Freedom Awaits: Chapter 1

Okay, so this is my first story on this site, which I'm new to. This chapter is extremely rushed, since my biggest problem (as far as I know) is that I get afraid to commit to doing something, so I have to convince myself I don't really care about it to even do it. I literally wrote this in ten minutes. I want any kind of suggestion or constructive criticism you can give me. I'm here to have fun and to improve my writing.

And that asterisk is after the president's name because I have no idea what I want him to be called and just wrote that to have something. I'm open to (begging for, really) suggestions.

Freedom Awaits: Chapter 1

"Jeez, I can't believe it," Elle said. "We might as well live in China! ID cards, Jesus." She shook her head at her TV.

"What?" Francie said. "It'll help us catch the bad guys!"

"And the government will know where we all are, all the time. Privacy is just gone."

"What do you have to hide? What, are you a terrorist?" Francie poked Elle in the side playfully.

"I don't have to have anything to hide, that's the thing! I could be picking my nose, or doing my homework! If I want to be doing it in private, I get to be doing it in private. That's what a free country is."

"A free country is a place where you don't have to worry about being blown up. Hard times come for drastic measures, Ellie. This wouldn't be necessary if the danger wasn't real."

" 'Come for'…never mind." Elle shook her head. "The danger isn't real, that's the thing! How many people have died due to terrorist activity since the Harbor happened?"

"I dunno…."

"None."

"Well, of course some have, silly! Or why would everybody be agreeing to this?"

"…Yes, that's exactly what you'd think, isn't it?"

"Whatever. I have to go bake the cookies for the bake sale. Ta!" And Francie left.

It was getting worse. President Slinger* kept calling for more and more changes, all of them bad. America was turning into a police state. It had just been announced that all citizens five years old and up had to sign up for ID cards, which were required to be carried at all times. Checkpoints had become a regular part of life, and coming into effect in the next week, every hour, citizens had to use their ID cards to update their locations in the Freebase of America, a computer database with a unit present at every location.

The units looked kind of like the things at supermarkets you swipe your credit cards in. You swipe your ID card, and America knows that's where you are, if you ever have to be contacted (for your own safety -- why else?). The cards would replace your school or work ID; printed on the card will be your occupation and rank, "conveniently" eliminating all need for work-centered identifications.

In fact, on every ID card would be printed one's full name, date of birth, social security number, family members' names, occupation, social class, and religion. Upon being scanned by an Agent of Freedom, much more information was available on said Agent's handheld Freebase.

The worst part was that most people didn't see what was wrong with this. They thought it was necessary, good even. If someone objected, it was because they had a reason. A bad reason. They must be doing something bad that they don't want America to know about.

Elle rubbed her head. She didn't know what to do. Her friend wasn't the only one; people like this were everywhere. She just couldn't get them to see sense. God, she had to do something.

But, first, her psychology homework.

Hey there Muffin! Welcome to YWS! :] I'm SporkPunk and I'll review this today. Since your chapter is short, I'm going to go line-by-line to make sure I'm as thorough as possible. Pink (red is too harsh!) font is for technical errors, green is for potential word choice change, and purple is my commentary. Ready? Alright.

"Jeez, I can't believe it," Elle said. "We might as well live in China! ID cards, Jesus." She shook her head at her TV. Well, in the US, we already have those; they're either our licenses or social security cards. THOSE are IDs. I think maybe in order for this to have more impact you might want to say they're RFID IDs which is actually a scary thought. (RFIDs act like tracking tags.)

"What?" Francie said. "It'll help us catch the bad guys!"

"And the government will know where we all are, all the time. Privacy is just gone."

"What do you have to hide? What, are you a terrorist?" Francie poked Elle in the side playfully.

"I don't have to have anything to hide, that's the thing! I could be picking my nose, or doing my homework! If I want to be doing it in private, I get to be doing it in private. That's what a free country is."

"A free country is a place where you don't have to worry about being blown up. Hard times come for drastic measures, Ellie. This wouldn't be necessary if the danger wasn't real."

" 'Come for'…never mind." Elle shook her head. "The danger isn't real, that's the thing! How many people have died due to terrorist activity since the Harbor happened?"

"I dunno…."

"None."

"Well, of course some have, silly! Or why would everybody be agreeing to this?"

"…Yes, that's exactly what you'd think, isn't it?"

"Whatever. I have to go bake the cookies for the bake sale. Ta!" And Francie left. <--That exit is just so random. If you expand a bit it won't be so strange.

It was getting worse. President Slinger* Suggestions I have: Knox, Bourne, Miller, Shepherd, Keeler, Harris, Marshall, hope these help. kept calling for more and more changes, all of them bad. America was turning into a police state. It had just been announced that all citizens five years old and up had to sign up for ID cards, which were required to be carried at all times. Checkpoints had become a regular part of life, and coming into effect in the next week, every hour, citizens had to use their ID cards to update their locations in the Freebase of America, a computer database with a unit present at every location.

