hey there I loved your piece but there were a few errors that I think you should revise. So let me just give you my two cents and hopefully I'll be of some help. where I found problems: "bugs chirped all around" - birds chirp and that sounds nicer. I know sometimes it feels good to kind of mix things up a bit but this line was a little awkward. Maybe you should say that they heard crickets creaking, or birds chirping or just specify what they heard.
"Daine’s tangle of auburn hair"- tangle usually refers to a strand of hair not an entire head. So unless only a strand of hair was dirty this sentence must be revised.
"..in love she didn’t seem to know" – in love but she didn't seem to know
"The crescent moon hung low in the velvety sky, casting an eerie glow through the canopy of the trees. The warm spring night was far from silent as Kasia strolled through the life-abundant forest, her siblings of sorts walking at a much slower pace a few meters to the right. An owl hooted from far above and bugs chirped all around. The teenagers conversed loudly, but not so loud that with their super-human hearing they couldn’t hear the scurry of vermin in the undergrowth or trickle of the stream three kilometres away, and not so loud that Kasia couldn’t hear their thoughts, conscious or not.” There is so much maturity in this paragraph. It flows so nicely, i really loved it.
"..Isius called with the ghost of an Australian accent."- I get what you mean here but it is a bit awkward. I think you should look at a better way of getting your point across here.
The dialogues are a bit too long in this passage. We don't need to see exactly what they said, try and use a character, say Kaisa, to tell the reader in a shorter way what exactly happened. Dialogues are nice but if they are too crowded together then it becomes a script not a story, yes yes we love to hear what the characters are saying but the writer's words are more gripping and why we pick up the books in the first place.
I love the way you write, it is simplistic yet so gripping. Make the reader feel and I believe this will be a success. Just fix a few things and voila a masterpiece! Keep writing! Bravo! Xx Upile xx
