Dragonmaster Prologue *REVISED*

Katherine screamed. Horror filled her as she stumbled to the floor, clutching at a large misshapen bundle. How? How could this be happening to her?
Lightening shattered the night sky, which moments before had been clear and bright with thousands of tiny stars blinking innocently. The cloaked man neared her, his delicate face contorted in rage.
“No! Kar, please don’t hurt them,” Katherine pleaded, hating her weakened body as she struggled to remain conscious.
“Don’t. Ever. Call. Me. That!” the man shrieked. The woman rose wearily to her feet, shivering from exertion.
“What do you mean!” she begged, a sob wracking her body.
“You fool, Kat. I’m surprised you didn’t know by now,” the man sneered.
Katherine’s vision blurred, she felt like vomiting. Ever since her husband had entered their modest home that night, full of an alien rage and hate, she had known. She only hoped she had been wrong.
His laugh filled the room, hysterical and crazed. Pulling the heavy cloak down over his young face, his voice suddenly deepened and the evil laugh died away. He seemed taller now, somehow changed.
Katherine gasped in horror as he yanked the cloak from his face, revealing a much older man than Kar. Long black hair framed his sharp-boned face with its pale blue eyes and pasty white skin.
“Pretty good transformation, eh, Kat?” The man chuckled, deep and sinister.
Katherine’s horror was evident in her face. “How?” she whispered, feigning fear and bewilderment.
Katherine wasn’t stupid; she knew she had minutes, if not seconds to protect the two babies cradled in her arms. She knew now that the man that stood before her was Gazenlag, the most powerful wizard in the Diamond Rhombus. She cursed herself for falling for his trickery.
The man’s words rushed over her, and as she had hoped, his pride took hold. He started in great detail describing his sick plan to win Katherine over. He had chosen Katherine because of how powerful a Witch she was. And in doing so, he had underestimated her.
She could see it in her mind’s eye, the small rickety hut she had grown up in. She probed it with her mind. Good, the enchantments were still in place. But was her mother’s magic strong enough to hide them from Gazenlag? Katherine knew she had no other choice.
Closing her eyes, Katherine gathered her magic to her, feeling the strain on her weakened body. The fact that she had to shield the presence of her magic from Gazenlag did not help the situation. As she worked the magic, she couldn’t help but wonder if her daughters would one day grow to hate her, for they would never lead normal lives, not after this. So be it. She would do everything in her power to protect them from the beast before her and the danger that would be lurking for them everywhere.
Katherine could feel the newborns awaken at the powerful magic that engulfed them. They would have to leave together. If she managed to get them away but in turn died herself, they would also die, abandoned and alone in a small cabin that didn’t exist. Katherine shivered at the thought.
Gazenlag paused for a moment. Something had changed. Katherine held her breath, had he noticed? The magic had slipped, just for a split second it had slipped and he had felt it.
“I need a son, Kat, not two worthless daughters! Not to mention that one is a blue-blood!” he hissed savagely, nearing her. “So these creatures[i] will have to be… taken care of, so to speak.” He reached out to touch the bundle and Kat cringed away from him.
“Don’t touch them!” she screamed, wishing the magic would come quicker. If only she wasn’t so weak…if only she had more time.
“Fool! You know too much. There are others as blind as you, Kat. I don’t need you anymore-”
Gazenlag stopped his rant as the woman before him [i]flickered[i]. It took him mere seconds to realize what was happening but by then, it was too late. Katherine vanished without so much as a whisper.
Gazenlag’s scream of rage tore at the night, causing the Diamond Rhombus to shake on its axis as the whole universe trembled at the dark magic that surged through it like fire.







