Guardian Angel Part Two

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Peter's ten year old brother, James' life was in the balance a few months ago when Peter wrecked his car. Peter, guilt-ridden, is followed by a red haired mystery woman, Mary, who turns out to have been the cause of the accident. Another mysterious figure named Grim appears to Mary and reveals that she still has to kill Peter... What is Mary? How are Peter and James? Find out.

I started this story a long time ago. I've decided to finish it now that I'm sifting through the piles of stories I have lying everywhere.
Didn't read Part One?


Mary leaned against a sporty yellow car of the girl that had been mooning over Peter and studied the high schoolers pouring out of the red bricked building reeking of academics. She had made a big mistake. She had realized it somewhere between the blur of sleepless nights. She had gotten attached, not just to Peter but to the whole damn family, and now she was running out of time...
When James had taken a turn for the worst, she had been there, breathing life into him as the nurses scrambled around the bed, unaware of her presence. She had stayed Peter's hand a few times. The razor blade incident, the panicked search for his father's gun, the buying of rope, the brush up with a drug dealer. She had even made Peter's mother call a taxi instead of driving home from a bar.
She wasn't supposed to do this, but she could.
Now James was recovering at home. Peter was gaining health too at a much slower pace. She had even caught the older boy smiling the other day.
Smiling as she found Peter in the middle of the crowd, Mary moved away from the car and sauntered towards his new car as the owner got into the yellow one. The beauty of rich parents, she guessed.
He nodded to his posse in farewell and grimaced as he turned away.
She slid into the passenger seat and rolled her eyes. The afternoon sun reflected off his shiny black hair that was quickly becoming unkempt. She jumped as he turned the key and made the roof of his car lower.
It was late March. A nice breeze ruffled her hair. The perfect conditions for riding with the top down.
The radio began to blare as he pulled out of the parking lot. She turned it down without thinking and froze when he glanced in her direction.
A smile tugged at the corner of his lips, but he said nothing. He watched the speedometer rise above the speed limit but didn't touch the brake. When she did nothing, he unbuckled his seat belt.
Mary watched the needle as well. Eighty, eighty-five, ninety- She slipped from her seat and reached over the console and his right leg, stretching to reach the brake. As her fingers pressed it just enough to make a slight difference, Peter let up on the gas, and she realized she had been set up.
“Becoming a bit overprotective, don't you think?” he asked and laughed. “I knew something was off when all my suicide attempts failed.” He spoke easily, but his eyes darkened at the thought of those darker days.
“Lucky,” she replied, taken in by the expressions flickering across his face.
“Some would say so...” He took his eyes from the road to see if she had appeared and glanced back to the road, disappointed. “I like to think I have a conflicted angel on my side.” He looked in her direction again and sighed, “I know you're there.”
She materialized and smiled softly.
“I knew it was miraculous when mom left her little car on that bad side of town.” He pulled over onto the shoulder and studied her. “What are you?” he asked, unrepulsed.
She took hope in that. “I... don't know.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Then what do you know?”
She cleared her throat. “I'm a bringer of death. We exist on your plane, but we're aware of other planes.”
His brow wrinkled. “You've been doing the opposite of bringing death lately.”
She nodded, realizing his green eyes held no anger. “That's breaking the rules.”
He looked blindly across the road. “Why?”
A mist of black flashed around the car.
Mary's throat constricted. “Peter...”
He turned his head. “Hmm?”
Grim's sallow face appeared in her window, teeth uncovered in a gruesome smile, eyes wild with the chase.
Mary screamed. She jumped over to Peter, covering him with her body, and whispered into his ear as the car rolled onto the road in front of a eighteen-wheeler, “I love you.”
. . .
Mary watched silently as Peter's cold body was uncovered for his mother to identify. She watched his mother nod stonily and walk out of the morgue without shedding a tear. She listened to the conversation over the phone, the empty tone of her voice, the disbelieving one of Peter's father. She watched James shake his head in horror and run away from his mother's dead eyes. She held him in his bed, giving him comfort though he didn't know of her presence. She sang a lullaby as he fell into a disturbed sleep and cried.
She watched the funeral from a hill overlooking his grave. She watched his mother burst out into fake tears and moved down to James to give him a sympathetic touch on the shoulder. She listened to the whispers of the crowd. “...Much to young...” “...Never should have been given that second car...” She pressed a kiss to James' cheek, trying to ease his mind. She watched them all abandon Peter. She wouldn't. She knelt at his gravestone and cried some more.
She felt the sun on the back of her head. There was a nice breeze. It was the end of March, perfect conditions for a ride with the top down.
A hand fell on her shoulder.
“Grim,” she managed, “go to hell. This is unnatural.” She felt someone squat beside her and brush her hair out of her face.
“It's not so bad, Mary.”
She looked up and stared in confusion.
There was Peter with his unkempt hair and bright green eyes, dressed shining white clothes.
“I mean, it was just an accident. Right?” His eyes met hers, and he rose, offering his hand. “Want to come?”
“Where?” she whispered.
He smiled. “Come on. You'll like it.” He helped her up and waved his hand to the angel praying over his grave.
The angel's hands opened, revealing an expanse of bright whiteness.
Peter looked at Mary again and motioned toward the portal. “Ladies first.”
Last edited by megsug on Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:00 am, edited 4 times in total.
Test




