The Rain's Dance

It's raining again.
Why do I feel so sad when it rains?
Fat droplets slide down my face
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants,
Travelling far away.

I wonder where you are
Are you standing in the rain too?
Each drop freezing your heart.
Then you are next to me
Holding my empty hand.
The rain batters us, bruises us
Giving up? Slowly breaking us down
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving
Is creeping in again, filling my head
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth
Pulling me down...

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once carressing
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me
Taking me apart.
The mist, I see you and it
Don't take it's hand, it will only hurt you!
But my words are locked up
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step, dancing with the mist

The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever
The mist and you dance on.

strawberrypop13 wrote:It's raining again. Great first line.
Why do I feel so sad when it rains? I think you could do without this line. Remember: show, don't tell.
Fat droplets slide down my face Nice imagery!
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants,
Travelling far away.

I wonder where you are. How about "Where are you?" instead?
Are you standing in the rain too?
Each drop freezing your heart?
Then you are next to me
Holding my empty hand. Oh! Nice!
The rain batters us, bruises us
Giving up? Slowly breaking us down
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving Think of an alternative for "unforgiving."
Is creeping in again, filling my head
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts Taunting your thoughts? I dunno....
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth
Pulling me down....

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once caressing I thought they were always cold and dreary to you?
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me
Taking me apart. "Taking" sounds strange. How about "picking," "tearing," or "eating (me away)?"
The mist, I see you and it
Don't take its hand, it will only hurt you.
But my words are locked up
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step, dancing with the mist You recently used this last word.

The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade I think you could do without "wet."
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever
The mist you dance on.

Wow! This is great! I love it! The feeling, the imagery...both so well orchestrated. Keep writing!

-Kafka

It's raining again. Nice. Simple, but it sets the tone for the poem.
Why do I feel so sad when it rains? This line doesn't really sound good. Its saying something that the poem itself is already saying, so it is a bit redundant.
Fat droplets slide down my face
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants, I like this similie. Very original.
Travelling far away.

I wonder where you are Not a good flow. Try rewording it. someone said, "Where are you?" I think this would work better. Not only would it flow better, but it would be a good lead into the next question. Questions always offer a bit of mystery.
Are you standing in the rain too?
Try either: IsEach drop freezing your heart? or: As each drop freezes your heart.
Then you are next to me Good transition
Holding my empty hand. Nice amount of detail
The rain batters us, bruises us AWESOME!
Giving up? Slowly breaking us down I don't think this line flows very well. It isn't a good transition from the line before it because you jumped into a question. Make it more solid. "Giving up; breaking us down, slowly."
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor. Nice metaphor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving
Is creeping in again, filling my head
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts You should either put a period instead of a comma after whispering, or add and.
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth
Pulling me down... Dude! Brilliant!

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me Very original.
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once carressing I don't like the word fat in here. It was at the beginning and was okay there, but it doesn't work here. Don't replace it I think you should just take it out all together.
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me Again, I think you should replace the comma with a period or and.
Taking me apart.
The mist, I see you and it It? eh.
Don't take its hand, it will only hurt you!
But my words are locked up
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step, dancing with the mist redundant.

The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade I agree with Kafka. Take out wet.
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever
The mist and you dance on.

Overall, it was lovely but there were a few things you could have changed. Keep it up!

Ooh, nice poem!

A couple minor changes I think would make this really neat!

It's raining again.
Why do I feel so sad when it rains? <-- I think you can say this more subtlety.
Fat droplets slide down my face
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants,
Travelling far away.

I wonder where you are
Are you standing in the rain too?
Each drop freezing your heart. <-- It seems weird that the other person suddenly appears, so I would probably have them stand next to each other in the first place.
Then And you are next to me
Holding my emptyhand.
The rain batters us, bruises us
Giving up? Slowlybreaking us down
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving
Is creeping in again, filling my head
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts M<-- I think the next image is cooler!
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth
Pulling me down...

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once carressing <-- spell caressing right
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me
Taking me apart.
The mist, I see you and it
Don't take it's hand, it will only hurt you!
But my words are locked up
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step away, and dance dancing with the mist
The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever
The mist and you dance on. <-- Okay, I crossed out this verse completely, but only because I would alter it completely. I think it would be really cool if you had continued the speed of the last verse and didn't slow down your poem to talk about how your world is disintegrating, etc., etc. The reason for that is you just set it up so that the other person (lover?) just got abducted by mist!!! You cannot slow down and dwell on your own thoughts... you have to describe what's going on with the other person! It's the more compelling scene. Then, after you do that, you can slow down. But don't stop describing!

Hope that helps!

Just a few things I loved this, I really felt the emotion that you were portraying in it. Wonderful.

It's raining again. I love the opening line!
Why do I feel so sad when it rains?
Fat droplets slide down my face I would put in a comma here
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants,
Travelling far away. Actually spelled "traveling"

I wonder where you are A period here
Are you standing in the rain too? Wow...very powerful line
Each drop freezing your heart.
Then you are next to me
Holding my empty hand. <3
The rain batters us, bruises us
Giving up? Slowly breaking us down Hm I don't think the question mark fits in the middle here
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving
Is creeping in again, filling my head
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth Wow...just...wow...insanely descriptive...gave me chills. Brilliant.
Pulling me down...

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once carressing Should be spelled "Caressing"
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me
Taking me apart.
The mist, I see you and it
Don't take it's hand, it will only hurt you! The "it's" should actually be "its"
But my words are locked up
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step, dancing with the mist

The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade No wet, just serenade
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates "Drip, drip" kind of takes away from this part. Perhaps something such as "With a single drip"
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever
The mist and you dance on.

Absolutely wonderful poem, really. I enjoyed reading every second of it. Keep writing! <3

It's raining again.

I love this line

leaving tiny tracks of water
like a line of weary ants,
traveling far away.

I wonder where you are,
are you standing in the rain too?

Each drop freezing your heart.

This part is a little awkward. I think it's because it seems like it should be: "Each drop freezing my heart."

Then you are next to me,
holding my empty hand.

If he/she is holding the narrators "empty" hand wouldn't it be not empty any more???

The rain batters us, bruises us.

Giving up? Slowly breaking us down This should be 2 lines. It's also a little awkward.
leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.

Is "Giving up?" Part of the line above it, because it doesn't seem like it should be. "Slowly breaking us down" is totally unrelated to "Giving up?", it should probably be a different stanza...

is creeping in again, filling my head.

Whispering and taunting my poor thoughts, poor thoughts is an awkward way to say something, try and think of using some other words.
wrapping icy fingers around my mouth, nice line
pulling me down...

Tasting grit, the road rushing away from me
as I try to get back up.

now grabbing and stealing parts of me,
taking me apart.

Through the mist I see you and it.

But my words are locked up.

and away you step, dancing with the mist.

The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade,
drip, drip, drip,
my world disintegrates,
just a tainted puddle of blood and tears.
Now tiny raindrops carry me away,
into the river, lost forever.

This poem is very well written, but I do have some problems with it.
1. Some of the lines don't tie in very well with the rest of them.
2. Some of the words don't work very well together. Try to go through everything and read it out loud to yourself so that you can fix anything that sounds weird.

All in all I think this is a really nice piece that needs a bit of polishing! Great job!

Keep writing,
Alzora

Raindrop by raindrop are falling from my eyes now. This is just a BEAUTIFUL peace of work. I think it is perfect just the way it is.

It's raining again.
Why do I feel so sad when it rains?
Fat droplets slide down my face I like this line.
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants, Good use of the word 'weary'
Travelling traveling far away.

I wonder where you are
Are you standing in the rain too?
Each drop freezing your heart. Great line
Then you are next to me
Holding my empty hand.
The rain batters us, bruises us I love your imagery
Giving up? Slowly breaking us down
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving
Is creeping in again, filling my head
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth
Pulling me down...

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once carressing caressing
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me
Taking me apart.
The mist, I see you and it
Don't take it's hand, it will only hurt you!
But my words are locked up
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step, dancing with the mist

The cold raindrops continue their wet serenade
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever
The mist and you dance on. Great ending.

Here is my suggestion:

It's raining again, but
Why do I feel so sad when it rains?
Rich droplets slide down my face, - I would have used another adjective here, such as "rich (droplets)".
Leaving tiny tracks of water
Like a line of weary ants,
Travelling so far away. - The rhythm sounds better to me this way.

I wonder where you are
Are you standing in the rain too,
Each drop freezing your heart?
Then you are next to me
Holding my empty hand.
The rain batters us, bruises us
Giving up? Slowly breaking us down,
Leaving cracked pieces of love on the floor.
The mist, cold and unforgiving,
Is creeping in again, filling my head,
Whispering, taunting my poor thoughts,
Wrapping icy fingers around my mouth,
Pulling me down...

Tasting grit, road rushing away from me
As I try to get back up.
The fat, greedy droplets, once carressing, - same as above.
Now grabbing, stealing parts of me,
Taking me apart.
The mist, I see you and it. - this sounds quite strange, it is not very clear what you meant to say
Don't take its hand, it will only hurt you!
But my words are locked up.
Your hand leaves mine
And away you step, dancing with the mist.

The cold raindrops continue their damp serenade. - "damp" sounds better, from my POV
Drip, drip, my world disintegrates.
A tainted puddle of blood and tears
And tiny raindrops carry me away
Into the river, lost forever.
The mist and you dance on.

I like the last line, it is a good ending. Well, you have some punctuation mistakes and commas that you've omitted, but otherwise not bad.

Try to use more "sophisticated" words and avoid adjectives that we use every day.