Junoesqia's Fortune

The dolphin twitched. Dong-mei slid into the water next to it. It shivered and moved a little way away. She swam underneath it. It was a little uncertain.

"Shhhh... Hush, Aquarius. Aqua, Aqua, Aqua, Aquamarine." Dong-mei crooned. She climbed onto its back.

This was the moment. The second when she would know whether or not she had inherited her mother's gift *- to ride the dolphins*. The dolphin convulsed under her. "Whoa! Calm down!" Dong-mei clasped on with her legs. The dolphin let out a screech, just low enough for Dong-mei to hear. It ripped through her heart, like a claw through water. She almost let go, but then remembered. She leaned forward and stroked once, down Aqua's back. Aqua shivered, squeaking slightly. And then, with a powerful flick, they were off. Dong-mei clutched on. The water slid past at impossible speed. Finally after a minute of shooting through the sea, Aqua paused. She leapt up, and then shot...

Down. The salty water tore at Dong-mei's throat, her eyes, her grip. At top speed, Dongmei threw her head back, looking to see the surface. It was but a glitter of light, barely visible. And that was when she let go. As Aqua sped on without her, Dong-mei floated slowly up.

No need to worry, the water would take her there eventually, and she could breathe underwater, like her mother. When the discomfort grew until no-air made her dizzy, Dong-mei sucked in a breath. And thrashed. The salty water was a blow to her heart. Seconds later... I can't breathe! Panic grasped her. Dong-mei stroked upwards a bit, but finally gave in, realising she didn't know which way was up and which down. She hung, suspended, for a couple of seconds, until the lack of oxygen rendered her unconscious.

This is an episode of a 'TV' type story I am emailing to a friend. Just wanted to see what you guys thought. They underlined, asterisked bits are the edited from your guys reviews.
At the moment I'm a little busy with school as well.

I enjoyed reading this. It it were on TV, it sounds like something I'd enjoy watching. I really only main have one point.

This was the moment. The second when she would know whether or not she had inherited her mother's gift.

The concept of breathing underwater is an interesting one to take. It's a supernatural ability that is often chosen and I'm glad this isn't something where the main character shouts in their head 'I can do it!'. However, this lacks some detail. We know nothing of her mother or her gift. What significance does her mother have to her? Why does her mother have this ability? Why does she need to know if she has this ability? These are a few question that should be answered.

Anyway, I hope that helps you in some way. It's the first review I've written because that button has often intimidated me to a stage where I feel like I'd just make myself sound like an idiot =P. I really think you should expand on this story though.

~Sensei

Hmmm. Alright. I will edit - come and see what you think now!

Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Well, this was pretty short and therefore a little difficult to review. It certainly leaves a lot to be explained; this gift Dong-mei inherits from her mother -- why doesn't it seem to work? Is it because of the salt water? Did she badly miscalculate her abilities? More explanation would give the story more depth and background, and serve to make the character feel real and interesting. Of course, I realize this is only a little snippet of the story, so it can't have everything.

Also, the first sentence is very choppy. Look at all of the "it"s:

Dong-mei slid into the water next to it. It shivered and moved a little way away. She swam underneath it. It was a little uncertain.

See how they're next to each other, too? That only lends to the sound that the sentences are repetitive, which you want to avoid. Changing up the order of the words, or cutting them down, or not using quite so many new sentences (semicolons can work just as well, too!) will clean it up quite nicely and give it a better flow for reading.

All right, so that's really all I've got to say. There wasn't much for me to critique! Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (: