Hatred to Sorrow

Spoiler

I wrote this poem while I was tired and grumpy, so do whatever you like to it.

Follow this dying ember
as it falls deeper into
the fog, as its cries
become fainter, weaker;
the gray ash we tread upon.

The clouds have disappeared
into my open palm, and now
the sky is sallow and wasted.
The last flame licks at my heel,
before fading into the darkness.

There is nothing left, is there?
Only this blackened stone.
Only this blackened heart.

Hey there!

I don't have many problems with it. I think it has a good image of the whole "last hope dying out" type of thing.

What did bug me was

the fog, as its cries
become fainter, weaker;

I think "become" should probably change to "becoming" because the two lines before it contain words like "dying" so you want to keep that flow going.

You say

the gray ash we tread upon.

and then

the sky is ashen and wasted.

I don't like the second use of ash. The first time it was nice, but you don't want to repeat words if you can find a good replacement, especially in something as short as poetry.

Again, you use "disappeared" and then "disappearing" in the same stanza. That one doesn't bug me as much, but you should still look into rewording.

The last thing that bugged me was

There is nothing left, is there?

One, it doesn't really fit for me. And two, you state there's nothing, but then you question it? I don't know, it just rolls off the tongue weird. Maybe reword it? It's up to you.

Overall, I like it. It's short and dramatic and I think it has some potential. Good job. Keep writing.

-Lindsay

Well all my points have been said, I feel a bit useless now. Just watch that word repetition, I do it all the time which makes me notice it in others,
Other than that I thought it was pretty good

im going to let you know once again that i love your writing and i disagree with @IcyFlame. i liked the word repetition. Look at Hemingway and Dickens, repetition was their style. I love it. Good job!