The W-Force (Part 1)

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Okay, SO! I haven't posted a work in... um, a while I guess. I've had the worst Writer's Block for the past... 6 months or so, and this is one of the first decent thing I've written in a very long time. So, if it lacks quality, let me know. xD It's not meant to be serious, so enjoy. I hope.


Part One...

The commander's fist hit the desk's surface, making every nerd in the room jump. Nervous eyes peeked over the top of laptop computers and stacks of Algebra books. The entire room went eerily silent as their commander glared at his desktop screen, eyes flickering with rage behind his thicker-than-average glasses.

He looked up, and even though Captain Robert Hyatti was standing beside his superior, it felt an awful lot like those eyes were glaring directly at him. After all, it was partially his fault that the Jocks had sent the threat in the first place.

A threat that was filled with terrible grammar and, dare he say it, net-speak. Robert shuddered and adjusted his pocket protector to busy his shaky hands as Commander Nicholas read the threat out loud.

"u noobz hav bin left alone 4 long enuf now surender or fase the rath of Butch futbal jok ov the centiree." The commander paused, the edges of his mouth twitching. "And, for those of you who don't understand a single word I just said, the translation to that opening line would be, 'You unworthy foes have been allowed to go free for long enough. Surrender now or face the wrath of Buth, Football Jock of the century."

The group said nothing, and neither did Robert. It seemed like every eye in the room was on Nicholas, and the Nicholas had nothing left to say.

Robert figured that it was his turn to speak up, seeing as his superior's mind was elsewhere. "Four lines of bad grammar later," he started, stepping forward, "they state that they are sending out their most powerful weapons yet!" He waited to see if the commander would order him to step down, and continued when he issued no such order.

"Obviously, brawn is no match for brain, but even so, most of our comrades are in China, aiding in finding a cure for Leukemic." His brown eyes held steady, though his body was quivering. Nicholas had claimed he had a secret weapon-- a new league of nerds who had been found working underground for centuries, but so far, Robert hadn't heard anything else on the subject.

One spindly hand rose, and Nicholas snapped out of his stupor. "Yes, Edwund?" he asked, sniffing and smoothing out a few wrinkles in his sweater-vest.

The nerd that had raised his hand lowered it slowly and returned the commander's sniff before answering. "What are we going to do!?" Robert had never heard Edwund's nasally voice sounding so desperate before.

Nervous murmurs rippled through the lecture hall, coated with quiet sniffs and the sound of asthma puffers being pushed.

"SILENCE!" Robert hadn't even noticed he had spoken until the words were out of his mouth. His commander's harsh look made him regret his sort-of decision immediately.

However, the room had gone eerily silent. Every eye was now on the second-in-command, waiting for his explanation. Nicholas spoke up instead.

"Your nervousness is not required, my dear nerds. What's left of our four main sectors, Tech Nerds, Math Nerds, Science Nerds and History Nerds, will be working in the hall doing various jobs. Nobody from these four sectors is to go out to the field during the battle."

One of the more daring of the Tech Nerds, red-head Sandra Dillia, spoke up without so much as raising her hand. "But sir!" she started, standing and clutching a few dozen wires to her chest, "If we're not out there fighting, the Jocks will be able to storm the hall!"

Before more nervous banter could be stirred up, the commander was speaking again. "Good observation, Sandra, but you must understand that the jocks aren't the ones with a few tricks up their sleeves." He winked, and a now-blushing Sandra slipped back into her seat, the faintest outlines of a smile on her lips.

Robert blinked, glancing between Sandra and his long-time friend and commander. Nicholas never called anybody-- especially the girls-- by their first names. It was either 'Miss' or 'Mister' and, on occasion, 'Missis.' Then again, Robert supposed that he shouldn't be too surprised. Anybody with a superior brain capacity could see that there had been something going on between the two for the longest time now.

"An- and just what we-weapon would th-this b-b-be?" One of the nerds asked-- Denis Fry, if Robert was remember correctly. The poor boy had a horrible stutter, much worse than any of the other nerds. It was near impossible to understand what he was saying half of the time.

The grin that spread across Nicholas' face after the question had his second-in-command gulping. That look was never a good one, especially if Nicholas ran his tongue across his braced teeth afterwards, which he was now doing.

"What do you have up your sleeve, Nick?" Robert whispered, leaning so that his lips were near his commander's ear.

Nicholas snorted and began to explain, however vaguely, what he had in mind. "There's a secret legue of Nerds out there-- the most deadly, the most horrific breed there is. They have only been called forth on one other occasion-- the great war that was a whole twenty semesters ago. The War of Burton High!"

It seemed as though the entire crowd gasped as one and busied themselves with adjusting their glasses and inhaling their asthma medications.

Nicholas' grin had grown to twice the size it was before. "Who here reads novels?"

Almost every hand went up, including Robert's. He had no idea where the young man was getting with this, but he didn't dare question his commander.

"How many of you know that those authors, the very ones that wrote those adrenaline-laced adventures and romance-soaked heart-warmers, are typically retired W-force members?"

Jaws dropped, and still more glasses were pushed up. There were a few odd murmurs in the crowd, though most of the Nerds had been stunned into silence. Including Robert. The W-force were just a myth! They simply did not exist-- they couldn't exist! If they were real, Robert would have heard of them a long time ago. He glanced at Nicholas, waiting for him to laugh and announce that it was all some sort of cruel joke. But the commander was still grinning, and his lips were starting to move again.

"The W-force are the Word Nerds, the most feared sector in all of Nerd history! Most of you probably assume them to be myth-- Writers are not True Nerds! The very idea is probably preposterous to you! However, Writers are True Nerds, perhaps the truest of all of us!" Nicholas took a deep breathe, eyes sparkling. "They have power like no other. By their very hand, bizarre wonders are created and brought to life. It is by their words and creation that we will win this war!

There was a moment of silence, during which Robert and his fellow Nerds chewed on this new bit of information. It was Sandra who broke it with a loud "WHOOP!" The others followed her lead, cheering in their variating nasally voices.

Robert glanced at Nicholas, slightly taken aback by the malicious glint in his eyes.

To be continued...
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Saving a spot. I'll work on this one offline. :D


It was funny to read, and it was a good idea, albeit a clichéd one. My nitpicks and revision are as follows.
I didn’t bother to separate the grammar and spelling nitpicks and the ‘style’ nitpicks, but I'm sure you can find them. :P

The commander's fist hit the desk's surface, making every nerd in the room jump.

The italicized bit is ineffectively voiced. You probably should have reworded as so: “The commander hit the desk surface with his fist,”

Nervous eyes peeked over the top of laptop computers and stacks of Algebra books.

“Tops”; you are speaking about many computers, so it must be in plural form.

He looked up, and even though Captain Robert Hyatti was standing beside his superior, it felt an awful lot like those eyes were glaring directly at him.

Putting Robert’s full name here throws the reader off track a little, and is completely unnecessary, I suggest you cut it.
Also, when you said ‘beside his superior” it took me a while to understand what you meant. I suggest you use the commander’s name there.

"And, for those of you who don't understand a single word I just said, the translation to that opening line would be, 'You unworthy foes have been allowed to go free for long enough. Surrender now or face the wrath of Buth, Football Jock of the century."

Would Nerds understand chat-speak?
Anyways, you got the name wrong. I’m quite sure it isn’t ‘Buth’.
Also, the underlined part needs some work. It should be “….who didn’t understand…”

It seemed like every eye in the room was on Nicholas, and the Nicholas had nothing left to say.

I find that people use ‘like’ too much. Try ‘as though’.
Also, I think replacing the ‘and’ with ‘but’ would improve things immensely.

Robert figured that it was his turn to speak up, seeing as his superior's mind was elsewhere.

Why does Nicholas spazz out? It seems to be a very random and weird thing. But, considering these are Nerds, I suppose such behavior is normal.

He waited to see if the commander would order him to step down, and continued when he issued no such order.
"Obviously, brawn is no match for brain, but even so, most of our comrades are in China, aiding in finding a cure for Leukemic."

Maybe ‘carried on’ instead of ‘continued’.
Also, what is Leukemic? Did you mean Leukemia?

The nerd that had raised his hand lowered it slowly and returned the commander's sniff before answering. "What are we going to do!?" Robert had never heard Edwund's nasally voice sounding so desperate before.

You need to create a new line for dialogue. Both before and after Edwund’s speech, like this: “The nerd that had raised his hand lowered it slowly and returned the commander's sniff before answering.
"What are we going to do!?" He snarked
Robert had never heard Edwund's nasally voice sounding so desperate before.

What's left of our four main sectors, Tech Nerds, Math Nerds, Science Nerds and History Nerds, will be working in the hall doing various jobs. Nobody from these four sectors is to go out to the field during the battle."