Storm clouds rumbled overhead as the weary grey unicorn trudged onward. The cloaked woman driving the small carriage that led the tiny caravan paused to gaze at the torrents of rain as they fell to the mud encrusted ground. A quick gust of wind blew the rain towards the woman, causing her to pull her cloak closer while whispering curses beneath her breath.
Suddenly a small boy poked his head from between the tattered curtains covering the entrance into the wagons interior. He shook his damp blonde hair and peered dubiously up at the driver.
“Karsh . . . when will all this end? Something isn't right and it's making me uneasy . . . my stomach hurts,” the boy complained, his pale gaze shifting to watch the blustering rain.
Karshina glanced down at her brother, worry showing in her grey eyes. “I'm unsure, Tay, very unsure. This storm couldn’t be felt even minutes before it came upon us.”
Tay frowned, glaring at his sister. “You're the Weather Witch, shouldn't you [i]know[i]!” he demanded testily, his raw stomach causing him to anger quickly.
Karshina didn’t answer him; her attention stolen as she noticed an approaching figure in the blackness of the storm. Cautiously she drew the unicorn to a halt.
“This isn't the weather, Tay, this is magic . . . evil and foul magic. I'm not sure who is causing this, but I pity the poor soul that this magic was directed at.” Karsh couldn’t help but shudder under the intensity of the backlash from the magic.
“Someone is quite angry at someone else and they're letting the whole Diamond Rhombus know-” Karsh quieted as the figure on the road drew closer.
The newcomer was wearing a thoroughly drenched brown cloak draped over his shoulders and his brown hair was plastered to his head. He stumbled towards them on a gnarled walking-stick, not at all befitting of his age.
Wearily Karshina waited for the stranger to near their cart, frustration filling her when she heard the confused yells from the wagons behind her. The man drew to a halt as he came to stand beside the wagon’s bench. He watched Karsh for a moment, his brown gaze searching her before they turned to stare almost hungrily at Tay.
“A lone traveler should not be abroad in times like these,” Karsh hissed tersely, her normal tolerance worn thin by the unease the storm had caused within her. The man bowed his head respectfully before speaking.
“It was not I, Gypsy, who chose to wander about aimlessly in this magic for my own pleasure. I was sent . . . sent to you and the other gypsies to warn you.” The man’s voice was gentle and yet commanding. Karsh's brow rose slightly, she was not one to be easily bossed around. Tay on the other hand seemed undaunted as he watched the man closely.
“You wouldn't happen to have any food on you by chance, now would you?” he quipped hopefully.
The man smiled, laughter playing in his eyes. “Ah, a kindred spirit I see.” He seemed intrigued with the young boy and Karsh scowled wearily. “A man such as myself is always prepared. By the way, my name is Gullen.” He bowed slightly, further annoying Karsh by his formality.
“If I may ask,” Gullen stated, glancing back at the waiting caravan skeptically, “would it be too much trouble if I took shelter in your wagon for a brief time so that you may journey on and not keep your caravan angrily idling?”
Karsh frowned, reluctantly giving in to the travelers offer.
“I suppose. Climb in,” her gaze darkened, “but you had better not be lying about this message. The gypsies don't take kindly to those sorts of rascals. You can stay until you're dry and the message is delivered, then you must leave,” Karsh spoke forcefully, conveying that she meant business, nothing more.
Gullen nodded, his eyes again searching hers, making her feel uncomfortably exposed. “Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate this.”
She offered Gullen a hand and helped him to the bench. “I’m Karshina and this is Taymond, my brother.” Giving him a last warning glare, she moved to allow Gullen entrance into their small wagon. As he slid past the young witch she grabbed at his cloak angrily.
“I’ll kill you if you if you so much as lay a finger on that boy, don’t think I didn’t see the way you looked at him,” she hissed savagely, her interest in receiving the message the stranger had brought and concern for her brother at war in her mind.
Gullen chuckled quietly. “Peace, Karshina. I am not here to hurt your brother,” his voice was reassuring and Karsh relaxed slightly. “Though he does fascinate me,” the man added, slipping away from Karsh and into the wooden chamber behind her.
Clicking her tongue, Karsh urged the grey unicorn on and the caravan began to creak forward once more. She turned swiftly and pulled the curtain aside to see Tay sitting across from the stranger, helping him strip the soggy clothes from his body. Karsh sighed and turned to face the road, allowing Gullen privacy before she learned the mysteries the man had brought to reveal.
Karsh watched the sky as it writhed fitfully, storm clouds scudding across it. She was intrigued by what power this unknown person held over the universe.
“It’s amazing, Ornica, just look at what this person has done!” Karsh whispered to the old unicorn, her captivated gaze lingering on the sky.
“Karsh, you can join us now,” Tay's small voice summoned his sister a few minutes later and she hitched up the reins, trusting the old mare to lead them safely along for a time.
She found Gullen wrapped in an old blue robe and busily towel drying his shoulder length hair. He looked up and offered a broad smile as the young woman pulled her cloak off, revealing her fine boned features and pale blonde hair. Other than being five years her brothers elder, the pair could have passed for twins.
“Very well, Gullen, I can't leave the mare unguided the rest of the day. Let’s have it out so I can return to my post-”
“But what about the food?” Karsh was interrupted by Tay's nagging voice as he attempted to glare at his sister. “Gullen said he had food! And I'm hungry!” he pouted sullenly. Both Gullen and Karsh shook their heads.
“Your sister’s right, Tay, I'll let you eat after she hears what I've come to tell you.” Gullen spoke sternly and Tay nodded glumly.
“I was sent by a certain . . . [i]discreet agency, one of which concerns . . . well the writing of prophecies-”
“So they're dishonest trouble makers you mean?” Karsh demanded angrily, interrupting Gullen. “All prophecies do are steal away a normal life from someone, just because of a bunch of stupid words some nobody thought up. I don't believe in prophecy . . . and I never will,” Karsh growled lowly.
Gullen looked slightly taken aback by Karsh's sudden anger and she was startled when she felt the need to explain her brash actions to the stranger.
“Our parents… why do you think two kids are leading this caravan? They abandoned us years ago, when Tay was just a baby. They told me it was for our own good and that we would grow up strong. It wasn’t until years later that our Healer told me the truth… our parents abandoned us to seek after a prophecy they were certain was about them.
