Blood chapt.1

Blood
~The VAMPIRE Behind You~

Spoiler

Join the club for this series here: page_info.php?id=991
This is a Fantasy/Romance Novel. Rated 12+ for mild language.

Prologue:
"First, what makes a contract binding? Second, what happens if a party does not carry out his obligations under a contract? Consider this for a moment," I paused.
"And how many of you own a car?"

Sixty-nine out of seventy-two students raised their hand in response.
"Now lets say you buy a new car with a three year warranty. You sign the contract binding you to exceed expectaions.
So by the end of the three years, you must return it the way you bought it, if not at least presentable."

Nick's hand flew up into the air.
"What would happen if you returned it, like, all screwed up?"

"Well, then you will have to pay for it," I explained.

"What if you are, like, cheap or something and, like, can't pay for it?" Nick asked again.

"Then they will take you to court."

Right when I finished my lecture, the bell rang and the class ran out the door to go to lunch.
I turned around and took a seat at my desk and looked at my watch: 12:30.
I was hoping that Brandon would be here to pick me up and take me out for lunch.

I opened the bottom drawer and reached in to grab the Shakespeare essay from my Journalism class, as I put on my glasses, I read the first paper on the pile.

"Proffessor Wright." I looked up from behind my specticles to see one of my best students, still in her seat.

"Hello, Janette! What are you still doing here?"

"Excuse me, ma'am." she smiled. She stood up from her seat and walked toward me.

"Do you believe in vampires?" Her voice seemed icey and distant. Her wavey blonde hair jumped with every step she took until she stood right in front of me.

"Oh, dear. Er, I don't really read vampire books, you see, I am afraid of blood. But you should ask the social studies teacher, Mr. Flastan, I am sure he..."

"No, I don't want to ask him! He won't understand," she interrupted.

"Darling, I am terribly sorry. I just don't know."

"I am not asking if they are real! I already know the answer to that! I want to know if you believe in them!" Her face started to flush red.

"Janette, what is the matter with you? Get to lunch, now!"

I watched as she took her books and angrily walked out, huffing under her breath.
I sighed and continued to check the essays.
What would cause her to ask me these questions? And why did she get so upset?




~Chapter 1~

I took out the briefcase and slammed the trunk of the van close.

"Wow, UCLA has changed in a hundred years..." Josh mummbled under his breath.

"When did you go to UCLA?" I chuckled under my breath.

"It was 1924. I was studing to be an artist, remmember? I am not stupid, Lucian." he frowned.

"Come one, lets go. We have to get this done." Mortimer said.

We walked up the stairs and down the hall. Josh was saying something to Mortimer about a biology lab.

"You listening, Lucian?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Sure..." I replied, staring inside the empty classrooms.

We turned the corner.
I felt a a hard object hit my chin and a ton of bricks fall on my foot.

"Oh, my! I am so sorry..."
I noticed a woman with long chestnut brown hair kneeling over, picking up a large pile of books from the floor.
"I can't get used to these contacts! Stupid me, stepping on my glasses...breaking them, having to pay for new ones. Stupid, stupid, stupid." I got down to my knees and helped her pick up her books. Her face only inches from mine, so close I could smell her shampoo. So close I could sense blood rushing threw her veins.

She looked up, from her thick curtian of hair and gasped loudly. Her freckled cheeks blushed bright pink.
Well, what do you expect? We were made to attract them, from our looks, to our smell and to our breath.
I handed her the books and she rushed down the opposite side of the hall.
I would have mistaken her for an immortal, too.

Her long legs stretched out with each step. She had long chestnut hair was pulled up in a ponytail, that ended around her waist. She was fairly tall, even though her forehead hit my chin, moments ago, she must have been 5 foot 6 or 5 foot 7.
She had a sharp, pointed nose that had marks on the side, from wearing glasses for too long. And behind the glasses, she had kind, but sassy forest green eyes. Her full lips were colored red from lipstick.

