Sincerely, Smiley Face [Chapter 1]

This is the first chapter of my 2/3 completed NaNo novel. I'm starting to go back and edit it (so that maybe I'll get inspired and actually finish the thing). So here it is. Along with the usual stuff, I'd like to know if this is good in 3rd person, or if you would like it better in first. I wrote half the novel in 3rd, than the other have in 1st, and don't know which half to edit. Thanks in advance!
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Chapter 1 – The Runaway

Greg looked around his messy room and sighed. There was no way he was going to fit everything he needed into one small bag. There was just too much to take with him. Food, water, money, clothes. And thousands of other things that he didn’t even know he should take now, but once he left would become painfully obvious that he should have.

After about fifteen minutes of fretting with himself, Greg just jumped headfirst in and started to throw everything he could place his hands on into his old black backpack. Tissues, shirts, sharpies, money. Lots of money. He scrunched a shirt up into a little ball and stuffed it as deeply as he could into the backpack. It was frantic bliss, not having time to care about what he put into the bag. Slowly, his bag inflated like a balloon from all the crap he was putting into it. When it could take no more, he slung it onto his shoulders and looked down at the floor in deranged delight. It was almost like he had cleaned his room.

Greg slowly walked through his house, silently saying goodbye to it. He didn’t think that he would be sentimental, but he sort of was. The house hadn’t even been his for that long, only about five years. He remembered each move he went through, each time saying goodbye to a little part of himself. Today, it was just another piece he was leaving behind.

He reached the door and pulled it open, feeling the air rush into his body. He took the first step out of his house, and into the new life he had been forced to create.

----

“Emergency. There has been a fire emergency reported in the building. Please leave using marked stairways."

Greg watched as his class got up and started to file out of his Chemistry room. It was the perfect time for a fire drill, in the middle of book work. Greg got up and walked with his class out the door and into the crowded hallways. He stayed with them for a minute, but then stopped following them. He let people push past him until he was sure that his class was long gone. Then, he looped back into his Chemistry classroom, and smiled.

Time to steal an iPod from Steven Brown.

Greg was stealing it for two reasons. First, he hated Steven. He had made Greg's life hell the past year. You wouldn't think someone as harmless looking as Steven would be able to do anything to make Greg upset. But he had. Greg didn't know why Steven had chosen him as a target, but ever since the start of 10th grade, he had hunted Greg down like a rat. Greg wished he could just punch the guy in the face, but Steven’s rich mom would probably sue him or something. This way was easy, and there was no backfire.

The second reason Greg was stealing was just that he liked to. He didn't know why. It wasn't that he needed what he was taking, although it was true he wasn't rich. It was just the intense adrenaline that came when he was sneaking arond. Some people liked to ride roller coasters. Greg liked to steal things. He had a fascination with theft, and more importantly, those who did it. The greatest thieves were remembered by society, long after they passed. And in the darkest corner of his mind, Greg thought that maybe, he too would be able to change the world through his actions. To live on.

Greg walked quietly through the classroom, until he got to Steven's backpack. Today, he had brought his third iPod Touch to school. And an iPad. And a MacBook. Greg wondered what you could even do with that many once-bitten-apple-logo products. He unzipped Steven's book bag pocket where he saw he had placed his iPod touch. Greg quickly found where it was, and pulled it out.

"Jackpot," he whispered to himself, and turned around. But to his horror he saw someone’s face looking at him in fury. It was Steven.

---

Greg walked quickly through his neighborhood, watching as the autumn leaves fell from trees. He had a lot of distance to cover if he didn't want his mom to find him. She would be getting back late, around ten. But she had a car, and Greg only had his feet.

He walked past the crowded streets of Virginia, careful to wait until there were no cars coming. The cars whizzed by him, none slowly down. Greg wondered if any of them thought, even imagined, that he was running away from home. It was ludicrous to think someone would, he knew, but it made his life feel at least a bit important. Like someone would care that he was gone.

Greg thought back to his mother. They hadn't gotten along for as long as he could remember. She was a devote Catholic, he was an atheist. Over time, their views spread so far apart, that they couldn't talk about anything without it erupting into an argument about Morals. Sometimes he would try to play along with her beliefs, but he couldn't for very long; it was just too appalling to him that someone could think that way. And her being a single parent, he didn't have anyone else to turn to. He felt a twinge of guilt, but brushed it aside. He had to do this.

---

Greg stood frozen facing Steven. There was utter silence, everyone else was outside. Greg waited for Steven to do something, anything. Then, he could react and escape.

"What the hell!" Steven yelled at him, and ran towards Greg. Greg jumped on top of his desk and dashed across the room, stepping on binders and notebooks as he went. Steven ran up to where Greg was standing and lunged at him. Greg started to jump, but Steven grabbed onto his leg mid-jump. Greg felt his body fall down to the earth. It felt like he was falling in slow motion. He outstretched his hands towards a desk and braced for impact. His hands collided into the desk, and his whole body smashed into it. His head rang, but Greg knew he had to get up. He tried to make his body move, but he felt stuck, his legs like jelly. A hand grabbed Greg's head, and he was staring into Steven's angry face.

"Give it to me." Steven held out his hand to Greg.

"No," said Greg and he lifted himself up and, with all his strength, pushed Steven. He fell backwards, his arms flailing in the air helplessly. His head hit a desk with a thud. He looked at Steven laying in the middle of the classroom. His eyes were closed, and blood was dripping from his head. Greg stared at him for a second, unable to breath. He felt proud for a moment, glory even. He had finally stood up to Steven, and defeated him. But... one look at the blood and all he could feel was guilt and terror.

Suddenly, a sound reached Greg's ears. He snapped his head up. Footsteps. Without time to do anything, his Chemistry teacher walked into the classroom and flipped the lights on. Greg was caught.

---


The day was turning into night. Greg was exhausted from walking for that long.. He collapsed on the sidewalk and rummaged through his bag, looking for a watch. After ten minutes of searching, he finally found one. '7:30', it read. Night was coming faster and faster every day. Greg knew he only had a few minutes until the sun went completely down.

He stood up, and kept moving. He had to keep walking, he had to. But each step seemed to drain him more than the last. His backpack felt heavier and heavier. Greg looked wearily around. If only he could drive. Or take a train, or a plane. He laughed, imagining himself in a private jet. Then, his eyes caught something gleaming in the last bit of sunlight.

It was a silver bike, left out in someone's driveway. Greg walked over to it. Once he reached it, he saw that the bike had a lock around it, and was attached to the garage door. Greg's mouth curled up into a hint of a smile. It was like someone was challenging him. "Ha, bet you'd want to steal this!" the mysterious force seemed to say to him.

Challenge Accepted. Greg grabbed the lock and pulled. No good. He would have to guess the number. He held his ear up to the lock, and listened as he turned each number. Each time he moved the pad, there was a click. He just had to make sure it was the right click. Greg put his whole attention onto picking the lock, blocking out all other sounds. Click, click... click. "There's one," he thought, noticing the slightly different sound. Every so often he had to look up to make sure he wasn't being watched. If the owner of this bike saw him now, it would be bad. Very bad.

---

Greg sat in the principal’s office, next to Steven. The principal, a middle aged women, stared down at papers. Greg tried to act casual, to not show his fear. He tried to tell himself everything was going to be okay. Greg glanced at Steven. He stilled looked dazed from his fainting spell, but other than that no lasting harm was done to him.

The principal finally looked up from the papers and stared at them with jet black eyes. She waited a moment. Greg leaned forward, anticipating what she was going to say. "I'm decided," she started. "I've decided that both of you will get a five day suspension..." Steven gasped in horror at this statement. Greg sighed a breath of relief. "I didn't get expelled," he thought gratefully. Sure his mother would be mad, but he could handle that. Making her move him to another school, and all the legal action behind an expulsion... He didn't know the specifics, only that it could get very expensive, very fast.

"And you Greg," she said. Greg jumped up at this.

"Yes ma'am?" he asked.

"Because you attempted theft AND fought another student, I am recommending you for expulsion."

Her words hung in the air. Expulsion. He thought of what that word meant. His mother yelling, them having to get a lawyer, going to court, moving, and him going to a new school.

"No..." Greg said, barely audibly.

"You may leave," she said, and motioned the security guard. He walked over, an obese man who looked more bored than concerned for what had just happened.

Greg stood up, but only because of habit. He couldn't feel his legs, they were like jelly. He walked slowly out of the room and followed the security guard. He didn't even know where he was going. All he could think about was that he had got expelled.

---

Click. "That should do it," Greg thought. He grabbed both ends of the lock, took a deep breath and pulled. A grin spread across his face.

It was open.

He slide the lock off the bike quickly and grabbed the handlebars. The bike was a little short for him, but otherwise it was perfect. He was about to pedal off when he remembered he had forgotten his backpack. He leaned the bike against the garage door and went to his backpack. He grabbed it, but forgot he had left the zipper open. Tons of items started to tumble out of his backpack and onto the concrete. Greg cursed in frustration and started to pick them up. He really had packed the strangest things. Greg stared at a sheet of smiley face stickers that had somehow gotten into his backpack. The little yellow faces looked almost mockingly happy to Greg. He peeled one off and placed it next to the bike lock he had cracked. It almost looked like a graffiti sign to him. There was just one thing missing.

Greg took out the black sharpie and started to write on the uneven pavement. After a moment he lifted up his pen and stared at his handy work. He couldn't help but laugh at it. It was almost like he was one of those cartoon thieves on TV, leaving his mark everywhere he went. Greg looked at it one more time before pedaling off into the night.
"Sincerely,
"

Hey Wariofart!

I'm going to take a look at this for ya!

1. Third or First person? -

So, you said that you are torn between using third or first person. To be honest, I think this piece works well in third person. I like how you write what's happening in the present and then switch to a memory. It gives the story more depth. If you are going to stick to third person, then you'll have to change a couple of things -

After about 15 minutes of fretting with himself, the boy just

I'd change 'the boy' to 'Greg'

place his hands on into my old black backpack.

'my' should be 'his'

little part of me

Change 'me' to 'him'

feeling the air rush into my body.

'my' to 'his'

Also, 'into his body' makes it sounds as though he's inhaling the air. If that isn't your intention I'd suggest changing 'into' to 'over'


2. Nit-piks -

And thousands of other things that he didn’t even know he should take, but once he left would become painfully obvious.

This needs re-wording as it reads like there are words missing. Try -

'And thousands of other things that he didn’t even know if he should take, but once he left would become painfully obvious he needed.'

After about 15 minutes of fretting with himself

'15' should be written as 'fifteen'

only about 5 years.

Same here, '5' should be 'five'

until he got to the backpack of Steven.

Try, 'until he got to Steven's backpack.'

And an MacBook.

'an' should be 'a'

She would be getting back late, around 10.

'10' to 'ten'

Like no one would care that he was gone.

In the sentence before this one, you make Greg wonder if anone would notice he was gone, making him feel like his life is important. By writing this, you contradict that. If you want to add to the sentece before, carrying on the thought, you should write -

'Like someone would care that he was gone.'

So it would read like this -

'Greg wondered if any of them thought, even imagined, that he was running away from home. It was ludicrous to think someone would, he knew, but it made his life feel at least a bit important. Like someone would care that he was gone.'

The whole thing makes more sense like this.

Greg though back to his mother.

'thought'

There was utter silence, everyone else was outside.

I think this would read better if you changed the comma to a semi-colon -

'There was utter silence; everyone else was outside.

A hand grabbed Greg's head, and he was staring into Steven's angry face.

Try - 'A hand grabbed Greg's head, and he was forced to look into Steven's angry face.'

Using 'forced' will help show that there's aggression in Steven's move to grab Greg by the head.

He feel backwards, his arms flailing in the air helplessly

'feel' should be 'fell'

His head hit a desk with a thud, and Greg heard a bang.

You don't need the part of the sentence after the comma. The 'thud' part already implies that a noise was heard by Greg.

Greg was caught.

This sentence seems a little... obvious? Try something like -

'Greg didn't have time to hide.'

Greg was exhausted from walking for that long..

This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Try something like -

'Greg was exhausted; it felt like he'd been walking forever.'

After 10 minutes of searching,

'10' to 'ten'

7:30, it read.

I'm not totally sure on the correct way to phrase time in a story, but I suggest either -

- '7:30PM'

or

-'seven-thirty'

Greg knew he only had a few minutes until the sun went completely down.

'went down completely' doesn't read right. Maybe try -

'Greg knew he only had a few minutes until the sun disappeared from view.'

But each step seemed to drain him more than the next.

'next' should be 'last'

Greg put his whole attention on working the lock, blocking out all other sound except the lock.

'put his attention' doesn't sound right. Also, having 'lock' twice in this sentence sounds repetitive. Try something like -

'Greg concentrated wholly on working the lock, blocking out all other sounds.'

but other than that no lasting harm was done to him.

I thought he'd been bleeding from the head? Head wounds are usually serious...

placed in next

'in' should be 'it'

Sincerely,

I think this sould be in quotation marks.

3. Overall impression -

So. I liked this. It flowed well and apart from the mistakes I've pointed out above, it was a nice piece. Your main problem is phrasing words in sentences. Try reading the piece aloud - awkwardly worded sentences should jump out to you then.

I liked the smiley face sticker thing. It's a nice touch and adds to your character, givng him a trade-mark. It kind of reminded me of something in the program, 'The Mentalist,' where a character, 'Red John' draws smiley faces above his victim

Could you let me know when you post more please. I enjoyed this and would like to read on

I hope this review is helpful.

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

I liked this, I won't nitpick because it has already been done, but the title should be sincerely not sincery, other than that, very good

Keep up the writing,

~Tinkem

Hi! Thanks for the request. Sorry it took me a few days... but better late than never, and all's well that ends well, and it's the thought that counts... but forget and forgive, okay? Gosh, when did I start using so many clichés? Anyhow, onto the review...

I was going to do nit-picks, but Dudette seems to have pointed out everything I would have, so I'm not going to. But I do recommend you read what she said and take it to heart! She pointed out some things that you really ought to change. Something else I'd like to address is repetition. Not necessarily repetition of words, but more repetition of structure. You start a lot of sentence with either "He [verb]" or "Greg [verb]" and this gets a little tiring after a while. Also watch out when you say "Greg" and when you say "he." Mostly, I think you should say "Greg" as little as possible, because it sounds awkward if you write it in too many different places. Basically, if we already know who you're talking about (like if it's only been about him for the whole thing...) then you will rarely need to call him by his name.

Those little technicalities pointed out, I'd like to say that I liked this piece! I'm intrigued by the character, mostly. He seems very original and interesting. He loves stealing, and he fights Steven, so he's not perfect... but he's still likable. As a reader, I care about him already and I'm interested to know more about him. Good job on that! It's not easy to do that in such a short time. I also really like the format of switching between time-frames. It makes e wonder: is the whole novel going to be like that, or are you just doing it as a way of catching the reader up on what happened right before the current plot? I can't really imagine what you'll do when the italic time reaches the time of the non-italic one... but I guess I'd have to read the novel in order to know that, eh? But that aside, I actually liked the way the relatively action-y italic sections contrasted the more contemplative non-italics. It was a good way of drawing readers in while also giving them some information that they'll need to know for the rest of the novel.

Lauren says in her contest that she wants the chapter to make her hooked and want to read more. Well, right now the only thing that's hooking me at all is the character. I am intrigued by what I see of him and I'd like to get to know him better. The plot, on the other hand, I didn't find to be very exciting. I haven't really found myself wondering what will happen next. A teenager running away from home? It's a cool premise, because it's so open (almost anything could happen at this point!) but it's also not exactly original. There are a lot of writers who have taken that start. Where you go from here is what will set you apart from them, so my recommendation is that you put a little more into the first chapter. I love the way it ends, so I don't suggest you take the beginning of the second chapter and paste it onto the end of this one... but I would like it if somewhere in there you put some more ideas of what is going to happen to Greg. I'm only saying this because of Lauren's contest, and I think that if you're not specific enough about what the plot is going to be like, she may not find it terribly intriguing.

Another thing I'd like to mention is: show, don't tell! Zounds, I really am into clichés today, aren't I? In fact, I feel a little bad saying this because so many people say it like some sort of mantra, but I really think it would help here. See, especially if it's in third person (which I think it should be), then the reader should feel like an observer. Sure, we're a special kind of observer because we can observe Greg's thoughts... but we're still just an observer. We should feel like we're observing and reaching our own conclusions based on observations, not like we're being told what to see and what to think of it. Does that make any sense?

For example, when you tell us that he likes stealing, I think that would be much more powerful if you showed it instead. Showed us the way he grins from the adrenalin, and maybe you could even mention that he's stolen before, and stuff like that... but dwell more on the descriptions than on the explanations. Another example would be when you're telling about how much he dislikes Steven. In my opinion, if you showed Greg thinking things along the lines of "Hah, take that Steven! This is what you get for bullying me since the beginning of first grade," (only not written like that, obviously... >.<) than it would be more powerful than saying "Greg hated Steven and this is why." Basically, don't be afraid to leave the reader wondering about some things. You don't want to leave too many mysteries, but if you explain too much than readers won't necessarily want to read on because they won't feel like there's anything they're wondering about and want to find the answer to. Even though this is the first chapter, so readers don't know anything about your character or plot or anything, you might want to write a little more like they did. Like you're referencing things they already know.

Now about first vs. third. I think it works fairly well in third, actually. I like the distance that it forms since I have a feeling that this is a piece that will be most effective from a distance. But I also think I would like to read more of Greg's thoughts. I'd like to be let into his mind either a lot more or a lot less. Right now, it's not quite distant and it's not quite intimate, so I don't know whether I should feel like I can read his mind or if I should read his body language. This isn't really a big issue, though. I think the main problem with this piece is that the plot isn't exciting yet, so the only thing keeping it going is the (brilliant!) character. The idea of a teenager running away from home is somewhat generic, so if you introduced something, beside the character, which would set your piece apart I think that could go a long way.

All in all, though, good job! I love the character and really liked the ending. In fact, it felt a little like the ending of a short story. One of those "the end, but also the beginning..." endings. ^_^

PM me or post on my wall if I was unclear about anything or if you'd like to discuss any points I've made!

I hope this helps.

a

Hey Wario! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

The cars whizzed by him, none slowly down.

slowed

He grabbed it, but forgot he had left the zipper open. Tons of items started to tumble out of his backpack and onto the concrete.

Why would he have left the zipper open? He's been walking with it for a while, and never opened it to get anything out. It just doesn't make much sense.

First or Third Person
I say stick with third. Personally, I like writing in third more than first and think it's pretty tough to write really good in first person. A writer has to be really close to the character, and have a good grasp on their voice to write it well. I don't know how you write in first person, but I think you do very well in third.

Character & Plot
Greg is a fascinating character. He's a kleptomaniac (compulsive stealer) and a generally rebelious guy, but he seems to know his limits and is concerned when he is threatened with expulsion. He's pretty well-balanced which is great for a character. They should have complex traits.

What is really lacking in this chapter is plot. We see that Greg is running away, and that he got in trouble at school, but there's never a clear connection between the two events. Why is he running away? Did he get expelled, and that's why he feels he has to run away? If this is true, why does it make him feel he has to run away? There's so much more to know in this chapter than is revealed. As a reader, I don't even get a sense of what he's going to do next. Is he going to go on a string of thefts and leave these smiley face stickers? There doesn't need to be an outright statement of what he's going to do (that would be boring ) but it would be nice to get a little hint, a little sense of what this story will bring.

Overall, this was an interesting read. I really liked the character, and I liked the switching between what was going on now and what already happened. The only major thing is the lack of clear connection between the events. Anyways, good job and keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-

I didn't spot any big mistakes in the writing and I thought it was pretty good. The only other comment I have is on the italicized and normal fonts. I understand that Greg is running away, but why is he? And how does his expulsion tie into that? Great writing! Keep it up!