Tesseract - Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2:

...and with that the deal was made...

The lawyer came again, and led me - and Jason - friendly but rushed to the door. It slammed close behind us. I stood there, baffled, with a little suitcase with half a million in it. I blinked a few times, and that was all Jason needed to walk away. I rolled my eyes. That asshole. “Hey! ..eh.. Jason was it? Please wait for me!” I ran after him, while he ignored me. I really started to hate him now. I finally caught up to him, and grabbed his arm. He turned around looking annoyed. “What do you want, girl!?” I cursed him silently, while looking him straight in the eyes. “Shouldn’t we go check on the house..?” He rolled his eyes. They were a dark grey color, almost black. “What do you think I’m doing, stupid!?” He walked further again. I blinked, then ran after him. “If you think I’m gonna share it with you, then you’re wrong! I’m his real daughter! It’s obvious it’s mine!” He snorted, but walked further. “Are we gonna walk all the way!? We just inherited a millio~” Jason turned around and sent me a glare that could probably kill someone. “..What..!?” I was angry at him. He stepped towards me. “Are you stupid!?” he said hushed, but none the less angry, “Do you want everyone to know!?” I felt my cheeks heating up. ‘Oops..’ He then looked around, and called a cab. I sighed. ‘Lucky.’

It was silent in the car. As silent as death. I cleared my throat, no reaction. I cleared my throat again, an annoyed glare from Jason. ‘What’s with that guy!? Acting all high and mighty..’ I looked out of the window frowning. ‘Pff.. He couldn’t be family.. Although.. When I remember dad’s behavior.. that wasn’t that good either.. Still. He didn’t look anything like him at all. Jason probably lied to get my million.’ The car stopped, and I was forced back into reality again. It had started to rain softly. The house looked grey and unappealing. None the less, big, and looking expensive. …but most of all looking old. Very old. I didn’t think ‘daddy’ lived here a lot. I stepped out of the car. I let Jason pay. The taxi driver grabbed his arm, and whispered to us: “I would be careful if I were you, kiddies. There are weird story’s about the house, and the owner of it..” Jason thanked him - not with his all, I saw it in his eyes. Even I agreed with him on this one. There were always ‘story’s’ about old mansions. I wasn’t scared at all. I started walking towards the house, Jason walking just a bit faster, so he reached the door first. Even that annoyed me. The door swung open, and a lot of dust blew into my face. I coughed, and Jason disappeared inside. When my lungs were finally clear again, I had lost sight of Jason. I growled and stepped inside. ‘Great.’

I quite liked this. Quite different from the stud i usually read and rather intriguing. I want to read more already. It would be nice if you could post the link for the first part! I would really like to read it. I know very little about grammar or spelling but your narrator is quite interesting and not at all annoying which is a problem i find in may teen novels theses days.

Although some parts where quite confusing.

‘What’s with that guy!? Acting all high and mighty..’ I looked out of the window frowning. ‘Pff.. He couldn’t be family.. Although..

Who is she talking to?

Also watch your punctuation! This ' ?!' is not really a good habit to get into.

It was a really good chapter. Although,

“..what..!?” I was angry at him.

The w in what should be capitalized. Overall, I liked it a lot. Keep up the good work.

This is a really good chapter. I'm just wondering where the first chapter is.

This is a short but snappy piece, and it works really well. Just remember after any kind of full stop, you need a capital letter. Sorry to be picky.

Hi Aliepalie,

Keep up the good work, I like it. I'm curious where this story brings me.
Forgive me for providing some remarks, I hope you take it positively.

I would change 'friendly but rushed to the door' -> 'friendly but impatiently to the door' (think of adjective)
'with a little suitcase with half a million in it' -> containing half million.
'he said hushed' I think that it's enough to just say 'he hushed'

Take care! Raoden

I think it could of been a bit longer but never the less it was just as good as the first chapter. It's actually keeping my attention wich is a problem I have with a lot of stories. I have A.D.D. so I can't pay attention to one thing for very long but this wasn't that hard to pay attention to. I actually didn't want to stop reading! Great job, keep up the good work

Hello there, chapter two. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Same thing with the dialogue here as with chapter one. It should be an easy fix, just sort of bumping things into new paragraphs, but it'll make a big difference, believe me.

This went by really quickly as well. Why do Melissa and Jason hate each other? Sure, he hasn't talked all that much, but it seems like all Melissa's done since the moment she laid eyes on him is badmouth him in her head. Is he acting like a jerk? How? Describe his actions and what he is doing that gives her such a negative impression of him. She isn't being a little ray of sunshine herself either, so I wouldn't blame him for acting cold. Again, slow down. Show us a bit more interaction. Show us what gestures they are using, what they are doing with their bodies, not just what they are saying. It'll help us get into their heads without having to be told every last little emotion running through their heads.

I actually feel like this doesn't need to be its own chapter. It could be rolled together with the first chapter and just make one longer chapter. I mean, there is nothing really happening here beyond them going to the house. It'd tie in just fine with the reveal of the house last chapter and then you can move on from there. Just my opinion though.

Onward!

~GryphonFledgling