The Unnamed One-First

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A new novel... I seem to say that a lot...


First:

My mother and I are completely different.
In stature.
In demeanor.

She in short, fat, sweet and loves children.
I am tall, thin, sharp and to the point and hate children.

Why then, has a baby been left on MY doorstep?

Some would say I have bad luck. I would agree with them.

My father died when I was young and my brothers, much, much older than I, left and I have yet to meet them.
When I came along, my mother was thirty. She had many health problems and was not fit to take care of me.
I took care of myself from a young age, and by the time I was eleven took care of my mother too.
When I was eighteen I went to college, while I was there, my mother went from bad to worse in the health department.

The doctor claimed the sooty air of New York City was too much for her. We moved, to a suburb of New York, and lived in side-by-side cottages, set back from the hustle and bustle of the main street.

We were old-fashioned, my mother and I.
Growing up, she would read me classics like Emily of new moon or Ann of Green Gables or even Tom Sawyer. She would dress me in little old-fashioned frocks and bought American girl’s by the boxful.
Those doll’s still sat, in my basement, on their stands, their little arms reaching out to you to be played with.

The baby’s face was red, and it puckered up, preparing to cry. I scooped it up, and walked back into my cottage, entered my kitchen and sat it down, on the glass table where I could examine it properly.

I had bought all my kitchen furniture at the beach, wicker chairs, glass, peaches and sky blues. This baby was almost a blot on the cleanliness of my spotless kitchen.
‘It’ was wrapped in a sheet covered in ducks. It was stained with dirt and grime and whoever had swaddled the baby had done a poor job. A string hung from its neck and a large metal contraption clipped to it.
The unnamed one.

Oh hurrah! I had a baby that was unnamed, dirty and no apparent family.

Great.

I picked ‘it’ up and carried it to the living room and sat down on the leather sofa. Wrapping the child in another blanket, I left the house, carrying the thing at arm’s length. My mother would know what to do with it.

*.* *.*
“Allure,” my mother suggested, leaning over the freshly washed baby, now dressed in one of my old sleeping gowns.
“Azalea, Christiana, Chelsea, Patricia,”
“Azure.” I said with finality. It fit the baby. It had blue eyes, deep, deep blue eyes.
My mother nodded her approval. We liked odd names, she had named me Asytia and her mother had named her Aemy. ‘If you are proud of your name,’ she used to tell me when I would come home, wet with tears from teasing. ‘no one will be able to tease you.’ After that day, I lived by that rule, proud of my name Asytia Elyon Marcott.
“Azure Aditia Marcott.”
Of course, naming the child meant I was going to keep her.

Spoiler
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Formerly SparkToFlame




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Hey Pointe!

I think this is cute :)

I couldn't find many mistakes - so props to you :)

been left on MY


I don't think 'my' needs to be in capitals.

I took care of myself from a young age, and by the time I was eleven took care of my mother too.


I'd move the comma to after 'and' and then add another after 'eleven'

'I took care of myself from a young age and, by the time I was eleven, took care of my mother too.'

When I was eighteen I went to college, while I was there, my mother went from bad to worse in the health department.


I'd either change the comma after 'college' to a full stop and split this into two. Or, you could write it like this -

'When I was eighteen I went to college, and while I was there, my mother went from bad to worse in the health department.'

and bought American girl’s by the boxful.


I think it should be 'and buy me' instead of 'and brought'

'She would dress me in little old-fashioned frocks and buy me American girl’s by the boxful.'

Those doll’s still sat, in my basement


Nix the comma

and sat it down, on the glass table where I could examine it properly.


Try - 'and sat it down on the glass table so I could examine it properly.'

I had bought all my kitchen furniture at the beach, wicker chairs, glass, peaches and sky blues.


The first comma should be a semi-colon. Nice descriptions by the way :)

string hung from its neck and a large metal contraption clipped to it.


I think 'and' should be 'with'

I had a baby that was unnamed, dirty and no apparent family.


I'd add 'with' after 'and'

'I had a baby that was unnamed, dirty and with no apparent family.'

It had blue eyes, deep, deep blue eyes.


This is a little repetitive. Try writing just - 'It had deep blue eyes.'

proud of my name Asytia Elyon Marcott.


Semi-colon after 'name'

So, I really liked this. It was sweet. We know a lot about the mum but not a lot about the MC - except that she's the opposite of the mum. This is only the first chapter though, so you've got plently of time to tell us more about her :)

I think you should definitely carry on with this. I want to know what happens next :)

Thanks for the read and I hope my suggestions are helpful!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hey, Pointe.
There was some irony to this, and I might just be making it up, but I liked it anyway. I couldn't find much, though there were a few things I found didn't sound quite right that I'm going to point out.

pointe2drama wrote:My mother and I are completely different.
In stature.
In demeanor.
I don't like the new paragraphs for each. The same point would be reached if it was all one paragraph.

I am tall, thin, sharp and to the point and hate children.
You need a comma before the second and.

My father died when I was young and my brothers, much, much older than I, left and I have yet to meet them.
This sentence is confusing. I would split it in two so there is a period where the second and is.

Growing up, she would read me classics like Emily of new moon or Ann of Green Gables or even Tom Sawyer.
I haven't heard of the first book, but new and moo have to capitalized.

She would dress me in little old-fashioned frocks and bought American girl’s by the boxful.
American Girl is the name of the doll, so girl is capitalized.

Those doll’s still sat, in my basement, on their stands, their little arms reaching out to you to be played with.
You don't need the apostraphe in dolls.

This baby was almost a blot on the cleanliness of my spotless kitchen.
This was funny in a horrible sort of way. I liked it.

‘If you are proud of your name,’ she used to tell me when I would come home, wet with tears from teasing. ‘no one will be able to tease you.’
The first period needs to be a comma.

After that day, I lived by that rule, proud of my name Asytia Elyon Marcott.
You don't need a colon but a comma because you're describing her name.

Of course, naming the child meant I was going to keep her.
This might not be what you meant, but you kind of see a deeper layer of your character here. She's not really so unloving and mean.


Great job. It was very good. I'm interested. If you need a review on the next chapter, tell me.
Megsug
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This is adorable. I love it. The only thing don't get is the American Dolls. Those things are EXPENSIVE. And they don't seem like a rich family. That was really the only thing I didn't get. I know I'm not much help here, just wanted to say I love it. :)
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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Alrighty, I suspect the other reviewers got all the nitpicks, so I will just give you my overall impression...

It seemed you jumped around... like, you were talking about Asytia and her mother, then mentioned the child, then went back to talking about Asytia and her mother... I think maybe a better way of organizing it would be to start with this line:

Some would say I have bad luck. I would agree with them.


And then mention the baby on her doorstep, and then start talking about her and her mother...

Maybe...

I don't know...

I'm not an expert.

But, yeah, anywho.....

And, maybe at that end part Asytia should act more, like, unhappy with the baby… after all, at the beginning she did say she hates kids :P

I’m not criticizing your originality, honestly, but I’d just like to point out the name “Aemy” looks like “Amy,” or, “Aimee,” just a spelling variation, which, honestly isn’t very unusual… it’s fine, a pretty name, but maybe it’s pronounced differently then it looks? I’m just asking, mostly…

I like it so far... I mean, I don't know what's going to happen exactly, but it was a cool intro... And, I don’t understand the title, since at the end she clearly names the baby (I love the word “Azure,” and I love it as a name too)… but, yeah, I guess I’ll figure that out :)

--
Tabby




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I like this and I really want to read what will happen next. Ok, the little mistakes that I noticed have already been reviewed, so I'm not really needed here. Except...
...*Smiles* I really like Asytia's surname! :)
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams




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That was pretty. Most of us girls just adore dolls at a young age. During my childhood, I named every single doll in my possession David- male or female. I don't play with dolls often, but sometimes I do just for the hey of it. I say you keep writing for the sake of writing and just let your imagination be your guide in everything you write.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables



Should we not walk? On our feet? The ones I now have again? I do like my feet. They are befittingly perambulatory.
— Pattern (Rhythm of War by Brandon Sanderson)