Clay - Chapter 1

My feet pounded against the cobblestone street. I was scared as hell. Looking back, I could see the three boys right on my trail.

"You... can't run forever... Wyllow!" The leader, worn out, gasped as he kept running, huffing and puffing, I did also.

"You can't, either." I retorted blandly with spare breath.

"Just give up! You'll never outrun us!" Another boy hissed.He was almost able to grab my blond hair as it streamed behind me like a flag. Instead, his fingers trapped my scarf.I clawed frantically at my neck as I was pulled back.

"Help! He's going to kil-" I began, before one of the bullies slammed me into the ground. My breath rushed out of me like exhaust from a car.

I threw one or two desperate punches, but I was no match for them. They had me pinned to a wall quickly, as if I were just a kitten. The leader approached coolly.

"Look what we got today, boys." He chuckled. I snarled at him.

"I'm no one's toy!" I spat.

"Shut it girl! You'll be what I want you to be!" He exclaimed.

"Nu-uh." I replied sarcastically as he stepped closer.

"Get. Away." Another, older voice said. "Now." It commanded. I risked a glance to the side. There stood the hero, with dirty blond hair to her mid-back and ice-blue eyes. Next to her- the side kick - was a man with blond, messy hair to the shoulders. He had a pleasant, light brown color eyes.

The boys dropped me like red-hot coal.

Using this opportunity, I slugged the leader in the face. What I didn't know of was the army of creatures behind me- but the boys certainly did. Yelping, they scrambled away.

"Thank you." I said to the two people. "I'm going to go back to the orphanage."

The guy laughed like a wolf.

"What is it with us and homeless kids, Skyler?" He asked. She replied with a smile.

"It's a magnet."

"Well... I'm going to go now... as I said." I quickly gulped. "You're welcome to ... you know.. come, I guess. I don't know if Mrs.Dretchen would be alright with it, but..."I said, hoping they wouldn't say yes.

"I don't think we have anything to do," Skyler said.

"Why not?" The other man asked. "I'm Kyle, by the way." I nodded.

"My name is Dea. Well, that's the name my bitch of a mother gave me- Everyone calls my Wyllow. Like the willow tree." I explained. Skyler nodded.

"Are you hungry? We can go eat somewhere."

"I don't accept charity." I replied. She shrugged.

"Whatever."

I began the three mile walk to the orphanage.

"God, why are you even so far away?" Kyle asked about three miles in, huffing. I was as well; I just covered it up easily.

"The bullies ran me out here." I replied simply. "We're almost there."

It was true. I could see the big, happy looking half pink half blue building that was Hell to me. On the front was a picture of a unicorn; the other half were pictures of video games. Like anyone got those here. It's sort of ironic, really. On the front were big black letters- ORPHANAGE.

"This looks so... happy!" Skyler exclaimed.

"On the outside." I huffed.

I slithered through the doors, hoping that Mrs.Dretchen or Mr.Kassofitz wouldn't see me.

"Wyllow."

Curse my rotten luck!

"Again?" Mrs. Dretchen asked me, sighing. She was a fat lady who wore WAY to much make-up.

"I- you see- They-" I stettered, never really finishing an idea.

"She's with us." Skyler explained before walking in the door. There was another person with them this time. She had red-orange hair to the waist and electrifying blue eyes, and seemed to have an air of... royalty about her.

Mrs. Dretchen stared at them with wide-eyes.

"O-Of course, you're maj-"

"Majestic! Majestic mage." The newcomer exclaimed, peering overat me. I stared at her strangly, but eventually shrugged to myself. "We'll come to your room in a second." She smiled. "Go along."

I stomped up the stairs, to the third- and highest- floor. My room was the first on the left.

My room was rather bland. The only strange feature was the shelf of clay creatures.

"Wyllow! Where were you?" The dragon asked. He was very carefully crafter- it took my months to make him.

"Guys, we have company! Make yourselves presentable!" I exclaimed. They were coated in dust- they played games like 'who could stand still the longest'. They shook themselves off- when the door opened to show Skyler, Kyle, and the mystery 'majestic mage'.

"What the hell?"

Hello there!

I'm honored to be your reviewer for today.

My feet pounded against the cobblestone street. I was scared as hell. Looking back, I could see the three boys right on my trail.

Seeing this as the introductory line, this could have been much better. There is a conflict here, yes- the main character tells to her readers that she's running away from her bullies but how you've written it doesn't seem so "pulling" or "attractive" to your readers' attention. Perhaps if you can rephrase some by showing. "I was scared as hell" is not sufficient for us to know your MC's emotion and plus it weakens your prose a bit and is quite unexpected since the first sentence actually is a good one. Maybe show to us her sweating face, heart thumping, something like that.

I'm not really going to nitpick every line with misspellings or grammatical errors. I just want you to be aware of your spacings, commas and some lines that needs rephrasing. Better yet, reread this piece aloud, and if you'll stumble on some rough areas then you should be able to know the cause of it.

Story Plot:

This story lacks depth in terms of background information. As far as this story goes, you haven't really answered insufficiently the questions what, why and how the main character got that in situation. There's a bully, but it still left me wandering why they're after her. Maybe because she's an orphan? You should explicate it more.

Also, since you're having a first person view, I should at least expect some more of her thoughts in the story: emotional and physical reactions to everything she sees, feel and even hear. Your story quite revolves more on your character's demonstrating her actions and what others do to her. A first person should be deeper since it shows the character's environment. Everything that is stated should be well-written. Don't only limit to lines like," She walks closer...", instead, "A sweat rolled down my forehead as I sense her presence at my back". That's just a sample though. ^^

Another thing I want to add up is that you should do more showing and less on telling. Enough said, right?

I began the three mile walk to the orphanage.

I don't know if you're using this like a hyperbole, but I think if you're meaning it literally then I would say that it's quite impossible to run three miles from the orphanage and ran back with the same distance again. Slow down. Also, wouldn't Wyllow, Skyler and Kyle get tired after walking? Since they're not superheroes then it's not surprising for them to give themselves break, right?

Everyone calls my Wyllow. Like the willow tree.

Since this is your character's name, I think you should explain more about this.

Overall:

I think this story has potential. This just needs some fixing and digging in more into the soil, eh? *taps on the shoulder*

Hope this helps and let me know if you have any questions in mind. Keep writing.

Peace out,
Yuri

Alright, so, you need much more description. You have major dialogue, and not enough description to back it up. Add a ton of senses (sight, sounds, ect) and add that detail in.

My feet pounded against the cobblestone street. I was scared as hell. Looking back, I could see the three boys right on my trail.

On another note, your first line wasn't that exciting. Slow down and add the details surrounding the situation, to make it clear for the reader.

Overall, you had a nice start, just add those details in for the reader.