"Wow, man. She looks nice that dress." Josh chuckled. The girl wore a black cocktail dress with pearls around her neck.

"Josh! She's just a student!" I glared at him in disgust.

"No, Lucian. Her name is Lauren Wright, or better known as Proffessor Wright, the teacher for Journalism and Law." Mortimer said. I laughed as Josh's jaw dropped.

"But why is she still here? And in that dress?" Josh asked.

"Its nine o'clock. Why would students still be in class?" I grumbled.

"You're the one who thought..."

"Have you guys never seen her before, or even see her picture." Mortimer asked.

"Er..." I glanced at Josh. "Well, I have been working on the Crimwall case. I have just been notified this morning, to come and help you." I shrugged.

"And I didn't recognize her. You don't usually see a teacher who dresses the part, run around in a cocktail dress."

"Ma'am!" Mortimer called after the woman. She turned around, her hair glowed in the sunlight. "May we speak to you?"
She sighed and came back around.

"Yes, sir?" she asked.

"Can we speak to you in a more private place, like...your office?" Josh asked.

"I am terribly sorry. I have reservations for dinner..."

I elbowed Josh when I caught him checking her out. He turned to me and thought,
Well, its not my fault. Shes the one who is dressed like shes about to go to a night club, for God's sake!
I rolled my eyes at him as Mortimer took a step toward her, while she took a step back. Immortals had the ability to read each others mind. Older ones are able to close there mind from others, for their own safety. But younger ones like Josh, who is only about ninety years old, can be read very easily.

"This is very important, we must talk to you." he said, forcefully. "This is serious. Just for twenty minutes." he added.
She sighed and said,

"Okay, fine. I'm room 136." she agreed. "But you guys have to help me with these books."
We each took thirteen books, so that she wouldn't have to hold any.
"How did you carry all these books?" Josh asked.

She shrugged and took out a blackberry from her Gucci purse.
"I read a lot. And my students do too."

Mortimer turned his head to the side.
"Othello, The Moor of Venice, by Shakespere." he glanced at her.

"Yeah, when I asked them what they thought of the play, they said that they have never heard of it. I read the book when I was in ninth grade, so I assigned it to them. They finished reading it last month. I am just returning it to the library." she explained.

"Whats it about?" Josh asked, staring at her backside.

"Er, its hard to explain.
Its a tragedy is believed to have been written in approximately 1603. The work revolves around four central characters: Othello, his wife Desdemona, his lieutenant Cassio and his trusted advisor Iago. Attesting to its enduring popularity, the play appeared in seven editions between 1622 and 1705. Because of its varied themes — racism, love, jealousy and betrayal — it remains relevant to the present day and is often performed in professional and community theatres alike..." she rambled on.

"Wow, your sure good at explaining things." Josh said, not really paying attention.
She turned her head to him and gave him a terrible glare. It took him a moment to snap out of it and look at her.
She pointed to her face and said,

"I'm up here."

Me and Mortimer burst out laughing as we walked up to her classroom. She placed her cell phone between her cheek and shoulder and unlocked the door.

"Hello, yes dear. I'm sorry, I will be a little late..." she glared at us as the door creaked open and she walked in. "In twenty minutes. Okay, I'll tell you later. Bye." she hung up and put her phone back in her purse and pointed to her desk.

"Just put them over there, I'll pick them up later. So what did you want to talk to me about?"

We stepped into a brightly lit classroom, that could occupy about a hundred people. There was a dark chocolate brown desk at the front, behind it was a chalkbooard. Beside the desk was an overhead projector with papers piled on top of it. There were canvas paintings all over the walls. Some were of nature, waterfalls, mountains, rivers, and fields.
There were flowers. Roses, hydrangeas, Lilacs, Orchids, and Jasmines. Some were abstract, pinks, greens, blues, and reds.

But most were modern. Beautiful architecture hung on the plain white walls,
of buildings in New Yok, India, Londan, and even here in Los Angeles.
Josh stepped forward.
"Has your car been stolen recantly, a Porshe?" he asked her.

"Yes..." she raised her eyebrows.

I unlocked the briefcase and opened it.

"And when was this?" Josh asked.

"Last Tuesday. It was 5:30 in the morning and when I came back out at 7:00 pm it was gone. I reported it to the police..."

"Do you know a Janette McKinley?" I asked, pulling out some papers.

"Yes, shes in my Law class. But, what does she have to do with..."

"Is this your car?" I showed her a picture of a dirty yellow Porshe.

"Yes, but it didn't look like this! What..."

"When was the last time you saw her?" I asked.
She leaned over her desk and grabbed a clipboard and glanced at me.

"Last Tuesday." she answered. "I have my Law classes on Tuesdays and Thursday. I marked her absent for last Thursday, and the two classes this week. What is this..."

I showed her another picture.
She stared at the picture of blonde Janette in the trunk of her Porshe with blood smeared all over.
I watched the expression on her face change from annoyed, to full of horror, to her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she fell to the ground.

Spoiler

vampire teeth.jpg (26.98 KiB) Viewed 311 times

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and if you did, press the LIKE button or comment! Please tell me if you think that I should continue with this series. Thanks again!

H'okay, so, for once as far as I can tell, I'm the first one here. xD (If somebody finishes a review before I finish this one-- then I'm the second one >.> Yeah. No duh.) Anyways.

I had quite a few nitpicks-- mostly grammar and punctuation-- that I'll point out first.

lovethelifeulive wrote:"First, what makes a contract binding? Second, what happens if a party does not carry out his obligations under a contract? Consider this for a moment,"... I paused, "and how many of you own a car?"
And how many of you own a car?" Hit enter twice here, breaking the next bit off into a completely new paragraph.
69Sixty-nine out of 72seventy-two students raised their hand in response.

First off, the spacing of paragraphs throughout the piece was a little... odd. Here, the bits in red are things that I added. (They're only one suggestion out of quite a few things you could do, though. Just an example.) You do this throughout the piece. It's just something I'd change. (That may just be me, though. xD Wait for what other reviewers have to say about it, too.)
One more thing about this was that your first sentence wasn't really much of a hook. Diologue can be used to start a novel, but it has to be done carefully-- with words that manage to grasp the reader.

lovethelifeulive wrote:Nick's hand flew up into the air.

You need an apostrophe between "Nick" and the "s." This was probably just a typo, though.

lovethelifeyoulive wrote:I opened the bottom drawer and reached in to grab the Shakespear essay from my Journalism class.
As I put on my glasses and read the first paper on the pile.

The bit I bolded just doesn't make sense where it is at all. Number one-- it's not a complete sentence. It's a fragment. Number two-- it just doesn't fit with what you had above. Here, I would (once again, merge these two lines into a paragraph. More weird spacing) Just omit the "as" that in strikeout.

lovethelifeulive wrote:"Do you believe in vampires?" hHer wavey blonde hair jumped with every step she took until she stood right in front of me.

lovethelifeulive wrote:"No, I don't want to ask him. He won't understand.," she interrupted again.

Okay, so, in those two quotes, I have bits that I fixed up punctuation-wise. I noticed this happening throughout your story, so I figured that I'd address it here.
When you're punctuation dialogue, there are a few things to remember:
1) Like in the first quote, the spoken bit is followed up by an action that isn't related to the way she spoke, or how she spoke. It's the way her hair is moving. So, after the last set of quotation marks, the action should be a completely new sentence. Meaning that the "s" on "she" should be an "S" like "She." Yeah, capitalize the 's'.
2) Like in the second quote, you're talking about the way she spoke or how she spoke. If the word after the dialogue is something like, 'shouted, screamed, whispered, demanded, asked, said, interrupted,' etc... Then unless the punctuation mark before the last quotation mark is a question mark or an exclamation mark, it needs to be a comma. The word after the last quotation mark needs to be like a continuation of the sentence-- uncapitalized. Which you did.

