Dreams Tell Lies - Chapter Two

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Chapter Two: An awakening

I woke with a start. Looking up I saw my mother, a small woman with a tiny waist and slender legs, looming over me. Her small hands were tugging impatiently at my duvet with long, narrow fingers. Her face was wide at the cheekbones and thin at the chin, her forehead high, her upper lip short and her lips were speaking my name. Loudly. Angrily. Slightly tilted, her nose was a little too small for her face. She had emerald green eyes like a cat and black eyebrows like Chinese brush-strokes, not unlike my own (the only thing I had inherited from her) and her thick, shiny, dark hair reached to the middle of her back. But she was very small, not more than five feet tall yet she towered over me as I groaned and sat up trying to recall the dream I had just awoken from.
It was like trying to see through mud; the harder I tried to hold onto the memories the more they slipped away. It was dark in the dream, I remembered, the only light was coming from the houses across the river.

The river!

Suddenly it all came flooding back like the water I had jumped into, filling up my brain and making it my sole thought. The river, I had jumped into the river. But why? In the dream I had never questioned my motives. Subconsciously, it seemed, I had known what I was doing and why. Now, in the bright daylight of my room, now that the thick curtains had been opened and the bright sunlight was pouring into my room, the idea of voluntarily flinging my body into the water seemed ludicrous, especially seeing as I was partially hydrophobic. I shied away from any contact with large masses of water such as swimming pools.

Or rivers.

So why had I done it? It may have had only been a dream, but it had felt so real.

I had always hated dreams, ever since I was about seven and had my first really bad nightmare. I had dreamt that my half crazed father was chasing me along the cliffs near a beach we had once visited when he was still alive. Brandishing his axe and waving his walking stick high in the air he advanced menacingly upon me, almost in the way he had done whilst he lived. I hadn’t been able to sleep in my own bed for months after that. That was irrational. He had been gone for a year or so before that, I just couldn’t shake it from my mind and as a result the nightmare continued to return. Many nights I would wake, drenched in icy sweat with tears streaming down my face. I was scorned by my mother who had convinced herself this was merely a cry for attention. As far as she was concerned, this particular plea for consideration wasn’t worth listening to.

I ignored her. What was the point of pleading with her if she didn’t believe me? I knew I wasn’t imagining it. It all seemed real to me.

I guessed that was the reason I didn’t like to dream – that difficulty to distinguish between your imagination and reality. I wasn’t very good at it and that was what scared me. What if I decided to do something dangerous thinking it was a dream and then discovered afterwards when it would inevitably be too late? If it was up to me I wouldn’t dream at all. Not even the good ones. It just wasn’t right, it didn't seem like a natural phenomena.

I had done everything I could to avoid dreaming and after hours of persuading, the doctor had prescribed some drugs that would calm my dreams, make them seem easier to deal with. As the doctor had pointed out, no one could completely avoid dreaming. It was a natural part of human nature and it became a sign of madness for those who didn’t. The drugs, he had informed me, would make my dreams seem hazy, like watching an old movie or looking through a dirty window. They would be less potent and seemingly less powerful. I had agreed instantaneously and as a result had been on these mind numbing drugs for the past year or so. I had thought them to be working up until the past two weeks when some dreams had slipped through. Ordinary, mundane dreams, the sort you would expect from a teenage girl. Yet somehow they were different, more powerful. Forceful. Last night’s had been so strange, so surreal in comparison to all the others.

I was awoken abruptly from these thoughts by my mother’s sharp tone.

‘Your sister is on the phone,’ she snapped, ‘Wants to speak to you.’ With that retort she flung the sleek black phone down onto the bed and stormed from the room.

My mother and sister did not get on. Megan was seven years older than me and had left home at sixteen. That had broken whatever tense relationship the two of them had had. Now, the only way they would speak was if they were forced to, yet Megan still called every week to check how I was and I loved our talks more than anything. It brought my whole mood up. She meant so much to me. I liked to think I meant that much to her too, although deep inside I knew there was no way this could be true. She had always been popular and found it easy to make friends.

She lived with her dad in a little flat about two hours away from me. I often wondered how much she could really care about me, considering the amount of time we spent apart. She would always reassure me that this was not the case; she could simply not afford to visit very often, as her job did not allow many days off and the amount of overtime she was working to get extra money just couldn't be given up. Even so, I missed her terribly.

From the moment I could talk, Megan had been my best friend. I was the one she would go to and whisper all her problems to, she confided in me, and that made feel special. When Megan had left home I had begged her to take me with her. My tear filled eyes fighting back the fear, the worry as I knew I would be lost without her but she had no money to support herself, let alone a nine year old sister. So she had gone. Without a backward glance, promising me we would still see each other all the time and that as soon as she could drive, I wouldn’t be able to get rid of her. So much for that idea.

The thing I had tried to remind myself about Megan’s promises was that she rarely remembered them. Such as her promise that she would phone me every evening, and see how I was. I still waited patiently, each night for her to call. I would sit and wait for hours, not accepting that I wouldn’t be speaking to her that day. The calls had narrowed down to barely once a week now, and even then I couldn’t be sure my big sister wasn’t too busy for me. I had to take every opportunity to talk to her that I was presented with.

I reached sleepily for the phone and put it to my ear. ‘Hello?’ I mumbled intelligently. A bright voice sounded on the edge of the phone.

‘Hi, Ashling!!’

I smiled drowsily; she was in a bouncy mood. All my resent and negative feelings toward her melted every time she opened that stupid mouth. It was impossible to be mad at such a loving person. Besides, as I constantly tried to remember, she lived a different life now and I couldn't expect to be her number one priority.

'You're happy,' I noted laughing.

‘It’s only a week until I see you' she replied excitedly, 'I bet you can't wait?’

'Nope.'

This wasn't exactly true. I loved spending time with Megan but whenever she came to visit she seemed somehow detached and distracted from what was happening. I couldn't help but wonder if she was really happy. Whenever I asked she would reply with certainty that she was fabulous and that I was just being paranoid. Today however, she seemed genuinely happy to be seeing me. It was my birthday the next week and she had promised whole-heartedly to come and spend the weekend with me.

My birthdays had never been a big event to me. Although I loved having everyone around, I wasn’t keen on being the centre of attention. Days never revolved around me, and I was used to that, it made me uncomfortable to be sat there with everyone’s eyes on me. I had always been the quiet one, the one who hung around with people who overshadowed me. Nobody tended to notice when I was there, I was always the extra person in the background.

That was how I liked it. Like a fly on the wall. Seeing but never needing to be seen.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I glanced at the clock for the third time in less than ten minutes. The thick, black hands informed me that it was still half past six. Where was she? I twisted my pale hands together in my lap, it was freezing cold but I wouldn’t move from my place by the window to turn on the heating. The sky outside was darkening rapidly now, the sun was receding behind the trees, dictating that night was arriving. She was three hours late. Somewhere downstairs, I could hear the phone ringing softly. It was probably some sales company, they usually rang at this time, and we never picked up.

The first stars were appearing now, dotted around the sky like tiny diamonds against the sky. I stared up at them, entranced by their beauty, my eyes lost in the night. The street lamps below gleamed eerily below my window.

I sighed and checked my phone.

Nothing.

Reluctantly I got up and drew the curtains; there was no sense in waiting any longer. It was uncomfortable kneeling on the hard floor and I had been there for well over an hour. I pulled on my thick woollen jumper and an extra pair of socks just for good measure then made my way down the stairs.

Passing the counter in the kitchen my vision was immediately drawn to the tiny, red, flashing light that indicated a new message on the answering machine. I pressed my finger down hard on the button. The message had been from a few minutes ago, the called I had automatically assumed was nobody of importance. I recognised the voice that spoke at me through the machine instantaneously.

‘Ashling? Are you there? It’s Megan. Please pick up.’

A long pause followed.

‘I can’t make it love, I’m sorry but something’s come up and I’ve got to go somewhere else. Can you ring me back? I’m really sorry and have a great birthday tomorrow. Okay, bye?’

I stared, transfixed as the machine notified me of the Megan’s phone number. Hesitantly, I reached my hand out over the redial button, lingering over it. Still not removing my eyes from the little red light I suddenly and impulsively yanked my finger down and pressed the button below.

Message erased, the monotone voice announced. I shook my head, wrenching my eyes from the light that was no longer flashing. I turned on my heel and strode toward the hall. I grabbed my boots and a coat and tugged the door handle sharply, then, pulling my hood over my head I stormed out of the door and into the dark night.





***************************

Read Chapter Three
Last edited by IcyFlame on Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:20 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hey Icy!

Great twist, I love that it was a dream, and yet the end of this chapter feels like it could very well lead up to the beginning of the first chapter, if that makes sense.

You're doing a great job with the pacing; I love how you're giving out some info, enough to know some of the back story, but not too much in an info-dump.

It was uncomfortable knelt on the floor and I had been there for well over an hour.


This should be "kneeling."

Well, I feel like this review is kind of useless; I really didn't notice anything else. Your writing's great and I can't wait to read more! Please let me know when you post chapter three. Keep up the great work! (:
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ere tugging impatiently at my duvet with long, narrowed fingers


I think that "narrow" should be the word.

She had emerald green eyes like a cat and black eyebrows like Chinese brush-strokes, not unlike my own (the only thing I had inherited from her)


Here you say that she has black eyebrows, not like yours, and then you add that it is something you've inherited from her. It does not sound logical.

was chasing me along the cliffs near a beach we had once visited o when he was still alive.


I think you put that "o" there by mistake.

Hesitantly, I reached my hand out over the redial button,


There should be a comma after the adverb

Your writing is strong, you give the details needed and use a wide range of words, proving that your vocabulary is rich. Overall a good piece! I have read the first chapter as well (not so thoroughly, though), but when I saw that you have more reviews there, I decided to review this one.
Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

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Thanks for the help guys, currently working on the next three chapters but I need to work out what order they need to go in first so as not to confuse the storyline too much. Thankyou again! :)




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Chapter Two: An awakening

I woke with a start. Looking up I saw my My mother, a small woman with a tiny waist and slender legs, was looming over me. Her small(Using too many adjectives.) hands were tugging impatiently at my duvet with long, narrow fingers. Her face was wide at the cheekbones and thin at the chin "Thin" and "chin" rhyme, so it sounds strange. , her forehead high, her upper lip short and her lips werespeaking my name. Loudly. Angrily. Slightly tilted, her nose was a little too small for her face. She had emerald green eyes like a cat and black eyebrows like Chinese brush-strokes, not unlike my own, (the only thing I had inherited from her) and her thick, shiny, dark hair reached tothe middle of her back. ButShe was very small, notno more than five feet tall, yet she towered over me as I groaned and sat up trying to recall the dream I had just awoken from.
(space here)
It was like trying to see through mud; the harder I tried to hold onto the memories the more they slipped away. It was dark in the dream, I remembered; the only light was coming from the houses across the river.

The river!

Suddenly it all came flooding back like the water I had jumped into, filling up my brain and making it my sole thought. The river. I had jumped into the river. But why? In the dream I had never questioned my motives. Subconsciously, it seemed, I had known what I was doing and why. Now, in the bright daylight of my room, now that the thick curtains had been opened and the bright sunlight was pouring into my room, the idea of voluntarily flinging my body into the water seemed ludicrous, especially seeing as I was partially hydrophobic. I shied away from any contact with large masses of water such as swimming pools.

Or rivers.

So why had I done it? It may have had(Past perfect is not needed here.)only been a dream, but it had felt so real.

I had always hated dreams. [color=#FF0000]ever since I was about seven and had my first really bad nightmare. I was seven when I had my first bad nightmare. I had dreamt that my half-crazed father was chasing me along the cliffs near a beach we had once visited when he was still alive. Brandishing his axe and waving his walking stick high in the air, he advanced menacingly upon me Contradicts the "chasing" image you just established. , almost in the way he had done whilst he lived. I hadn’t been able to sleep in my own bed for months after that. That was irrational. He had been gone for a year or so before that, I just couldn’t shake it from my mind and as a result The nightmare continued to return. Many nights I would wake, drenched in icy sweat, Sweat is warm, not icy. with tears streaming down my face. I was scorned by my mother who had convinced herself this was merely a cry for attention.As far as she was concerned, this particular plea for consideration wasn’t worth listening to.I thought it wasn't a "plea for consideration."

I ignored her. What was the point of pleading with her if she didn’t believe me? I knew I wasn’t imagining it. It all seemed real to me.

I guessed that was the reason I didn’t like to dream – that difficulty to distinguish between your imagination and reality. I wasn’t very good at it and that was what scared me. What if I decided to do something dangerous thinking it was a dream and then discovered afterwards when it would inevitably be too late? If it was up to me I wouldn’t dream at all. Not even the good ones. It just wasn’t right, it didn't seem like a natural phenomena.

I had done everything I could to avoid dreaming and after hours of persuading, the doctor had prescribed some drugs that would calm my dreams, make them seem easier to deal with. As the doctor had pointed out, no one could completely avoid dreaming. It was a natural part of human nature and it became a sign of madness for those who didn’t. The drugs, he had informed me, would make my dreams seem hazy, like watching an old movie or looking through a dirty window. They would be less potent and seemingly less powerful. I had agreed instantaneously and as a result had been on these mind numbing drugs for the past year or so. I had thought them to be working up until the past two weeks when some dreams had slipped through. Ordinary, mundane dreams, the sort you would expect from a teenage girl. Yet somehow they were different, more powerful. Forceful. Last night’s had been so strange, so surreal in comparison to all the others.
(All of this is completely unnecessary and irrelevant.)


I was awoken You already woke up. Use a different word. abruptly from these thoughts by my mother’s sharp tone.

‘Your sister is on the phone,’ she snapped, ‘She wants to speak towith you.’ With that retort How is that a "retort?" she flung the sleek black phone down onto the bed and stormed from the room. I don't understand why she would "storm" from the room. Was the main character doing something wrong? Was the mom mad about something that is apparently invisible to the reader?

My mother and sister did not get on along. Megan was seven years older than me and had left home at sixteen. That had broken whatever tense relationship the two of them had had. Now, the only way they would speak was they only spoke if they were forced to, yet Megan still called every week to check how I was and on me. I loved our talks more than anything. It brought my whole mood up. She meant so much to me. I liked to think I meant that much to her, too, although deep inside I knew there was no way this could be true. She had always been popular and found it easy to make friends. Why would this mean that the main character means little to her? Is it illegal for popular people to love their sisters?

She lived with her dad in a little flat about two hours away from me. I often wondered how much she could really care about me, considering the amount of time we spent apart. She would always reassure me that this was not the case. The context makes it sound like the separation between the two was not the case. Thus the wording is off. She could simply not afford to visit veryoften, as her job did not allow many days off and the amount of overtime she was working to get extra money just couldn't be given up. Even so, I missed her terribly.

From the moment I could talk, Megan had been my best friend. I was the one she would go to and whisper all her problems to, she confided in me, and that made feel special. When Megan had left decided to leave home, I had begged her to take me with her. My tear filled eyes fighting back the fear, the worry as I knew I would be lost without her This both is grammatically incorrect and unnecessary. The sudden detail is completely random. But she had no money to support herself, let alone a nine year old sister. So she had gone. Without a backward glance, promising me we would still see each other all the time and that as soon as she could drive, I wouldn’t be able to get rid of her. So much for that idea. (Again. Unnecessary and irrelevant. Besides, the last part is just repeating what you've already told me about three times.)

The thing I had tried to remind myself about Megan’s promises was that she rarely remembered them. Such as her promise She had promised that she would phonecall me every evening, and see how I was. I still waited patiently each night for her to call. I would sit and wait for hours, not accepting that I wouldn’t be speaking to her that day. The calls had narrowed down to barely once a week now, and even then I couldn’t be sure my big sister wasn’t too busy for me. I had to take every opportunity to talk to her that I was presented with.


I'll get to the rest later. As you can see, the main problem is your repeated use of either unnecessary or irrelevant information.

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I reached sleepily for the phone and put it to my ear. ‘Hello?’ I mumbled intelligently said (Sometimes "said" speaks more clearly than a mishmash of verbs and adverbs.) . A bright voice sounded on the edge of the phone.

‘Hi, Ashling!!’

I smiled drowsily; she was in a bouncy mood. All my resent resentment and negative feelings toward her "Negative" feelings are ones of hatred, of jealousy, etc. She was feeling none of these; thus her feelings were not negative. melted every time she opened that stupid mouth. It was impossible to be mad She wasn't mad. You never said she was mad. This is news to me. at such a loving person. Besides, as I constantly tried to remember, she lived a different life now and I couldn't expect to be her number one priority.

'You're happy,' I noted, laughing.

‘It’s only a week until I see you' she replied excitedly, 'I bet you can't wait?’

'Nope.'

This wasn't exactly true. I loved spending time with Megan, but whenever she came to visit she seemed somehow detached and distracted from what was happening. I couldn't help but wonder if she was really happy. Whenever I asked she would reply with certainty that she was fabulous "Yeah," she bragged, sneering conceitedly. "I'm fabulous." That's what I picture. and that I was just being paranoid. Today, however, she seemed genuinely happy to be seeing me. It was my birthday thenext week and she had promised whole-heartedly to come and spend the weekend with me.

My birthdays had never been a big event to me. Although I loved having everyone around, I wasn’t keen on being the centre of attention. Days never revolved around me, and I was used to that. It made me uncomfortable to be sat there with everyone’s eyes on me. I had always been the quiet one, the one who hung around with people who overshadowed me. Nobody tended to notice when I was there, I was always the extra person in the background.

That was how I liked it. Like a fly on the wall. Seeing but never needing to be seen.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I glanced at the clock for the third time in less than ten minutes. The thick, black hands informed me that it was still half past six. Where was she? I twisted my pale hands together in my lap. It was freezing cold but I wouldn’t move from my place by the window to turn on the heating. The sky outside was darkening rapidly now, the sun wasreceding behind the trees, dictating Definitely not the right word. that night was arriving. She was three hours late. Somewhere downstairs, I could hear the phone ringing softly. It was probably some sales company telemarketer. They usually rang at this time, and we never picked up. If you never picked up, how do you know it's them? Do you have caller ID? Also, I'd think the main character'd be anxious for any communication with her sister. It's not realistic at all that she'd dismiss it so easily in her case; normally, people in a situation like that'd cling at any sign, including a telephone call.

The first stars were appearing now, dotted around the sky like tiny diamonds against the sky. I stared up at them, entranced by their beauty, my eyes lost in the night. The street lamps belowgleamed eerily below my window.

I sighed and checked my phone.

Nothing.

Reluctantly I got up and drew the curtains; there was no sense in waiting any longer. It was uncomfortable kneeling on the hard floor and I had been there for well over an hour. I pulled on my thick woollen jumper and an extra pair of socks just for good measure, then made my way down the stairs.

Passing the counter in the kitchen, my vision was immediately drawn to the tiny, red, flashing light that indicated a new message on the answering machine. I pressed my finger down hard on the button. The message had been from a few minutes ago, the called I had automatically assumed was nobody of importance. I recognised the voice that spoke at me through the machine instantaneously.

‘Ashling? Are you there? It’s Megan. Please pick up.’

A long pause followed.

‘I can’t make it, love. I’m sorry, but something’s come up and I’ve got to go somewhere else. Can you ring me back? I’m really sorry. andHave a great birthday tomorrow, okay? Bye.

I stared, transfixed, as the machine notified me of theMegan’s phone number. Hesitantly, I reached my hand out over the redial button, lingering over it. Still not removing my eyes from the little red light I suddenly and impulsively yanked my finger down and Instead, pressedslammed my finger down on the button below.

Message erased, the monotone voice announced. I shook my head, wrenching my eyes from the light that was no longer flashing. I turned on my heel and strode toward the hall. I grabbed my boots and a coat and tugged the door handle sharply, then, pulling my hood over my head, I stormed out of the door and into the dark night.


This is awesome! Good job, my friend. Good job. I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter, 'kay?

-Kafka
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Anddd I'm back :). Did yah miss me? I know I did xD.

Either way, since I'm sure you know my structure now, I'm just going to jump right into this!

Grammar and Punctuation/Nit-Picks:

I woke with a start. Looking up I saw my mother, a small woman with a tiny waist and slender legs, looming over me. Her small hands were tugging impatiently at my duvet with long, narrow fingers. Her face was wide at the cheekbones and thin at the chin, her forehead high, her upper lip short and her lips were speaking my name.


I adore description. Trust me, its my favourite. But here, we have a whole wack of redundancy and overused words like 'small' and 'lip' and 'thin'.

The best way to combat this would be to try and not repeat a word in each sentence nor repeat an adjective, noun, or adverb in a paragraph. That way, your vocabulary will be stretched and will grow. Not to mention, it makes you look like you know what you're doing ;D

But she was very small, not more than five feet tall yet she towered over me as I groaned and sat up trying to recall the dream I had just awoken from.


I dont know if it was you who I told the super-sentence analogy to but if not, this is one of them because you are trying to fit so much into one sentence to speed things up. Break this apart. Descriptions with descriptions. Actions with actions. A sentence should have meaning. Not just a bundle of random things.

It was dark in the dream, I remembered, the only light was coming from the houses across the river.


Comma splice here. The second comma should either be a semicolon or period. If you want to keep it a comma, take the 'was' out of the last section.

Suddenly it all came flooding back like the water I had jumped into,


Comma behind suddenly.

The river, I had jumped into the river.


Comma splice.

Brandishing his axe and waving his walking stick high in the air he advanced menacingly upon me,


Comma behind air.

‘Your sister is on the phone,’ she snapped, ‘Wants to speak to you.’


Put 'she' before 'want's'. That and change the comma behind 'snapped' to a period because it is not a sentence cut in half by the description the the dialogue.

Now, the only way they would speak was if they were forced to, yet Megan still called every week to check how I was and I loved our talks more than anything.


Super sentence. Break this up.

I liked to think I meant that much to her too, although deep inside I knew there was no way this could be true.


She calls every week. If your protagonist means nothing to her sister, than why bother calling the house she escaped from? This is just your protagonist being melodramatic.

She had always been popular and found it easy to make friends.


Bad excuse for not caring.

The sky outside was darkening rapidly now, the sun was receding behind the trees, dictating that night was arriving.


Comma splice and super-sentence.

I turned on my heel and strode toward the hall. I grabbed my boots and a coat and tugged the door handle sharply, then, pulling my hood over my head I stormed out of the door and into the dark night.


This is very very very monotonous. You want feeling. Not just a quick 'whatever' and a storm. You want to make your reader feeling cliff-hangered for the next chapter. What we have here doesn't make me think of cliff-hangers xP.

Setting and Description:

You have lots of description, though a little redundant in areas. No setting though. I have no idea what this house is supposed to look like nor the place she lives, other than the fact that shes near to a river.

And its really hard to get a just opinion on whats shes about to do if we can't see where she is or the place she grew up. Her mom seems a little frustrated from what I can see, but I feel that she is almost victimized by overly uncaring children. Maybe thats just me though xP. My mom was always like that with the 'you're looking for attention' and what not, but now I respect her for it. She raised four kids. She did the best she could. So I guess thats why I could sympathize.

Plot:

This feels jumpy. You give us a very melodramatic character who has random dreams. I suppose this could start a plotline, but from what I can tell, it seems a little on the childish side so far. Start giving this character a little more of an adults view of things, even if she isn't one. This 15 year old 'nobody cares about me' thing is redundant and a little annoying to read. That and the whole 'my moms so mean' thing is a little.... overused. If you want a strong plot, you need strong character of which is where I'm going to say you need to work on here.

Character Development:

I'm not sure if your character is suicidal or just a messed up teenager like every other teenager on the face of the planet. Yes shes upset. Yes she stormed off. Thats understandable. Yet she jumps to conclusions that make her seem melodramatic of which I'm sure you don't want. Think about the thoughts of someone who is suicidal. Its not that they don't know people love them. Its just that to them, the love that they have just isn't enough compared to the bad in this world, and that there really is no escape and no way of getting out.

If you are going for depressed... well this is melodrama. I don't see depression. Depression is an ache. A feeling whereas its something you fight everyday but it never really gets better. Depression isn't suicidal nor is it 'everybody hates me'. Depression is 'People may like me but I... well, I don't know if I'm really worth loving. No, I'm broken. Loving something that can't be fixed doesn't seem right to me.'

Overall:

You have awesome description but you need to step your game up when it comes to character developement. The second chapter is so necessary when it comes to such things that you need to really work it out. If not, you'll end up with characters that no one wants to read about.

Other than that, keep writing and keep practicing.

I'll be here to review!
~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Oooh, so it was just a dream. Nice twist! I'm really enjoying this so far, it's intriguing and unique. Everything's great, I wouldn't change a thing, had this been my own. Sorry if this isn't much help. Great job and good luck on future writes.




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I know this chapter has changed dramatically since this point. It would have ahd to, considering you completely altered the first one, this one would need to change to fit in with it. I think we need more from Zara (that is her mum's name, right?) at this point in the story.
I think I remember you mentioning that you had added something more to do with her in at the end of the chapter but just in case I'm wrong here are my thoughts on the matter:
Alex's thoughts
So unless we understand a little more about Ashling's home life, then she seems to be the typical 'misunderstood' teenager here who blows things greatly out of proportion and throws drama queen hissy fits. From what you've discuseed with me about the rest of the book, I can safely say I know she isn't like that but there is a small danger that your reader won't stop and bother to find this out. We need to see the relationship between her and Zara first hand, to form our own opinion on it rather than just having the character tell us how it is.
This, I think, will also help us to inderstand the relationship between her and Megan. Although, I have to admit that she isn't my favourite character so far... who doesn't visit their little sister on her birthday? I'm hoping she had a pretty good reason or she's getting a pounding from me!
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