LoveBites Chapter 1

Read the spoiler please!

Spoiler

OK so just a few notes about this story, its the year 2261, that makes it two hundred and fifty years in the future, nothing particular about that year or those numbers but it just came to me, anyway this is chapter 1

Laughter rang out into an echo, three girls sat in a moving car, celebrating one girls eighteenth birthday, they had drank heavily and were now driving, it was not a good sight

“Hey Kayla, guess what?” asked one girl in a slurred voice

“What?” asked the driver in the same slurred voice, after which came two slurred voices singing happy birthday at the top of their lungs followed by loud laughter from all three girls

“so what do yo-LOOK OUT!” came out a voice all of a sudden, the driver turned the steering wheel all the way to the side and attempted to miss hitting a large truck, failing, colliding with the truck getting hit on the side, all three girls pass out and get hit in such a way that they are critically injured and they’re all bleeding, a dark figure sees the crash and walks up to the car the image suddenly fades

“Kayla?” a distant male voice says “Kayla? Kayla wake up!”

Kayla woke up with a startle, she found herself breathing heavily, she looked up and saw a handsome young black haired man sitting beside her on her bed

“Still having nightmares?” Ryan asked in his calming voice

“Yeah” Kayla said

“Come on get up we have that council meeting today and we can’t be late!” He said

Ryan stood up and looked at Kayla; she had that same look she has every time she wakes up from one of those nightmares, a look of sadness, and a look of hopelessness

“Kayla” Ryan began, but he couldn’t find anymore words to say to her to try and cheer her up so he just sat next to her again and pulled her into a hug, she didn’t push him away, she embraced him as hard as she possibly could, Ryan had always been there for her, ever since that dreadful day two hundred and fifty years ago, he had saved her from that accident when she was near death and brought her to the vampire clan, her new family and her new life, she had lost her friends and he got her through all of that and now, two hundred and fifty years later, he still comforts her when she has that same nightmare night after night after night, he had always been by her side through everything and seen her soar through the ranks of the clan, up till now, she had reached his rank, they were equals, and soon, they would be competing for the title of leader, and yet, he still hugged her and comforted her whenever she needed him.

“Give me a few minutes to change” Kayla told Ryan, he nodded and watched her as she went to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, she came out wearing high-heeled ankle boots, tight black jeans, a dark blue strapless shirt. She then proceeded to put on a large black necklace and a long black coat with fur on the neck and sleeves, which covered her arm tattoos.

“You always know how to dress don’t you?” Ryan said smiling, his dark eyes flickering with light

“The Leader asks that we dress elegantly for meetings; why not take that to my full extent?” Kayla said smiling back

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re just trying to impress the Leader into giving you his job” Ryan said teasingly

“As if that's needed” Kayla teased back

“Shall we?” asked Ryan pulling his arm out

“Lets” Kayla said linking her arm with his

They walked out of Kayla’s room to the council room and sat at their place on the table, the Leader stood up and began the meeting

Hi Desy!!!

1.

Spoiler

figure sees the crash and walks up to the car the image suddenly fades

“Kayla?” a distant male voice says “Kayla? Kayla wake up!”

Kayla woke up with a startle, she found herself breathing heavily, she looked up and saw a handsome young black haired man sitting beside her on her bed.

“Still having nightmares?” Ryan asked in his calming voice.

FIxed Grammar here.

2.

Spoiler

“Yeah” Kayla said

Okay. Lesson time!!!
1. Dialogue is the trickest things out there.
look at these examples:
1. "Hi." said Kim
2. "Hi," said Kim
3. "Hi" said Kim
4. "Hi!" Said Kim
5."Hi." Turning away, Kim went back to talking to Mr. Cotts

okay, 1,2 and 5 are correct. Why?
1. because, when using dialogue, and a period being at the end, the word that comes after it, unless its a name, or action is lowercased.
2. becuase, even if it wouldn't fit normally a comma always goes where a . ! or ? can not.
5. Its an action so its uppercased.

3 and 4 are wrong because:
3. there is no .,! or? There always should be
4. Becuase the Said is uppercased.
I know this is confusing, but I promise, it gets eaiser.

3.

Spoiler

“Come on get up we have that council meeting today and we can’t be late!” He said.

Ryan stood up and looked at Kayla; she had that same look she has every time she wakes up from one of those nightmares, a look of sadness, and a look of hopelessness.

YOu seem to have problems with run on sentances a lot.. So did I when I first came, so no worries.

Okay, I really enjoyed this and I only saw two key problems:
1. Dialogue
2. Run on sentances
This is something many people struggle with (me included) and can only get better with practice.
I suggest you go to this fourm. Look around. Get comty and read. Read and cram and read. It helps. I swear.
forum11.html

Let me know when the next chapter is out!

~pointe

Laughter rang out into an echo, three girls sat in a moving car, celebrating one girls eighteenth birthday. They had drank heavily and were now driving, it was not a good sight

Don't TELL us it isn't a pretty sight, SHOW us. Also it's not really possible for an echo to happen in a car because it's such an enclosed space.

“What?” asked the driver in the same slurred voice, after which came two slurred voices singing happy birthday at the top of their lungs followed by loud laughter from all three girls

Slurred, slurred, slurred. When you repeat words it makes it awkward to read, so watch out for those.

“so what do yo-LOOK OUT!” came out a voice all of a sudden, the driver turned the steering wheel all the way to the side and attempted to miss hitting a large truck, failing, colliding with the truck getting hit on the side, all three girls pass out and get hit in such a way that they are critically injured and they’re all bleeding, a dark figure sees the crash and walks up to the car the image suddenly fades

Woah. Oh my gosh where to start here... Okay first this is a huuuuuge run on sentence, use periods, finish a thought. Second, you change tenses which is a big no-no. Third your description of the accident is frankly, pretty boring. You're just telling me things, and I feel like I'm reading an outline of a story, not one that's already been written. Add some drama, some action, make it shocking to your readers.

Kayla woke up with a startle, she found herself breathing heavily. she looked up and Looking up she saw a handsome young black haired man sitting beside her on her bed

“Come on get up we have that council meeting today and we can’t be late!” He said

Wow, that's kind of a jerk thing to say, especially if he knows what her nightmares are about.

Ryan stood up and looked at Kayla; she had that same look she has every time she wakes up from one of those nightmares, a look of sadness, and a look of hopelessness

Periods, love. Use them.

Ryan had always been there for her, ever since that dreadful day two hundred and fifty years ago, he had saved her from that accident when she was near death and brought her to the vampire clan, her new family and her new life,
she had lost her friends and he got her through all of that and now, two hundred and fifty years later, he still comforts her when she has that same nightmare night after night after night,

Seriously? Sorry but I find this incredibly unrealistic, I know it's a vampire romance but really? The same dream EVERY night for two hundred and fifty years? Doing some quick math that would be the same dream for 93,750 nights. At LEAST, not even counting leap years. Now I know why he acted like a jerk, I would be sick of that too.

MMMKAY. So I would like you to focus more on Kayla's life before the accident, and really start SHOWING us things rather than just blatantly telling us. I want to learn about her transformation, how she reacted when she found out, how she got used to Ryan. Those kind of things are important. Really right now I think you have the base of a story, but it really needs to be expanded and worked on.

Good luck!

~Hope

You use the word, 'said', a lot. Now, that can be soooooooooo boring for the reader. They don't know HOW they are saying it. Here are some useful words to replace said.

Shouted
Yelled
Screamed
Chuckled
Spat
Yawned
Replied
Answered
Gasped
Wailed
Barked
Muttered
Whispered... To name but a few.

You don't have to block said out completely, you could use:
"It's my birthday tomorrow!" Bob said, gleefully. Or...
"I love you, loads," Jill said, passionatly. Just these little things make a big difference.

Overall, really good. Keep it up. Remember to use my advice. :)

Okay, plenty of grammar mistakes, so while I planned to go over each line by line, I couldn't. So let me start with the first paragraph - this is called a run-on, destiny, which means your punctuations aren't well placed...instead of being two or three sentences, this is a one sentence KO. You've officially lost me at that first paragraph, Destiny.

Put a few more full-stops? Actually, each and every paragraph has a missing full stop. I'm beginning to wonder if all the dinosaurs have eaten them. Just saying. Okay, and then, you use repetitive wording too much. And it just might be me, but your characters don't seem well thought out. At all. It appears to me as though you just lifted a few characters out of some novel and plugged them in, which isn't good, you know?

Please, please consider these things when you post the second chapter - or else, a lot of people will scream of burning in their eyes. Trust me, that's worse than any vampire bite.

Robyn.

This was a good first chapter, but like the others said there are a few grammar issues that need to be worked out.

Spoiler

“Kayla” Ryan began, but he couldn’t find anymore words to say to her to try and cheer her up so he just sat next to her again and pulled her into a hug, she didn’t push him away, she embraced him as hard as she possibly could, Ryan had always been there for her, ever since that dreadful day two hundred and fifty years ago, he had saved her from that accident when she was near death and brought her to the vampire clan, her new family and her new life, she had lost her friends and he got her through all of that and now, two hundred and fifty years later, he still comforts her when she has that same nightmare night after night after night, he had always been by her side through everything and seen her soar through the ranks of the clan, up till now, she had reached his rank, they were equals, and soon, they would be competing for the title of leader, and yet, he still hugged her and comforted her whenever she needed him.

As the other have said, you need to start using full stops. That was a whole paragraph without one full stop, that means that that is one sentence. Perhaps reword it something like this:

“Kayla” Ryan began, but he couldn’t find any more words to say to her to try and cheer her up, so he just sat next to her again and pulled her into a hug. She didn’t push him away, but instead embraced him as hard as she possibly could. Ryan had always been there for her, ever since that dreadful day two hundred and fifty years ago. He had saved her from that accident when she was near death and brought her to the vampire clan; her new family and her new life. She had lost her friends and he got her through all of that, and now, two hundred and fifty years later, he still comforts her when she has that same nightmare night after night after night. He had always been by her side through everything and seen her soar through the ranks of the clan. Now she had reached his rank - they were equals, and soon, they would be competing for the title of leader. Despite this he still hugged her and comforted her whenever she needed him.

There were some changes in there, and whilst that sentence isn't perfect either and needs some work, it does have some full stops in it.

That's my only criticism really, but I am looking forward to reading more (: Keep up the good work!