I'm Not Crazy

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My prompt was... A boy is stuck in an elevator with a mysterious hobo and a talking dog.

He pushed the UP button angrily, fuming silently.

I'm not crazy.

He waited, arms crossed, tapping a toe, as the elevator dinged down, a light identifying each floor.

I don't need a therapist.

His parents had dropped him off. "You're out of control, Jason. Therapy will help you. We've got to go." And they drove off into the smoggy city.

I'm fine. I don't need therapy.

The doors slid open, and he stepped into the metal box with the ugly patterned carpet. He leaned against the wall and glanced at the slip of paper. Room 507 Dr. Robinson

The elevator slowed to a stop, and the doors opened again.

A man walked in with a black lab following at his heels. He nodded in greeting and moved to the opposite corner.

Jason stared, first at the man and then at the dog.

The man was obviously homeless. The gray hair spilling out of a tattered navy-blue toboggan needed a good wash, and his tan leathery skin could go for one too. His dirty green jacket covered a shirt that may have once been white.

Jason sighed and closed his eyes as a horrid smell wafted over. He frowned nervously as the elevator shuddered to a stop uncalled for. The lights flickered crazily, throwing them into darkness, only to jerk them back into the light.

The man didn't react at all, though the dog whined softly.

"Come on, Bernie. We've been through worse than this. Remember the time that train stopped?"

"And we got kicked off, because you didn't have me housed properly."

Jason blinked and studied the dog. In the odd lighting, he couldn't tell, but it was almost like... No, that was impossible, that was... crazy.

I'm not crazy.

"Well, for that, and I didn't really pay for a ticket."

The dog seemed to lose interest in the conversation, if there ever was one, and focused on Jason. "Hello, I'm Bernie."

Jason grew cold.

I'm not crazy.

The hobo sighed and shrugged. "He can't hear you either."

The elevator was silent for a minute, and the dog shook its head. "I could have sworn he looked straight at me, when I was talking about that train."

"You're barking to him. You know how people are, touchy about noise and such."

Jason backed against the wall. "I'm Jason," he managed through dry lips.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

The man cut him a suspicious look. "Who're you talkin' to?"

Jason swallowed and replied, "The dog." If the hobo could hear him... Maybe this really was a- a talking dog.

The man beamed at him. "What'd he say?"

"His name's Bernie. You didn't... put him in a cage, when you boarded a train."

The hobo was in front of him suddenly, smiling and shaking his hand. "Yes, yes! I've been waiting for someone, and finally, someone can hear him!" He did a little dance and pointed at himself. "I'm Grayson."

Jason smiled, trying to breathe through the pungent smell. "Where'd you get the dog?"

Grayson shrugged. "Just found him."

"Ahh..." He looked at the black dog again as it approached.

"Don't talk about people behind their backs."

Jason had no answer to this.

I'm... not crazy?

Grayson began on a long story, the dog inserting his own opinions here and there.

Jason listened, confused and worried.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

He jumped when the doors were forced open. He looked up, and a man smiled down. "Hey. The elevator broke down. Luckily, it was a quick fix, and you're gonna get out of here. You're way better than most other people. Normally they're freaking out by now."

"Well, you took your precious time," Bernie said drily.

The elevator techie acted like he didn't hear the dog and motioned for Jason to come out.

Jason stared at the elevator techie.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm... crazy. I can hear a stupid talking dog that only a hobo can hear.

He stumbled out of the elevator and ran down the hallway.

501, 503, 505, 507

He pounded on the door and sighed in relief when it opened.

Dr. Robinson was a tan man with gray hair. He wore a green jacket over a white shirt. "Hello, I guess you're Jason. I'm Dr. Robinson, but you can call me Grayson."
Last edited by megsug on Sun Feb 13, 2011 9:58 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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I really enjoyed reading this! :)

Starting here, it became a little hard to follow. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I had to go back and re read it from here to the end.
megsug wrote:He jumped when the doors were forced open. He looked up, and a man smiled down.

"Well, you took your precious time," Bernie said drily.

The man scowled at the dog. "Shut that yapping thing up. It's not even allowed in here." He rolled his eyes, muttering angrily, helping each of them out.

Jason stared at the elevator techie.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm... crazy.

He stumbled out of the elevator and ran to 503. He pounded on the door.

Mr. Robinson was a tan man with gray hair. He wore a green jacket over a white shirt. "Hello, I guess you're Jason. I'm Mr. Robinson, but you can call me Grayson.


I really don't have much to bash you for. I REALLY like this story. Great job!

Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.
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An ambulance sped
It sped round every corner
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great poem loved it!
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Wow, lol, I liked it! It was a very funny story and I can't wait to read more of your work! You have a very nice way of presenting your character to the reader and very good way of twisting and turning and spicing up a story about an elevator! Keep writing, my friend, for you are VERY good at it. =D




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Oh my gosh! *laughs* I love it! Especially the ending. *laughs again* Perfect. :)

Good Luck on the contest!
~DeadEnds
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Wow, this was great! You did a great job introducing your character without over-narrating, if you know what I mean. Just one thing, in the beginning of the story, you wrote the doctor's room as 507, and at the end of the story, the protagonist went into room 503. I'd really like to read more of your work!
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I love this story! Good job with the natural humor of the situation. It was a great character growth!




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Hey Megsug!

That definitely is a random prompt :P

His parents had dropped him off. "You're out of control, Jason. Therapy will help you. We've got to go." And they drove off into the smoggy city.


I know this is only a short story and we don't need much background on your MC as the contest is about following a prompt, but I'd still like to know what he did to get sent to a therapist. Maybe add something in his thoughts like -

'It wasn't even me who...' - you can fill in the blanks. You don't have to explain much - just hint at what he did to get called crazy :)

"Ahh..." He looked at the black dog again as he walked up.


This confused me at first. I'd write 'Jason' instead of 'he' Also, walked up where? To the dog? I read it as the dog walks up to Jason, if so, I'd re-phrase it to something like -

'"Ahh..." Jason looked at the black dog again as it approached him.'

and offered motioned for Jason to come out.


Nix 'offered'

Mr. Robinson was a tan man with gray hair. He wore a green jacket over a white shirt. "Hello, I guess you're Jason. I'm Mr. Robinson, but you can call me Grayson.


You need quotation marks after 'Grayson.'

So, I thought you did a good job on interpreting the prompt. I'd have been completely stuck :P

I liked the way you had the MC thinking 'I'm not crazy' every couple of lines. Your characters were good too. The only thing I'd change is the end part. The ending itself is good, but it happens a little too quickly. If Jason gets out the elevator first, then how can Grayson be at the room before him? ;)

Good job and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex
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Something feels off in the ending.

He jumped when the doors were forced open. He looked up, and a man smiled down. "Hey. The elevator broke down. Luckily, it was a quick fix, and you're gonna get out of here. You're way better than most other people. Normally they're freaking out by now."

"Well, you took your precious time," Bernie said drily.

The elevator techie acted like he didn't hear the dog and motioned for Jason to come out.

Jason stared at the elevator techie.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm... crazy. I can hear a stupid talking dog that only a hobo can hear.

He stumbled out of the elevator and ran down the hallway.

501, 503, 505, 507

He pounded on the door.

Mr. Robinson was a tan man with gray hair. He wore a green jacket over a white shirt. "Hello, I guess you're Jason. I'm Mr. Robinson, but you can call me Grayson."


Mr.Robinsion should be Dr.Robinson, as you have introduced him through the piece of paper Jason has. But something really seems off here for me, logically, that is.

1. Is the therapist, Dr. Robinson, and the hobo, Mr. Robinson the same person? If so, how can he get to room 503 before Jason without being noticed? Jason ran to it right after he got out the elevator, after all.

2. If they are not the same person, then what is the reason for the therapist to have the same name with the hobo?

3. Why "The elevator techie acted like he didn't hear the dog and motioned for Jason to come out"? That can be understood as the elevator techie actually hears the dog, but pretends not to.

4. This part:
He pounded on the door.

Mr. Robinson was a tan man with gray hair. He wore a green jacket over a white shirt. "Hello, I guess you're Jason. I'm Mr. Robinson, but you can call me Grayson.


It needs a transition. He just pounded on the door, doesn't mean he opened it or Dr. Robinson opened it.
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




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Hey guys,
Thank you for the reviews. They are a great help, and I hope you guys can keep on doing so. I've gotten a lot of questions on Grayson, the hobo, and Dr. Grayson Robinson, the doctor. I could PM all of you guys to keep the cat in the bag, but I'm going to let it out instead. Call me lazy.
I had to get the hobo to be mysterious in some way, and I wanted people to stare at the computer for a few minutes before shaking their head in confusion. The hobo and the doctor are the same person. I don't know how he got there so fast. He just did.
The techie didn't hear the dog because only Grayson and Jason could, making Jason think he was crazy.
I hope you guys will keep reading my stories and keep reviewing.
Thanks again,
Megsug
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