No. 6

Deleted.

Bonjour!

I do french, but i'm not sure to what degree I am compared to you, but I noticed somethings.

it is mainly the feminie and masculine agreements. Par exemple!

mon petite amie. It either should be ;
Mon petit ami
Ma petite amie

The top one is boyfriend and the second it girlfriend.

It is just things like that.

I like the idea of writing a poem in a different language, however if that is the case, I, me personally, would write some more poetic devices, for example imagery. A buit of imagery in here would be nice

Keep it up,
PM me for anything!

~Retro Disco666

P.S. - should it be written in the past historic as it is a piece of writing as such, as it is what poems and books are written in. Just a thought

Hi Bolshevik. It's an interesting idea to write a poem in a different language, and I agree that you need to show more technical elements. I can tell this was written in English first, and then translated; ideally, the rhythm and rhyme schemes should be based on the french side for a poem like this.

Also, you can remove the 'Le' from the start of lines - it's wrong - and change 'mon' to 'ma'

"ne faites-tu pas plus butress moi". This is a dense line, and technically incorrect in the tense you are keeping. "n'est plus tu me butress" is a possible alternative. Shorter, rolls off the tongue, and in-tense.

You just need to brush up on your posessives and tenses in french.
Bonne chance, mon ami. xD

~Elder.

I really enjoyed this, I loved the way you created a french poem and then put it into english. Though I know very little french because I am only in Spanish 2 but I still enjoyed the english very much! Thanks for posting I will look at more of your writing!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Alright =D I liked the poem. I am, at the moment, in french one so this taught me a lot. However, to review the poem I took out the french to focus on the words.

My girlfriend, why must you torture me?
you make me laugh, you make me cry,
You make me live, and wish to die. I love this line, but rhyming cry with die seems chilche. Try to expand it some how. The piont your trying to make does get across though.
My girlfriend, why must you stifle me?
You let me in, then turn away,
and leave my world, both bleak and gray.Nice!
My most beautiful girlfriend,
when I am down upon my knees,
I let you see, all there is to see,
that is my soul, for you to keep.For some reason I don't think this line really goes with the poem.
My most stupid girlfriend,
no longer do you butress me,While you have a very nice vocab the word butress isn't very poetic.
I see now that I cant be free,
in your arms, my girlfriend. You need more of a explosion at the end if you get what I mean. This isn't the excitement you need to end this very good poem!

i love french. I particulary love your lyrical poem. I love it. Really you should. like, publish it