“You had best leave- I don’t want to hear anymore.” Karsh’s voice had grown soft and her eyes distant.
“I’m sorry,” Gullen offered gently before continuing on, despite Karsh’s request. “I was sent to inform you about the origin of this storm. There is a certain powerful wizard, a particularly nasty one if I do say so myself, that has been causing Schlect quite a few problems as of late. His name is Gazenlag.”
Karsh glared at the man. “Yeah, the King’s Royal Magician, old news.”
Gullen ignored the comment as he continued. “It is said that he is working for a dark master but I'm not sure how reliable our source is on that matter or if it is even true. It is rumored that this wizard has a dragon.” He paused when his two listeners portrayed no sign of astonishment. Karsh sniffed, obviously annoyed by the man’s determination.
“Pardon our unenthusiastic reactions, Gullen, but it isn’t all that uncommon for wizards to have a Dragonstone and a Dragon to aid them in their work,” Karsh snapped, furiously pulling her hair into a knot on top of her head.
Gullen raised his brow, amused by Karsh’s antics. “No, you see this man, he isn't just befriended to a Dragon, he’s bonded to one. Their souls are bound together as one. And it’s not just any dragon. It has been said that this dragon is a Western Dragon.”
At last Gullen got the response he had hoped for. Both Karsh and Tay stared at him, shock filling their delicate faces as the pair shook their heads in astonishment.
“That's impossible, the Dragons died out long ago. All that remains are the Wild Dragons; their smaller cousins . . . it is impossible, isn't it?” Tay asked, fascination filling his voice.
“I believe these rumors to be true; that the Dragons are destined to arise once more to grace the Diamond Rhombus. I believe though, that this man, this Gazenlag, is posing a threat to their comeback. He wishes only to use these magnificent beings for his own selfishness.” Gullen's eyes shifted to Tay again.
“A prophecy arose long ago; it was written by my ancestors of old. It speaks of this event, of the return of the Dragons. But it too speaks of a boy who must fight alongside the Dragons in an attempt to preserve them. This boy in essence will save the Dragonkind and become their friend . . . and their master.”
“Impossible…” Tay murmured, amazement shining in his innocent eyes. Gullen smiled, obviously pleased by the boys reaction.
“It is said that the boy will be born from a dragons dying wish and will wield the largest amount of power ever known to the Diamond Rhombus, for the Dragons shall bestow upon him their own magic-”
Karsh scoffed in disgust but allowed Gullen to continue.
“This storm that we're witnessing is no ordinary storm, I assume you both already know. It is the wrath of Gazenlag. By certain powerful Witches and Wizards that the Guild has at their disposal, I've come to learn that Gazenlag has had children born to him very recently. Something about those children, it is believed that they were twin girls, has angered the wizard greatly. It is unknown if the children or mother survived his violent act of rage.” Gullen paused, his gaze settling on Karsh. She had grown very still, her gaze distant as she mulled over his words.
“And why does this concern us?” Tay asked quietly, his wide eyes staring at the man, fascination filling them.
Gullen turned to Tay with an expression of awe. “I believe the children still live, and that they need to be protected from their father and in time, they are vital to the foretold returning of the Dragonkind. It is my understanding that this person the prophecy speaks of and Gazenlag’s daughters are somehow linked inseparably to the Prophecy.
“I believe too, Tay, that you are the boy this prophecy has spoken of. This is your destiny, Tay, to become the Dragonmaster. I believe that you will need the guidance of both magic and sword tutors if you are to fulfill the coming times of the prophecy. You will need our help.”
Tay sat open mouthed across from Gullen, staring at the man in wonderment as he shook his head in disbelief.
“You're joking right?!” he asked tentatively, almost knowing it was too good to be true.
“Of course he is, Tay. You’re a gypsy. Gypsies’ have never interfered in the matters of Dragons and that has been the way of life since before time. This man obviously doesn't know what he's talking about,” she growled angrily.
Gullen rounded on her. “Karshina! I am a Prophecy Weaver. The Guild I come from has written prophecies since time began and it is our duty to see that the ones written by our ancestors are fulfilled. Never, except on the occasion of death to the chosen one, have we deciphered a Prophecy in error-”
“How can you be sure!?” Karsh hid her face in her hands as hot tears stung her eyes. “How can you be sure you’re not taking him away to his doom?” she sobbed quietly.
Gullen rose and came to sit next to the distraught woman. “You’re going to have to trust me, Karsh.”
She looked up searchingly into his gaze. “Promise me,” she hissed, “promise me you went over the prophecy accurately, you went over the charts a thousand times, promise me there is no room for doubt, that this boy is who you seek!”
And for the first time Gullen hesitated. His thoughts returned to a few days prior, before the storm had begun, before he had been sent to retrieve the boy Tay, before, when he had been no more than a humble scribe to his Master.
There had been many warnings that the prophecy was soon to be at hand and the Guild Keeper had deciphered that the child, the chosen one, had been born a day before the storm had been awoken. But then there had been Gordon.
Gullen had always admired the old Prophecy Weaver. He had been different than the others; more mysterious, but Gullen suspected that was because he was more in tune with the workings of the universe. He had always been secretive, a man of few words… but at the gathering when the Guild Keeper had announced the birth of the chosen one, Gordon had intervened, bringing to light the mistakes of the charts and the maps and everything they had worked on concerning this prophecy. He had revealed that the chosen one was actually a boy of some years, not a newborn.
After the Guild had reviewed Gordon’s work they found him to be correct and Gullen had been elected to go and retrieved the boy. Had he had doubts? Of course. How could one man be right and hundreds of years and research be wrong? How could this boy be a gypsy, when as Karsh had pointed out, they had never associated with dragons before?
Gullen stared into Karsh’s eyes. “I promise you, Tay is the child the prophecy has spoken of. He is the dawn of a new era, an era where dragons and mankind will live together in unison.”
At last Karsh nodded, turning to gaze at Tay. He seemed so ecstatic, so hopeful. She just hoped that Gullen was right and this wasn’t a huge mistake. And despite Karsh's unbelief, as Gullen had foretold, the ancient prophecy; had begun.



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Hallo, there! ^_^ I will be your reviewer today. =)

I like it!! =D I did notice a few grammar mistakes, but not many! I also have a few suggestions to make this even better, so here we go ^_^

paused to look at the torrents of rain as they fell to the mud encrusted earth.

I think a word other than 'look' would be great here. You're using a really strong word-torrent- and then, she's just... looking at it. A stronger word would fit better here. =) How about gaze, or maybe even glower at.

I've gotta run now, but I WILL be back to continue!! I LOVED the plot, and the idea behind it. Very well written as well!

Thanks:) I love suggestions! Improvment is one of the goals of posting here!
~DakotaK

Wow. This is like one of those books that I pick up because it looks interesting, and I can't put it down until I stop reading it! This is an amazing start to the story!

Okay, back! ^_^

“You're the weather which, witch =) Easy mistake! shouldn't you know!?”

[quoteThe sky seemed to writhe fitfully as the storm clouds scudded across it, as if hurried to a distant destination.][/quote] I LOVE this sentence!! =D

Gullen nodded his head , understanding.

I believe though, that this man, that this. You accidentally switched tenses here- which is easy to do. Gazenlag

"for the Dragon’s shall bless him with their own magic.” No apostrophe in Dragons

Aaand that's all I picked up on! Most likely because that's all there was to pick up on ^_^ Really great story you've got going here!!

Cheers! And keep writing!!

~The Scratt

Thank you for the reviews:) They're quite helpful and encouraging.
~DakotaK

An exellent prologue. It pulls you in, and gets you hooked. I like the fact that Gullen made a mistake. Mages and mysterious organizations are normally to be all knowing in storys like this. We have a tendency to forget the fact that they're human too when we portray that type of character.

I'm a little confused with the circumstances around the girls, you made it seem like one of Gazenlag's enemies tried to kill them. You should probably rewrite that paragraph. And Instead of just telling us about the boy, you should make it more of a scene. Otherwise we end up feeling more of a connection with Tay then with the baby boy.

All in all though, I think it's a solid start to the story and I can't wait to read more.

you've definitely got something going on here. I really liked the way that the dialog was worded, because it seemed really natural. Characters were well described and seem to have good personalities so far, which is always a good thing. I'd say keep writing and I'll try to look form ore.

Before I get into the review proper, a couple of things:

Why is there a prologue in the first place? Is it absolutely necessary to understand the story? If so, it may be better to make it the first chapter as some readers have a habit of skipping prologues, unless the tone, characters, or other major element of it sets it strongly apart from the rest of the story.

One example of excellent use of a prologue can be found in George R.R. Martin's epic fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire. Each book within the series so far contains a prologue, and each prologue could stand perfectly well as a chapter, except that the viewpoint character of the prologue is different from the viewpoint characters in the rest of the book, and is never seen again as a viewpoint character. Because of this difference in viewpoint, it makes sense to set apart this first section of the story somehow, which is why they work as a prologue.

Skimming over the text quickly, I noticed that you tend to apostrophe your plurals, which is incorrect. Little mistakes like that, consistently repeated throughout a piece, can be a major detractor, especially when it's such a basic error.

Storm clouds rumbled overhead while the cart’s wooden wheels clacked against the gravel, spewing mud to either side of the road as the weary grey unicorn trudged onward.

As far as first sentences go, this is rather long, rambling, and not very interesting. You've got so many details crammed into one sentence, and while I have nothing against long sentences (goodness knows I use them perhaps a bit too much myself), the first sentence of a work should grab the reader's attention so that they want to be fed more details; not feed the reader details before their attention has been grabbed. Too many details can deter a reader, and this sentence feels to me like it contains far too many details without them being particularly interesting because I have yet to acquire a reason to be interested.

This lack of interest isn't dissipated by the overflow of rather common (and therefore bland) words. You do make an effort to use more active, vivid verbs like "rumbled", "clacked", "spewing", and "trudged", but some of them are not as well-used as they should be ("spewed"; "sloshed" would be better and make more sense in my opinion), and the supporting descriptive words are not as strong, so the overall effect is rather nondescript.

Because the descriptions thus far are uninteresting, they feel like padding that could be cut out for the better, with some core details being elaborated on.

in essence leading the tiny caravan

In addition to the bunches of details, extraneous phrases like "in essence" further bog down your prose, which makes for a very slow and drawn-out start in the not-good way. I suggest going through and paring down your sentences to their barest essences, including only the most absolutely necessary details, before going back and elaborating or otherwise strengthening those descriptions. The more concise your prose is, the more you can say with fewer words, which means you can cut to the chase more quickly without being any less vivid or descriptive.

Reading on, this entire prologue struggles with concision and vividness, and while you don't go the route of way too much description period, because of how bland your descriptions are at the moment, they feel like too much even though there's actually not much being really described.

Two other main issues plagued this prologue: a lack of characterization, and jumping around in ideas.

Even though we spent the bulk of the chapter with her, I have no real concept of Karshina as a person. Her rant about prophecies felt contrived, as if it were only there just to try and infuse some conflict into this section, the three's meeting and introduction felt stiff, and the other two's characterization was barely even broached. Of all the characters, Tay's was the most developed, and that was only because you described his actions the most of the three.

Basically, you spent so much time describing the scenery and the characters' clothing that you spent hardly any time describing their actions or tone of voice, and when you did, you relied almost wholly on adverbs. As the latter descriptions are what make a character distinct from the mess of other characters in other stories, the lack of them really hurts your characterization. Combined with the inconsistencies within the dialogue (Karsh starts out formal in tone, but she slips back and forth between formal and informal without any apparent reason), and you've got a rather inconsistent and vague portrait of each of the characters so far.

Focus more on describing your character's actions and interactions rather than just the scenery or appearances. For example, what indicates to Karsh that Gullen is asking to dry off "modestly"? Is it the tone of his voice? How about his posture? Is it the expression on his face? There's no need to go into great detail about the indicator, but having the indicator as a key detail would add much to both Karsh and Gullen's characterizations as we get a clear picture of how perceptive Karsh is and Gullen's attitude. Something as small as "'If I may ask," Gullen began tentatively as he fidgeted with his staff, 'would it be too much trouble if I took shelter in your wagon for a brief time so that you may journey on and not keep your caravan angrily idling?'" can really add a lot to how a character is perceived.

As for the jumping around in ideas, you started out very solid, but then you suddenly jumped to three babies fighting for their lives at the end of the first scene, which I think might actually be two scenes since the timeframe is a bit unclear, but I get the impression that there's a fair chunk of time between Gullen being picked up and the talk the three have. In any case, you go from Karsh, Tey, and Gullen suddenly to a mention of three babies (who we have just been introduced to out of the blue, so why should we care about them), to Katherine (who gets a brief overview of her and her daughters' situation, so it's not even really about her daughters so much as it is about Katherine), to the third baby (who gets an even briefer overview than Katherine that's filled with too many warning signs for "BAAAW! I was unloved as a child by my parents and so I shall angst!" later on in the story aside from the sudden timeskip), suddenly back to Tay.

That's quite a lot of jumping around there, and in such a small space to boot, not to mention, with how brief the last two main sections are, they feel more tacked on than anything.

I would suggest expanding on each of the sections. Rather than tell us that Karsh, Tey, and Gullen spent the night arguing, why not go the whole way and show it to us with how you set up Karsh's very strong anti-prophecy stance; it's also an opportunity to explain to us readers why she holds such a view so strongly. Rather than tell us that Katherine escaped from Gazenlag, who disguised himself as her husband, show to us how she saved her children from Gazenlag's attempt to murder them, her actual escape, and how she realized Kar and Gazenalg were one and the same; that would be far more action-packed and therefore interesting that the current setup. The first two sections could each potentially be a chapter of their own, and very strong ones.

The last section about the third baby, though, I think could be cut out entirely. Right now, it doesn't contribute anything except for some extremely heavy-handed foreshadowing which, quite frankly, is not something you want to have so early on in the story (or ever, really). I think it would be far more effective to start the story proper with a chapter following the third child and drop hints throughout about his upbringing and odd circumstances of birth. It's much less obvious, and it gives your readers something to puzzle out and speculate upon for themselves, which will work to hold their interest. Having the readers discover the third baby's destiny alongside him will also make for a much less contrived and engaging story overall as the entire basic plot has not been stated outright at the beginning, and finding out that Tay is not the prophesied one would be a very unusual story arc/element as usually the prophecies/those who execute them are never wrong in fantasy.

I mean, which is more interesting to read: being told that the chosen one is not the chosen one at the beginning of the story, or finding out through the course of the story that, oops, there was a mistake and where is the real chosen one and oh gosh he hasn't been prepared and how are we going to fulfill the prophecy now?

You could still get a pretty interesting story out of exploring just how the missed chosen one fulfills the prophecy, but I think adding in the element of discovery about how the missed chosen one was missed would contribute quite a lot to this story.

Hiya!
Kyllorac- thanks for the awesome review. I can't ever judge something I've written myself so I love getting perspective, especially when in retrospect; it makes sense. There's so much going on in my mind that I'm trying to portray to the reader and at the same time I forget that the reader isn't aware of all the secrets like I am, they're just (or should be) as clueless as the protagonist, lol. I went ahead and changed it a bit, though the two scene's are a bit...odd... to put in the same prologue, and yet the chapters are all the protagonists POV so I can't really put them in as chapters without messing up the format of the story... and they're both pretty vital to the story's backbone.
Thanks again, and oh, I had trouble formatting the page so it's all mushed together and I don't know how to fix it... any suggestions?
~Dakota Knight

Hiya! Alright so I do review novels but at a slower rate so you'll only get a review once a week at the most. But as long as you don't bore me to death, I'll follow it through to the end ^^

First, a few specific comments as I'm reading through:

Electricity shattered the night sky, which moments before had been clear and bright with thousands of tiny stars blinking innocently. The cloaked man neared her, his delicate face contorted in rage.

By the electricity you mean lightening, right? Only my first thought was oh, did a load of lights just burst or something? Just say what you mean. There's nothing more exciting about calling it electricity, it just makes your reader confused.

“Don’t. Ever. Call. Me. THAT !” [Oh dear, are the full caps really necessary? As a writer you should be able to show tone without using full caps. It looks unprofessional.] the man shrieked. The woman rose wearily to her feet, shivering from exertion.

“What do you mean!?” she begged, a sob wracking her body.

[This seems like a strange response and stick to one piece of punctuation. Using the exclamation mark is best as we know it's a question so that makes it a question with added emphasis. Using both is over the top.]

“You fool, Kat. I’m surprised you didn’t know by now,” Kar sneered.

[Wait, she's not allowed to call him Kar but you are? I think carry on calling him the man for now or you could work up quite a cool tone with something like 'He who was not Kar'.]

Closing her eyes, Katherine gathered her magic to her, feeling the strain on her weakened body. The fact that she had to shield the presence of her magic from Gazenlag did not help the situation. As she worked the magic, she couldn’t help but wonder if her daughter’s [No appostrophe.] would one day grow to hate her, for they would never lead normal lives, not after this. So be it. She would do everything in her power to protect them from the beast before her and the danger that would be lurking for them everywhere.

[You've gone a bit crazy with the ellipses. Cut some of those. It isn't necessaryy, a comma or full stop will suffice in most places. Ellipses are better kept to speech.]

Storm clouds rumbled overhead as the weary grey unicorn trudged onward. The cloaked woman driving the small carriage that led the tiny caravan paused to gaze at the torrents of rain as they fell to the mud encrusted ground. She shivered, urging the unicorn onwards, [You used the same word just a few sentences ago. Try forward intead.] speaking encouragingly to the elderly animal. A quick gust of wind blew the rain towards the woman, causing her to pull her cloak closer while whispering curses beneath her breath.

Tay frowned, glaring at his sister. “You're the Weather Witch, shouldn't you know !?” he demanded testily, his raw stomach causing him to anger quickly.

[Same comment as before on the double punctuation mark. Telling us he says it testily is enough so have the question mark here.]

Wearily, Karshina waited for the stranger to near their cart, frustration filling her when she heard the confused yells from the wagons behind her. The man drew to a halt as he came to stand beside the wagon's bench. He watched Karsh for a moment, his brown eyes searching her.

“A poor traveler such as yourself should not be abroad in times like this,” Karsh hissed tersely, her normal tolerance worn thin by the unease the storm had caused within her. The man tilted his head respectively [I think you mean respectfully.] before speaking.

“It’s amazing, Ornica . . . just look at what this person has done!” Karsh whispered to the old unicorn, her captivated gaze lingered lingering on the sky.

“Your sister's right, Tay, I'll let you eat after she hears what I've come to tell you all.” Gullen spoke sternly and Tay nodded at last.

[Nice idea about the prophecies there, I like it. I like that they hold such a sway in this world that parents would abandon their children and go out chasing after them. It's a good set up for the plot which I'm expecting will involve chasing prophecy. A little further down though, Karsh is brought round way too easily. It should take at least a chapter for her to come to terms with the idea of her brother being taken away or being part of some huge fight against a powerfuul wizard. She shouldn't just break down and go Okay, please look after him. You've built her up to be too strong for that and to have too many reasons against it.]

After the Guild had reviewed Gordon’s work they found him to be correct and Gullen had been elected to go and retrieved the boy. Had he had doubts? Of course. How could one man be right and hundreds of years and research be wrong? How could this boy, the chosen one, be a gypsy, when as Karsh had pointed out, they had never associated with dragons before?

Alright then. This is a good start. I think you've got an interesting plot which holds your reader's attention thus far. I would like to see a little more characterisation though. I found that your descriptions of the characters were a bit vague so I couldn't build a very strong image of them and their personalities moved around somewhat, other than Ty who seemed like a typical enthusiastic male child-hero who likes to eat and likes adventure. It's quite early so they're not going to be perfect but they should at least be consistent and Karsh wasn't. One moment she's strong, the next she is weak, one moment formal and then very casual. No. You have to decide who she is and write to those specifics. You can't have your character change to suit the plot, rather they should both work together, sometimes the plot advancing the characters and sometimes the characters advancing the plot.

