Great Mother is Calling You

The land is falling apart, and

Great Mother is calling you.

There is only one choice, but

You are afraid to make it.

The land cannot be healed,

And Great Mother is calling you.



The land is being destroyed, and

Great Mother is calling you.

It rained all night, and

Flamed all day, but the

Land cannot be cured, and

Great Mother is calling you.



The land is broken and twisted, and

Great Mother is calling you.

She has hope, hope for your people,

And you must go to her now,

And forever, because

Great Mother is calling you.



The land is cursed with evil ones, and

Great Mother is calling you.

The people are being torn apart,

And it is your job to lead them

Out of the wilderness, for

Great Mother is calling you.





The land is troubled and forsaken, but

Great Mother is calling you.

You must travel far and wide across,

Through mist and fire and sea;

But you must escape the cursed land,

Great Mother is calling you.



The new land is bright and filled with hope;

Great Mother is calling you.

America is there for you,

Forever and always true,

The new land is calling you.

Great Mother is calling you.



The new land is calling you.

Great Mother is calling you.

-Lili

Hi Blue Raspberry, does everyone on here have berry related user names because I've only reviewed one other person and they were called Blackberry... Anywayyyyy

I liked this point black. The structure was clear and effective, plus the repetition of "Great Mother is calling me" I thought really worked, even though in my opinion it was a little overused. Where is the person escaping from exactly? I was just wondering because I've been researching the Irish Potato Famine in school where many fled to America and this reminded me of that.

I think this is brilliant as it expresses that idea all of the world in many cultures of "The American Dream" and how it will solve everything when in reality, in many cases, it won't. I have a few nitpicks but other than that, the main things that I think you should improve for your poem are:

. Add a little more description. I think your clear paragraphs leave room for you to be a bit more adventurous with language and such. Plus this is quite a long poem and without exciting language I think the reader will become bored halfway through.

.Along with the language point, it would be lovely to see some imagery, really paint a picture of what these people are going through in the readers mind.

.I thought that there was too much repetition of the lines in italics at the beginning, it worked at the start but after a few stanzas it started becoming boring. Maybe change it slightly to add effect each time?

Overall I liked this, but thought it could use work. Grammatically it seems pretty sound, so well done on that as some people on here don't seem to be able to proofread. I'd love to see how this could be developed!


Copper

In green are the punctuation errors, in red is everything else.

The land is falling apart, and

Great Mother is calling you.

There is only one choice, but

You are afraid to make it.

The land cannot be healed,

And Great Mother is calling you. In every other part of the poem, the 'and' is in the line above 'Great Mother is calling you. I feel this repetition should have continued here. Otherwise, you could move the 'and' into it's current position.



The land is being destroyed, and

Great Mother is calling you.

It rained all night, and

Flamed all day, but the

Land cannot be cured, and

Great Mother is calling you.



The land is broken and twisted, and

Great Mother is calling you.

She has hope, hope for your people,

And you must go to her now, You have a few good options here. You could: move the comma to after 'her', or you could end the sentence after 'now', or you could add a semicolon after 'now'.


And forever, because I feel you could have added a comma here.

Great Mother is calling you.



The land is cursed with evil ones, and

Great Mother is calling you.

The people are being torn apart,

And it is your job to lead them [color=#00BF00] A comma here would be a good choice.[/color]

Out of the wilderness, for

Great Mother is calling you.





The land is troubled and forsaken, but

Great Mother is calling you.

You must travel far and wide across,

Through mist and fire and sea;

But you must escape the cursed land,

Great Mother is calling you.



The new land is bright and filled with hope;

Great Mother is calling you.

America is there for you,

Forever and always true,

The new land is calling you.
There is something wrong with these two lines. They don't flow like they should. In this part of the poem, I think it would be better to be rid of it.
Great Mother is calling you.



The new land is calling you. Here, I think this is more acceptable, although, it would be smart to add "Now," at the end of this line.
Great Mother is calling you.

All in all, this is an enjoyable poem that makes you think. Keep writing.

-Brook

Hey!
I found this poem to be really powerful especially because I know what it's like to travel from one country to another, I moved to America when I was 7.
I think the writing was very good and I, myself love repition and when people make repition work, it's one of my favorite things to read. The descriptions were very good about the "mist, fire and sea" and such.
The details were great also, I could picture the people and the nation in distress and I could feel the dread of having to leave your home and the nervousness of traveling to another land.
I thought this really was a great poem. Keep writing!