The first thing I thought when I looked at this was that more people would comment if you posted this in smaller segments, then I finished reading and was like, "hah hah, no wonder, this all had to go together!" Which means, well, for one it's good. It held my attention, which is something that is hard for even me to do.
But I must give you fair warning, I'm not really that into werewolves, so I'm definantly not an expert. However, this should give me the edge in more justly reviewing your story for, well, the story.
So without further ado, here goes. The very first thing that I really didn't like is the dialogue. It's "clippy" and doesn't flow as smoothly as the prose. Some lines are difficult to understand, and others stick out and caused me to lose my focus in the story. Were you a little frustrated towards the end of writing this segment? I noticed a few words that I would consider to be "unnecessary." They sounded odd in the dialogue and weren't really employed tactfully, as if they were in there just because. Aside from the "mild" profanity, I noticed that a few other unsavory phrases were added into the narration itself. This is tacky writing. Frankly, I think it takes away from what could be a truly excellent piece. Of course, that's just me.
Description is another point which I think I should bring up. In some places in the piece, it is just about right. Not too detailed or wordy, and it gives the reader a clear sense of what something looks like. In other places though, it is choppy, scarce, or inadequate. I would suggest working on those parts. (Esp. the Dakota's introduction to the white wolf.) I would also add more description about the wood itself. Personally, I would enjoy it if you made the forest seem like its own character. But again, that's just me. I would also enjoy seeing a bit more variation in word choice, esp. at the beginning of a sentence. Not sure if you're that type though, to each his own. (Notice the subtle inclinations of eloquence from my name. hee hee)
Also, the action needs to be developed a little bit more. In one sequence in particular, it is not detailed enough, so it doesn't seem pertinent. (I was like, okay, why is this even in here?) The two biggest parts that I think need more action are the scuffle between white and Dak., and the scene where he is surrounded by Malik in the fog. I'm sure you could add a lot more depth to this if you made everything seem more desperate, or even urgent. (Is Dakota a black wolf? You could intensify the fight with him and K. by making the contrast stark, black vs. white.)
Two more things: First, some of your characters are acting out of character. (heh) What I mean is that they do or say something that forms a clear definition of who that person is in the back of my mind, but then they act in a way that is contradictory or conflicting with what they did earlier. This sort of bugged me, but I'm not an expert on this, so I'm not quite sure what to recommend for fixing it, except through means of the dialogue. In places, the characters speech is formal, then in others it is modern American slang. If I understood the story correctly, they should be speaking with more of a reserved speech. You could also use this to make a character seem world wise, if after all, Dakota's a wanderer, (?) I'm not sure he would use "OK" or other like idioms. This is esp. true is your characters have been around for a while. I'm not well equated to werewolf lore, so I'm not quite sure how old they can be. (I know vampires are immortal, not too sure about their furrier counterpart. xD)
My last issue would be the grammar. I could go through and nitpick, but I lack the time. Therefore, I would suggest going through and doing a complete spell-check, then ask someone of authority to critique the grammar. (Two things which stuck out were the capitalization of a "He" when not used as a sentence opener, and the misspelling of "apologize.")
To sum this all up, I really enjoyed the way the prose flowed, it was easy to understand and went quickly, but not to quickly. You also have the oft elusive talent of crafting a truly captivating story. 5 stars! I'm glad to hear that others have enjoyed this story as well. Good luck, hope you keep writing more! ~E.D.
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.
Ok, I just read all four chapters and here are my thoughts.
I like the idea of the lone wolf and the other pack. You seem to have good characters here. I like Daine. *smiles*
That being said, I think this could use a lot of developing. What I mean is that there are a lot of characters, yet only four chapters. We don't get to know any of them much. Yes, we learn a little when they're interacting, but no more. And there are quite a few flashbacks. I've done that also and what I was told is that obviously I've started my story too late if I constantly have to flashback. If you can't integrate it into the story, then maybe cut it out or start earlier.
Another example of what I've said is that is the first chapter, before we even get a sense of who Dakota is, we're thrown into his past. From his thoughts, I gather he feels bad about this, but we don't know enough about him to really care whether he's killed someone or not.
Also, I thought the scene sequences were really confusing. One minute, Kasia and her pack are facing off Malik, the next Dakota and her run into each other. What happened? Obviously Zeda made it, but... What happened in between?
Also, with their heightened senses, how did Dakota not smell Kasia? How did she not give him a warning growl or bark or something?
My biggest impression and issue is that everything's moving so fast. You seem to have good characters but we don't get the opportunity to know them more.
What is the Pull to Dakota? His reason for being? When he suddenly loses it, how does he feel? Is he lost, even more lonely? Was he a loner in his previous life? You do a lot of telling, but not much showing. What do things look like? Show us examples of loneliness. Maybe compare his life to the moon high up in the sky: alone, cold and beautiful. Surrounded by millions of stars but untouchable. (Hey, I like that! haha) Anyway, do you get what I mean? Don't just tell us, show us!
Also, one last note. Lyrics in the first chapter work with it, but you must pay for the right of putting those lyrics in your work. Spoiler
Can I Use Song Lyrics in my Manuscript?
Q: What are the legal ramifications of reproducing song lyrics in a manuscript? If permission from each copyright holder is necessary, what’s the best way to secure these permissions? Also, can I use a song title as the title of my book?—June Youngblood
A: Song lyrics are copyrighted, which means you need permission to use them. According to our legal expert Amy Cook, there isn’t any specific law about how much you can take under fair use, but it’s common for the music industry to say you need permission for even one line of a song.
“The music industry is pretty vigilant about song lyrics,” Cook says. “This is especially true if you’re using the lyrics in a novel to progress the story or add atmosphere. If you’re a music critic reviewing a CD, you have more leeway under fair use.”
One way you can check to see if the song is still under copyright protection is to visit www.copyright.gov. This online site lists all copyright records dating back to 1978. For anything before that, you’ll need to contact the U.S. Copyright Office and may have to pay to have the records checked for you.
Another way to find the owner of the copyrights is to contact the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP) or Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI). These two major music performance rights organizations don’t grant permission, but they can help you find the publisher of the song you’re looking to use.
Once you find the rights owner, you must ask for his permission. He could offer you the rights for free, completely deny you the rights or ask you to rename your dog after him. The price is completely up to the music publisher.
“As a practical matter, you don’t need to worry about getting permissions until your work is going to be published,” Cook says. “And your publisher may help you in securing permissions. Most publishers provide their authors with their permission guidelines and forms.”
As for song titles, however, titles of any kind (book, song) aren’t copyrightable. But they occasionally can be subject to trademark or unfair competition laws.
“If you used a really famous song title or part of a song as a title —say, ‘Yellow Submarine’— that’s so closely tied to a specific group (or artists), then you’d probably get a letter from their lawyers,” Cook says.
As I said, your characters are intriguing and I love the way they interact with one another. But I want to see more of them, less flashbacks. I mean, we learn in a flashback that she has supermind powers. Is this common in wolves? When are they wolves, when are they human? And why? I'd love to see more of their every day lives.
And that was it. I hope it was helpful, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