((Wow, did that make sense? I suck at explaining things like that. xD If it doesn't, shoot me a PM.))

lovethelifeulive wrote:"I am not asking if they are real! I already know the answer to that! I want to know if you believe in them!?!?"hHer face started to flush red.

Okay. So, here, the excessive punctuation at the end really wasn't necessary. It doesn't emphasize what she said, it's just an extra bit that will probably end up annoying some readers. Also, this bit wasn't really a question. The student is stating what she wants to know, not repeating the question. So, one exclamation mark here would have been plenty.

And really, it was more or less the same errors throughout, so I won't dwell on that much. Besides, nitpicking things isn't really my favorite.

So--

Overall, this was decently written. The thing that bothered me was that none of your characters had any real quirks or little twists that got me immediately interested. Lauren doesn't seem all that interesting to me, and neither do any of the vampires. (That's obviously what they are, am I right?) She doesn't seem to have much personality to her, if I'm going to be honest. She needs some sort of quirk, some strange fascination or weird habit. A hot tempter, or maybe she's too sweet for her own good. You really don't learn all that much about her other than the way she looks.

What's she like? She's afraid of blood, she's smart, and she likes Shakespeare. That doesn't really show me much about her, though. I want to know her other fears, other things she loves. Now, don't give me all of these things in the first chapter or you'll have no room to let her grow-- just give a bit more of a taste.

As for Lucian-- he's okay, but the very same thing applies to them as Lauren. He's not really that interesting as far as I can tell. Now, you don't have to go make some completely twisted, bizarre character. (Those have to be done very, very carefully or they easily become overkill).

There just wasn't that much that stood out to me in this chapter. There are a few little hooks, like, why did the student get so angry? But it was small, and not quite enough. Add a sprinkle of mystery here, a dash of interest there.

Another thing that I didn't like was when Lucian showed Lauren the picture. In the beginning of that segment, it was almost like he had no idea who she was. Afterwards, though, he knew exactly who she was. Lauren seemed to be the exact reason that the vampire crew were there. You know, assuming I'm right and that's what they are. I don't know, the transition was just a bit odd to me.

This really does have a lot of potential, it just needs some editing and fixing up. I'd definitely be willing to read more.

~~Cass

Overall, I thought this was interesting. Personally, I found your Holocaust story to be much more gripping, but nevertheless, here's what I thought about this story:

Prologue:
"First, what makes a contract binding? Second, what happens if a party does not carry out his obligations under a contract? Consider this for a moment...
And how many of you own a car?"
69 out of 72 students raised their hand in response.

"Now let's say you buy a new car with a three year warranty. You sign the contract binding you to exceed expectaions.
So by the end of the three years, you must return it the way you bought it, if not at least presentable."
Nicks hand flew up into the air.

"What would happen if you returned it, like, all screwed up?"

"Well, then you will have to pay for it." I exlained.

"What if you are, like, cheap or something and ,like, can't pay for it?" Nick asked, again.

"Then they will take you to court."

Right when I finished my lecture, the bell rang and the class ran out the door to go to lunch.
I turned around and took a seat at my desk and looked at my watch,

12:30 The beginning few paragraphs are remarkable, and that's really important.

I was hoping that Brandon would be here to pick me up and take me out for lunch.
I opened the bottom drawer and reached in to grab the Shakespere essay from my Journalism class.
As I put on my glasses and read the first paper on the pile. There's something not grammatically right about this sentence.

"Proffessor Wright." I looked up from behind my specticles to see one of my best students, still in her seat.

"Hello, Janette! What are you still doing here?"

"Excuse me," she interrupted. She stood up from her seat and walked toward me.