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1817
Reviews 82
Spoiler
Mary leaned against a yellow car Just a yellow car? Be much more specific. Her yellow car? and studied the highschoolers high schoolers (space) pouring out of the Once again, if you can, be much more specific. Maybe give this building a name? building. She had made a big mistake; (semicolon) she had realized this somewhere between the ablur of sleepless nights. She had gotten attached, not just to Peter but to the whole damn family, and now she was running out of time... Whooh I like this!! Good suspense. Really hooks the reader on the story.

When James had taken a turn for the worst, she had been there, breathing life into him as the nurses scrambled around the bed, (comma) unaware of her presence. She had stayed stroked/touched Peter's hand a few times now. The razor blade incident, the panicked search for his father's gun, the buying of rope, and the brush up with a drug dealer. She had even made Peter's mother call a taxi instead of driving home from a bar. Huh? Your tenses change throughout this paragraph, and it's rather confusing. I don't understand what has happened... that's probably the point to this nostalgia, but change the tenses around so the reader knows that it is either all in the past or all in the present.

She wasn't supposed to do this, but she could.

Now James was recovering at home. Peter was gaining health with him at a much slower pace. She had even caught him Which one? James or Peter? smiling the other day.

Smiling as she found Peter in the middle of the crowd, Mary moved away from the car as some girl got into it and sauntered towards his new car. The beauty of rich parents, she guessed. She got into the car and then sauntered towards his new car...?

He nodded to his posse in farewell and grimaced as he turned away.

She sat slid into the passenger seat and rolled her eyes. She watched him sit at the wheel and turn the car on. The afternoon sun reflected off his shiny black hair that was quickly becoming unkempt. She jumped as he turned the key and made the roof of his car lower.

It was late March. A nice breeze ruffled her hair. The perfect conditions for riding with the top down.

The radio began to blare as he pulled out of the parking lot. She turned it down without thinking and froze when he glanced in her direction.

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips, but he said nothing. He watched the speedometer rise above the speed limit but didn't touch the brake. When she did nothing, he unbuckled his seat belt.

Mary watched the needle as well. Eighty, eighty-five, ninety... she slipped from her seat and reached over the console and his right leg, stretching to reach the brake. As her fingers pressed the brake it just enough to make a slight difference, Peter let up on the gas, and she realized she had walked into a trap. She did?


In the spoiler is Part Uno of my review. My mother is making me get off of the computer so just PM me or write on my wall if you want me to review the rest.

This is a beautiful piece. I didn't understand it at first, probably because I hadn't read Part 1 yet. I got a very clear sense of the plot by the end, and it was very enjoyable to read! Keep writing! (:

Taylor
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1817
Reviews 82
Spoiler
“Becoming a bit overprotective, don't you think?” he asked and laughed. “I knew something was off when I could seem to take my life one single time.” Huh? This sentance is oddly worded. Please reword. (: He spoke of it easily, but his eyes darkened at the thought.

“Lucky,” she replied, taken in by the expressions flickering across his face. I like this. You talk about his expressions a lot, maybe talk about her feelings a little bit?

“Some would say so...” He took his eyes from the road to see if she had appeared and was disappointed. “I like to think I have a conflicted angel on my side.” He looked in her direction again and sighed, “I know you're there.” You already said that he tore his eyes from the road to look at her. Either he just looks at her or he keeps glancing to see if she has appeared at any given time.

She materialized and smiled softly.

“I knew it was miraculous when Mom left her little car on that bad side of town.” He pulled over where? and studied her. He didn't seem repulsed when he asked, "What are you?".

She took hope in that. “I... don't know.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Then what do you do know?”

She cleared her throat. “I'm a bringer of death. We exist on your plane, but we're aware of others.” Other people, or other planes?

His brow wrinkled. “You've been doing the opposite of bringing death lately.”

She nodded, realizing his green eyes held no anger. “That's breaking the rules.”

He looked blindly across the road. “Why?” He's driving again? When did this happen?

A mist of black flashed around the car.

Mary's throat constricted. “Peter...”

He turned his head. “Hmm?”

Grim's sallow face appeared in her window, teeth uncovered in a gruesome smile, eyes wild with the chase.

Mary screamed. She jumped over to Peter, covering him with her body, and whispered into his ear as the car rolled onto the road in front of a eighteen-wheeler, “I love you.” O.o GAME CHANGER! I love this!!!! Grim comes and kills him, and we finally realize what's going on between Mary and Peter? Ooooh! Read on! (:

. . .

Mary watched silently as Peter's cold body was uncovered for his mother to identify. She watched his mother nod stonily and walk out of the morgue without shedding a tear. She listened to the her conversation over the phone, the empty tone of her voice, and the disbelieving one of Peter's father. She watched James shake his head in horror and run away from his mother's dead eyes. She held him in his bed, giving him comfort though he didn't know of her presence. She sang a lullaby as he fell into a disturbed sleep and cried. This is also a little vague. We go from his mother in the morgue talking to his father to James running away? This is probably just me. Don't change it right now, but if another comments on it, then you know what to do! (:

She watched the funeral from a hill overlooking his grave. She watched his mother burst out into fake tears and moved move down to James to give him a sympathetic touch on the shoulder. She listened to the whispers of the crowd, “...much too young...” and “...never should have been given that second car...”

She pressed a kiss to James' cheek, trying to ease his mind. She watched them all abandon Peter. She wouldn't. She knelt at his gravestone and cried some more.

She felt the sun on the back of her head. There was a nice breeze. It was the end of March, perfect conditions for a ride with the top down.

A hand fell on her shoulder.

“Grim,” she managed, “go to hell. This is unnatural.” She felt someone squat beside her and brush her hair out of her face. I love this! You are such an amazing writer! I enjoy how Grim just pops up at the worst of times!!!!!

“It's not so bad, Mary.”

She looked up and gasped.

There was Peter with his unkempt hair and bright green eyes, dressed in shining white clothes.

“I mean, it was just an accident. Right?” His eyes met hers, and he rose, offering his hand. “Want to come?”

“Where?” she whispered.

He smiled. “Come on. You'll like it.” He helped her up and waved his hand to the angel praying over his grave.

The angel's hands opened, revealing an expanse of bright whiteness.

Peter looked at Mary again and motioned toward the portal. “Ladies first.”



Part Dos! Please... keep writing.

Please.

Please?!

You are amazing.
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.



Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain