Prologue

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Musk infiltrated the air upon entering; a thick layer of intoxicating vile stung my nostrils, tightened the looseness of my throat as I peered waywardly about the room. Settled dust on the mantles, lined with extrapolating nothingness, reminiscent of the patrons whose dead eyes barrelled to their own specific attentions, ignant. Situating myself on a smaller stool settled somberly in the corner, I observed the one particular waitress whose crow eyes flanked a flirtatious sentiment restlessly, she appeared to be starting towards myself and I wrung my hands uneasily together on the rough table's surface.
Upon reaching me, her eyes fell significantly and her pepper tone dropped to a solid wall, bearing down I beared up. "What can I get for you?" she snipped, lips pursed and nails clenching impatiently around square hips.
"Your richest red," I tutted back, my red lips pulled into a lurching smirk which apparantly freightened the woman, her staggered step backwards and towards the dank bar echoed her fast beating heart, hammering against a most certainly fragile cage.
Filtered eyes cast glances irregularly, my preference as the lesser than the more veiled by the corners' shadow may I remain until my hunger most indefinitely seeps through myself, grabbing ahold of what little logical nature is left burrowing outwards to escape the impending defeat. Time passed and with each glass the snake-eyed woman was becoming more disheartened to be refilling me, I took greater pleasure upon it as I stared into her. There was this impassable cloud of self assurity about her, one I would be most sufficely willing to dissipitate as if grinding a piece of ripe grass between nimble nails.
Most of the liquid I continued recieving was swallowed distastefully, but a haze still affected my perception as hours rode on. Patrons coming and going, but the waitress and I remained as if the only two material in the world and the rest were the embodying extractions of our minds. I could sense the uneasement before her mouth opened, greeting me again with intolerance, "Have you enough, lass?" her hiss whipped out at me but instead of the intended sting it had in its initial resolve, I felt the onslaugt of a greater desire to take her heated despise and give to her my true response instead of my unfaltering smirk. She fueled me to reach out and snatch the air of dignity amongst the wintered residences.
Patience was greatly understood to me, the need to wait if you wish to savour your victory, to shackle yourself down before lashing with true ferocity in determind advancement. I did not intend to respond, tonight I choose a more tedious approach, having the boredom of eternal forever now encroaching.
She lingered before snarling and turning back again with my emptied glass, her disgust was now enthralling me as excitement rushed from my fingertips to my thighs. The physical enrapture was beginning, building exumebably(sp?!) till it boiled like an unnatural disease leeching 'neath my skin. I reckoned no need for an extraneous amount of patience from here-on, anticipating her to stumble into me, venomously.
Outside it was damp between the back and the brick of the opposite building, a melodic drip sequenced off the roofs. What was once only physical now did what I had been preserving for; the overwhelming lurid fire that overtook my sense and logic, feeding the fierce flames. A click sounded from the door to the bar, I slipped further into my darkened sheet, even though I could smell what I had imprinted in my memory that was of her, certainty was always preferable. She slunk out of the doorway, gently locking and closing it behind her. A pius sigh released her tense muscles, her hands wearily lit a cigarette to her dried lips as she walked on, her coat wrapped close.
Roughly twenty-five steps stood between me obtaining what I felt blindingly necessary and defeat. No thought. Let it slip from your head, no distractions, just do.
When I had felt her precious warmth against my hands which fought with ease to hold her against the wall, I came into control with the fire, understanding that I had what I wanted. "You think you are better than all of them, tsk," I grinned, glaring up at her. She still felt confident against what appeared to be my small, frail form which held her in this defensive stance.
"Get off of me," she growled, placing her hands on either side of me and pushing as hard as she could muster. I felt the strength though did not move from its force, my eyes stared hard into hers as they faltered in fear. It was only a flash of it.
"How naive," I mutter to myself, she cannot grasp yet what lies for her? How ignorant humanity is, and how shatteringly strenious. I grew tiresome of their games and woes, must make this pass quickly.
"If you don't unhand m-"
I covered her mouth with my hand, now using my hips to hold her in her place. I pressed all of my weight against her, knocking the breath from her lungs. There was silence now, asides from the rythmatic tap of water. Closing the distance between my barring teeth and her neck was the final release of noise, a small squeal slipped through her lips until my poison irrevocably penetrated her. Once it was done, I stood with clean lips and momentarily regarded her still form. "Useless," I mumbled before turning and leaving her to the unforgiving cool of night.
No grievance found its way home with me, to the four walls that encased my days that were becoming shuttered and detatched from myself. Retiring was the evident choice as the unnerving itch crept through my veins, in cautious warning. And sleep did not come, instead just a thin veil of nothing pattented itself.
In this pause many things come to me, but they are ill in their intentions so best are set to fester elsewhere instead of seeding itself in the forefront.
'Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia' - E.L. Doctorow.




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Musk infiltrated the air upon entering; a thick layer of intoxicating vile stung my nostrils, tightened the looseness of my throat as I peered waywardly about the room. this first sentence feels very long and confusing. Settled dust on the mantles, lined with extrapolating nothingness, reminiscent of the patrons whose dead eyes barrelled to their own specific attentions, ignant. Situating myself on a smaller stool settled somberly in the corner, I observed the one particular waitress whose crow eyes flanked a flirtatious sentiment restlessly, she appeared to be starting towards myself and I wrung my hands uneasily together on the rough table's surface. I like the description of the waitress and your character’s reaction towards her.Upon reaching me, her eyes fell significantly and her pepper tone what’s pepper tone? dropped to a solid wall, bearing down I beared up read this last part again. Bearing down, you beared up? What does that mean?. "What can I get for you?" she snipped, lips pursed and nails clenching impatiently around square hips.
"Your richest red," I tutted back, my red lips pulled into a lurching smirk which apparantly freightened apparently frightened the woman, her staggered step backwards and towards the dank bar echoed her fast beating heart, hammering against a most certainly fragile cage. Again, another sentence that sounds awkward. Read it slowly, pausing at the commas. Does it sound right to you? To me, it feels like should be broken somewhere into another sentence.Filtered eyes cast glances irregularly, my preference as the lesser than the more veiled by the corners' shadow may I remain until my hunger most indefinitely seeps through myself, grabbing a space hold of what little logical nature is left burrowing outwards to escape the impending defeat. This sentence is also very confusing. Exactly what are you trying to say? Time passed and with each glass the snake-eyed woman was becoming more disheartened to be refilling me, I took greater pleasure upon it as I stared into her. There was this impassable cloud of self assurity about her, one I would be most sufficely willing to dissipitate as if grinding a piece of ripe grass between nimble nails.
Most of the liquid I continued recieving was swallowed distastefully, but a haze still affected my perception as hours rode on. Patrons coming and going, but the waitress and I remained as if the only two material in the world and the rest were the embodying extractions of our minds. I could sense the uneasement is uneasement a word? before her mouth opened, greeting me again with intolerance, "Have you enough, lass?" her hiss whipped out at me but instead of the intended sting it had in its initial resolve, I felt the onslaugt of a greater desire to take her heated despise and give to her my true response instead of my unfaltering smirk. She fueled me to reach out and snatch the air of dignity amongst the wintered residences.
Patience was greatly understood to me, the need to wait if you wish to savour your victory, to shackle yourself down before lashing with true ferocity in determind advancement. I did not intend to respond, tonight I choose a more tedious approach, having the boredom of eternal forever now encroaching. the boredom of eternal forever? What does this mean?She lingered before snarling and turning back again with my emptied glass, her disgust was now enthralling me as excitement rushed from my fingertips to my thighs. The physical enrapture was beginning, building exumebably(sp?!) you could just leave out that word and the sentence will sound just fine till it boiled like an unnatural disease leeching 'neath since when have you been writing in old English? my skin. I reckoned no need for an extraneous amount of patience from here-on, anticipating her to stumble into me, venomously.
Outside it was damp between the back and the brick of the opposite building, a melodic drip sequenced off the roofs. What was once only physical now did what I had been preserving for; the overwhelming lurid fire that overtook my sense and logic, feeding the fierce flames. A click sounded from the door to the bar, I slipped further into my darkened sheet, even though I could smell what I had imprinted in my memory that was of her, certainty was always preferable I‘m lost again. I assumed the sheet isn‘t literal, and neither is the actual smelling of a person. Certainty is preferable? What? I mean, of course it is, I‘ve never heard of anyone say they liked to be confused.. She Are you still talking about the waitress? slunk out of the doorway, gently locking and closing it behind her. A pius sigh released her tense muscles, her hands wearily lit a cigarette to her dried lips as she walked on, her coat wrapped close.
Roughly twenty-five steps stood between me obtaining what I felt blindingly necessary and to defeat. No thought. Let it slip from your head, no distractions, just do.
When I had felt her precious warmth against my hands which fought with ease to hold her against the wall, I came into control with the fire, understanding that I had what I wanted. "You think you are better than all of them, tsk," I grinned, glaring up at her. She still felt confident against what appeared to be my small, frail form which held her in this defensive stance.
"Get off of me," she growled, placing her hands on either side of me and pushing as hard as she could muster. I felt the strength though did not move from its force, my eyes stared hard into hers as they faltered in fear. It was only a flash of it.
"How naive," I mutter to myself, she cannot grasp yet what lies for her? How ignorant humanity is, and how shatteringly strenious. I grew tiresome of their games and woes, must make this pass quickly.
"If you don't unhand m-"
I covered her mouth with my hand, now using my hips to hold her in her place. I pressed all of my weight against her, knocking the breath from her lungs. There was silence now, asides from the rythmatic tap of water. Closing the distance between my barring teeth and her neck was the final release of noise, a small squeal slipped through her lips until my poison irrevocably penetrated her. Once it was done, I stood with clean lips and momentarily regarded her still form. "Useless," I mumbled before turning and leaving her to the unforgiving cool of night.
No grievance found its way home with me, to the four walls that encased my days that were becoming shuttered and detatched from myself. Retiring was the evident choice as the unnerving itch crept through my veins, in cautious warning. And sleep did not come, instead just a thin veil of nothing pattented itself.
In this pause many things come to me, but they are ill in their intentions so best are set to fester elsewhere instead of seeding itself in the forefront.





Alright, I think I got the gist of this, but wow was it confusing. You throw in so many big words, and for someone who is fairly adapt at reading big words, I felt like they either weren’t used right, or were in the wrong context, or were just plain unnecessary. It drags out your sentences, making them feel unnaturally long. If prose writing wasn’t what you were going for, then you need to think about making things easier to understand for your readers, To put it simply- dumb it down. A lot.

Also, when I review, I copy and paste the piece onto MS Word so that I can correct any easy spelling mistakes by skimming through the lovely red squiggles. I would’ve liked to correct them for you, but there were just so many! It feels like you were simply guessing how to spell things without actually looking them up. I don’t want to do the work for you, and my suggestion is just to copy and paste this onto a word program yourself so that you can see for yourself where you need to improve.

If you want my honesty, I was very bored with this. Deciphering your sentences was also excruciatingly frustrating. I’m not saying it’s a bad story, but your style just wasn’t very enjoyable to me.

I’m sorry if my review was in any way harsh, if you’re confused or need me to elaborate on something don’t hesitate to send me a PM and I’ll be happy to help.

Have a great day,
blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hi there! I'm Pink and I'll be reviewing this piece for you today.

I tend not to do many nitpicks but I do have some areas in which I'd like to point out a few things. Also, it seems like the reviewer above me has already done a few nitpicks here and there so I won't have to dive very deep. ^-^
Shall we begin?

Musk infiltrated the air upon entering; a thick layer of intoxicating vile stung my nostrils, tightened the looseness of my throat as I peered waywardly about the room. Settled dust on the mantles, lined with extrapolating nothingness, reminiscent of the patrons whose dead eyes barrelled to their own specific attentions, ignant. Situating myself on a smaller stool settled somberly in the corner, I observed the one particular waitress whose crow eyes flanked a flirtatious sentiment restlessly, she appeared to be starting towards myself and I wrung my hands uneasily together on the rough table's surface.

This is, as stated before, quite a confusing introduction. Firstly, the use of big words was unneeded and it made your piece sound like you were trying to be smart with the words and for some reason, intimidating. I suggest you loosen this up and try something similar. The last thing you want to do is confuse the readers right off the bat - especially in a prologue.

Also, as far as introductions go, this wasn't the best one. It wasn't that you used large words but it was unnecessarily dragging the scene. Girl comes into a thick scented bar and sits down and looks at a waitress. Yay? What makes me want to read further than this? For me, I think the first paragraph should really reel the reader in but this doesn't really accomplish that much. Anyway, we still have time so I suppose it alright.
Upon reaching me, her eyes fell significantly and her pepper tone dropped to a solid wall, bearing down I beared up. "What can I get for you?" she snipped, lips pursed and nails clenching impatiently around square hips.

I wonder what this waitress' problem is...
Also, the bolded part just sounded weird so I pointed that out.

----

Your story has potential but its drowned in thick words and long sentences, half which I had to read twice in order to understand. If you ease up on that bit, maybe we can get a clearer picture of what exactly you're meaning to say here.

The first thing which I want to talk about is the waitress. Is she having a bad day? Is that the reason why she's behaving this way? If so, let us know the reason for her peppery attitude instead of just making her into a mean person without any real reason.

Another thing, you seemed have many grammatical errors in here concerning correct placements. I think this was because you stuffed your sentences with a lot of description and probably became confused as to how to correctly place them in order. Besides comma misplacements and all, you had a few misspelled words. "detatched" is spelled "Detached" and rhymatic is spelled rhythmic. Make sure you do a spell check before posting any work so the reviewers don't have to point out the little things such as this. Normally, now days most browsers come with a 'spellcheck' but if not, you can always copy and paste your text into a spellchecker that is available online. ^^

Overall, I found this to be quite...fine. There wasn't anything about this that made it pop out and for the beginning, it starts off like any other novel and there's not much difference. I'd work on making the piece a little more creative and try to make it stand out on it's own - something different.

If you have any questions let me know, I'll be happy to review anything else if you need me to. Keep writing!

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



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