Late at Night

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Gender Male
Points 1479
Reviews 15
Late at night when the world is sleeping
Theres all sorts of creeping, peeping
As the day falls to rest
And the night comes seeping
Through the cracks, like a shadow
Grinning, Now you can't see me
I lay awake in the dark
To hear the world come alive
One thousand trees, one million buzzing hives
You never really know what happens late at night
When complex thought and deep slumbers
Tend to steal your precious sight
But let me tell you this
You see the darkness is no game
Things slither, crawl, and walk about
Just as on Halloween
As your pillow meets your head
And your brain starts the decision
It's the dreams and constant nightmares
That make their first incision
So sleep on Mother Earth
Because as far as you will know
Once the sun goes down and your eyes close shut
It's darkness that will flow
"I've seen your heart, and it is...mine."




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Points 9917
Reviews 297
Late at night when the world is sleeping
Theres all sorts of creeping, peeping

Theres needs to be correctly grammatically. Also, there is all sorts of creeping, peeping what?

Grinning, Now you cant see me

Who exactly is grinning? And cant needs a ' between the n and t

You see the darkness is no game
Things slither, crawl, and walk about
Just as on Halloween

The last line just doesn't fit there in my opinion.

As your pillow meets your head
And your brain starts the decision

So, at first you were using 1st person point of view (I,Me) and now you're using second person point of view. Try to stick to mainly one.

Its the dreams and constant nightmares
That make their first incision

Apostrophe in It's

So sleep on Mother Earth
Because as far as you will know
Once the sun goes down and your eyes close shut
It's darkness that will flow

It may flow better if you switch "...and your eyes close shut" to and your eyes shut close.
But I like this (you are probably thinking "Finally positive feedback")

Overall, this poem has potential, especially since it was written late at night. Just go through some revisions and it will be on its way. Keep writing, you have talent.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9917
Reviews 297
Oh and try to break it up into some stanzas! :)
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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Gender Female
Points 1155
Reviews 58
I loved the way it was dramatic and dark. It didn't seem scary, but ominous. I absolutely loved the imagery and the feel of it.
You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create, You'v been remade.

http://writemeaway.blogspot.com/



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne