What do you class as cheating?
A simple kiss? A passionate embrace? A lovers meeting? All seen as different things to different people, now, in my eyes I class them all as a stab in the back of my partner; as cheating. However, only months earlier I would have seen this as different. I would have believed a kiss was just a fancy, a passionate embrace was just fun and a lovers meeting was a way to forget. I always wanted to forget, it brought happiness.
I was an A* cheater back then. I passed each "test" that came my way and I was never caught. It was a gift. I could be in a relationship and have another three, “followers”, wrapped around my little finger, doing everything I wanted them to do. It was joyous. Yes, I did have a small feeling of remorse each time, it ate away at me, but that was soon taken away with the next guy who came my way. I was a predator and they were my prey. No one was safe.
I’d smile then let my eyes do the talking, and they certainly did talk. I’d glance at a guy and produce a “cheeky” little smile then look away with a flick of my hair. Normally they’d walk over to me and then the flirting would start; however, some were harder to crack then others. This minority of the male species were the ones I was most interested in, the ones who’d be my best catch if caught. I’d simply walk over to them and ask for a cigarette, all seemed to smoke, and then I’d start an innocent conversation, add a lot of compliments, play with my hair, bite my lip. It was easy. I justified my actions to myself in a strange way yet it was simple; if I didn’t feel wanted I would cheat. Problem with the type of guy I was normally after was the fact they were “bad boys”, or at least they had to seem like it. They had to give off that thrill. When they ignored me I would find refuge with someone else, any way possible, I wanted to feel special. I have called myself every name under the sun because of this, and I know others have too, even some of my oldest closest friends. Slag, whore, slut. They echo in my mind; I loath myself.
To remember what I wanted to forget was a painful trial. However, I should explain why and what I wanted to forget. The simple answer is everyone. I had my heart broken and I found myself in the arms of one of my friends the next day I loved it, I used him in a way. That idea of using contributed to more pain which I then needed to forget. Resulting in a new guy, then when the ignoring started I fell into the arms of another friend, more pain, more misery, more longing for forgetting. I hated myself and I wanted to forget what I was doing to everyone, problem was the only way I knew how to forget was to do yet more cheating. It was a never ending circle. I could have stayed single and not have cheated on any. Problem with being single was that was when the pain seemed to be at its strongest, I would think about everyone at once, I never let myself get over them, it was horrible. I never stayed single more then two weeks. Thinking about it still distresses me but I am strong now, I can keep in control of my urges.
The thing that changed me was having another broken heart. I fell for a rebound that then rebounded on me. This hurt more then the first ever could have because he actually made me feel wanted. Yet he wanted his ex and at the first chance went running back to her and started a chain of lies. What he did to me resulted in me losing a lot of my friends as I found out soon after what they truly thought of me as they were his too and they believed what he said. They thought little of me. This hurt.
I stayed single after him for around six months. Changed myself. Met my current boyfriend and everything was brilliant. I was so happy. Till last night that is; till I went to the cinema with one of my friends and we kissed. The loathing kick started greater then ever, even though it was a kiss. Me and my boyfriend had been together for two months and I had to tell him, though this could result in a break up. I rang him. Told him. Silence engulfed the conversation. Then he whispered three words down the phone. I love you. He had forgiven me, something I couldn’t even do myself. I may have been a A* cheater but everyone can change I believe as if it was the old me I wouldn’t of even told him. I know now I will never cheat again, not even a temptation. People can change. I have.
Great job.
