The Magi {Ch.7}

Spoiler

I know, its been a looonnngg time since I posted. Don't hurt me please!

By the way, this chapter was written a looongggg time ago.

Seven
“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”


This can’t be real… Ava, in denial, stood beside Kevin, watching Greg sob over Titi’s form. She felt the beginnings of a sob rising in her chest, coming closer and closer to her throat, until eventually it would burst from her mouth, in a loud gasp. Memories were flowing thick and fast, and Ava struggled to discern the real world through the mask of memories whipping themselves around her mind like a whirlwind. The sob was getting closer to her mouth, and tears were beginning to cascade down her cheeks. Kevin’s arm went around her, and she felt his strong body beside hers. His face was stretched with misery as he looked down at the form of Tatiana on the ground. Ava’s vision was becoming blurred with the tears that were flowing thick and fast, and as she blinked, she saw a shadow flit over Titi’s body. She shook her head, blinking rapidly. There it is again, she thought confusedly. The sob was at her mouth now, and coming out in a sharp gasp, followed by several smaller gulps. Her eyesight was clouded over with the salty tears which were flowing across the tip of her nose, and dropping to her chin, or sliding into her mouth. Kevin gripped her tighter and sat down, on the wagon, pulling her onto his lap behind him. “Shh,” he said, his mouth inches away from her ear. “It’s all right.”
The sobs were coming more rapidly now, racking her body. Greg had stood up, lifting Titi’s body and carrying her away from the dead and injured soldiers. He laid her by the river, which was burbling along towards the big lake Ava could see in the distance. He stripped her skirt off, then her shirt, The lifted the underclothes. Dropping the stained clothing in the river, he rubbed the dried blood from her body.
“What are you doing Greg?” Ava whispered, tears still streaming down her face and the pain of the loss of Titi being magnified with ever beat of her heart.
He ignored her, continuing to wash the blood from the clothes, and Tatiana’s body. Once the blood had been washed clean of the clothes and had flowed down the river, he redressed her, buttoning the wet clothes onto her broken, bloody corpse. He brushed her lips with his, and then walked away, his shoulders hunched in pain, tears streaming down his cut and dirty face.
****************************************************
Kevin and Ava exchanged looks, both sets of eyes red and puffy, and then stood up following Greg closely. Greg walked slowly, ignoring the world around him, his eyes getting puffier and redder by the minute. Abruptly he stopped and sat down, leaning against a large oak tree.
“I know your there,” he croaked, turning his red rimmed eyes towards Kevin and Ava, who stood few yards off, “you don’t have to hide.”
Ava stepped towards him, then upon reaching him, put her arm around his hump-backed shoulders. “Oh, Greg,” she whispered, leaning against him. “I’m sor-“
She cut off, catching sight of a shadow, which flitted across the edge of the clearing, where Kevin, Ava and Greg sat. She jumped up, whipping her bloody sword from underneath her skirt. She held it up, as a strong wind began blowing, whipping her skirt around and around, till it wrapped itself tightly around her ankles.
“Ava,” Kevin shouted, walking up beside her, struggling to be heard over the din.
The shadow, flitted closer and Ava felt pain course through her body, as though someone had given her a shot of snake venom. She collapsed, the pain wracking her body.
“Ava!”

Ava knew who this shadow was. As the wind picked up it came closer, it’s face shinning white, the once red hair…

The wind scooped Kevin, Greg and Ava up, lifting them into the air, higher, higher, till they disappeared from that world forever.

**********************************************************

The pain was gone. Ava felt like a shell, broken down the middle. She sat up, her head throbbing.
“what happened?” an alert voice yelled in her ear. Kevin’s.
Ava set up, unfamiliar clothes swishing as she moved. She looked around, her eyes catching sight of Kevin and Greg, who were dressed in tee-shirts, converse and tight dark washed jeans.
“Whoa.” Kevin stared at Ava. “Bet ya would have loved to have seen Titi dressed like that, wouldn’t ya Greg?”
Greg’s face, confused at first became a mask of pain. He didn’t answer but stood up, looking around.
Ava looked down at herself, and gasped.
Hot pink leggings, an oversized tee-shirt with the words Ninety-one, a leather jacket, big bangles and her hair was swooped to the side in a scrunchie.
“Well this is a change.” She looked around, taking in her surroundings. White walls, white floors, white curtains over barred windows.
“What the hell…” Kevin said and the two looked down at the scene in the courtyard below…

Hey there Pointe,

This can’t be real… Ava, in denial, stood beside Kevin, watching Greg sob over Titi’s form.

I scratched out in denial, because it's obvious she is, with the thought she just had. Don't overexplain things: some things you can assume people will understand.

I know your there,” he croaked, turning his red rimmed eyes towards Kevin and Ava, who stood few yards off, “you don’t have to hide.”

You're * When I read this, I didn't have the impression they were sneaking around: I thought he might be speaking to someone else. So, just make sure to add details of their stealthy following of him, ok?

“Ava,” Kevin shouted, walking up beside her, struggling to be heard over the din.

This is a little off. He struggles to yell, but he just walks up next to her? He should also be struggling to be at her side. Her skirt should be whipping around, maybe she's trying to keep it down, while holding her sword. Maybe her hair's whipping into her face.

Sit back and look at ever word you've written. To every action, there's a reaction. So, if there's a hard wind, there has to be consequences. And that applies to every action, every word, every chapter in every novel.

Pointe, I've said it before: this story is better than the last: it's obvious you're growing in your writing. What I find bothersome, if I'm going to be blunt, is to repeat myself every time. I do realise you'll go back and edit, but it would be great if you would apply what we're striving to teach you in every chapter you write. If you've already written the chapter, go back and try to perfect it. Because we aren't much help to you if we simply repeat what we've already said.

If you fix the issues we have in advance, we can concentrate on other aspects of your story, instead of being sidetracked with the pace and characters and other stuff.

I hope this helped, it was meant to be constructive. Your story has great potential, I still truly believe that.

Tanya

I love how you are able to make the reader imagine whats going on, though i do have one tiny piece of advice for you

“Whoa.” Kevin stared at Ava. “Bet ya would have loved to have seen Titi dressed like that, wouldn’t ya Greg?”

If i were you i'd remove that part, it sort of makes Kevin seem like a big jerk, and i mean HUGE i mean not even the biggest meanest most insensitive jerk on the planet would be THAT mean, Titi just died, and she was his friend, if he were any sort of human he wouldn't say that, just a bit of advice, you don't have to take it you may have your own opinions, duh

other than that the story is truly amazing, please don't take too long with the next chapter!

This can’t be real… Ava, in denial, stood beside Kevin, watching Greg sob over Titi’s form. She felt the beginnings of a sob rising in her chest, coming closer and closer to her throat, until eventually it would burst from her mouth, in a loud gasp. Memories were flowing thick and fast, and Ava struggled to discern the real world through the mask of memories whipping themselves around her mind like a whirlwind. The sob was getting closer to her mouth, and tears were beginning to cascade down her cheeks. Kevin’s arm went around her, and she felt his strong body beside hers. His face was stretched with misery as he looked down at the form of Tatiana on the ground. Ava’s vision was becoming blurred with the tears that were flowing thick and fast, and as she blinked, she saw a shadow flit over Titi’s body. She shook her head, blinking rapidly. There it is again, she thought confusedly. The sob was at her mouth now, and coming out in a sharp gasp, followed by several smaller gulps. Her eyesight was clouded over with the salty tears which were flowing across the tip of her nose, and dropping to her chin, or sliding into her mouth. Kevin gripped her tighter and sat down, no comma here on the wagon, pulling her onto his lap behind him. “Shh,” he said, his mouth inches away from her ear. “It’s all right.”
The sobs were coming more rapidly now, racking I think it’s raking her body. Greg had stood up, lifting Titi’s body and carrying her away from the dead and injured soldiers. He laid her by the river, which was burbling along towards the a big lake Ava could see in the distance. He stripped her skirt off, then her shirt, The lifted the underclothes. Dropping the stained clothing in the river, he rubbed the dried blood from her body.
“What are you doing Greg?” Ava whispered, tears still streaming down her face and the pain of the loss of Titi being magnified with ever beat of her heart.
He ignored her, continuing to wash the blood from the clothes, and Tatiana’s body. Once the blood had been washed clean of the clothes and had flowed down the river, he redressed her, buttoning the wet clothes onto her broken, bloody corpse You told us he washed the blood off her body, and then say her corpse was bloody. Was she still bleeding? If so, make sure you tell us that it was fresh blood.. He brushed her lips with his, and then walked away, his shoulders hunched in pain, tears streaming down his cut and dirty face.
****************************************************
Kevin and Ava exchanged looks, both sets of eyes red and puffy, and then stood up following Greg closely. Greg walked slowly, ignoring the world around him, his eyes getting puffier and redder by the minute. Abruptly he stopped and sat down, leaning against a large oak tree.
“I know your there,” he croaked, turning his red rimmed eyes towards Kevin and Ava, who stood few yards off, “you don’t have to hide.”
Ava stepped towards him, then upon reaching him, put her arm around his hump-backed shoulders is hump-backed the right word? Maybe slumped or hunched will sound better. Hump-backed gives me the impression that it was lumpy or deformed or something. “Oh, Greg,” she whispered, leaning against him. “I’m sor-“
She cut off, catching sight of a shadow, which flitted across the edge of the clearing, where Kevin, Ava and Greg sat where THEY sat would sound better. She jumped up, whipping her bloody sword from underneath her skirt sorry, but this seems like a really weird and unnatural place to keep a sword. It must have a sheath, or else it would be slicing her inner thighs, right? Plus, and sword would be longer than your legs, I think. And why was it still bloody? Did she forget to wipe it off? Wouldn’t her clothes be filthy now?. She held it up, as a strong wind began blowing, whipping her skirt around and around, till it wrapped itself tightly around her ankles.
“Ava, since, he shouted this, wouldn‘t an exclamation point be more appropriate instead of a comma?” Kevin shouted, walking up beside her, struggling to be heard over the din over the what? I looked it up, and it means noise, but for some reason it just sounds misplaced here.
The shadow, no comma flitted closer and Ava felt pain course through her body, as though someone had given her a shot of snake venom I like this comparison. She collapsed, the pain wracking again, I think it’s raking. her body.
“Ava!”

Ava knew who this shadow was. As the wind picked up it came closer, it’s face shinning shining white, the once red hair…

The wind scooped Kevin, Greg and Ava up, lifting them into the air, higher, higher, till they disappeared from that world forever.

**********************************************************

The pain was gone. Ava felt like a shell, broken down the middle. She sat up, her head throbbing.
“what happened?” an alert voice yelled in her ear. Kevin’s.
Ava set up, unfamiliar clothes swishing as she moved. She looked around, her eyes catching sight of Kevin and Greg, who were dressed in tee-shirts, converse and tight dark washed jeans.
“Whoa.” Kevin stared at Ava. “Bet ya would have loved to have seen Titi dressed like that, wouldn’t ya Greg?” this comment is totally inappropriate. The fact that she died MOMENTS AGO, and Kevin throws out her name like this is totally unrealistic. They would still be mourning her heavily for at least the next few months. For me, hearing him say that was like whiplash. I would’ve been pissed if I was Greg.
Greg’s face, confused at first became a mask of pain. He didn’t answer but stood up, looking around.
Ava looked down at herself, and gasped.
Hot pink leggings, an oversized tee-shirt with the words Ninety-one, a leather jacket, big bangles and her hair was swooped to the side in a scrunchie.
“Well this is a change.” She looked around, taking in her surroundings. White walls, white floors, white curtains over barred windows.
“What the hell…” Kevin said and the two looked down at the scene in the courtyard below…

I thought it went well until the last part, which left me completely confused. I really have no idea what just happened. Why was Kevin throwing Titi’s name out like that, practically moments after she died. It was totally disrespectful.

So you did allow time to show just how much her death effected them, but I do think you should make the transition from that scene to the next much more gradual. The second part felt so upbeat, when in reality, each of them will feel separately lost after the huge impact of losing their friend. I mean, they’re young, and this is probably the closest they have ever experienced pain and mourning. The impact will probably remain fresh for them for a while.

So that’s really all I’ve got to say. I can see how you tried to make her death very heartbreaking and epic, but it doesn’t quite feel real to me. All in all though, I enjoyed reading this.

Keep it up, and keep adding on chapters!

I have arrived!! I am really enjoying the magi, and this probably won't be a long review because I want to read chapter 8...
I agree that they kind of get over Tatiana's death really fast. I mean, I think I know who the spirit is, because you told me. Maybe that's why? They think they're going to see Tatiana again? Well, anyway, i'm leaving now to go read chapter 8. Byebye!

Hey there, Peyton! Here to review---and sorry for the late(ness):

Spoiler

Memories were flowing thick and fast, and Ava struggled to discern the real world through the mask of memories whipping themselves around her mind like a whirlwind.

Wonderful imagery! Thumbs up for it.

“What are you doing, Greg?” Ava whispered, tears still streaming down her face and the pain of the loss of Titi being magnified with ever beat of her heart.

My first point here today would be that your quotes until now have been really soothing and a nice introduction to the chapter. But this one was too long-like not eye-catching. Sure the meaning behind it was nice, and very good, but right now we need to focus our brains on the story and the plot-the reader would like to do that. So instead of having this kind of a quote in the beginning, you can Google up something similar to this-the meaning term, I mean. That would seem more appropriate.

Now as for the first part, and the sentences that followed it, I think you've really done an absolutely fantastic job, I really loved the way you showed us her grief-not told. So, now this is definitely an indicator of how much you've improved while writing this novel, and you would improve even further if you keep on writing. Just don't let go. But at the same time, I'd warn you against going on too much with one kind of a description at a length. Try to space up things. Like, here, for example, you were most of the time attached with the sobs. I liked every bit of your description in it, but I guess it would have been lovelier if you had even told us some of the thoughts. You did tell her thoughts, but if they had been more, the character's voice or state of mind would have been reflected, which I think is what we need now. Don't chop out any of it, but add in some more of 'thoughts' here and there, so the readers get a break. Secondly, 'gasp' was a word so many times coming-it was like 'wait, had not I read it before'? So try synonyms.

Now I'd have to say that this is the best chapter till now-by your writing, the story and how the things progressed. For the first time, you didn't jump over any scene and stood there, leading us to your land. Which I think was so good to read. Although I'll agree that the last part, the one where they re-enter to their world could have been slowed down a bit, and you could have showed us exactly what was happening. Also, when Kevin said that Greg would have loved to see Titi in the dress Ava wore, I found it a bit insensitive. For a moment, though, I thought Titi wasn't dead and it was just a dream one of them had had, but then it wasn't so. So in that case, I found Kevin in a ridiculing mood. Like someone's love had died, and you wouldn't want to bring up the topic in a more comic dimension. I hope you get what I'm saying.

Other than that, I'd definitely ask you to go over what our Mom(Tanya) said. We don't want to be pushy, so it would be good if you take all our points into mind. But I can see that you've taken up the description thing quite seriously, and I can really feel your words. But if you need any help with them, I am here, I'll try my best. Other than that, I recently wrote an article on Descriptions, so if you need help here it is. I don't have much to say, so I'll go now.

~Shubhi

Hey there! Sorry for taking so long.

Okay, so my main point here will be character development.

I like the part where Greg washes the blood away. Not only is it a sweet gesture, but it really shows us some insight on him and their relationship.

But I also feel like it's almost too late. We met them before, but we didn't get a sense of them - who they are, their relationship with everyone... they just seemed like a couple in the honeymoon stage, one that's all about kissing and that partially ignores there friends... ones that are kind of shallow. And then you just launch this on us. It's good, but it's not consistent. I also feel like, if that's what their relationship consisted of, then his emotions are too much. I get that they were friends first for a long time, but we don't see any of that. You're trying to really get us to care about characters we know so little about.

And also, you had some really nice descriptions in here, about their grief and all, but it was more like grieving a puppy - no, not that. It was like seeing an accident of someone you just met. What would have made it better is if she mentioned things about Titi - things they did, memories. Why she's going to miss her. What kind of hole, if any, is going to be left. Just little things that show us they were friends, not just people that knew each other. That gives reason for their grief and explains how important they were to each other.

These chapters are getting better, but I agree with borntobe - I feel like I'm repeating myself, maybe in different ways, but always saying close to the same thing. You do apply some of what we've said to things, but I think it would really help you to go back and revise some of your older chapters. Not only would it improve them greatly, but in the process of actually fixing the problems, I think you'll understand better what the problems actually are, and you'll have that much more insight to writing.

Keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet <3