Purple Lipstick on my Collar (UPDATED 5/15)

Chapter 12: Playful Tactics

I had impure thoughts about a girl I know…

Renee took her seat in class the next morning. After her confession, she had made no move to further allow her mother to get in her way. She had walked straight past her when she left for school, and didn’t answer the vibrating of her phone.
Renee is sitting near one of the windows that allowed a view outside. Renee hoped that it would give her some room to think and breath. The fresh air might do her good and help clear away Shannon for the period. The teacher was reading aloud from Hawthorn’s Scarlet Letter; his voice low and enunciating each word to the fullest extent. Renee found herself hoping that it will somehow envelope her brain to where she could focus on something else. She scanned the room, noting she didn’t see Shannon earlier that morning. It was no use. Shannon would be the only thing on her mind. Renee took out her spiral and books in vain. She thought she might write something, but it was already a lost cause. Renee opened the book pretending to follow. Her fingers moved across each sentence, as the sound of the teacher was becoming slower, the clock ticking louder. She coudln't think. Fate was marking Renee because she was already wearing the same letter. It was signed directly into her heart. Renee cannot be untangled, not like Hester’s letter. She was there for eternity. The teacher asked them to write their deepest secret. What letter would they carry?

Later, sitting at the lunch table, the same empty notebook is laid out before her. The blank pages waiting to be filled with her secret. The request still made Renee shudder. She surveyed the room, some heads bowed, most in chatter and eating. Still no Shannon. It was better at the beginning of the day, not seeing her; it gave Renee a chance to clear her head, to ready herself. Now, at this late stage, it was torture. It was purgatory and she was trapped never to be let out. She wanted things out in the open between them. She wanted things back to normal. At every creak of the door, or a scrape of a chair, she would look up apprehensively. Renee was expecting to see Shannon, and every time, she was disappointed. Her mind finally returned to assignment at hand, and the notebook. The image of Shannon getting out of the pool slid into her head. Her pulse quickened at the memory, her heart pounding hard in her chest, so hard she thought it might burst out – they’ll all see her letter, all except the girl who really should. Renee’s mind started to wander. She looked down at her page for the first time unaware of how much time had passed from her daydreaming. It’s full of an odd involuntary scrawling, as if her hand has been acting under its own will, without effort. She began to interpret the words over the written initials S.W hundreds of times.

Want, that’s the word, want. I want Shannon. I want her in a darkened room. I want her to take me apart. I want her to thread her fingers through my hair as her mouth finds mine. I want to feel her tongue inside my mouth. I want her to kiss hard, to back me against the wall, so I have no escape. I want to feel her breath on my skin, her scent on my clothes. I want her hands on my skin. I want her body against mine, in slow grinding rhythm. I want her to push now, deep. I want her to explore me, uncharted territory. I want her to make the choice. I want her next to me, in me, and all around me. I want it so I can’t breathe without her. I want this ache in my stomach to stop. I want to cut my heart out. I want to erase her from my memory. I can’t stop all this want; she’s in my cells, in every breath I take, the space between my heartbeats. I want what I can’t have.

Reading this to herself, she felt her chest tighten. So much she thought she might hyperventilate. Feeling her breathing get shallower, she shifted lower in her seat, a wave of heat pooling somewhere between her thighs. The room started to spin as she fought with her pen, scratching away at the words, trying to take them back. Renee hurried quickly out of the lunchroom and to the courtyard tables. She ripped the letter out of her notebook. She tore it apart and stopped by a trashcan. She felt her face getting hot, her lips quivering. She scrunched the torn paper into a ball hoping that it would all go away once she got rid of it. As soon as she heard the flap close, she could feel the feelings growing stronger. Now it was almost unbearable. Her secret was still in the back of her mind if not a notebook.

Chapter 13: Non-Stop
Shannon’s hands shook. This was not excitement. This was all fear. She stood behind a pillar in the courtyard watching Renee. She wished she could run home. To hide. And think. She hated that she had drawn herself out of bed in the comfort of her home only to come and avoid who she knew she needed to talk to. Renee didn’t know what she had done the night before-who she was with. Renee sat under the sun, face turned upward and her eyes closed. Students walk around her; talking and laughing during the lunch hour. Shannon was amazed over and over again. How do they not fail to be dumb struck by the sight of her? She looked away wondering what Renee would think if she found out that she wasn’t at home alone. That she had returned to her old ways. She was blind. The feelings for Renee have grown stronger over the weeks and she does nothing but try to forget.
Sunshine hurt her eyes.

If Shannon were to go over there, Renee would smile, and complain about all the homework she was assigned and ask Shannon about her day. They would sit next to each other and laugh, like they had on days like these in weeks past, but none of it would be the same. They would pretend that nothing had happened. She would put on her “Shannon knows best” face and tell Renee that it was only because by being assigned homework, it gave the teachers more ways to make their life miserable. Renee then would try not to laugh and give her a playful shove. They would make plans for later that night even if it would be awkward. They’ll talk of clothes, the nasty cafeteria food, only they would be looking at each other the entire time. With their eyes they will be saying something completely different. And everyone around them, all the jaded, knowing, disapproving eyes would notice the change, too. Renee didn't know the rules of the game. Renee still didn't know that you have to lie to live. And when Renee looked at her, when she smiled, she made Shannon forget there was a game being played out there, and that it was a spectator sport.

Shannon wouldn't be able to forget for long. Cue in some jock with his splenetic taunts, the quiet glare of the teacher when Renee leaned in too close to Shannon, and giggled. He wasn't upset about the noise; his gaze was on the hand Renee had laid on Shannon’s arm and left there. Shannon twitched under his eyes and moved her arm away. She saw the involuntary sneer on unknown faces as their hands brushed when they walked by them. The rules changed when you moved from the sidelines and joined the game.
And then there are the stares. Shannon had gotten used to the thrumming wave of whispers in school corridors since New York. The thin-lipped disapproval and the occasional bump in the hallways that was just strong enough to make it clear that it wasn't unintentional. It was apart of the daily routine now since someone had spotted her with Denise in the club, and she had learned to give as good as she gets. Some days it was almost fun–to see how many of them she could make back down. Some days she simply must find something to laugh about.
The stares, though, they envelop Renee now, too.
Every time her voice rung out in laughter to something she said just to make her laugh, eyes will be on her, judging, and weighing. Every time they meet in the hallways, pause to catch up, they will be watching from the sidelines for the telltale signs of the dreaded lesbian affliction even if they aren’t together. They couldn't taint what was already tainted when it came to her, but they can do damage here.
This was new. This was brand new and shiny and she wanted to protect Renee from all of it. She wanted her to not go through the mocking and the insults, from everything that will, day by day, turn this brand new thing into something dull and dirty, something fit for Shannon Wilks.
And Renee is becoming bolder.
She had learned that the Wilks bravado crumbles like petrified chalk under her smile and renders her smitten and tongue-tied, and she was learning to play with that knowledge. Her touches are longer now, more pronounced, and she observed Shannon as she let her hand linger, head cocked to the side, a small smile on her lips. She had grown to reveal in the effect she had on Shannon. Renee watched when Shannon spilled her coffee when her hand brushed against the back pocket of Shannon’s jeans. Renee noticed the white-knuckled grip on Shannon’s pen when she leaned over her to look at her notes, breasts to shoulder blades.
There are times when she wanted her so badly Shannon thought her hands would burn her if she touched Renee. There were times Shannon was sure she felt the same. She held back, wanting Renee to be sure that she wasn’t going to fall under the pressure from others. And her. Renee had made Shannon discover strength and control where she thought she only had want and selfishness. She didn't want to hold back anymore. Shannon looked around at the suspicious, hostile faces around them and realized Renee didn't know what she was asking for.
There are times when Shannon told herself that she coiuld be strong enough, strong for both of them. She could protect Renee. She could be enough. You lie to live. She couldn't lie to herself.
Her hands made a fist to chase away the tremors. Renee is waiting on the bench, lunch break almost half-over. Turning away from her, then, and walking away is the easiest thing Shannon had done in the last few months. She let Renee bask in the sunshine.

Renee was waiting for Shannon after classes, by her locker. Shannon knew she was hurt and confused and probably angered by her avoidance, but she still coudln't help but revel in the hot rush of… of something nice every time she saw Renee.
Renee was leaning against Shannon’s locker with her head tilted down and looking at her from below furrowed brows. This was her “I’m really trying to understand you” face. Usually Shannon was happy to see her like that – happy that she cared enough to try – but she had gotten too good at reading her and now it made her nervous. A nervous Shannon got self-defensive.
“Renee! How may I service you today?”
“Shannon, that’s not funny.”
And it wasn't, but she was on a roll. If she could just cut Renee off she might be able to talk her way through… whatever this was.
“Aw, come on, Ren. With a long face like that, people are bound to think we had a lover's spat, or something.”
Shannon had perfected these little zingers over the years – just enough verbal bluster to throw them off and slip away – but it only worked if she could walk away before they could respond to her, cashing in on her advantage. And Renee was still leaning against Shannon’s locker looking at her. Shannon was standing there in front of Renee with her too big smile and “nothing’s wrong” eyes. This was the Plastic Shannon, the nod and smile version of her in full-on self-defense mode. She hadn't used it on anyone since…New York. It's what she did when she needed to keep above the emotional fray - just a little botox for her heart.
How well I have learned, mother.
Renee looked at her, that Renee look again, and Shannon beared it vapidly.
Renee then dropped her head. Shannon could already anticipate the frustration and disappointment she’ll see when Renee looked at her again.
You are not the first, Ren, to feel that way about me.
Instead, Shannon is shaken when Renee pushed off the locker and took a step forward, nothing but concern in her eyes.
“Shannon, please tell me what’s wrong?” her hand slid down her arm in a caress; in encouragement.
She wouldn’t be so nice if she knew the truth.
One touch. One question. Shannon is nearly undone. She opened her mouth–wanting to tell Renee everything about the past few months– that she was scared and lost and no good, and that Renee would hurt her or she would hurt Renee and that she couldn't sleep at night and-
“Hey you,”
It was such perfectly wrong timing that an incredulous laugh escaped Shannon before she could help herself. Denise.
Shannon didn’t notice that she went to her own school until she had seen her when she arrived.
Renee wasn't quite happy by the interruption, “You’ve got to be shitting me.”
Shannon had never heard her Renee curse. Not once.
Denise of course, wasn't aware of the little scene she just broke up and walked up behind Shannon, sliding her arm around her shoulders.
Renee looked at the girl; her eyebrows raised and mouthing, “Who is this?”
Shannon couldn’t believe the predicament she had gotten herself into.
Rolling her eyes and shrugging Denise’s arm away, her eyes pleading for Renee to wait around just a bit longer. Denise, ignoring the gesture, placed her hand back around Shannon protectively.
“So, you’re the girl,” Denise mused.
She tried to be polite, but it came off as harsh and cold.
“And you are…?” Renee drifted off.
Where had Shannon met this girl?
“Denise Kinston,” she formally extended her hand, but Renee left it hanging.
Denise understood and pulled her hand away, her eyes narrowing.
“You know,” Denise paused, “For someone who didn’t want to talk about you the night we met, Shannon just couldn’t stop.”
Denise pulled Shannon closer and rested her head onto her shoulder, “You mean a lot to Shannon, here. Too bad you lost your chance. You’d think it’d take her longer than one night for her to forget you, but all it took was one night with me.”
Shannon cringed from Denise’s words. Renee hadn’t lost anything. Shannon hadn’t forgotten Renee. The night at the club only made her realize just how strongly she felt and knew being with Denise wouldn’t change any of that. Shannon thought of speaking up, but feared it might create an even bigger scene.
“I think I know that,” Renee spat.
It hadn’t taken Shannon long to return to her old ways of drugs and alcohol. Renee thought it would be harder after what they had gone through together, but it only made the transition that much quicker.
Shannon looked into Renee’s eyes closely. Renee looked back at Shannon with an equally strong gaze. For the first time since she met Renee, Shannon could read nothing in her eyes.
When did she learn to hide her eyes like that?
“Well, we should be going. We have people to see and places to be.” Denise smirked and pulled Shannon away by the hand.
Shannon was then walking away and she could feel Renee staring at her back, bewildered. Maybe Shannon did, the feeling was that strong. When she turned the corner, she pulled Denise with her taking long strides. This time she was Green in the story-lost and scared in a world that had moved on without her. She didn't know who she was trying to escape or where she was running to.

Okay, all of the chapters 'cept the latest one are on my pen drive, so I *promise* I'll crit at least part of it this week. I want to be thorough though, which is part of the reason I haven't posted yet, as well as surplus of homework and coursework. Easter holidays start tomorrow though, so it should be done soon.

It's looking good so far. Definately one of the more interesting topics as well. I've *never* been able to write anything that I could classify as 'romantic fiction'. From what I've seen, you can do this pretty well.

Liking that last update, and I can really feel the tension that must be hanging in the air at the moment. Would absolutely hate to be in Shannon's shoes right now...

Good luck with it!


~KayJuran~

Chapter 14: Quitting Time
Renee walked home gradually after school that day. She took her time not really caring about when she would get home or how long it would take. She thought of Shannon, her face coming into her head ever so gracefully. Her red hair curled around her face, green eyes deep with emotion, and actions that could take over anyone’s reasonable thought process.
Renee’s spectrum had become demolished. She didn’t know who she could turn to now.
The image was soon shattered as she saw Denise’s face. Cold and heartless dangling Shannon in front of her as if tempting Renee to do something to take her back.
Renee couldn’t stop all this want. The desire that spread through her with each step, each breath, each time her eyelids fluttered trying to keep the tears from falling. Renee didn’t know what she’d do if Shannon had moved onto the next girl so quickly and never knew the truth about how she really felt. With her head bowed counting the sidewalk cracks, Renee went over Shannon’s features from her body to her soul. Each time she found herself growing even more distraught.
Renee looked up to see her house on the corner. The lights were off and her mother’s Volvo wasn’t parked in the driveway. Mrs. Willis was often taking long shifts at the hospital working in the ER.
Renee always figured that it was because she felt she was some high and mighty authority figure that held all the power. She was in control of what was going on. She told the patients what they needed to do, what they couldn’t do, and all they had to choose from was to sit back and watch helplessly as their existence withered away. To her mother, they were just patients; there was nothing else to be said. They could do nothing.
Mrs. Willis didn’t have to take any orders; she was on her own time. If it wasn’t her own daughter, it was anyone else next in line.
Renee dug into her purse looking for the key to the front door as she walked up the porch steps. She didn’t want to enter a house that she didn’t belong in.
Trying to prolong the process, Renee felt the cold metal of the key brush against her hand. She picked it up and slowly pulled it out, starring down at the sharp teeth. Renee slid it into the lock as she gripped the door handle.
Taking a small breath of air to calm her nerves, she twisted her wrist.
Renee pushed open the door to see a small kitchen light on. It was extremely quiet, which was good. Renee needed some time to think while it was still peaceful. Tomorrow would be Saturday and she didn’t know if she could handle being up in her room with the thought of Shannon and Denise off doing God knows what. Renee actually felt happy her mother wasn’t home to question her about what she had been doing. In fact, her mother hadn’t been around for much of the week since the night of her so-called “date”.
After letting her book bag fall to the carpet, she rushed up to her room. Closing the door, she fell back onto her bed. She let her eyes close and her mind relax. It felt good to rest after what all had happened earlier. For a moment the thought of Shannon escaped her…
Renee opened her eyes to see her window across the room; the blinds shut and white curtain in place. She looked over to the digital clock to see that it was nearly six o’clock. Renee listened closely for any sounds coming from downstairs. She heard nothing except the humming of the air conditioner. Her mother should be home by now.
If she really wanted to, Renee felt that she would leave. There was no one stopping her. It would probably be less time consuming than pondering over what she could had done or said to Shannon. It was in the past. She wanted to leave it there until it was brought up again. For now, she wanted to forget Shannon. Renee knew it would be hard. She had tried it countless of times before and all it did was make her realize just how much she cared. Just how much Shannon meant to her, and how much it hurt to not see her.
But how could she?
Shannon had Denise now; she didn’t need Renee’s confusion getting in the way.
If she really felt as I did, she wouldn’t be off with another girl right now. If she really cared, she wouldn’t have left me standing in the hall to watch her walk away. If she really loved-no, she shook her head, If she really wanted me, she would have admitted it.
Renee’s head felt heavy with all her bitter feelings.
Renee brought her hands to her forehead and left them there. She tried to clear away her thoughts, to concentrate on something else, but all she knew, all she saw, was Shannon.

It was the doorbell that jarred Renee from her sleep. She sat up quickly and saw that it was almost midnight. Wondering who it could be this late at night, she got out of bed and walked down the hallway. Before she walked down the stairs, she peeked into her mother’s room. She saw that her bed was still unmade.
Where was she?
Renee quickly forgot her mother when she crept down the stairs. Before opening the door to what may be some serial killer, she grabbed an umbrella that leaned against the wall.
Holding it up ready to strike, she unlatched the door and yanked it open.
Renee’s breath caught in her throat.
Shannon stood still; her eyes surprised.
“Oh, it’s you.” Renee sighed.
“You? Me.”
Renee ignored Shannon.
“Did you think I came to kill you?” Shannon asked jokingly.
Renee shook her head annoyingly and let the weapon fall to the floor, “Actually, yes,”
It’s not like you could do anymore damage than you already have…
They stood there going over each other’s features in silence. Renee debated on whether or not she should let Shannon in or shut the door in her face.
“Nice pajamas, Ren,” Shannon spoke quietly.
Renee smiled sheepishly then realized who it was she was talking to, “What are you doing here anyways? If my mom were home-”
“But she’s not,” Shannon grinned, “Is this how you treat your friend when she wants to talk?”
Renee let Shannon step into the house and walk past her.
Renee looked out at the street to see Shannon’s car parked out front. It was dark, the streetlight illuminating the large trees. Renee took a steady breath before closing the door. She then turned, “Friend?” she questioned.
“Come on, Renee.” Shannon groaned.
Renee rolled her eyes angrily, “You don’t get it! We went through so much together only for you to go out and ruin it all.”
“You’re jealous, I know, but-“
“Jealous? You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here in the middle of the night and trying to start something.”
“I saw how you looked at Denise! I swear it was like-“
“Like what?”
She couldn’t believe it had come down to this. How could Shannon be so selfish?
“It was like you wished it were you.”
Renee brushed off the comment, “What? A crack whore?” she shot back.
“At least she doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not.” Shannon mumbled.
Renee was shocked. She felt her eyes watering, her mouth go dry. She felt so much for Shannon, if only it wasn’t so hard to explain her feelings.
“Pretend, huh?” Renee paused to try to recuperate her emotions, “Wouldn’t you if you had second thoughts about who you were? What you believed in?”
Renee couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks now. She lay vulnerable in the dark hallway in front of Shannon who knew nothing about all the hurt and damage she was causing.
“I know who I am, Renee. The only real question is who are you?”
Renee pushed Shannon away to the door, “I think you should be going.”
Shannon wasn’t falling for that, “What are you trying to hide, Renee?” she asked, her voice lowering and face growing serious.
Renee didn’t need to hear this; she didn’t have to put up with Shannon’s questions. Renee just needed her to leave. Wiping away the tears violently, she chocked on her words.
“Nothing,” she lied.
“I know it must be something…” Shannon drifted off to lay a comforting hand on Renee’s shoulder, “Don’t cry, please?”
Renee laughed as Shannon pulled her close into a hug. She leaned down, “You’ll understand,” Shannon whispered.
It sent shivers up Renee’s spine. Having Shannon this close made Renee forget her anger. They were about to ascend the stairs when the door handle rattled. They both turned to stare.
Watching wordlessly, the door was opened to reveal Renee’s mother.
“This night it just full of surprises,” Shannon whispered.
Renee nudged Shannon in her side, “Quiet,” she hushed.
Mrs. Wilks looked up to find the two girls standing on the ledge. Her eyes darted from Renee then to Shannon, “Oh, it’s you.”
“You? Me.”
“Shannon!” Renee cried out.
“Sorry, I thought this was some traditional Willis family greeting game.”
“Renee, do you want to explain why this girl is in our house at,” she paused to check her watch, “Twelve thirty?” she asked interrupting the bickering.
“Do you want to explain why you’re home so late?” Renee asked.
Renee stood starring her mother down, daring her to do something.
“You know what I think would make this a whole lot better?” Shannon asked, “Some tea.”
Renee’s hand shot out to stop Shannon from leaving, “Let’s take this into the living room, shall we?” Renee recommended, a fake smile spreading across her lips.
Her mother nodded while she eyed Shannon and followed the two girls into the room.
Renee flipped on the light switch and pulled Shannon down next to her on the couch.
Mrs. Wilks took a seat in a chair, “Now, do you want to explain yourselves?” she breathed.
“In my defense,” Shannon started but Renee broke in, “We were just going to talk.”
“Why couldn’t you do this at school?” she asked.
“We were a bit busy. You know, there’s all the drama.” Shannon laughed nervously.
Mrs. Wilks ignored Shannon’s comment, “Are you aware that my daughter is not allowed to see you?” she asked.
Renee felt Shannon look over to her, “Yes ma’am, I was.”
Renee breathed a sigh of relief; at least Shannon was being civilized.
“And you,” Mrs. Wilks asked Renee, “You went against my orders?”
Renee nodded.
“What do you think I should do about this then?”
Shannon’s hand shot up but Renee reached over bringing it back down, “We don’t know.”
“Maybe further your punishment?”
Renee raised her eyebrows at the thought, “No, I think you’ve done enough.”
“Don’t get smart with me-“
“Mom,” Renee cut in, “Stop.”
“No, no,” she shook her head and stood, “I will not have anymore of this-this experimentation between the two of you! I want you, Shannon, out of my house.”
Renee watched as her mother took hold of Shannon’s arm, “I will make it my priority to see that you do not have any relations with my daughter.”
Shannon was trying to break away, to say something, but she couldn’t.
Renee hurried to catch up to her mom as she opened the door. She pushed Shannon out onto the porch, glaring at her, “Ever.”
Renee cringed as the door was slammed.
Renee stood in the archway frozen. The scene that had just played out made her mind reel.
What did her mother actually think was going on between them? Or at least, nothing that Renee hadn’t already wished was going on.
Mrs. Wilks spun around and cleared her throat, “Up to bed,” she said and pointed to the stairs.
“No.” Renee said simply, “She’s staying here for tonight.”
Renee pushed past her mother and opened the door. Her mother came up behind her and shut it, “I will not have her in my house!” she yelled strictly.
Renee shoved her mother away and stepped out onto the porch just in time to see Shannon getting into her car, “Shannon!” she called out.
Shannon looked back, her face distorted in puzzlement.
Renee hurried out to the street, “What?” Shannon asked.
“You can stay.”
“Stay? What about-”
“Don’t worry,” Renee said and pulled Shannon towards her house.
This was one moment where she wasn't going to let her mother make her decisions. She had been doing it since the time she was born-now was the time for it to stop.
Entering back into the walkway, Renee’s mother stood waiting by the stairway. Renee took Shannon by the hand, “Night,” she said as she tried to get by.
Her mother’s hand stopped them, “On the couch,” she directed.
Renee walked over to the couch with Shannon where they saw sheets and a pillow. Renee shrugged, “At least it’s not outside.”
Shannon giggled, “Trust me, from my past experiences, anything would be better than being in the same house with your mother. She’ll probably slit my throat while I sleep.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye out for her.” Renee winked.
Shannon smiled and reached over. Renee’s body stiffened as she felt Shannon’s arms go around her in a warm hug. Renee relaxed as her breathing slowed. She placed her arms around Shannon.
They broke apart as they heard Renee’s mother clear her throat once again from the stairs.
“I love…”
Renee stopped where she was and waitied for Shannon to continue. The words seemed to get caught in Shannon’s throat, “that you’re doing this for me.”
Renee smiled and let her hand fall from Shannon’s as she backed away. Everything was right. She understood how to read between the words unspoken.

Chapter 15: Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Shannon couldn’t get to sleep that night.

I love her. I love her.

The words, even mouthed silently in the quiet of Renee’s living room, angled her jaw in ways she is unused to. She tried the more familiar.

I want her. I want Renee.

That's an undeniable fact. She wanted Renee. Renee wanted her too, this much she knew. Even if Renee hadn’t gathered up the courage to admit it. Another fact. These are the building blocks, the simple rules of attraction.

She had been here before. The want. The desire. The heady beginning with all the usual symptoms of physical infatuation; sweaty palms, the purely excited reaction to every sound her cell phone made, and all those looks exchanged, burning them with a hungry fire. This has all happened before. She knew how to medicate herself through lust. The steps were familiar: the onset of fever, the full-blown case of the affliction, and then the speedy recovery into full mental health – and on to another adventure.

And yet, despite the familiar signs, none of this is the same. She was in love with Renee. She had been speaking the language of Lust for so long and so eloquently, she knew the shorthand of it by heart. It was always the condensed version with Shannon; a night, a week, and then a plain, final goodbye. Cliff's Notes of Relationships. Simple. Small words, short sentences, quick pay-off. Now she had been rendered mute by this new dialect her stubborn heart was insisting upon, all the short words made unintelligible, the message changed. She wanted Renee. True. And, yet, the meaning is not the same anymore. Lust is love. Love is...

Shannon would laugh at herself if she weren't afraid it would turn slightly hysterical. All these maudlin thoughts inside her head, all these trite poetics, but when she opened her mouth to say something, say anything to Renee, nonsense came out. I love these that you’re fucking doing this for me, for God's sake? She had been rendered mute, tongue tied into a Gordian knot in her mouth, but all these new words, unknown and strangely shaped, kept knocking into her clenched teeth, wanting out.

I love her.

She tasted them; rolled their shape across a tongue unused to talking about such things.

I love her. I love Renee.

She tried to get used to their heaviness in her mouth, to rub down the sharp edges of their meaning.

Say it, Shannon.

She opened her mouth. She licked her lips. She had been rendered mute. It's a new virus, this mutation burning into her cells with every beat of her heart, a disease she thought herself inoculated against. Love. Love has rendered her mute. Love, still, wanted to be spoken of.

I love her.

She can't stop the thought, this inner mantra, any more than she could stop the rush of blood in her veins.

How could a truth so self-evident escape me for so long? How could I be so afraid of what was right in front of me?

Was it there all along, a familiar graffiti on the wall directly in front of her, unintelligible to the untrained eye?

She had learned a new language. She grasped the meaning. She cannot shape the words yet.

I love her.

This love has rendered her mute.

The rules change when you move from the sidelines and join the game, Shannon.

Very well. She had been rendered mute. The words crowded her throat, fighting to get out. She cannot use them.

She looked at her hands. So steady now. Very well.

My speech has failed me?

She would learn the language of signs. She would shape the letters with her hands; write out sentences with her fingers. If Renee couldn’t understand Shannon, she would teach her the Braille of her love. They would learn the shape of the new language together.

I love her.

She let the fever take her.

Shannon stood in front of the phone that was attached to the wall. She then looked at the clock on the microwave. It was nearly three in the morning. Picking up the phone, not caring if she’d be waking her, she dialed Denise’s number. She had to end it if there was any hope left for her and Renee. Shannon let the phone ring twice before hanging up. She took a deep breath before trying again. This time Denise picked up on the first ring, “Hello…?” she asked sleepily.
“Denise,” Shannon whispered, “I need to talk to you.”
“At three in the morning?” Denise asked. Shannon heard her roll over and cough.
“It’s about us.”
Shannon heard silence on the other end and took it as an opportunity to let herself slide down to the floor. She felt the cool wall on her lower back and she leaned against it. She stared down at her nails as Denise finally spoke, “What about us? I thought things were going great,”
“It was fun, trust me, but…” Shannon drifted off.
For once in her life Shannon didn’t comply with the rules of the game. This was for Renee; she deserved it.
“It’s that girl, right?” Denise scoffed.
Shannon let out a rush of air and was quiet before speaking again, “I made a mistake.”
“Yeah, you seem to be making a hell lot of mistakes.”
“Denise,” Shannon pleaded, “You of all people knew where this was going to end up.”
Shannon knew Denise was hurt by her decision. She also figured that it would be the best before things got really serious to where there was no turning back.
“I just didn’t think it’d end so soon,”
“It’s for the best, for both-“
“Don’t,” Denise cut her off, “Just don’t expect me to act like nothing happen come Monday morning.”
Shannon jumped as she heard the phone slam down.

An hour after she said goodnight to Shannon, Renee still couldn’t sleep. Fifteen minutes later, an hour after her mother had gone to bed, she was tossing restlessly.
When she was sure that her mother was asleep and she was nowhere near that point, she gave up. Renee got out of bed for the second time that night. She was wearing the little girl pajamas that she used to feel comfortable in because they represented her. And though she’s still the naive girl who knows little and has seen even less, she felt like she had out grown the purple pajamas.
She wore them anyways, because they’re warm and safe. She slipped out of her room and down the stairs, as quietly as she is able.
Shannon was hard to see in the dark, but it wasn't a turning-on-a-light kind of situation, the part of her too big for the pajamas told her. She stood there like some kind of stalker, just staring at the form of a girl under her mom’s crisp blankets, curled quietly on their couch.
She stood there and wished scary, impossible things. Wished she were under those blankets with her. Wished she knew what Shannon’s pajamas looked like, felt like against her skin. She bet they’re not little girl purple.
She wished more hings too scary to even contemplate. Like being in Shannon’s arms as more than her friend. Or kissing her even if she’s still confused about who she is.
I am scared. Scared of what will happen.
The little girl said so, anyway. But Renee didn't want to be the little girl anymore. She wanted to be a girl worthy of Shannon’s friendship and prehaps later, love. She wanted Shannon to be hers-no one elses.
“But that’s stupid," the terrified part of her brain said.
It’s loud, because fear override desire in this case. Maybe it was the pajamas. Maybe the fact that she didn’t wear the matching slippers was what made her touch Shannon’s hand.
The effect was instantaneous. The movement quick and beautiful. Shannon sat up and groped wildly in the darkness. Renee found the light first.
“You again?” Shannon asked.
Renee half expected her to demand to know why she was down there.
"Yes."
She smiled what she wanted to be a Shannon smile, but was pretty sure came out mostly shy little girl Renee instead.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Shannon asked as she ran her hand slowly through her dark red hair.
“No.”
It came out small and childish, soft and almost ashamed.
“Well I can. I was, in fact.”
Too bad I was dreaming of you the whole time…
Her voice is annoyed but her eyes are almost gentle, Renee thought.
Things could be deceiving in the middle of the night.
“Want to raid the fridge?”
This time it’s the little girl pretending to be brave.
“I rather be sleeping,”
“My room’s a lot more comfortable.”
Renee couldn’t believe what had come out.
“Are you propositioning me, Ms. Wilks?”
Renee blushed even though she knew Shannon was only joking.
“I just meant that since my mom was being such a hard ass, you would feel better if you were…upstairs.”
With me, she added quietly to herself.
Her suggestion sounded more and more stupid the further she got to saying it. Shannon didn’t say anything though, she just shrugged and got up. Renee made the little girl smile stay hidden.
They snuck upstairs, the little girl feeling a rush of happiness for being so daring-sneaking Shannon into her room with her mother just down the hall. Renee closed her door and turned on the lights only long enough to help Shannon set up her blankets on the floor.
“This is more comfortable?”
Renee knew without looking that Shannon was smiling.
“Well, um, I…”
“It’s fine, Ren.”
She barely registered the nickname, but it sent a thrill through her all the same.
“I was thinking earlier that we could…”
Renee gestured to her bed stupidly, like the dense little girl she was.
Shannon hesitated as she thought of Renee's offer.
“Better than this,”
Shannon dropped the blankets and jumped for the bed. Renee followed slowly after her.
It was only when the light was turned off and she felt Shannon’s breath on the back of her neck that she realized she never really looked at her pajamas.
It was when Renee was finally almost asleep herself that she decided it didn’t matter.

Shannon couldn’t believe that she was in Renee’s bed. She was so close and yet she could do nothing. She couldn’t explain how she felt; she couldn’t tell Renee that she wished that they were doing more than just sleeping. Shannon studied the back of Renee’s neck memorizing each inch. She counted three freckles at the base, and the softness of the wispy hairs as she reached out to touch them. She saw Renee’s head move slightly and she stopped. She then watched as Renee rolled over-her eyes still closed. Shannon was inches away from her face. If only she could kiss her like she wanted to and not mess it up like the last time she had tried anything. In the moonlight that hit her face from the open window, she looked so pale and fragile. Her skin looked milky smooth like a baby’s. Shannon felt an odd sensation that she was doing something wrong. That looking at Renee without her being aware of it would somehow come back to her. Shannon looked away to stare up at the ceiling. She did her best to push the stunning picture of Renee’s face from her mind.

Chapter 16: Look, but Don’t Touch
Shannon had snuck down to the couch from Renee’s room around seven. She didn’t want Mother Superior to come in and find her most despised enemy in her daughter’s bed.
It’d be the death of her.
Lying on the couch, Shannon waited for Renee to wake up. She went over their late night conversation and all the things it would lead to. Thinking of Renee’s face, she sat up hastily as she heard someone descending the stairs. Her face brightened in expectancy, but frowned as she saw that it was the Devil herself.
Mrs. Wilks had an equally sour face, “I expect you to be gone by eight.”
Shannon rolled her eyes.
You are definitely not a morning person.
Shannon watched as she disappeared into the kitchen. She perked up when she saw Renee come down the stairs still in her pajamas.
Renee smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. Shannon returned the gesture as Renee walked over to the couch and crossed her arm in front of her chest. She bent down, “I wondered where you were. I woke up and you weren’t there.”
Shannon felt a pang of guilt, but chased it away, “Did you miss me?”
“Of course. After all that had happened…”
“Right,” Shannon remembered, “Speaking of that, we should talk.”
“Okay,” Renee made her way around the couch and sat down, “Let’s talk.”
Shannon shook her head, “Not here.”
Renee looked over to the kitchen where she saw her mother sitting down at the table reading the newspaper, “Oh,” she nodded.
“I’ll come pick you up later. We can go to my house.”
“If I can get out,” Renee pointed over to her mother who was now drinking a cup of coffee, the steam rising, “It might be hard.”
Shannon quirked an eyebrow, “Trust me, it’ll be worth it.”

“Why are you here so late? Did you have to get your fill of Romeo and Juliet?” Renee called out.
She looked down at Shannon who was standing under her bedroom window.
“You wouldn’t answer your phone,” Shannon craned her neck upward, “I would had rung the doorbell, but didn’t want to get into it with your mother.”
Her mother had surprisingly gone to work leaving her home alone for the night once again. Renee thought that it was the only way she could get Shannon out of her mind with her little “scheme” about how she was trying to corrupt her daughter. So there was no need in actually sneaking out although Renee would miss the fun aspect of it all.
Renee didn’t feel the need to explain, “You couldn’t have just waited until I called?”
Shannon shook her head, “No,” she said.
“I’ll be down in minute,” Renee promised.
Renee pulled a pair of black cargo pants up over her slim hips and stuck her feet into a pair of unlaced tennis shoes. She didn't bother with a shirt since she was wearing a tank top. She then returned to the window. Renee didn’t see Shannon and stuck her head out, “Way to be patient, Shannon.”
After slipping out the front door, Renee searched for Shannon in the darkness.
“Over here.”
Renee jumped startled at the sound of Shannon’s voice coming from the dark. She rubbed her arms against the chill of the night air and trotted over to Shannon’s car that was parked in the driveway. Renee pulled the passenger door open to see the interior light come on. And Shannon’s outfit.
“Whoa,” Renee gasped, “Where are you going?”
“Not where I’m going, Renee. It’s where we’re going.”
Renee had never seen Shannon wearing such skimpy clothes. She wore a short mini, a top that showed off her tanned midriff, and a pair of what looked like stiletto heels.
Shannon grinned, “Hop in, we’ve got to get you ready.”
Renee slid in the car without hesitation and leaned back against the tope colored leather. After pulling the seat belt across her chest safely, Shannon put the car in gear and hit the gas.
Renee caught Shannon looking at her, “Definitely not club material,” she noticed.
“Club?” Renee nearly choked, “There are no clubs.”
“Relax, Ren. Just because you’ve never seen one doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Renee nodded trying to assure herself.
"No one is going to know you're gone," Shannon glanced over at Renee and frowned; "You're going to catch pneumonia…"
Renee rolled her eyes with Shannon's sarcastice remark. It was just breezy out.
Shannon reached into the back seat and pulled an old jacket off the floor.
"Here," she handed the light weight denim jacket to Renee, "Put this on. It’s clean,” she added.
Renee ignored her offer, "Shannon, if my mother gets home to find I’m not home I'm going to be in so much trouble."
"Don't worry," Shannon assured her, "I'll have you home before anyone knows you're gone. We’re just talking remember? Since when do you care, anyways?" Shannon asked.
Renee nodded in agreement and looked out the window to see Shannon’s SUV flying past the town’s limit.
Shannon glanced over at Renee again, "Put that jacket on," she insisted, "You're only in a tank-top for Christ sakes! I might be new to Minnesota, but I do know it gets cold at night in November.”
“I'm not even cold, Shannon! Why are you wearing a mini skirt then?”
“It’s all in the look, Renee. Don’t you worry about me.”
Renee relented and pulled the jacket on. She immediately embraced the warmth and caught a whiff of Shannon’s perfume on the garment. "Thanks."
Shannon grinned, "You're welcome. I promise to have you home before you're missed."
Renee reluctantly felt herself trusting Shannon ever so slowly. She kept quiet for the rest of the ride to Shannon’s, only stopping to fight with her about what was being played on the radio. Renee hunkered down in the depths of Shannon’s jacket and stole quick glances. Shannon’s hands were gripped on the wheel, her hair up in a simple yet elegant bun, and eyes glittering in headlights that would pass.
“Here we are,” Shannon broke in as she pulled into the driveway.
Renee smiled uneasily and let her hand rest on the door handle waiting to get out. Shannon pulled her keys out of the ignition and unlocked the doors, “Ready?”
Renee took a breath, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

As Shannon led Renee towards her bedroom, she contemplated on what she would say. Even if they would be going to the very club that had caused them avoiding each other, Shannon knew that once they arrived Renee would have no where to run if things got too heated.
Shannon pulled the two closet doors open as Renee sat down overwhelmingly starring at the lines of clothes all color coordinated.
“My mother’s doing,” Shannon explained seeing Renee’s shock, “She can go overboard sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Renee laughed.
Shannon ventured into the closet, “So, what do you usually wear when you go out?”
“I don’t really go out. Maybe something with a bit more…coverage?” she asked after eyeing Shannon once more.
“We’ll have to change that won’t we?” she asked.
Shannon grabbed a few clothes that hung on hangers and walked out. She held up the outfit for Renee to see.
“Oh, no. I can’t possibly wear that, Shannon! No way!” Renee shook her head repulsively.
Shannon laid down the clothes on her bed for Renee to get a closer look. Shannon watched Renee’s little rant with more than a hint of amusement on her features. She knew that Renee would have a problem with what she had picked out, but she also knew that after a little coercing Renee would be all for it.
“Come on, it’s what you wear to clubs.”
“Yeah, if I’m a desperate hooker.”
“Whose to say you’re not?” Shannon joked, “Just try it on, Renee,” she pleaded.
Renee pushed herself up from the couch and grabbed the clothes and heels away from the bed, “Fine.”
Shannon sat patiently as she heard the constant sounds coming from in her bathroom, “Need any help?” she asked smiling and wriggling her eyebrows.
“No,” she heard Renee’s voice shake.
Shannon turned her head to where she could see Renee through the crack that was left open from the door. She felt her stomach do a flip-flop, the butterflies flapping their wings pleasantly. Inside the door, she saw Renee wearing her white panties and lacy bra. Her milky skin made up all of her, from her bare stomach to her curvy legs. Shannon was at a loss for words.
“I can’t do this, Shannon. I can’t even wear this out of the bathroom much less out in public!”
“Get out here right now, Wilks!”
Her mouth must had been hanging open. She immediately turned away when she saw Renee’s expression as she walked out dressed. The skirt Renee wore was a silky material that barely covered her thighs. The heels had leather straps that wrapped around her ankles, and a three-quarter inch shirt that was striped showing her shoulders off. Shannon couldn’t speak; Renee had literally taken her breath away.
“Damn, if I get this reaction from you, imagine what I’m going to do to everyone else in the club.” Renee said cheekily.
She sashayed and spun around, “You like?” she cooed.
Shannon nodded wordlessly and wiped the invisible drool from her chin. She stood completely stunned and somehow formed words, “You’re missing something,”
Renee looked confused, but didn’t say anything. Shannon walked back into the closet and picked out a studded belt and necklace.
Shannon handed Renee the belt and looked away.
Renee placed the belt around her hips and then stood still waiting for a direction.
“Hold your hair up,”
Renee complied and lifted her hair.
With shaky fingers, Shannon undid the clasp and leaned forward slowly. She placed the beaded necklace delicately around Renee’s smooth neck. Shannon looked at Renee whose mouth was slightly open and eyes cast downward. Shannon let her fingers linger, the touch raising the small hairs on Renee’s neck. She then pulled away, “There,” Shannon stood back admiring Renee once more, “Oh, and these.”
Shannon handed Renee a pair twinkling raindrop earrings from the dresser. Renee raised her hands to each her ears and slipped them through the holes.
“Ready to go?” she asked.
Shannon raised her eyes slowly, “Yeah,” she turned away and walked to the door, “Yeah.”
I don’t know how I’m going to be able to resist temptation tonight…

Chapter 17: Fast Times
Renee sat watching Shannon dance on the floor from the corner booth they shared. Her hips swayed to the music with her eyes closed not caring who was watching.
Renee smiled as Shannon opened them to give her a sexy grin. She was so confident in her actions. She made a motion for Renee to join her, but Renee shook her head. It was the second song that night that she had resulted to sitting alone only watching Shannon. She really needed to talk to her about their relationship. It wasn’t exactly the place Renee had in mind.
Suddenly Renee was distracted from her thoughts of Shannon when a girl came over and ordered her a drink.
Renee blushed furiously when she couldn’t remember her own name. The girl waited patiently after introducing herself.
Taylor, Renee repeated quietly to herself.
Renee tried to form some semblance of a sentence, but found that she couldn’t get her mouth to move.
“Renee,” was all she could manage out as Taylor offered her hand. Renee looked around her subtly for backup but Shannon had disappeared from sight.
“Thanks for the drink, Taylor.” Renee said flirtatiously, not really knowing why it came out like that. Taylor smiled at Renee crookedly, which was making Renee’s heart flutter.
“So, are you single Ms. Renee?” she asked casually while leaning her elbows on the table and sipping the drink that had just arrived.
“At the moment, yes. I haven’t found anyone that’s caught my attention yet,” Renee told her.
Not that I want to acknowledge.
Renee blinked, stunned for a second wondering where it had come from. But this time, she did not get a reply.
Renee tuned back into their conversation finally as Taylor pointed over her shoulder. Renee turned and saw a guy looking at her expectantly from across the club. He came over and introduced himself, “Jack,” he said and smiled at Taylor. Taylor smiled courteously and rolled her eyes as she turned away from him.
“Take a seat, Jack.” Taylor said pointing to the empty space while keeping her eyes on Renee.
They talked about nothing for a while as Jack tried so blatantly to flirt with Taylor. She politely ignored his advances and Renee didn’t know why- for a while. That was, until Taylor giggled girlishly at something funny she had apparently said and let her fingers gently caress her forearm. Renee blinked; trying to decide what to do with this new information, and finally smiled back at her.
So, Taylor is gay?
Jack still remained oblivious. Renee’s suspicions were confirmed after she let her eyes linger on Taylor's a moment longer then considered ‘platonically correct’ as she winked subtly at her. Renee tried not to but she knew she was blushing.
Jack got up to get some more drinks and Taylor and Renee settled into mindless banter. Taylor giggled again, and her hand came to rest on Renee’s thigh. Renee tensed and forgot completely about what they had been talking about. She felt her skin get hot as she realized that maybe, she wasn’t as unlike Taylor as she had been telling herself.
She gasped lightly at the realization- or maybe that was the unexpected hand on her shoulder now.
Feeling jumpy, Renee stood up immediately at the contact and felt guilty for some unexplainable reason. Renee followed the tan fingers up the arm, to the muscular, but feminine shoulders and neck, to the perfectly cut jaw and pouty lips. Renee’s breath caught in her chest as she looked into her alarmingly brilliant, green eyes.
“Shannon!” Renee shrieked, her voice coming out higher than she intended it to.
Shannon pulled her in for a hug, Renee was so glad that she was there… maybe more glad that just a ‘friend’ would be. So many thoughts went through Renee’s head that she didn’t fully understand yet.
“Hey, Renny, who’s your friend?” Shannon asked, her voice coming off protective even to Renee.
Renee was usually clueless when it came to Shannon- that much she knew. Plus, she had never sounded so flirty, at least not anywhere but on the phone. It sent tingles through Renee, ones even more intense then the ones she got when Taylor put her hand on her thigh.
“Oh, sorry this is-”
“Taylor,” the brunette introduced herself while standing up, putting her hand out to Shannon. Shannon looked at it disdainfully before sticking her own out to shake. It was then that Renee realized that she was still clinging to Shannon’s arm girlishly. Renee blushed once again feeling that she must be wearing her feelings on face. She stepped away, thankful that the dark lights of the club that hid her scarlet cheeks.
“Shannon,” she said before sitting down.
Renee noticed some weird eye contact between the two, but shrugged it off.
“I thought you would never get off the dance floor. Aren’t we going to talk?” Renee asked playfully as she pushed the drink Jack had brought for her towards Shannon and swirled what was left in the bottom of her own cup. Shannon took the bottle and poured half the contents into Renee’s cup, and half into hers absentmindedly as she explained that they would later, but not now. Renee completely missed her words as she gushed sarcastically over how nice Shannon was to Taylor. As a friend of course.
“Well I don’t care, I’m just glad you’re finally here.” Renee told Shannon simply as she smiled at her and swigged her drink. Jack sat back down with a smile and introduced himself. Shannon nodded, but kept her eyes glued to the table. Soon they had all settled back into a conversation that had little or no point but still managed to keep each other entertained. Jack made a comment about how lucky he was to be with such beautiful women while both Taylor and Shannon sighed heavily.
“Why don’t we leave?” Shannon asked suddenly as she leaned over towards Renee. Taylor and Jack hadn’t heard and kept talking so Renee turned to Shannon and lowered her voice.
“Leave? We only just got here.”
Shannon surprised Renee with the question and smiled at her before she raised her eyebrows in an impatient manor and ruined the moment. Renee sighed and mouthed, “What’s wrong with you?” before turning her attention to Taylor.
Renee could feel Shannon’s eyes burning into her back, but she couldn’t stop herself from blatantly flirting with the girl in front of her. Renee was rudely interrupted by the overly hormonal Jack right when she was sure Taylor was going to ask her something important.
“So, um, Taylor… do you want to dance?” Jack asked, unaware, once again, to the tension at the table. Shannon glared at him, Renee rolled her eyes and Taylor made an remorseful face.
“Actually I was just about to dance with Renee, but perhaps the next one?” she said swiftly before grabbing her hand and dragging Renee to the dance floor before she could object. Not that she would have if she had been given the chance. She had immediately forgotten what they had come there to do.

“What’s with the kidnapping?” Renee asked Taylor as the two danced together sensually, the tiny bit of alcohol in their systems helped them get over their shyness.
“It would be lame if I danced with myself- again,” Taylor joked. Renee stared deeply into the other girl’s eyes trying to read her. She laughed at her joke finally when she couldn’t see anything telling there.
“Couldn’t you have danced with the lovely Jack?” Renee purred, knowing the answer that was coming.
“Well, I would much rather dance with you. If you hadn’t noticed yet, I don’t exactly play for that team."
Renee smiled at her as she wrapped her arms tighter around the girl’s neck and pressed her lips against her ear.
“I noticed,” was her only reply as the two girls started grinding against each other, one feeling overwhelmed with intense feelings, the other feeling a type of curious loss that was unexplainable.

“Gag,” Shannon said and rolled her eyes dramatically. She put her feet up on the table and licked her straw sensually. Jack let his eyes catch on the girl’s actions for a moment before he asked her what had been on his mind since they had left.
“Why won’t she reciprocate when I hit on her? Is it because I’m black?”
Shannon laughed almost sinisterly at the question as her and her newfound ‘brood buddy’ watched the girls dance even closer then they were previously. “Honey, it’s got nothing to do with the fact that you’re black,” Shannon said quietly. Her voice was barely audible over the loud music but Jack heard, and he was now even more confused.
“What is it then?” The poor guy asked Shannon dejectedly. She shook her head as her eyes tried to shoot lasers at the girls on the dance floor. She couldn’t outright tell him, because that would leave her in a compromising position in his simple mind. So instead she decided she would merely point the obvious things out to him.

“I like dancing with you,” Taylor told Renee.
Renee nodded absentmindedly as her blue eyes darted over her partners shoulder to the table that was only a few yards away.
“Me too,” Renee mumbled as she saw Shannon lean over toward Jack, covering her mouth with her hand as she told him something. He nodded, a confused look apparent on his face. The whole while Shannon was smiling mischievously, but something dark was in her eyes. Renee glared and turned her attention back to Taylor.
“So, I was wondering something,” Taylor started.
When it sounded as if she didn’t want to continue Renee urged her with a look. Taylor sighed before saying ‘Now don’t freak out’. Renee nodded and waited impatiently.
“I wanted to know if you’d be interested in heading to this restaurant tomorrow? With me,” Taylor asked simply, her confidence showed through brightly and made Renee blush a little.
“I- I-”

“See how close they’re dancing? That’s not how you dance with a girl that’s a friend,” Shannon told Jack slowly, her eyebrows rose suggestively.
The clueless male was still oblivious after the sixth hint and Shannon was starting to get pissed. She looked away angrily to see that Kat was working behind the bar serving shots and mixes quickly to the few people that lingered. She was meaning to thank her for her advice the night of her emotional breakdown that had blocked out all rational thinking. She wanted to desperately tell Renee about that night, but not now.
“Look at the way Taylor’s hand is on Renee’s back in an authoritative way, and how when she talks to her, she puts her lips near her ear,” Shannon said leaning back in her chair finally as the boy observed. Shannon had always been an excellent observer of body language and it was a trick that came in handy very often.
“I still don’t-”
Shannon cursed and turned to Jack, “She’s gay!” she yelled, almost loud enough for the couple to hear her. She sat back down with as a deep sigh as she analyzed Jack closely. The realization ticked over in his head and Shannon nodded supportively. “Taylor’s very, very gay, Jack. Sorry,” she added the last part softly. The hurt was so strong in her small voice that Jack took notice of the helpless brunette in front of him for the first time since he had met her.
“H-How are you so sure?”
His voice was hoarse; his mouth dry. He knew something-something obvious that he should have sensed since the two shook hands. But he just couldn’t put his finger on it. Little did he know that Renee was having the same problem not far away.

“Sure, I guess. Wait, is this a date?” Renee asked her new friend.
She would be embarrassed if she had read too much into it, but she would also be embarrassed if she was completely oblivious to what was supposed to be obvious.
Taylor’s eyes lifted from Renee’s lips and she smiled deviously, “Nah.”
She shook her head and replied with a wink. Renee’s stomach flopped, she didn’t know if it was in a good way or bad.
“Right, so we’re just two friends- going out to eat together.”
“As friends, as friend do all the time.”
“Right.” Renee said again, trying to push some of the pressure away.
What would Shannon say?

“I’m sure because-” Shannon struggled with herself as she looked into his comforting brown eyes. She knew she couldn’t exactly trust him, but from past experiences, it never hurt to be honest. Not that telling him this little piece of information would secure the thought in his mind that she was head over heels in love with the girl out on the dance floor. But she just didn’t want to be more obvious then she already was. “Taylor is my ex.”
Shannon had recognized Taylor from the moment she had met her earlier that night. It was in New York where the two had been together. For the short amount of time they shared, Taylor was the kind of girl that when she saw something she wanted, she went for it. She went for a lot of things; like Renee for example. Now she was in Minnesota and Shannon didn’t know why.
She sat up as she saw the two girls making their way back the table. Renee looked awfully nervous and smiled weakly, “How about we head home, Shannon?” she asked.
Shannon looked at Renee curiously and then to Taylor who was standing behind her giving the same look. Shannon guessed they wouldn’t be having their little heart to heart.
“Sure,” she replied and stood up, “It was nice meeting the two of you.” Shannon lied.
It was anything but nice.
“You too,” Jack said, “I wouldn’t have known about, well, you know.”
Shannon shook head amusingly. Guys could be so brainless when it came to what was right in front of them, “Good thing they’re not our only choice,” she said which earned her another perplexed look.
Renee took hold of Shannon’s arm, “Come on,” she urged pulling Shannon away from the table.
“Nice meeting you, Renee. I look forward to tomorrow night.”
Shannon looked back to Taylor who was waving; when Taylor caught her eyes, she smiled smugly.
Shannon shot back a pretentious look then turned away to catch up with Renee.
It was half way towards the exit when Shannon stopped her, “Tomorrow night?”
Renee looked around unsurely, “Yeah, we’re going to eat.”
“Isn’t that a date?” Shannon asked wondering what it was that made Renee agree. Not in a million years would she ever be so subtle.
“No,” Renee said, wanting to believe it, but deep down she knew why she was asked, “Just as friends.”
“Alright,” Shannon smiled and shrugged, “Let’s get you back home.”
Shannon didn’t think that she would tell Renee about Taylor until later. Maybe after she got home from the date and they could finally catch up on what they’ve been meaning to discuss since that morning. They couldn’t at school with all the faculty and students around, so it would have to be put on hold. Again. Shannon had come to the club in hopes to talk to Renee in confidence even if it wasn’t the most quiet of places. It had been put off long enough because of all the things that kept getting in the way. Shannon had thought that they could be alone in the comfort of their booth and have a couple drinks to be put at ease about their situation. That was until Taylor had come along. Shannon made a mental note to ask Renee why it was that she was in Minnesota of all places. The one good thing about it all was that if she couldn’t further Renee’s sexual self-assurance, at least Taylor would send her in the right direction.
It’s going to be a long day…

Chapter 18: Moving on Up
Renee had invited Shannon over that day after school to pick something out to wear. Her mother had gone grocery shopping and would be home later that night. All through the school day Renee had been anticipating tonight, thinking about what she was going to wear. What she was going to say, and for some reason she couldn’t find a suitable outfit. Shannon had teased her and kept hinting at the possibility that it was a date, “You better watch out,” Shannon whispered, “She might try something with you.”
“Shannon, it’s not a date!”
Renee instantly pushed the thought away. They were just going to hang out-that’s it. Or at least, all Renee expected was going to happen.
“Remind me of that what she’s trying to get in your pants!”
Renee gave her an annoyed look and picked up a pillow. Shannon ducked as Renee threw it, “You’re making this out to be much more than it is,” she insisted.
Renee sat down on her bed and fell backward. She rubbed her face in weariness. Why couldn’t they just talk like they used to?
“You’re just jealous!” Renee heard herself say.
“Jealous?” Shannon laughed, “Trust me, it’s nothing to me.”
“I think you’re upset that I’m going to be spending a night out and you’re not involved!”
“Oh, that’s it, Renee.” Shannon rolled her eyes as she walked in front of the closet, "I'm so jealous!"
“You’re sure acting like it.”
“Just forget it, okay?”
Renee had fun watching Shannon squirm. The tables had turned. This time it was Shannon who was wondering what she was doing when she wasn’t around.
“It’s not like you’re my girlfriend,” Renee muttered, “You have no right to be.”
Renee saw Shannon stop where she was and turn, “Who said I wanted to be?”
“N-no one,” she stammered.
She wasn’t ready to admit her feelings. Not when in just a few hours she would be with another girl.
“That’s what I thought.” Shannon smiled tightly, “Get over here, Renee.”
Renee obliged and walked over to where Shannon was. She held up a pair of khaki pants, black shirt, and a pair of Converse.
“Don’t worry,” Shannon pushed the clothes into Renee’s arms, “She’s not going to be ogling your goodies.”
Renee grinned, “Yeah, that’d be so horrible.”
She sighed nervously not at all looking forward to what was to come later that night.

Renee sat on the couch patiently waiting for Taylor to arrive. Shannon had stuck around to keep her company. Despite how nervous Renee was, she didn’t feel like talking. Really, she just didn’t want to get into it with Shannon because if she did, it would be all downhill from there. They sat in silence as Mrs. Wilks busied herself with random tasks in the kitchen trying to keep out of the range of fire.
“What did you say her name was, Renee?” she called out.
“Taylor,” Renee replied finally having a moment to look away from Shannon’s eyes.
“Where did you meet her?”
Renee looked at Shannon unsurely who shrugged, “School.”
“Am I going to be able to meet her parents before you go out tonight?”
“No.”
Renee glared at Shannon who stifled a laugh then continued, “I’ll be fine.”
“I still want to meet her. We already found out what happened when you associated with a complete stranger.”
Renee didn’t respond to her mother’s order and leaned back into the cushion of the couch. She smiled apologetically to Shannon who let her mouth hang open in shock from the comment that was made.
Renee quickly forgot Shannon as the doorbell was rung. Her palms started to sweat and her heart thumped loudly as she walked past Shannon and to the door. Taking the time to wipe them on her pants, she reached for the door handle. There stood Taylor. She was wearing a very formal, yet short, dress that was black with multiple sequins. Over it, there was a full-length white shrug that covered her arms and her hair was pulled back half way in a ponytail with berets, “Hey,” she said.
She looked gorgeous.
Renee didn’t say anything, but looked over to Shannon who was signaling that she was going to leave. Renee nodded and turned back to Taylor, “We can-“
Renee closed her eyes embarrassingly as she heard her mother’s voice coming closer, “Renee,” she yelled as she dried off her hands with a dishtowel, “Wait a moment.”
Renee pulled the door to where it was fully open revealing Taylor.
Taylor smiled as she saw her and held out her hand, “Taylor Cross.”
“Well, Taylor,” her mother grinned, “I’m Mrs. Wilks. You can call me Laura though.”
What the hell kind of charade is she putting on? Where was this when Shannon came along?
“Nice to meet you, Laura.”
Renee rolled her eyes, “We really should be going,” Renee argued, “We’ll miss our reservations.”
“It’s okay, Renee. Honestly,” Taylor said, “We have all night.”
Mrs. Wilks, or “Laura” as she would like to be called, shook her head, “No, you two go ahead. I don’t want to keep you waiting.”
Taylor pulled Renee closer, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her.”
Renee looked at her mother’s expression. She looked thrilled to actually be letting Renee leave on a school night.
Taylor was about to drag Renee off to her blue convertible that sat parked out front when her mother stopped her, “Now why don’t you have more friends like that?”
Renee clenched her teeth trying to hold back the remark she was about to make.
“Who knows,” she replied.

Stalker. That’s what she was. She was shallow, and no good, and wrong. She was doing it though. She was spying. Shannon Willis, because she had made no move, was spying on Renee. She felt horrible. Across the restaurant, in a table for one by the bathroom, she hid behind a menu. After waving the waiter away when he asked if she would like anything to drink, she peeked at the two who sat rather cozy in the booth they shared. They were talking to each other closely. Ever so often Shannon would see Taylor place her hand on Renee’s and she’d get a burning feeling in her stomach. No wonder Renee had felt so horrible after the fiasco with Denise. Shannon wished she could tell Renee that she was sorry-that she never meant to hurt her. After letting the menu fall to the table, she sat back and watched the two as they ordered. Renee, never the one to be confident, let Taylor cut in to order for her. The waiter then smiled at them both and walked away to the kitchen.
Shannon gasped as she was tapped on the shoulder. She turned to see a burly man who was quite old standing in front of her. It was the manager.
“Excuse me,” he paused to lean on the table and looked her square in the eye, “If you’re not going to be ordering anything, you need to assist yourself towards the exit. We have paying costumers waiting, and we would really like to have them seated.”
Shannon stood up slowly as he rose up off the table ledge, “You really don’t understand, I’m on a…mission of sorts.”
He glanced over to where she was looking and saw the two girls, “You’ll have to work something out later.”
Shannon stuttered trying to think of something to tell him to let her stay. She needed to do this. If not for herself, at least Renee. She couldn’t trust Taylor to not take advantage.
He gripped her forearm and pulled her towards the exit. Shannon blushed as people turned to stare. Here she was, rock bottom, and now she was getting kicked out with an audience. Shannon froze as she saw Renee step in front of her, “She’s with me,” she said.
The manager looked down at Shannon then to Renee. He let go of her arm and shrugged, “Alright, but please sit at the assigned table."
Shannon nodded and rubbed her arm as he walked away, “Man, it’s like he had a death grip on my arm. I swear it’s about to fall-“
“Shannon,” Renee said sternly, “What are you doing here?”
Shannon turned to see Taylor take a sip of her drink and smile. Shannon jumped as she felt Renee’s hand on her arm, “Were you spying on me?”
Shannon’s throat closed up. Never before had she seen Renee look so upset…so, unsympathetic.
“No-no, of course not.” Shannon shook her head in disbelief, “Why would I do that?”
Renee crossed her arms, ignoring the stares that were effulging her, “I don’t know. Maybe because you’re egotistical?”
Shannon let her mouth drop, “I’m what?”
“You’re selfish, Shannon! You think about nothing but yourself. Couldn’t you have just let this one thing be mine? Instead you just screwed everything up!”
I’ve done nothing but think of you…
Taylor had walked over now and slipped her arm around Renee’s waist. Shannon felt her heart crash, “You really should be going, Shannon.”
“Going? You’re one to talk! I can’t believe-“
The manager had come up again to Shannon, “You’re creating quite a scene. I suggest you take this outside.”
All three girls looked at him then at each other. Taylor dug into her purse and threw a couple twenties on the table, “Let’s hit the madness.”

Chapter 19: Unfinished Business
Shannon stepped out into the ally that ran between two brick buildings.
Renee had followed behind in a steady rhythm while Taylor held tight to her hand. It was when they were by a dumpster that Shannon stopped and turned.
“You were saying?” Taylor asked haughtily.
The two girls ignored Renee who was standing on the sidelines watching the intense fight. This was unfinished business they had to solve.
“Why are you here?” Shannon demanded.
Unlike Shannon, Taylor didn’t think before she spoke. Shannon knew how to play her. The ins and outs of how she thought. When Taylor was mad, she said things without realization until it was too late.
“Me? You’re the one interrupting our date!”
Shannon smiled, “Finally got what was coming to you, Taylor?”
“Date?” Renee asked coming in between them, “This was a date?”
“No, no. It wasn’t a date-“ Shannon was starting to sweat under the pressure, “You know what I mean!”
“Actually I don’t,” Renee asked this in a calm and comforting manner-not angry
Taylor turned around in a circle and threw her hands up in the air in frustration, “What I mean, what I mean is…aw, shit.”
Shannon had finally gotten Taylor to crack.
“Do you two know each other?” Renee asked, her voice low.
This time Shannon recognized the tone in her voice. She knew what was going to happen next.
“As of matter of fact,” Taylor paused, “We go back a few years.”
Shannon blinked. It was just her lucky night, “Taylor is one of my exes from New York.”
Renee was stunned, “You were going to tell me this when?”
Shannon figured this was directed towards her, “Well, um, when you got home. I was planning on talking to you about Denise.”
“Denise?” Taylor laughed, “How many girls have you bagged, Shan?”
Shannon shot Taylor a dirty look, “I’m sorry, Renee.”
In a plot to seek revenge on Taylor, she had started a battle with herself.
First Renee’s eyes flickered with something Shannon couldn’t understand, fury- optimism-envy? Shannon couldn’t tell. Her eyes told no secrets. That’s when she reached for Taylor’s arm as her voice broke, “Get me away from here,”
Shannon tried to stop her-to plead for her to stay so that she could apologize. She always screwed things up. Renee was right-she was jealous that Taylor was experiencing what Shannon had only dreamt of.
She called for Renee to stay in a last resort as they got further down the ally and to the street. Shannon ran out to try to stop Renee from getting into the car to go off and be alone with Taylor. She watched Renee hurry across the avenue and Taylor open the door for her wasting no time.
It was when Renee was getting in that Shannon stopped abruptly as a car pulled out in front of her so that she could no longer get to her. When it passed, she was left looking at the deserted pavement where the convertible used to be. They had escaped. Shannon knew that even if she had caught up to Renee, she wouldn’t have stayed to listen to anymore of her excuses. Shannon felt like she would break down right then and there and cry. Instead, she pulled herself up, grabbed her purse from where it had fallen, and drove home silently. The tears ran down her cheeks. For the first time she cried. She had told herself she would never cry over a girl. The tears hid nothing but showed the truth and her feelings. She had lied to her best friend in the whole entire world, the only one who understood her. Not her family, not the girls from New York, not her peers. No one but Renee. If she was honest enough, she would had admitted that it was the girl she had only loved.

“So,” Taylor said awkwardly. The car was parked on the side of the road not too far from a Minnesota lake. Renee remembered driving down the same road to visit her grandparents during the summer. It was silent for most of the ride there and now only few cars would pass them breaking the tension.
“You should have told me,” Renee said sensibly, “We’re you ever going to even bring it up?”
‘How could Shannon do that to me and not tell me the truth?’ Renee asked angrily, ‘How could someone I felt so much for lead me on?’
Renee gripped the side of seat harshly trying to keep her nerves at bay. She couldn’t break down in front of Taylor.
“Truthfully, no.” Taylor paused, “If I knew it meant so much to you, I would have. I know I should have told you that what I wanted was a date. My expectations had been high, and you probably would have never agreed to go if you knew. I’m sorry, I want you to know that.”
Renee nodded in agreement knowing it was true. Taylor was just like any other girl looking for love. She was vulnerable just like Renee and had put her feelings out on the line in spite of that.
Renee looked away as a warm sensation caught the attention of her upper thigh. Renee’s eyes flickered down to see Taylor’s hand resting softly on her leg then back up to her eager eyes.
Renee nodded slowly and swallowed as Taylor’s lips crept towards hers. Renee closed her eyes and waited. Renee’s thoughts were “pull away”, but she pushed the voice away. She welcomed her first homosexual kiss. She dug down deep, waiting to feel something. Anything that would give a sign of what she had been beating herself up over for the past months. Taylor’s lips crashed down on Renee’s finally. Renee’s breath didn’t catch, her head didn’t spin, her heart didn’t flutter, her legs didn’t wobble, and her crotch didn’t throb. Her lips were on Renee’s, moving around. Renee kissed back mechanically, but felt nothing inside. It just was. She pulled away, “What are you doing?” she asked like what just happened didn’t exist.
Taylor pulled away and looked around, “Something wrong?” she asked, her lips red.
Renee looked down at Taylor’s hand still on her leg and moved it away, “I want to go home.”
“What?”
“Take me home,” she said more firmly as she stared straight ahead.
“So, that’s it?” Taylor turned away and hit the steering wheel.
“What did you expect?”
“What did I expect?” Taylor shook her head, “You’re just like any other girl experimenting. It’s all fun and games until it gets all hot and heavy then it’s back on the straight bus. This might not have been a date, but I knew there was something about you. Something different not like any other girls.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t feel about you that way…I can’t.”
Renee scrunched her eyebrows, “I can’t.” she repeated trying to get it through her head. Even if I know it’s what I want, who I want, I can’t.
“Well I’m sorry for asking you out. I better get you home before mother worries.” Taylor snapped as she shoved the keys into the ignition and the engine thundered.
“I’m just-I’m just confused, Taylor. I don’t want to feel these things inside me.”
Taylor shook her head and made left turn back onto the road.

It was when they were two blocks from Renee’s house that Taylor spoke, “I understand,” she said soothingly.
Renee didn’t say anything. She was too frustrated.
“You love her.”
Renee’s throat went dry and she sputtered pathetically for her next words.
“Love who?”
Renee kept her eyes looking out the window, “Shannon. It was written all over your face, Renee. Don’t play dumb, it’s not cute on you.”
Taylor giggled and finally turned onto Renee’ street. Renee checked her watch to see that it was nearly twelve.
“I do not,” Renee lied.
She did know just how she felt. She wanted Shannon so bad, but it hurt knowing she’d never be able to have her.
“It’s okay. I get it,” Taylor said with a comforting smile, “It’s hard to get past what you know is right and what’s true. The bad part about being gay is that some people you’ve known all your life, gone to school with, or don’t even know, might hate you for it.”
Renee turned towards Taylor to find her starring at her, “Screw it. I can’t deal with this.”
“You have to, Renee. You can’t deny what’s right in front of you.”
Renee kept her mouth shut until Taylor drove up in front of her house.
Taylor saw that the light was on, “Even if it doesn’t work out, Renee. I hope we can stay friends after all this is done.”
“Thanks for everything,” she whispered as she leaned over to hug Taylor.
“One more thing,” Renee started.
“What?”
"What are you doing here in Minnesota?”
Taylor laughed, “Road trip to California. I had heard Shannon moved here and decided to stop by. Even if we ended badly, I know that you can always patch things up with that girl.”
Renee laughed with her, “Thanks again,” she breathed.
The words of engorgement gave her hope. They always made up.
Taylor nodded to Renee as she stepped away to the curb. Renee waved as the car rumbled down the street. It was then quiet. Dark green eyes watched from the shadows the entire time. Renee had noticed the car parked across the street. With it being nighttime, the big black SUV was almost hidden.
Shannon glared and started up the car. As she hit the gas, the tires squealed on the pavement.
Renee turned around quickly to see the familiar Escalade pulling away from across the street. Renee hurried out to the car and even if it meant getting hit, anything would be better than the feeling that was coursing through her. She stepped out in front of moving vehicle. Renee knew who it was.
The tires screeched to a halt and Renee stood with her hand up trying to shield away the glare from the headlights. Shannon looked at her from the inside as Renee rested her hands on the hood in exhaustion. Renee prayed that Shannon would step out. She was grateful when she saw the door swing open and heels crunch down on the loose gravel.
“I could have killed you!” she exclaimed, her face white.
Renee pushed up from the hood and stepped around to where Shannon stood, “Why is it that we always seem to have our conversations at night?” Renee asked.
Shannon wasn’t amused, “It’s in the dark that people show the world who they really are. I’m-I’m sorry…I shouldn’t had followed you on your date.”
“I wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”
“What? Forgive-“
“You.” Renee finished, “I know that you did it because you care.”
Shannon was quiet and Renee took it as a sign to move on.
“When Taylor kissed me, I wished it were you. When her lips were on mine, I was thinking of you.”
Shannon looked away, but spoke solemnly, “I always think of you.”
This was good. They were finally getting somewhere. Renee was about to continue when the front door to her house was thrown open, “Renee, what are you doing still outside?”
Renee cringed and turned towards her mother, “Be right in!” she called out.
Shannon took hold of Renee’s hand; “We’ll continue this later.”
Renee nodded, “Tomorrow.”

Chapter 20: False Exhibitions
Matthew wasn’t a bad kisser; he smelt like cologne and he tasted like he had peppermint candy in his mouth. He was sweet, too. She had noticed him when he came in that he looked different. His hair wasn't as gelled, instead it was in disaray. His clothes more fashionable, and his glasses were instead contacts. He didn't look the way he had last time she saw him. She wondred what had caused the change in his appearance or whom. She looked over to Shannon out of the corner of her eye; speculating that maybe she had gotten ahold of Matthew before this. She soon let that fade away as she returned her attention to Matthew again.
He didn’t feel the need to suffocate her with his tongue as it was tentivley moving in deeper. Renee was surprised he actually knew what he was doing. She almost laughed, feeling that she was kissing Matthew of all people. But when he pulled away (was pulled away, by Shannon’s small hands on his shoulders), Renee wasn’t sorry.
This was all new. Shannon had planned a way to get Renee to finally decide on the path she would take. They had called Matthew, who was the speicmen in their little game. It was after school and they were in Shannon’s room, blinds shut and lights dimmed. Renee wondered what made him agree and stick around once they began.
She dropped her gaze to the floor, feeling her cheeks burn because she had never done something like this before. It felt exhilarating. It felt wrong. She heard Shannon say, voice was a low whisper, “My turn,”
Renee looked up to see Shannon pressing her mouth against Matthew’s. Then they’re kissing, open-mouthed, and Shannon’s hands liberally scanning across his chest, finding the buttons of his shirt, easily undoing them. And all Renee could do was watch, jaw slack, lips still tingling. Shannon had agreed to take part only to make Renee not so nervous. She had once been with guys, kissed guys, so she knew what it meant to choose between the beautiful guys, and the girls with just the same features making her want them just the same.
Matthew became a blurred mass, almost disappeard from her line of sight, and all she could concentrate on was Shannon, memorizing the way she looked as she kisses: eyes closed, lips parted, hands wandering. For a moment, Renee felt those hands on her own body, felt those lips glide across her mouth. And she shuddered and blinked, because she was supposed to want Matthew, should be staring at him. But Shannon was beautiful, such a beautiful girl, and Renee felt like she was going a little out of her mind, watching her kiss someone else.
Why did she think she could play this game?
It went on long enough that she began feeling a dull ache low in her belly, between her legs. She was repulsed and turned on, and she couildn’t explain the feeling, couldn’t even explain to herself why it made her so angry. She wrapped strong fingers around Matthew’s arm and pulled him toward her. His eyes were closed and he had a dopey smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss her. His mouth was a little wet too, and when Renee licked her tongue across it, she thought she could taste Shannon. Guilt wared with desire as she imagined smaller hands gripping her waist, imagined what it’d be like to tangle her fingers in long, dark curls. She kept her hands on Matthew’s forearms and pretended, let her mind fill in the missing puzzle peices. She knew what they’d form. And she knew Shannon was watching, too. Renee wanted to show her, wanted to make her jealous. So she drove her tongue into Matthew’s mouth, feeling a shock of delight when she thought she heard a little sound coming from Shannon. Renee could feel her staring, eyes burning into her body.
They switched, and it began all over again. The buildup: watching and waiting to feel, to pretend. Then Matthew was gone, off to the bathroom, and Shannon was making some joke. Together they laughed when he walked out the room, but Renee felt her stomach spin, felt a low nervousness as she was being left alone with Shannon, who asked, “What do you think?”
“He’s still cute, and sweet, but…”
“A guy, I know.”
Renee nodded, wondering what Shannon was driving at, what possessed her to begin the mind games in the first place. And Renee wondered, too, why she had been playing along.
“Yeah, it does seem pretty stupid for the two of us to be doing this with him.”
“Trust me, I don’t want him. I’ve already played that hand.”
They sat on the bed, and Renee felt it sway beneath her, knew her body was still unsteady, unbalanced.
“I just wanted to mess with him. And you.”
And there it was--the truth.
Renee shook her head, “Nice.”
“So, what about us?” Shannon asked, “I thought this might clear up some confusion on your part.”
Shannon was staring at her, face serious, and Renee didn’t think she could keep up.
One more truth and she’d crumble beneath Shannon’s gaze. But she told her anyway, because the words are burning to get out. She looked down and away.
“Well, I think I like girls.”
When Shannon glanced up, she saw a small smile playing on her face. It made her feel wanted, desired; that smile was better than a hundred thousand of Matthew’s kisses.
“Like, like?” Shannon asked.
Renee shrugged, the little girl getting the best of her, “I just need to be sure.”
Renee knew what it was like to kiss a girl. Knew that it was just like kissing a guy, like Matthew. But when Taylor had kissed her, she didn’t feel anything. Not anything like she felt with Shannon.
And when Shannon replied, “Really?” she thought she’d sink under the pressure of that steady gaze, green eyes so deep she wanted to drown in them. Then Shannon begins to lean in, and all Renee could think was, “Oh, my God” because she knew that lean, knew the look on Shannon’s face. The same way it was before. She’s wanted that look, wanted that lean, for so long, that her body trembled. When Shannon placed tentative fingers on her face, saying, “Then let’s be sure,” Renee inhaled sharply.
It was not okay, she thought, because it felt like her heart was going to pound its way out her chest, and she’ll die, she knew it, if those lips finally found hers.
Renee pulled away once again, the fear settling in as she heard Matthew making his way up the stairs. Shannon looked towards the stairs with the same look Renee did as they watched Matthew walk back in, “My mom just called,” he held up his cellphone, “I’ve got to go.”
Renee stood up quickly, “How about we get together tomorrow?
“Together?” he asked looking over to Shannon then to Renee, “It’s not going to be like this is it?”
“No-no. Just us…no games.”
“Well,” he scratched his head, “Alright.”
Renee looked over to Shannon to see her expression and found her looking away, but talking, “Have fun, Ren.”
Renee picked up her bag figuring the session was over, “See you at school.”
And Renee couldn’t listen anymore. She had to get out, had to leave. She glanced up at Shannon and saw the anger and frustration in her face, but she couldn’t do anything about that now. Shannon wanted it to be their time, their way of figuring things out; together. She couldn’t stay though, because if she didn’t go, she’d be afraid of what she’d do and of what would happen. And then she’d slip-slide into something she knew she wanted too badly, but wasn’t sure she was ready for. So she ran away, leaving behind an angry Shannon and a confused Matthew.
This was easier, it was smarter, she told herself. She needed to do it on her own and alreay had a plan of action in effect. But when she got home and past her mother, she wasn’t feeling any safer. She closed the door to her room, locked it, and laid on her bed. Her heart does the same dance it did earlier when she rememberd the closeness of Shannon's mouth, the heat coming off her fingertips as they stroked her face, moved to cup her cheek. She wished to be in that position again without any limitations.

i love it!! i'm very anxious to read more. you have a few places where it needs work, but overall it is a wonderful story.

it's interesting!

This was interesting to read. I'm not usually into reading stuff like this but I'm willing to give it a shot. Can't wait to read more.

Hey! I've realized that you don't really have anybody actually critiquing this. So I figured, why not eh? lol. *goes back to read*

Chapters: Prolouge - Five

Prolouge

It seems too unreal to believe...I don't want to believe it.

The way this is worded is very odd. Probably because you say believe twice, you might want to take one out, it's kind of unnecesarry.

There are two many elipses in this...most of them can be replaced by a period...or a comma...see...isn't it kind of annoying to read with so many of these...dots?

Chapter 1:

Renee, breathless, cursed under her breath.

Same thing as earlier. You say breath (or some form of it) two times very close to each other. It disturbs the flow. Nix the breathless...that should fix it.

So far so good. Definently got me hooked =D I love the emotions and insecurities you display. Also the italics being in first person; very clever. Those were incorporated very well, I hardly even noticed until I looked again. Good job!

Chapter 2:

Also good. I guess my only problem with this would be the lack of consitancy of tense, which is one of my pet peeves. But then I noticed that you were very conistant about that inconistancy, so it's fine. Very good writing. =D

Chapter 3:

They hadn't said Grace that night. Instead, they watched as Shannon served herself, and began eating.

Don't capatalize grace. It makes it a name, as oposed to an action.

Okay, so, I completely saw that coming. But, the okay thing about that was the fact that even though I knew you wrote it in a way that maintained the air of suspence. You made me want to know, and that's key. Good job =D

Chapter 4:

Very emotional, in the best possible sense. I couldn't find any real writing flaws, just goodness. I'm definently hooked now.

Chapter 5:

"Basically,"

Period at the end of this.

I've said this is good before...but just...wow. This is beautiful. Absolutely addicting. Have you considered publication when you're finished with it? Like I said, amazing.

Anyways, I throughly enjoyed what I've read so far, but unfortunantly I've gotta go. I'll get back to this though. Keep up the amazing work.

-JC

Okay, I'm back.

Chapters 6,7

These are both good, I couldn't find many mistakes. So, yeah. I read these a few day's ago, but I couldn't post what I had because internet failed. Yay, I know. Anyways.

What I've seen you do a lot of is weird stuff with dialouge, for example putting a comma where there should be a period.

" You could sneak me in though. It'd be like Mission Impossible. You'd be way hotter than Tom Cruise though,"

That's just an example, I'll leave it up to you to find the rest.

Keep up the good work!
-JC