Chain-Link Fence

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Spoiler
Just a little insight on what this is about-
I saw a younger boy near the football fields. A couple dropout teens were gathered round, smoking and drinking. On my way to the track, I saw them come at the boy and tease him. I stopped, watched as they hit him. He cried, and I screamed, but there was no point...he was knocked cold. Sad to say, but a lot of guys I run into are these same kinds of jerks. The message: fight against dropouts, drinking, and violence. Stand up.


The boys on the field,
The crowds all here;
Hot dogs and nachos.
They win, we cheer.

My cap against
The chain-link fence,
My eyes glued
To tight offense.

Then dust clears,
My mind does too;
The place is not
What I once knew.

Ex-quarterback stands,
His gang lookin’ tough.
They’re painted in smoke,
Feel like bein’ rough.

My pleads are mute,
Their ears are drunk
And he’s lovin’ the game
And callin’ me “punk.”

The crowds all cheer -
Wait, they aren’t here
But the sounds are ringing
In my good ear.

The other’s bloody
And stinging bad;
They’re hunting dogs
All crazy, mad.

They press me up
‘Gainst the chain-link fence,
And the last thing I see
Is ex-offense.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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wow, really good :)
only fault being this;

StoryWeaver13 wrote:My cap against,
Tthe chain-link fence,
Mmy eyes glued,
Tto tight offense.


obviously that was just one part, but it shows throughout.

Other than that very good :P

keep up the writing

~ Tinkem
"The rabbit always squeals in the jaws of the fox, but when has another rabbit ever rushed up to save it?" Damon Salvatore
;'( please, my lump, he just needs HUGS <3
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The boys on the field,
The crowds all here;
Hot dogs and nachos.
They win; we cheer.Semi-colon and comma use can be confusing, be careful.

My cap against
The chain-link fence;
My eyes glued
To tight offense.

Then dust clears,
My mind does too;
The place is not
What I once knew.

Ex-quarterback stands,
His gang lookin’ tough.
They’re painted in smoke;
Feel like bein’ rough.

My pleads are mute,
Their ears are drunk
And he’s lovin’ the game
And callin’ me “punk.”

The crowds all cheer -
Wait, they aren’t here
But the sounds are ringing
In my good ear.

The other’s bloody
And stinging bad;
They’re hunting dogs
All crazy, mad.

They press me up
‘Gainst the chain-link fence,
And the last thing I see
Is ex-offense.


Over-all, I really liked this poem. Other than the few commas/semi-colons there weren't any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes. That really adds to a poem! (Have you ever tried reading a poem with a ton of grammar mistakes? Yikes!) You took time to set the scene and built up to the climax which many young poets don't do. The story here was deep as well, and I could tell that you feel strongly about the topic of bullying. Great job; keep writing!

~Lukan
"She looks to the stars and wishes upon one; then waits for love at the next rising sun" <3




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Hmm... I think the poem is only powerful with the introductory paragraph. I think in the poem you may want to expand more on who these former quarterbacks are. Also, it might be good to talk about who the narrator of your poem is somewhere because his identity is not known from just the poem. You have the introductory paragraph to figure that out.

Hope that helps! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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I am truly shocked to know that this was a true story. The writing completely captures the feel that you must have felt in this situation (Supposing it was you). Near the end of the poem, my heart, literally, started beating faster and I could feel like the terrified main character. An over all fantastic tale! Keep it up!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" -Albert Einstien




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Wow, I liked this! Great job!
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.



It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
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