This is my life...

Catching bugs on a sunny day
Praying for sun so we can play
Running around playing "Kick the Can"
This is my life in Japan

Cleaning out the swimming pool
Surviving the endless hours of school
Playing in the field owned by an old man
This is my life in Japan

Monkeys roaming the mountains
Frozen drinking fountains
Comparison of summer tans
This is my life in Japan

Telling my friends I have to move
While many of them disapprove
Seeing them last from a van
That was my life in Japan

Hi Japanese Ninja!

This poem is very nice. There is much to be learned though

"Catching bugs on a sunny day
Praying for sun so we can play"

This line really bugged me, just because it said you were just in the sun, and now you were wishing for sun. What?

Also, your rhythem is really off. Every rhyming poem should have a certain amount of sylables per line, and I'm not seeing that. They're all scattered. Once you fix that problem, the poem will flow a lot more smoothly, and you'll be able to understand it better.

Honestly, this poem has true potentional. I can sense the sadness you feel about leaving Japan, but you aren't putting enough emotion in your words. This type of poem needs a lot of skill to put emotion into, so be sure to try your hardest!

I can't wait to read the edited poem! Pm me if you have any questions, or if you want a more thourough critique.

Lots of love,
Emma.

I quite like this poem. It sounds like you had a lot of fun in japan. Anyway I liked the repetition of

JapaneseNinja wrote:This is my life in Japan

Well done and keep writing!

wow, that is a very nice poem. a person reminiscing, how beautiful. I only noticed the 'sun' thing but other than that it was a great poem.
Bravo!
x Upile x

Thanks for the feed back! I guess I could've switched the sun thing around. I wrote it up for a school assignement, and when I read it aloud in class, my friend who also does YWS said I should post it, so that's what made me post it. I'll try and make it better, and when I do, I will make sure to post it! Thanks for the tips!

Beautiful, Ninja. I sincerely love it. Keep writing.