The Vacuum Cleaner

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Shadowhunter14
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Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:41 am
Shadowhunter14 says... · Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:41 am
I wrote this poem about 3 years ago. I thought it was awesome at the time; it even got published in my school's yearbook, but now I'm not such a big fan....I really put it up just for fun.:D See what you think, it's only four lines but I hope you enjoy reading it anyway.

The anteater begins to feast, dust starts to flutter
Ploughing through grime like a knife through butter.
Its monstrous mouth sucks in dirt through a funnel
Stretching long and thin like a dark, eerie tunnel.

Thanks for reading :)
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Snoink
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Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:56 am
Snoink says... · Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:56 am
Oooh, I do like this! I would like to see it a bit longer, but only because it's rather fantastic! I love your word choice and your imagery. The rhyming also doesn't appear to be forced -- indeed, the rhyming actually seems to help out the poem and gives it a certain cadence.

I like it. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
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qaralynn
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Fri Feb 18, 2011 11:23 pm
qaralynn says... · Fri Feb 18, 2011 11:23 pm
hahah lovely poem XD It made me laugh..
good work, I like it
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."
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I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25