W.R.I.T.E.R.S Ch. 2

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Bolded text- Liyam's writing.
Bolded and Italicized text- Maxim's writing.


“Yeah. See you around.” I mumbled to her, but really to myself. Next- gym.

I wonder why Maxim came in the middle of the school year. She probably moved, but now? It’s January. A weird time to move to a rural town in Pennsylvania, that was miles from Cambridge. Well, anytime is a weird time to move to Bedford, Pennsylvania and go to little Bedford High School.

“What do you know? Maybe we have the same schedule!” A voice cried out. Maxim. Of course. Who else would it be?

“Yea. Maybe.” I mumbled. She was like a burr in my sock. Or a puppy, constantly following me around. I glanced over at her. She was wearing rather… scandalous gym clothes. Her pants stopped at the thighs, barely covering her. The shirt exposed up to her belly button.

“They’re Candi’s.” She explained with a small blush. I shrugged. “I wonder how she stays so skinny!”

“Rumor has it that she’s anorexic.” I replied.

“Rumor has it you and Maxim are a thing.” A cold, hostile voice said from behind me. I turned to see Candi, with blonde hair a tad below the shoulders and cold, ocean blue eyes.

“Rumor has it that you and Joshua are going out. How long, Candi?” I asked her innocently. “Oh, and rumor has it you should stay out of my business. I was talking to Maxim.”

“So it’s true!” she exclaimed. Out of the blue, I took a step towards her so I could punch her across the face.

But for some reason, she smelled intoxicating.

In a good way, I guess. It smelled like fresh cut grass and chocolate ice-cream. Just amazing. I took an uncertain step backwards. Candi took advantage of this, stepping forwards.

“Get away.” Maxim said, stepping towards Candi. She didn’t back down.

“You, go away. We don’t want anyone to get hurt… do we?” She challenged. Maxim, her courageous spurt over, obeyed.
But it was enough for me to recover. That was, until a strong wind gusted towards me from Maxim’s direction. She, though, smelled like limes and lemons, with a hint or orange. Tropical, almost. Maybe a flower in there…?

“Liyam? Are you alright?” She asked. “You’re eyes are a bit hazy.” I felt like I wanted something, but I didn’t know what. More than anything I’ve ever wanted.

“I- I have to go. Now.” I said simply, before just leaving. The field we were in was small, I could probably get to the other side in a few minutes.

I set off at a dead-out run. I was at the end of the field quickly, before easily climbing a tree.

“Liyam?! Can I ask you a simple question? What the hell is your problem?” Maxim demanded, breathing heavily.

“I need to be alone.” I insisted.

“I’m not about to just leave you.”

“Go away! Now!” I yelled. Somehow, I could still smell her. What was this?

“No. You have to tell me what is going on.”

“No! You’re not special, Maxim. I hate you! I only attacked Joshua because I wanted to beat him up, nothing for you! Just go away!” She hesitated. “NOW!” She slowly climbed from the huge oak tree, tears slowly leaking from her eyes. Dang, why do I hate to see her like that? I only knew her for hours… and yet it seems like I’ve known her since I was 2. Sniffling, she walked a few feet from the tree, before some boys gathered around me. It seems they didn’t see me.

“Hey, chick. You new here?”

“Just- I have to go.” She replied. I could as well as smell her fear.

“Why you going so fast, pretty thing?” The evident leader asked, lifting her chin. He smiled maliciously.

I low growl ripped from my throat. A growl? That’s strange. I should have cursed them out and beat them up, but, you know, too late.

They glanced around, but didn’t look up to find me. Good.

“Well, we don’t we hook up for a second?” He asked. It settled in me what his purposes were. He was going to- no. I wouldn’t let him. I growled again, louder. I couldn’t control myself, growling like a dog. I was leaning in the tree, but I quickly dropped to all fours, ready to pounce.

“Don’t touch her.” I threatened. That’s when they looked up to see me in the tree.

“Who are you?” He asked.

“He’s that Liyam dude who tortures the other kids.”

“Well, that’s nice. I haven’t beaten up a bully in a while.”

“Don’t dare get close to her.” I threatened. “I’ll rip your throat out.”

He smiled evilly, before putting a hand on her waist. Stupid Maxim, afraid of both of us, didn’t do anything.

Anger welled up, boiling inside of me. I couldn’t control myself. I jumped from the tree. Mid-jump, my clothes ripped. Fur began to replace it. Brown fur- brown bear fur. Claws grew in, along with sharp teeth. Freaked out, they began to run.

Even though I had no idea what I was, or what to do, I began to run. The chase. Now, bears aren’t the fastest beasts on the world, but dang, they’re strong. Besides, the boys weren’t fast, anyways. I quickly grabbed one boy’s leg and slammed him to the ground.

He yelped something that I couldn’t understand- something like "Hepin wogisew ied!". The boys replied in the same language. Maxim’s voice screamed a word I didn’t know either. But it attracted my attention. I perked my head up, the boy scrambling away from me. I growled, but didn’t follow. Instead, I lumbered over to Maxim.

I was literally a real, adult-sized bear. Maxim was just around my height.

“Liafeg?” She asked. I cocked my head, curious. She repeated the word-Liafeg. What does that mean?! I had never heard a word like that. “Liafeg hegea thaek afih sfuh!” She yelped. For the life of me, I could not gather a word of sense from her. Suddenly, her arms draped around me, hugging me. That I understood.

“Hello, Maxim.” I replied.

She returned the puzzled look.

“Hefa hraf aecr ecfski!” She exclaimed. She saw my baffled, hazy glare. Using a stick, she scratched something in the dirt- Do you understand me?

I shook my head violently. Using my claw, I scratched something in turn- Do you understand me? I asked her.

No, She replied. What are you, Liyam?

A bear, obviously.

Should I be scared? She asked me.

I thought long, before replying.

Yes.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Well, this is another ok chapter... I think you do a bit to much telling and this chapter is mostly dialogue. Although, it's a short chapter so I guess the dialogue doesn't matter. I was really surprised when Liyam turned into a bear... Is he a W.R.I.T.E.R?? Or is Maxim? If he isn't the W.R.I.T.E.R. what is he!?!

This story is draws you in then holds you, like a moth to light. I think that once you get over the telling and get to the true adventure/story it will be awesome!

Keep writing,
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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Hey there! :D
I really like your story so far, I think it's really original and awesome. I like this chapter, I personally like dialogue and Liyam turning into a bear at the end was a nice surprising twist. Keep writing!




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Hey MC! Glad to see another installment. :)

Okay, so interesting twist! Definitely not expecting him to morph into an animal, and when he did I thought he was going to be a wolf, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that he's a bear. Nice job.

Now, your story is good, interesting, and entertaining, but it's written in a very hurried manner; I don't get a lot of time to actually take a breath and calm down for a bit. Instead, as the reader, I'm jerked around from scene to scene, rushing along with the characters as they leap from action bit to action bit, and it gets tiring. You want to have some lower-key scenes and just give the reader a chance to absorb what's going on.

Another problem I'm finding is that I can't really picture where everything's happening. All I know is that first he seems to be in the school with Maxim and Candi, and then they're outside in some field with a tree, and that's all I can really imagine. Where are all the other students, anyway? There should be some bustling life, but right now I get a very empty feel for the whole place.

The part with Candi is a bit odd, too. She lets Maxim wear her clothes, and then treats her meanly and starts talking about rumors? I'd assume, if someone were to lend another person clothes, that they'd have some kind of camaraderie, that they'd be friendly and helpful, which is not the impression of Candi that I'm getting here.

Using a stick, she scratched something in the dirt- Do you understand me?

I shook my head violently. Using my claw, I scratched something in turn- Do you understand me? I asked her.

No, She replied. What are you, Liyam?


I'd reword this, because asking vaguely whether she understands him and vice versa is a little inconsistent when they each respond; if they couldn't understand, they wouldn't be able to reply. Maybe if you mention the speaking problem, it'd be a little more realistic, such as "Do you understand what I'm saying?" or something. I don't know, just a suggestion, since it sounded kind of weird the other way.

All right, so that's all I've got to say! Keep up the good work. (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



something about rain makes you want to be in love
— canopy