"Do you believe in vampires?" her wavey blonde hair jumped with every step she took until she stood right in front of me. I would rewrite these last two sentences.

"Oh, dear. Er, I don't really read vampire books, you see, I am afraid of blood. But you should ask the social studies teacher, Mr. Flastan, I am sure he..."

"No, I don't want to ask him. He won't understand." she interrupted again.

"Darling, I am terribly sorry. I just don't know."

"I am not asking if they are real! I already know the answer to that! I want to know if you believe in them!?!?" her face started to flush red.

"Janette, what is the matter with you? Get to lunch, now!"

I watched as she took her books and angrily walked out, huffing under her breath.
I sighed and continued to check the essays.
What would cause her to ask me these questions? And why did she get so upset? I would ditch these two thoughts, it is implied that your character is thinking that anyway.
I turned my head, when I heard a knock on my door.

"Hey, baby." Brandon stood in the doorway. He wore a blue dress shirt and dark jeans. " You look cute." he refferred to my purple blouse and black knee length skirt.

"Hello, Brandon. Thank you very much. Hold on a moment, dear. I only have one more test to grade."

He sat down at in the front row of seats.
I glanced at Brandon with his hand waving in the air.

"Yes?" I giggled taking off my glasses.

"I'm getting hungry. Wanna ditch school?" a sly smile plastered on his face.

I laughed and stood up. "Yes, lets go. But I have to be back by one."

He lead me out of the building. When we stood in front of his gorgeous slick Jaguar.
He leaned over, kissed my sweetly, and opened the door for me.

I took out the briefcase and slammed the trunk of the van close.

"Wow, UCLA has changed in a hundred years..." Josh mummbled under his breath. I love that line. Don't change it, it suspends your reader.

"When did you go to UCLA?" I chuckled under my breath.

"It was 1924. I was studing to be an artist, remmember? I am not stupid, Lucian." he frowned. This is where I first suspect that your first-person narrator has changed since your prolouge.

"Come one, lets go. We have to get this done." Mortimer said.

We walked up the stairs and down the hall. Josh was saying something to Mortimer about a biology lab.

"You listening, Lucian?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Sure..." I replied, staring inside the empty classrooms.

We turned the corner.
I felt a a hard object hit my chin and a ton of bricks fall on my foot.

"Oh, my! I am so sorry..."
I noticed a woman with long chestnut brown hair kneeling over, picking up a large pile of books from the floor.
"I can't get used to these contacts! Stupid me, stepping on my glasses...breaking them, having to pay for new ones. Stupid, stupid, stupid." I got down to my knees and helped her pick up her books. Her face only inches from mine, so close I could smell her shampoo. So close I could sense blood rushing threw her veins.

She looked up, from her thick curtian of hair and gasped loudly. Her freckled cheeks blushed bright pink.
Well, what do you expect? We were made to attract them, from our looks, to our smell and to our breath.
I handed her the books and she rushed down the opposite side of the hall.
I would have mistaken her for an immortal, too. That line's a keeper, too.

Her long legs stretched out with each step. She had long chestnut hair was pulled up in a ponytail, that ended around her waist. Is this the same woman? She was fairly tall, even though her forehead hit my chin, moments ago, she must have been 5 foot 6 or 5 foot 7.
She had a sharp, pointed nose that had marks on the side, from wearing glasses for too long. And behind the glasses, she had kind, but sassy forest green eyes. Her full lips were colored red from lipstick.

"Wow, man. She looks nice that dress." Josh chuckled. The girl wore a black cocktail dress with pearls around her neck.

"Josh! She's just a student!" I glared at him in disgust.

"No, Lucian. Her name is Lauren Wright, or better known as Proffessor Wright." Mortimer said.
I laughed as Josh's jaw dropped.

"But why is she still here? And in that dress?" Josh asked.

"Its nine o'clock. Why would students still be in class?" I grumbled.

"You're the one who thought..."

"Ma'am!" Mortimer called after the woman. She turned around, her hair glowed in the sunlight. "May we speak to you?"
She sighed and came back around.

"Yes, sir?" she asked.

"Can we speak to you in a more private place, like...your office?" Josh asked.

"I am terribly sorry. I have reservations for dinner..."

I elbowed Josh when I caught him checking her out. He turned to me and thought,
Well, its not my fault. Shes the one who is dressed like shes about to go to a night club, for God's sake! I really dislike this sentence. Although it is just an implication, since your narrator is speaking in first-person, he/she can't tell what the people around them are thinking.
I rolled my eyes at him as Mortimer took a step toward her, while she took a step back.

"This is very important, we must talk to you." he said, forcefully. "This is serious. Just for twenty minutes." he added.
She sighed and said,

"Okay, fine. I'm room 136." she agreed. "But you guys have to help me with these books."
We each took thirteen books, so that she wouldn't have to hold any.
"How did you carry all these books?" Josh asked.

She shrugged and took out a blackberry from her Gucci purse.
"I read a lot. And my students do too."

Mortimer turned his head to the side.
"Othello, The Moor of Venice, by Shakespere." he glanced at her.

"Yeah, when I asked them what they thought of the play, they said that they have never heard of it. I read the book when I was in ninth grade, so I assigned it to them. They finished reading it last month. I am just returning it to the library." she explained.

"Whats it about?" Josh asked, staring at her backside.

"Er, its hard to explain.
Its a tragedy is believed to have been written in approximately 1603. The work revolves around four central characters: Othello, his wife Desdemona, his lieutenant Cassio and his trusted advisor Iago. Attesting to its enduring popularity, the play appeared in seven editions between 1622 and 1705. Because of its varied themes — racism, love, jealousy and betrayal — it remains relevant to the present day and is often performed in professional and community theatres alike..." she rambled on.

"Wow, your sure good at explaining things." Josh said, not really paying attention.
She turned her head to him and gave him a terrible glare. It took him a moment to snap out of it and look at her.
She pointed to her face and said,

"I'm up here." Very cliche, but I guess whether or not you keep that is up to you,

Me and Mortimer burst out laughing as we walked up to her classroom. She placed her cell phone between her cheek and shoulder and unlocked the door.

"Hello, yes dear. I'm sorry, I will be a little late..." she glared at us as the door creaked open and she walked in. "In twenty minutes. Okay, I'll tell you later. Bye." she hung up and put her phone back in her purse and pointed to her desk.

"Just put them over there, I'll pick them up later. So what did you want to talk to me about?"

Josh stepped forward.
"Has your car been stolen recantly, a Porshe?" he asked her.

"Yes..." she raised her eyebrows.

I unlocked the briefcase and opened it.

"And when was this?" Josh asked.

"Last Tuesday. It was 5:30 in the morning and when I came back out at 7:00 pm it was gone. I reported it to the police..."

"Do you know a Janette McKinley?" I asked, pulling out some papers.

"Yes, shes in my Law class. But, what does she have to do with..."

"Is this your car?" I showed her a picture of a dirty yellow Porshe.

"Yes, but it didn't look like this! What..."

"When was the last time you saw her?" I asked.
She leaned over her desk and grabbed a clipboard and glanced at me.

"Last Tuesday." she answered. "I have my Law classes on Tuesdays and Thursday. I marked her absent for last Thursday, and the two classes this week. What is this..."

I showed her another picture.
She stared at the picture of blonde Janette in the trunk of her Porshe with blood smeared all over.
I watched the expression on her face change from annoyed, to full of horror, to her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she fell to the ground.

I really like this so far, and I would gladly read more installments. PM me if you have any questions or anything else you would like me to review.
-Alex

Oh, one last thing I forgot to write in my post. I really discourage changing first-person narrations from scene to scene; it really confuses the reader.
-Alex

Hey, girl. Thanks for the request. I'm here as promised. I'm going to cut this review in two posts 'cause it'll be easier. First part is for the prologue; second one is for the chapter. There might even be a third post, but we'll just have to see.

