She stared at the rain.

The girl sat in silence, staring at the rain. She was afraid, if she was not careful, that her tears would soon start to fall as fast, and as hard as the rain she was watching. But, she could not, and would not let that happen.
She refused. She could not drop her act. Not even now. Not even when she was alone. If she did, it would slip when she wasn’t. Drawing her knees to her chest, she began to rock back and forth. She let her mind wonder.
She looked at her life. She didn’t like what she saw there. She always felt alone, even when she was surrounded by people. Deep down, she knew why. It was because no one knew her, saw her for who she really was. They saw what they wanted to see, nothing more, nothing less. There were days, like today, when the stress of all their expectations was too much to take. So, she stared at the rain. Willing her problems to go away, hoping with all her might that they would, that they could. She shut her eyes tight. She hoped when she opened them again, that she could be something else, feel something else. She wanted the emptiness to go away. She wanted to feel something other than the constant pain and loneliness she was used to. She opened her eyes. Nothing had changed. She let out a long, slow sigh. Again, she stared at the rain. Suddenly in the silence, she heard the words she hadn’t thought of in years.
“Lo, I am with you always.” She jumped and turned quickly, sure that someone was there. She had heard the words so clearly… But, no one was there. She was still alone. “Lo, I am with you always.” She remembered reading the words long ago. Once again, she stared at the rain. And she remembered, she didn’t have to be alone, to feel alone.
“Lo, I am with you always.”

Hi. I actually didn't expect that I'll be making a review tonight lol.

I've got nitpicks for you:

She was afraid, if she was not careful, that her tears would soon start to fall as fast, and as hard, as the rain she was watching.

- You don't need a comma after before and after 'and as hard'.

But she could not, would not let that happen.

- Formally, you should put a comma after 'But'.
- Anyway, I think, this would sound better (and more dramatic xD) if you wrote it this way: 'But, she could and would not let that happen.

Not even now, not even when she was alone.

- I think the 2nd phrase in this sentence should stand alone.

She knew why.

- This sentence makes the reader (at least, me) feel disconnected from the story. Maybe, rephrasing could help? It seems pretty hard to do though.

There were days, like today, when the stress of all their expectations was too much to take.

So she stared at the rain.

- Ooh. I love the drama here, especially the connection between these two lines that causes it.
- Formally, you should put a comma after 'So'.

She hoped when she opened them again, that she could be someone else, feel something else.

- I suggest rewriting this to: 'She hoped that when she opened them again, she could be something else, feel something else.'.
- By the way, I like this line.

“Lo I am with you always.”

- Put a comma after 'Lo'. (Same goes for the other two repetitions)

But no one was there.

- Put a comma after 'But'.

She stared at the rain.

- This one last repetition of the line could sound better, I think, if you added 'once more' or something like that after 'rain'.

And she remembered, she didn’t have to be alone, to feel alone.

- Formally (again xD), you should put a comma after 'And'.


I like this story. It's interesting to read. But, it's shortness leaves quite a lot of questions to the reader like: 'What happened? What's the cause of Lo's loneliness? ('Lo's loneliness', I love it XD) What was that thing that Lo read and who wrote it? Maybe, a sequel could clear these things up. xD

Anyway, I love the simplicity of it and the drama and emotion. *scrolls down* Oh. I didn't notice the Bible verse! xD Nice. I like how you got the idea from that verse.

Everyone always beats me to the errors! But, it seems that he pointed out the important problems. However, I do have a suggestion.

When posting a short story, it's good to write in paragraph form. Your breaks are after every sentence, and it almost looks like a poem. If you like the way it looks, you might want to consider changing the tag from "story" to "poem", so it would make more sense. I'm assuming this is some type of unseen entity story? I read one yesterday, and like this one, it spoke to me. Thanks for sharing.

~Panda;;

Thanks so much for the reviews! They helped alot!

Yes, the insperation came from the Bible verse, but it also came from experience.

Like the protaganist, I have been completly alone and have heard things out of nowhere. I thought I was crazy, but it was always something I needed to hear, maybe a verse to a song that would cheer me up, or something that I had read.. Like someone was behind me whispering it in my ear.. So, I just put those together and this was the result.. Again, thank you both for the reveiws!

Sounds a lot like my poem "Voices", except a lot less dark. Can't wait to read the second part.