Doth The Light

Spoiler

Dedicated to a depressed friend of mine...sorry for the awkwardness of the rhythm...'twas meant to be five beats per line...

Doth the light of daytime catch thy eyes
Or does thee think of thee too simply wise
To cherish what hath been, for years and years,
Here before thy eyes could even see?
Thy eyes have only seen what thou despise.
Hold not the memories that haunt thy past
Eternally within thy mind to last
Lifelong but rather let the others rise.
In thy thoughts thee cries too quietly;
Great shouts for help shall grant thee no more tears.
How truly splendid it shalt finally feel
To cherish what hath been for years and years?

I really like it, except it doesn't seem to have much a rhythm to it, does it?

Holy muffin cakes! Haha, sorry for my strange enthusiasm, but this was beautiful in every way possible. It didn't have much rhythm, but it was enough to make it a poem. I LOVE your word choice and that you stuck to the "old english" language! Wow, I just can't tell you enough how much I loved this. It's so hard to find really really good poems anymore.
This reminded me of something Romeo might say in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet (duh).
"O my love, my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty."
Again, I deeply enjoyed your poem; it was beautifully written with lines that made me ponder and marvel. Such an excellent piece! Keep Writing!
~Lukan

Hi Kawanwak

I really like this. I love that you used olden day English on a modern day subject. And I don't think it's awkward at all. Your flow was really good, but there was much rhythm. I can feel all the emotion in what you’re saying. Lines like


"Great shouts for help shall grant thee no more tears."

Are perfectly crafted. Your very talented. I don't really have any dislikes for it. Keep Writing!

I have to agree with everyone. I really like it and I also love the way you used old English and yet your a modern writer. So, good job. It does need a little editing, but not really, so awesome. I love it! (And I can relate to it, I love that kind of poetry)

I like this! The use of old English makes this piece very unique; it's certainly something you don't see everyday today! I enjoyed the last three lines in particular! I hope your friend appreciated your time and effort into this heartfelt piece of work! Keep it up!

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