed Martio, the leader of the Divines from the mountains.
'I'm sorry we got you all into this,' Zayn whispered.
'Don't be,' the other said softly, 'You helped free us. For centuries we were prisoners of this so-called Law without even knowing it. Until you and Siobhan united, we did not know what happiness was. We would follow you into the Dark if you required it of us.'
'Do you all feel so?' Zayn asked.
'Every last one of us,' he replied, clapping his hand on his (Zayn’s) shoulder.
Zayn nodded, and then he and the leaders of the other tribes approached the platform where They stood.
Each of the Divines pulled out a knife, save Zayn, who gave his wrist a shake and a blade shot out of his gauntlet from a small slit. They cut their palms so that blood oozed out of the lacerations, and then they half their hands (half their hands? I don’t know what that means.) over the bowl, allowing the blood to trickle in.
The Leader (who’s the leader? Zayn?) stepped forward with a torch and set fire to the blood. The moment it ignited comma a ray of white light shot straight into the sky, no comma and then split into three shafts, connecting with the pillars Actually, it might sound better if you would split that sentence into two. The moment it ignited the mixture of divine blood, a single ray of brilliant white light shot straight up into the sky, before splitting to three separate shafts. The light continued to soar upwards until each blaze contacted a pillar, and sent a shimmering curtain of light waterfalling down over the Divine lords, immersing the platform on which they stood. (Anyways, I think this description can be a bit more epic and descriptive, whichever way you want to do it.) . A curtain of light came down, covering the platform.
All of the condemned trudged up the steps of the platform and stepped reluctantly into to veil, vanishing inside.
All the while, Zayn was glaring at the Leader, who met his gaze with equal hatred. Both were waiting for the other to move first.
Zayn knew His intentions. He knew the real reason as to why the Divines were being banished rather than put to death. This had nothing to do with the revolt.
They escorted the condemned Divines through the Door, but still Zayn stood rigid.
The last of the Divines stepped through the Door. This was his only chance.
All at once, Zayn snatched Him by the throat and kicked the pedestal over.
'You fool!' He cried.
Zayn dragged Him along with him as he ran toward to Door. It was beginning to fade, and quickly.
Zayn jerked Him off the ground and sprang through the Door with Him on his back. And then, it shut.
I love where this is going.
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