The units looked kind of like the things at supermarkets you swipe your credit cards in. You swipe your ID card, and America knows that's where you are, if you ever have to be contacted (for your own safety -- why else?). The cards would replace your school or work ID; printed on the card will be your occupation and rank, "conveniently" eliminating all need for work-centered identifications.

In fact, on every ID card would be printed one's full name, date of birth, social security number, family members' names, occupation, social class, and religion. Upon being scanned by an Agent of Freedom, much more information was available on said Agent's handheld Freebase. You might want to develop the "social class" thing. The US as we know it is actually quite socially mobile. Also, a handheld freebase sounds quite unrealistic, like, I don't think they'd trust such information to be that mobile. What if a terrorist gets a hold of it? That's counterproductive.

The worst part was that most people didn't see what was wrong with this. They thought it was necessary, good even. If someone objected, it was because they had a reason. A bad reason. They must be doing something bad that they don't want America to know about.

Elle rubbed her head. She didn't know what to do. Her friend wasn't the only one; people like this were everywhere. She just couldn't get them to see sense. God, she had to do something.

But, first, her psychology homework.

I couldn't find anything grammatically wrong, but I'm sure the next reviewer will catch it. I think this could be a good story, very topical and relevant. But you'd have to do a bit of research in order for it to be believable. I think a good start would be checking out "Little Brother" by Cory Doctorow.

Good luck with this!

Sporks

I have read that. I loved the heck out of it. I keep recommending it to friends but they never get to it, you know what I mean. (But of course I've done the same thing to them.)

Cool review, thanks. I am planning on expanding those in later chapters. I was coming up with this as I wrote it as a way to try to deal with the fact that before I even start writing, I plan an idea until it just dies. The ID card thing, I meant like an ID-card-you-have-cus-you're-a-citizen-that-you-use-to-identify-yourself-at-every-step-like-the-multipass-in-The-Fifth-Element--type thing. You only need your licence to drive, you only need your social security card for the number on it. But thanks, I'll keep that in mind, try to make it, like...scarier. I see what you mean.

Handheld thingy thing, good point. I thought that idea was kinda eehh even when I came up with it, so I'm not sure what I wanna do with it.... Like, I like the idea, but then when I try to apply it, it comes out like it just did with the problems that you just listed. So I'm gonna try to figure that out. Thanks for pointing out that it's not just me thinking that was awkward.

My point with making Francie exit that way is that Francie is just the type of person to be that way. But I guess that didn't come off that way because there was so little before it? It makes sense to me, because I know what they'd been doing before the chapter started, but of course that doesn't count. (I'm totally new to writing and trying to make it work.)

I like the idea of this, but you need to expand on your characterization - we don't see too much about who these people are. We don't know what they look like, for one, and beyond that one's a free-thinker and the other, well, isn't, we know nothing about them. The world is important, yes, but people have to care about your characters before they'll be interested in the world you're presenting. Therefore, this chapter comes off as too dry to really catch a reader's interest. The police state idea has been done before - what makes your version of it different?
Another problem is that you push the setting too hard - we're given things point blank, told without being shown. Remember that rule? It'll help improve your story a lot.

My suggestion is to add in more about the characters, then show the readers how paranoid this America has become through their actions - they mean more than words, after all. It's a great idea, and I hope that you develop it further! :'D

Welcome! I'm rather new as well, and have the same problems of sitting down and actually writing a whole novel. Mine usually ends up in pieces on the computer, never to be touched again. So, here is my review, which is only my third so hopefully I'm getting the hang of it...its also rather short, as I don't have much to add on. I liked it though, so I wanted to let you know that!

I like the concept, for sure. I agree with LaBelletrist on the characterization. I feel nothing for your characters, to be honest. The world sounds somewhat interesting, but its a world others before you have done in different ways. I think if I knew the freethinker more I'd want to find out what she's planning to do.

The worst part was that most people didn't see what was wrong with this. They thought it was necessary, good even. If someone objected, it was because they had a reason. A bad reason. They must be doing something bad that they don't want America to know about.

This bothers me for some reason? I don't know, maybe the repetition of bad. Perhaps saying "A bad reason." then using a synonym of bad for what they are doing? Really, it may just be me, but it sounds funny to me when I read it and made me go back and read it again to see what was up.

Otherwise, it definitely has potential with the right research (facts would be a big thing to keep straight in this type of story) and more showing. My creative writing teacher always said "Show, show, show!". Good luck with it, I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for more.

--- Also meant to say I love the last sentence.