I don’t understand the setting of your story. You mention halls and semesters as though it were a school, yet these Nerds are planning a battle against their mortal enemies in a very war-room style. I understand you are exaggerating public school cliques and categories, but this part doesn’t seem to work.

"But sir!" she started, standing and clutching a few dozen wires to her chest, "If we're not out there fighting, the Jocks will be able to storm the hall!"

How is she clutching these wires? And how? It just seemed a weird action for someone, even a Tech Nerd.

Before more nervous banter could be stirred up, the commander was speaking again. "Good observation, Sandra, but you must understand that the jocks aren't the ones with a few tricks up their sleeves."

‘Banter’ is synonymous with ‘teasing’, ‘mockery’, ‘chitchat’, and ‘repartee’. ;)

Nicholas never called anybody-- especially the girls-- by their first names.

But he did when he spoke to Edwund.

Anybody with a superior brain capacity could see that there had been something going on between the two for the longest time now.

Since they’ve all got superior neural capacity (as all True Nerds do) then why is there even a hint of surprise for Robert?
Also, I think this would be a good place to express the sappy, terrible romances such Nerds would have. I mean, think about it, are Nerds known for having good romances? No. Try to make Sandra a little silly, maybe.

The grin that spread across Nicholas' face after the question had his second-in-command gulping.

You refer to him as ‘Robert’ and ‘second-in-command’ interchangeably. I think it should have been a little better than that.

Almost every hand went up, including Robert's.

Every hand should have gone up. :D

The W-force were just a myth!

"The W-force are the Word Nerds, the most feared sector in all of Nerd history!

W-Force ‘was’ and ‘is’, not ‘were’ and ‘are’.

The others followed her lead, cheering in their variating nasally voices.

‘Variating’ is misspelled, in fact, there isn’t even a word like that. You should use ‘varyingly’.

Robert glanced at Nicholas, slightly taken aback by the malicious glint in his eyes.

I like this! It leaves us on a cliff hanger

Okay, it was great, although I didn’t like the thought of writers being Nerds (We aren’t! Or, at least…I’m not xD) but you managed it well.
You need to work a little on the clichéd feeling this has. Since they’re Nerds it would be good to leave some of the cliché in (lAs I suggested with Sandra) but not too much.
Awesome work!
Jenth
Last edited by Jenthura on Mon Mar 14, 2011 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Aloha, Isha!

I have never reviewed any of your stories until now. And my general impression of this is that, this a good first chapter. However, there are some matters that I'll be clarifying about. Now, on to the review...

The commander's fist hit the desk's surface, making every nerd in the room jump.


A first line of a chapter should be interesting so that it would automatically hook your readers. And as of yours, I think that could've been better, you just need to sort of- rephrase and edit some things.

He looked up, and even though Captain Robert Hyatti was standing beside his superior,


At first, I thought that there are three persons in the room-disregarding the nerds- Captain Robert, Commander Nicholas and the superior- which is unnamed and only recognized once on the story. Maybe this is just me, but is the superior only just a painting on the wall? If so, you should mentioned it. And if not, he's mentioned but rarely focused on.

One of the nerds asked-- Denis Fry, if Robert was remember correctly.


I think you meant to write, "if Robert remembered correctly."

Nicholas took a deep#FF0000 "> breathe, eyes sparkling.


Breathe: verb while Breath: noun. So should it be 'breath'? ^^

~

I think you have done a good job on your first chapter, Ishaloo. I have to say, the way you've written it sounds a bit humorous and entertaining. Talk about nerds against jocks--- you should definitely continue this. ^^

One of the things that confused me is how you introduce your characters. At first you mentioned "commander", and then there came captain Robert and commander Nicholas. It'd be better if you have stated Commander Nicholas on the first part, because this could mean that there are two commanders: the unnamed commander and commander Nicholas.

Next thing I have noticed here was how you kept on writing the word "nervous". I tell you, my friend, there are times when repetition doesn't equal fun. "Nervous eyes" and then there's "nervous murmurs"--- you might want to fix that. :wink:

Also, about the threat the commander has received. It seems that you should add more information about it. Letting your readers know about the threat, but not knowing the cause of it, would leave them confused.

Grammar wise, I don't really have much thing to say regarding this. Though there are just some rough areas that sometimes distract the flow of the story. But anyways a few edits here and there might do the trick! ^^

Overall, I like this. I apologize in advance if ever you see this review confusing or totally unhelpful at all, but anyways, everything is based entirely on my opinions. Let me know if you have any questions. Keep writing. :)

Peace out,
Yuri



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P.S I loff you too. >8D
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal



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