I'll leave it there for now as I find with novels it's easier to advice a few chapters in when I have a feel for your style and where you're going with this. But do take another look at the characterisation and maybe consider splitting this so that the first scene with the babies is your prologue and then the scene with the caravan is your first chapter. There is such a change in characters, place and view point that I think they would suit better like that, though you'd wantt to expand the first part somewhat. Although it depends on whether you're sticking with this view point now or moving on to other characters. I'll be able to give you a better idea when I've read more.

Speak to you again in about a week,

Heather xxx

Thank you so much for the review Heather,
I went ahead and revised where you suggested though I still need to go back and brush up on characters when I have more time:)
~Dakota Knight

Hey there! Walker here, as requested!

Since I've been stalling a little bit over the past while, I think I'll just get to the nitty-gritty of this instead of beating around the bush if thats okay with you! So here is a few things I think you should probably keep in mind whilst writing further chapters;

1. The Cliche

Now, I'm sure you know, as a fantasy writer, that cliche can happen easily and is often unavoidable. In that case, we take it as a more homely feel. The expected.

But here we have a lot of the 'This has definitely be done before' kind of feel. I'm getting a Harry Potter meets Eragon.

So, a good way to get past making this feel like what we've already seen is to create a plot that is purely original and characters that are moreso original. The entrance may seen... not as strong as later chapters, but this is unavoidable. When we get original characters and what not, though, we get sucked into the book without thinking of others or comparing to popular contemporary fiction. Fantasy can generally be hard in that sense. There are definite ups and downs to doing as such but if you get past those downs, the ups are genuinely loved. This, of course, brings me to my next point.

2. Character Developement

Character developement might be the single most important aspect of being a prose writer. There are so many facets we must think about and create if we are ever to make a character even somewhat believeable, which brings me to the point of this section;

There are a few things I would like to note that really need to be trimmed. Such as the quickness to anger on Karsh's part. I understand her general annoyance and frustration with this man, but generally speaking, it seemed horribly rude. And I mean, unrealistically horribly rude. Every other line when it comes to Karsh has something to do with 'She snapped' or 'she said angrily'. We get that shes not pleased but its too much. In fact, its beyond too much.

Its little things like that that can ruin what we percieve to be important about a character. I want you to think of them as living, breathing people. Have them so alive in your heart and mind that whatever they do and whatever they say is perfectly their own. Shape your characters not only with the actions in which is their purpose but also the words of which they speak.

And because I have a whole section on character developement, I'm just going to note this here. Your dialogue, in retrospect, is static. There is a lot of cheesy, kind of expected lines. The wording makes it feel not necessarily genuine and the plot becomes rushed in that manner. I want you to try and say your lines out loud. Really word your sentences like you think would be appropriate and not flat. Dialogue is so important to character developement.

3. Rushing

This feels rushed. It feels like you just wanted to skip the beginning completely and jump right into the storyline without really thinking it through. The foundation is such an important part of creating a solid plot that when you rush it and make it feeble, the entirety of your work will fall apart. So slow down, chill yourself out, and write from the heart first and foremost. Every part of the novel should be well thought out and evenly balanced.

Overall

I generally like the concept, but at the same time it feels like I've seen it before. I want to see you start making your characters very original and very your own. In fantasy, there are many times where the cliche is going to be apparent and you're going to have to overcome those obstacles when they come, but you can't ignore them. They will always be blatantly obvious to the reader whose only job is to enjoy what you've given them. So give them something you believe they would enjoy.

Write from the heart. Make it real in yourself. In that sense, I don't think you'll rush.

~Walker

Hi Dakota,
Sorry I haven't had time to review your work yet, it's very long and will take me weeks (maybe months) to review all of it. (I've already read everything you've posted.) I love your writing tho, and I hope you continue to write more, please let me know when you post more of your story on Young Writers Society.
Your writing is very captivating, and you have your own very unique style, that keeps my eyes glued to the screen.
I just wanted to let you know that I'll get the reviews to you when I can.
Eagerly waiting for the next chapter,
~Zanna Shepherd

Ok, some nit-pick stuff...

annoying Karsh further by his formality...
Further annoying Karsh with his formality.

Try to make up a different word for "unicorn." Whenever I hear this I think of My Little Pony type things with pink coats and silver manes and tails. you're portraying something much like an older, nag horse, but happens to have a pointed horn. Make up a word, and later define it either by glossary, or by description.

I love it up until the point where Tay is told he is part of the prophecy. That little tid-bit is sort of abrupt, and you may want to re-think the lead-in.

That's as far as I got in your story, but it's impressive from what I can see