Here it goes...

NIPTPICKS|CHANGED|ADDED|PAY ATTENTION

Before we start, I want you to know that I'll only be pointing out examples of your mistakes. You have to learn to edit your own work. I know, we have editors; but you have to understand that you have the obligation, as the writer, to fix your grammar. Bear that in mind. Having a lot of mistakes in your manuscript limits your chances of getting published.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not scaring you. It's just, I've scanned over this and you didn't take my corrections in my previous reviews. For example:

"Now lets say you buy a new car with a three year warranty. You sign the contract binding you to exceed expectations...

As I've said before, let's is the contraction for let us. There should be an apostrophe between the t and s. Right now, memorize that.

OK, we may start...

Prologue:

"First, what makes a contract binding? Second, what happens if a party does not carry out his obligations under a contract? Consider this for a moment." I paused. "And how many of you own a car?"

"Well, then you will have to pay for it," I explained.

¶
Nick's hand flew up into the air.
<delete NP (new paragraph)>
"What would happen if you returned it, like, all screwed up?"

I'm having a feeling now that you didn't edit this before you posted it. Girl, for the reviewer's time and effort to review your work, please at least read your work twice before posting. I'm sorry to sound harsh, and I know you might have been really, really excited to post it, but you should have at least waited till you've tweaked this out.

"What if you are, like, cheap or something and <no space>,like, can't pay for it?" Nick asked,<no comma> again.

I turned around and took a seat at my desk and looked at my watch: 12:30.

I was hoping that Brandon would be here to pick me up and take me out for lunch.
¶
I opened the bottom drawer and reached in to grab the Shakespeare essay from my Journalism class, as I put on my glasses, I read the first paper on the pile.

"Excuse me," she interrupted. She stood up from her seat and walked toward me.

>> "Said" would be better, 'cause I don't think she was interrupting the prof anymore.

"Do you believe in vampires?" Her voice seemed icey and distant.

"No, I don't want to ask him. He won't understand-<no hyphen>," she interrupted again.

For this prologue, I'm not so sure. It probably would have been better if it was cut to the MC's thoughts: that she was being suspicious of the girl who asked her if she believed in vampires. That would have been a great cut. And also, I think there weren't too much descriptions. It's like, everything's happening so fast, still we have so many things that we didn't know about the MC. Here some of the questions in my mind while I was reading: Wait, is she a she or a he? What class is taking place? And I already forgot the other questions.

As I've said, I just can't have feeling of the surroundings. Also, I think the prof was quite -- not her? -- when she shouted. It's a bit weird. But anyway, the angry girl was fine. It was a cool reaction. So yeah... Just cut the prologue when the girl storms out and Mc goes, "why?..."

Oh... Personally, vampires are cliche for me. BUT I'll have to see for myself if this is one good shot. Surprise me, girl! Can't wait to read the rest. I'll have to say goodbye for now. I'll be back. =)

To be continued...

the story is quite catchy.
i love the way you are unfolding it. the only thing that i noticed that hasn't been pointed out yet is :


Her long legs stretched out with each step. She had long chestnut hair which was pulled up in a ponytail, that ended around her waist. She was fairly tall, even though her forehead hit my chin, moments ago, she must have been 5 foot 6 or 5 foot 7.
She had a sharp, pointed nose that had marks on the side, from wearing glasses for too long. And behind the glasses, she had kind, but sassy forest green eyes. Her full lips were colored red from lipstick.



the rest is just great. keep up the god work.

hey your story is rly good and you have a way with words ! a few spelling and gramatical errors but other than that, man, you are GREAT ! Keep writing so i can keep reading (: i was a little hesitant to read this, considering all of the twilight bs ughh but yours kicks butt (: keep at it